"I'M SHY TOO! LIKE, OMG!"

[rosiekins]

...okay. So, I spent ten years of my life so shy, I couldn't even respond when spoken to. I say this in the past tense, because things have been a LOT better for me this school year (I'm a senior). I'm on a combination of prozac and buspar, and see a psychologist once a month. But I'm still painfully quiet; just a Regular shy girl now, rather than the Mute Weirdo whom people at my old school thought was 'retarded.'

Anyway, this is a very sensitive subject in my life, and I get VERY annoyed when people who are surrounded by their friends, and are talking loud enough for the entire room to hear, proclaim how SHYYYY they are. YEAH RIGHT! I also hate it when people dismiss my anxiety as, "...shyness is a problem everyone has..." Yeah, but, how many people's life does it CONTROL?

Well, to be fair, there's definitely a difference between SOCIAL ANXIETY/PHOBIA and SHYNESS. One's a sickness, and the other is accepted more as a universal personality trait. People can call it what they want, but for me, it's a sickness.

[dude]

Yup, same here. Its hard to be in public because I stick out so much and I guess appear as somewhat retarted, or crazy. And you listen to people talk and find out if theyre talking about you in some other way than direct, like analogies, metaphors, or like if someone switches hes and shes around or others like that so you wont know theyre talking about you. Like when someone outgoing says "Im sooo shy" they might mean the shy person theyre talking about. Though maybe Im paranoid, but I just think Im observant and can put 2 and 2 together, at least.

[NewOrleansLady]

I'm not quite a shy as you, rosie but, I do feel for you. Growing up I used to be A LOt worse than I am now. I would go to friends houses and not say a word to their famlies. I remember a cousin, who we hardly ever see, came over to our house one day with her boyfriend and he leaned in and asked her if there was something wrong with me. I'm sure he thought that I was mute or mildly retarded or something. I've kind of forced myself to get over it and I am a lot better now but, I am still more shy than a 27 year old woman should be. You would think that at some point you would just stop careing about what other people are thinking and just be yourself. I haven't gotten to that point yet.

[Michael1973]

I can relate to this. Many people who claim to be "very shy" have no idea how well off they really are compared to people like us. But for me, the worst is when others talk about it like it's something we can just decide to change at will and, BAM, we're normal! Anybody else ever get that response?

[ESTELLA]

I AM VERY SHY, I HAVE BEEN VERY SHELTERED, I HAVE NEVER GONE OUT INTO THE WORLD. HOW WILL I GET ON IN THIS WORLD? I HAVE NEVER GONE OUT WITH PEOPLE AND SOCIALISED, I HAVE NEVER GONE OUT ON MY OWN. ALWAYS STAYED AT HOME WITH PARENTS. NOT BEEN BROUGHT UP TO INTERACT WITH OTHERS AND NOW I AM SO LOST. PARENTS ARE OLDER, MY DAD IS 64, MUM IS 56. I AM 18. MY SISTER IS 26. SHE HASNT HAD TO BE BROUGHT UP BY OLDER PARENTS AND MY PARENTS MAY HAVE GONE TO PLACES, ENCOURAGING HER TO GO OUT.

[rosiekins]

Michael1973 said:

...the worst is when others talk about it like it's something we can just decide to change at will and, BAM, we're normal! Anybody else ever get that response?

YES! My favorite (HA!) 'words of encouragement' are, "You should talk more!" or, "You're too quiet. TALK!" *dramatic eye roll*

[ESTELLA]

