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Post by Audio the obscure on Mar 27, 2014 22:41:46 GMT -5
I am so tired of being treated like I don't exist. Well if that's the way they feel, maybe I will just do something about that and make it true. They just read and laugh anyway whether it be on facebook or elsewhere. If I'm negative, they blame me. If I'm positive, they ignore me. I can't win.
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Astrodog
Junior Member
Yes I'm cute! Don't hold it against me!
Posts: 70
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Post by Astrodog on Mar 28, 2014 13:31:38 GMT -5
I am so tired of being treated like I don't exist. Well if that's the way they feel, maybe I will just do something about that and make it true. They just read and laugh anyway whether it be on facebook or elsewhere. If I'm negative, they blame me. If I'm positive, they ignore me. I can't win. Oh, I'm sorry, audio. I know you exist. here, I'll prove it. *lick lick lick*
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Post by Audio the obscure on Apr 9, 2014 19:10:14 GMT -5
Already did this for real (except for the swearing lol), but I'm still angry so here goes:
Dammit i'm so bloody angry!!! Finally I'm away from that roominghouse and into my own 1 bedroom apartment and I have to have THIS - YOU over my head making noise with that blasted idiot box. Why Why Why does this always happen to me? What bad thing did I do that I can't get away from people bothering me with their noise?!! Blast that person upstairs!!! I am so frustrated and exasperated!!! How many times now have I complained to the landlord. About 3 or 4 times now. And I'm SO COLD here!!! Stop being disrespectful. At least respect the landlord. He must have told you your tv is too loud and for you to lower the volume. Fine, you don't respect me. That's par for the course isn't it, with you? Here I am, as quiet as I can be (of course not now in this forum obviously with this post,but anyway), I hold myself back from practicing the guitar trying to show you respect, your highness, and yet you don't appreciate it! I could really blast this place if I wanted to!!! I could put my keyboard on full with full drums and automatic chording -= all at FULL VOLUME and just keep it there - but I wouldn't do that. What is your problem anyway. I'm no threat to you. If I have to move out, how do you know that you won't get someone really noisy who would want to party all the time and disturb YOU?! Now stop behaving like an asshole like you did earlier, turning your tv up even louder when you knew it was bothering me. I don't understand people like you. If I had even one stated complaint from the landlord from a tenant, I'd be too nervous to turn on anything, much less turn it LOUD!!!
Actually, I'm not doing this excuse thing very well tonight, because all this stress of her bothering me has put me into another depression. (Please excuse this next part - it's just "feelings" from this depression: I feel like ending it all (I don't want to die) - I just want all this to stop. Because I don't even feel free enough here to practice music and singing = like I was hoping to/looking forward to doing (the sound carries so badly here that I'm nervous even to talk on the telephone).
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Post by Audio the obscure on Apr 17, 2014 18:44:59 GMT -5
April 17, 2014
I've been sick with a bronchitis cold since Sunday night and that asshole upstairs is so heartless that she does all this banging because my cough is keeping her awake at night. Well excuse me for disturbing her majesty's sleep (grrr) when I cannot control this hacking cough because when the cold air hits my lungs then I start coughing. It is incomprehensible to me her reaction. I can only hypothesize that she must think I'm doing it on purpose to keep HER awake. I wouldn't wish this cough on the devil himself! It takes away my energy, which I have little of in the first place. I tried to get ready today to get the bus over town, but I just felt too weak, so only could manage a bath. It is terribly cold here, averaging about 54 in the bedroom in the morning. I hate this cough, but I have no way to get cough medicine because I'm just too weak to go to the store and there's nobody here that cares enough to drive me to the drugstore to buy some, even if I gave them money for gas. A taxi there and back would be too expensive so I have to let it run it's course and hopefully next week it'll be better. I've eaten hardly a thing since Sunday night, which supper was the last full meal I've had. All this one cares about is playing her tv at booming loud volume no matter how much it is disturbing to others; and the superintendent said I had a legitimate basis for complaint. This is not rocket science. I wish that landlord would just lay down the law and say you HAVE to turn it down consistently at a reasonable volume or face the consequences. If our situations were reversed, all I would have taken would be one warning or notice from the landlord and I would have complied. I just feel like telling her to go square flying....(of course it wouldn't do any good anyway)!!!