I REALLY HATE DOING ASSIGNMENTS. I LACK CONFIDENCE IN MY OWN ABILITY TO DO THEM AND I KEEP LEAVING THEM TILL THE LAST MINUTE. I THINK THAT THEY WONT BE GOOD ENOUGH, THAT I WILL FAIL, I HAVE NO MOTIVATION. LEAVING IT TILL THE LAST MINUTE ONLY CREATES STRESS COS YOU HAVE TO RUSH IT TO GET IT FINISHED. I CANT WORK AT HOME, MY HOUSE IS CLUTTERED AND MY MUM ACCUMULATES STUFF. I AVOID PEOPLE, I AM STUCK IN A PATTERN OF ALOOFNESS, AVOIDANCE AND RESERVE, I HAVE BEEN LIKE THIS A LONG TIME. I NEVER CONNECT TO PEOPLE, I CANT RELATE TO THEM, INTERACT WITH THEM. AT HIGH SCHOOL I DIDNT GO AROUND WITH A GROUP. IVE NEVER GONE OUT WITH GROUPS OF PEOPLE. I HAVE VERY POOR SOCIAL SKILLS AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO BEHAVE IN SOCIAL SITUATIONS. I AM CUT OFF FROM OTHERS. I CANT BE FRIENDLY WITH PEOPLE. I HAVE ALWAYS HAD ONE BEST FRIEND THROUGH JUNIORS, HIGH. I HAVE NEVER MIXED WITH PEOPLE. I WEAR HEARING AIDS, I AM 18, I HAVE A HEARING DIFFICULTY. THIS ADDS TO THE PROBLEM. I CANT FOLLOW THE CONVERSATION, I CANT HEAR THEM, I MISS OUT. I WENT TO CHESTER ZOO WITH STUDENTS ON MY COURSE, I WENT AROUND WITH THEM BUT NEVER SAID ANYTHING TO THEM. I AM SO SELF CONTAINED, QUIET, I NEVER SPEAK, LIKE A GHOST. I AM A LOST SOUL. I DONT KNOW HOW I AM GOING TO GET ON IN THE WORLD, MY PARENTS ARE VERY SOFT, LOVING AND CARING, THEY ARE VERY CLOSE TO ME. THEY NEED ME. THEY ARE TOO CLOSE, TOO PROTECTIVE. BORN 12 WEEKS EARLY AND NEARLY DIED, THIS WHY THEY ARE SO SOFT WITH ME. NICE HOME LIFE BUT STAY IN DOING NOTHING, FEEL VERY BORED AND FRUSTRATED. NEVER GONE OUT INTO THE WORLD, WITH OTHERS OR ON MY OWN. BEEN VERY SHELTERED. DO I HAVE AVOIDANT PERSONALITY DISORDER COS GONE AROUND ON MY OWN ALL MY LIFE. SOCIALLY INEXPERIENCE. IF WAITING TO DO PRESENTATION AT COLLEGE, CAN FEEL HEART POUNDING, FEEL HOT AND UNCOMFORTABLE, FEEL VERY NERVOUS AND ANXIOUS. WAITING, HEART POUNDING, PALPITATIONS. GO UP TO FRONT, VOICE NERVOUS AND SHAKY. I DONT LOOK AT THE CLASS, STARE AT PAPER. FEEL SO RELIEVED WHEN DONE IT. WORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING. DREAD GOING TO COLLEGE COS GOT TO GIVE TEACHER MICROPHONE (WEAR AROUND NECK SO I CAN HEAR BETTER). SOCIALLY ANXIOUS, DONT ASK FOR HELP, DONT JOIN IN WITH GROUP ACTIVITY, DONT PUT HAND UP IN CLASS. IVE GOT MUCH WORSE AS IVE GOT OLDER. I IVE GOT USED TO GOING AROUND ON MY OWN BUT SOMETIMES I FEEL LONELY AND LOW SELF ESTEEM. THINK I CANT WORK COS I CANT TALK TO PEOPLE, DONT FIT IN, OUTSIDER, DONT BELONG HERE. DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO PEOPLE. VERY SENSITIVE, EASILY HURT. CANT TALK TO AUNTY OR SISTER EVEN! DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO PEOPLE, DONT GO ANYWHERE, HAVE NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT. TOTALLY UNAWARE OF OTHER PEOPLE. AT HOME I TALK TO MUM AND DAD, I LAUGH, I SHOUT AT THEM, TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THEM COS THEY ARE SOFT, TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON. I AM LEADING A DOUBLE LIFE. IN THE COMFORT ZONE I AM AT EASE. I CANT BE MOTIVATED TO DO THE ASSIGNMENT. COMFORT ZONE IS A TRAP THOUGH. I WENT TO A LITTLE PLACE CALLED VISYON. I RANG UP, TALKED TO SOMEONE WHO LOVED NATURE LIKE ME, WENT TO SEE HIM. COUNSELLOR. HE IS VERY FRIENDLY AND I CAN TALK TO HIM, I AM NOT SHY WITH HIM. HE DOESNT THINK I AM SHY BUT I AM AT COLLEGE. HE THINKS I AM A REALLY NICE PERSON, WOULDNT HAVE THOUGHT THAT I CANT TALK TO OTHERS. HE IS VERY NICE, SENSITIVE. HIPPY. HES INTERESTED IN COMPLEMENTARY THERAPIES LIKE ME. AROMATHERAPY, ETC. I DO LITTLE EXCERCISES, VISUALISATION, ROLE PLAY. I NEED TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE WHO ARE LIKE HIM. HE HELP ME. BUT KNOW ONE UNDERSTANDS HOW SHY PEOPLE FEEL AND BEHAVE UNLESS THEY ARE SHY THEMSELVES. FEEL UPSET COS WONT BE ABLE TO SEE HIM FOREVER. I CANT PAY TO GO TO PLACES, MY PARENTS EARN VERY LITTLE. MY PARENTS WONT HELP ME TO CHANGE. I WANT TO SEE THERAPISTS. PSCHOLOGICAL TECHNIQUES. COGNITIVE BEHAVIOURAL THERAPY, SYSTEMATIC DESENSITIZATION. I DONT WANT TO WAIT FOR A LONG TIME TO CHANGE. WANT TO CHANGE NOW. TRY HYPNOTHERAPY? NEED TO SEE HEALER. SHYNESS CONTROLS ME. DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.