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Post by Audio the obscure on Apr 17, 2014 18:48:23 GMT -5
I am so tired of being treated like I don't exist. Well if that's the way they feel, maybe I will just do something about that and make it true. They just read and laugh anyway whether it be on facebook or elsewhere. If I'm negative, they blame me. If I'm positive, they ignore me. I can't win. Oh, I'm sorry, audio. I know you exist. here, I'll prove it. *lick lick lick* Awww thanks, superdoggie. If you were here at my place I'd give you lots of dog treats and petting lol. I love animals, lol.
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Post by marle on Apr 17, 2014 19:08:42 GMT -5
I'm very sorry to hear about that, audio. Are you doing something to treat your bronchitis?
I really don't understand either why some people are so thoughtless.
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Post by Audio the obscure on May 3, 2014 20:05:04 GMT -5
May 3, 2014
You sanctimonious coward! grrr. You call yourself a Christian and yet you have no patience with me. You look for every opportunity to correct me on minor things I've done, yet I have to watch what I say around you. And your wife, butting into my private life and business giving me unwanted and unsolicited advice - what a piece of work! And you a double piece of work: rebuking ME because your wife butts into my business without my asking her to give me advice. You should be correcting HER, not me. You're a Christian, read the book, it says don't give advice to people who don't want it because they will just turn again and rend you. Christ had a name for people like you who don't practice what you preach: it's called hypocrite! That's why I no longer have any use for church or religion. You're like the Aesop Fable called "The Snake and the File" because the least little thing I say that even has a minor smattering of offense to you, you're on me like a dog with a piece of meat! And that church group you go to, why don't you do your research instead of blindly getting involved with them?! Their leader was one of the worst hypocrites on the face of the Earth, not practicing what he learned and probably preached!!!
I don't feel better, lol. Was hoping I would. What I want now is a nice thick piece of steak,, a glass of red wine, a couple of big speakers that dingbat upstairs can't blare her tv over, and just some company, any company, with some good stimulating conversation, I don't care what topic as long as we have a good time discussing it. Politics, religion, sports, I don't care, just something with some people so I can feel ALIVE for a change, looool.
Got the hockey game on now. I just hate these blasted headphones they pinch my ears so damn bad. Ok now I'll put a song since dingbat upstairs bloomin A! - won't let me practice my darn guitar lol. Well everytime I play anything, she starts with the feet on top of my head (ceiling, since she lives top of my apartment, lol).
Chip of the Old Block (words subject to change, lol, since I can't remember them all hahaha) Made as part of "Status Quo" (1996 group of songs - I believe there are some in the creative thread also):
Just got home from work/took the bus into the city/I grab a shower 'cuz I really need it/I dry my hair and take a cooler out of the fridge. Put a tv dinner in the microwave/grab my guitar and rock on w/some tunes/turn the mic on, sing at the top of my lungs/Makes me feel SO ALIVE
Just a 'chip off the old block'/gotta have the tunes/just a 'chip off the old block'/gotta have the muse - just like dad did years ago, years ago.
He played lead in a country band/that's how he met my mum/they said 'he'd never get a girl'/but he showed them they were wrong. He was glad for Friday night/he could have some beers and just unwind/got pickin that old wildwood weed/and any other tune that he could find
His carbon copy almost had it made/did something even dad did not do/was on local tv for a short little stint/dad was so proud which made my heart glad/not meant to be I fizzled out too fast/I always knew that I would never ever last/they want their kids to have what they never had/it made me weak just like a passing fad
Just a 'chip off the old block'/want the rock/but instead I got the blues/just a 'chip off the old block'/inferior grade I am just 'yesterday's news'
(wrote this song before, but it had different words than this, which I can't remember lol. If I ever remember - or recover - the other lyrics, maybe I can make a part 1 and part 2 of this song lol)
I'm still angry....but now I'm depressed along with the anger *sighs*
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Post by Audio the obscure on May 3, 2014 21:40:41 GMT -5
Either that (stimulating convo)preferably over a steak dinner and red wine, or I hit the bus and hi tail it to a downtown bar, preferably karaoke, lol.