[spitzig]

Just because someone's shyness isn't apparent doesn't mean they aren't. Shy people can be very good at hiding it. I am continually amazed when people say I'm not shy. But, in some situations, I can avoid conversations or only get into conversations where I know one of the people. Things like that.

Also, one can be extroverted AND shy. Extroverted means you prefer to have more friends and be close to less of them. You can still be nervous socially. Personally, I'd think it'd be harder to be extroverted and shy, but the extroversion may help people get over the shyness.

[Tiff]

spitzig said:

Just because someone's shyness isn't apparent doesn't mean they aren't. Shy people can be very good at hiding it. I am continually amazed when people say I'm not shy. But, in some situations, I can avoid conversations or only get into conversations where I know one of the people. Things like that.

Also, one can be extroverted AND shy. Extroverted means you prefer to have more friends and be close to less of them. You can still be nervous socially. Personally, I'd think it'd be harder to be extroverted and shy, but the extroversion may help people get over the shyness.

Charlie - definitely. It's amazing when you tell people you are shy and they are "OMG..no you're not!". What they don't realize is for some shys it depends on certain things...some shys are shy when they meet just new people..some are shy when they are with a large group of people...some are just shy with the opposite sex that they like..etc.

Michael - "talk more" - honestly, some people think that's the way to fix being shy. Goodness. Well you can't fault them for being naive about shyness. They just think it's a matter of speaking up or something..it's not. It's a whole combination of things.

What I don't like is being saying you are too quiet. Why don't you talk..or say that you are being rude or a snob. My answer is: Sometimes you just don't have anything to say at the moment so you don't. You don't have to talk all the time when you're with someone.

[spitzig]

Tiff said:

What I don't like is being saying you are too quiet. Why don't you talk..or say that you are being rude or a snob. My answer is: Sometimes you just don't have anything to say at the moment so you don't. You don't have to talk all the time when you're with someone.

I don't mind that. I can respond to that. "What do you want me to say?" I don't like having to admit I'm shy, though, at least to a lot of people.

[Tiff]

spitzig said:

I don't mind that. I can respond to that. "What do you want me to say?" I don't like having to admit I'm shy, though, at least to a lot of people.

Charlie - yeah, it is werid when you do mention it and they are like "Yeah right!" Like anyone really wants to admit something like that LOL.

I don't mind silence with someone, if it's a comfortable one and all, but then again for the other person it might be uncomfortable.

AH, who knows.

[spitzig]

Tiff said:

Charlie - yeah, it is werid when you do mention it and they are like "Yeah right!" Like anyone really wants to admit something like that LOL.

No, that's not what I meant. I meant that quite often people seem surprised when I tell them I am shy because they thought I wasn't shy. They had just seen me with the right group, or something. Or, I avoided situations where I'd seem shy when around them. Or, sometimes I get this from people who I'm interested in(romantically, or just as friends). If I know them well enough to be interested, I usually seem to know enough about them to make conversation with them. Their interests, past, whatever, and that's why I'm interested. If interest is just based on physical attraction, that gives me no basis of conversation, other than something like "Wow, you're preeetttty" or "nice weather, huh?". Neither of these seem to really turn women on.

I don't mind silence with someone, if it's a comfortable one and all, but then again for the other person it might be uncomfortable.

Generally, you have to know a person somewhat well, before it's comfortable. At least, for me. I think I'm worried more about keeping them constantly entertained if I don't know them well, because if I'm not interesting, why would they be interested in me? If they know me well, and still hang around me, they obviously ARE interested, so the pressure is relieved.

[Tiff]

spitzig said:

No, that's not what I meant. I meant that quite often people seem surprised when I tell them I am shy because they thought I wasn't shy. They had just seen me with the right group, or something. Or, I avoided situations where I'd seem shy when around them. Or, sometimes I get this from people who I'm interested in(romantically, or just as friends). If I know them well enough to be interested, I usually seem to know enough about them to make conversation with them. Their interests, past, whatever, and that's why I'm interested. If interest is just based on physical attraction, that gives me no basis of conversation, other than something like "Wow, you're preeetttty" or "nice weather, huh?". Neither of these seem to really turn women on.

Generally, you have to know a person somewhat well, before it's comfortable. At least, for me. I think I'm worried more about keeping them constantly entertained if I don't know them well, because if I'm not interesting, why would they be interested in me? If they know me well, and still hang around me, they obviously ARE interested, so the pressure is relieved.

I agree. Same problem with me. One side I am trying to entertain them..and the other is saying "if you pretend to be someone you're not that's bad" so I try to act more like myself..which is generally..quiet.

It's hard to talk with guys...to have things in common with them. I mean I enjoy some movies and series that guys also like..but otherwise..I"m not a very social person..I love my "me" time..and doing things on my own..and I mean come on..how many guys wanna hear about my knitting and crocheting class? Yeah... I thought so LOL. That's where I have trouble...face to face contact with guys I like..online is no big deal..they don't see your face..you don't have to worry if they think you're pretty even if you think you are...

Anyways, conversation topics are hard to come up with.