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Post by Sigh on May 18, 2015 14:36:21 GMT -5
ARRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH I wrote out a huge post detailing my current problems, and then hit the fucking back button on the browser instead of posting it and it's gone! I don't think I have the emotional energy to type it all out again
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Post by puppet on May 29, 2015 12:44:31 GMT -5
Aww.. It's always so frustrating when it happens.
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Post by puppet on May 29, 2015 12:48:46 GMT -5
I have a show tomorrow. I accepted to play under pressure. I want to disappear now. Ahah.
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Post by Strawberry on Jun 1, 2015 19:32:29 GMT -5
ARRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH I wrote out a huge post detailing my current problems, and then hit the fucking back button on the browser instead of posting it and it's gone! I don't think I have the emotional energy to type it all out again Hope you're doing at least somewhat better now. :/ In the past, whenever I wrote a long post...I'd always have to copy/paste it periodically into a document, just in case. So annoying to accidentally delete something! @ puppet: What kind of a show?
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Post by puppet on Jun 1, 2015 23:26:20 GMT -5
@ puppet: What kind of a show? I'm learning to play djembe. It's an African drumming instrument. It was our end of the year show. Well it is over. Pressure is gone.
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Post by Audio the obscure on Mar 6, 2016 11:42:41 GMT -5
Good on you, Puppet for going through with participating playing the djembe:).
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Post by Audio the obscure on Mar 6, 2016 12:31:07 GMT -5
Well, I don't know how many more entries I will make. They say that things you say to yourself about yourself are "self fulfilling prophecies". I'd written a lot of songs when I was 15 and 16 about being lonely; and now they've come true in the 21st century. I'm at the point I'm apprehensive to write anymore along this line (songs about being alone, etc.)
Last night I played some on the guitar, some covers, a few of my own songs, such as they are. I even did a stripped down (acoustic version) of Overpowered. Sounded (to me at least) pretty good at the time (almost felt as if I were in concert: sorry I know I sound like Zaphod Beeblebrox lol (((egotistical))).
But I am in a depression also. Perhaps I am bipolar (albeit perhaps the hypomania type)
Ongoing feelings of loneliness persist. If the loneliness were gone, I think the depression would not exist (perhaps not).
I've met very few people in my long life. Extremely very few of all I've met I have had some kind of relationship (i.e. friendship or other) with. Most of these people have ended up hating me. I'm at the point I'm afraid to meet and have any sort of relationship, even a friendship, with anyone for fear that the same outcome may/will happen. The only person I hang around with now is my best friend Marion. I have no satisfying peer friendships. My friend Brent is the only one that is (so far) not negative toward me. The ongoing loneliness-depression is a vicious circle/cycle causing me to neglect some of my peer friends (female). Brent doesn't mind if we don't touch base for weeks or months because he's even more introverted than I am and prefers solitude when he's not working. One friend was upset with me about two years ago because I had (not on purpose, but because of my deep depression) neglected getting together with her. I fear the same thing has happened again. I telephoned her a few weeks ago at a time when I knew she would be at work. The reason being she has diabetes and is very tired when she gets home from work. My reasoning was (she has call display or caller ID) that, if she saw my number on her phone, she could telephone me at a time in the evening which was convenient for her. I meant well, I really did, but I think I may have unknowingly at the time offended her. I've been wanting to telephone her again, THIS time at a time when I know her to be at home (not at work); but I can't get myself to do it. I thought of emailing her, and trying to explain, but I can't get myself to do that. Her mother lives in the same building that I said I just moved into a couple of months ago. I had made some sweets a few weeks ago, and rang her doorbell. There was no answer, so I left the wrapped up sweets (fudge) in a plastic bag and hung it on her outside apartment door, with a note saying they were from me and what apartment I was in. There was no reply back nor phone call. I take that to mean that either I've upset one or the other or both of them, though I had no desire to offend either of them.
Throughout the years, the few guys that I had "gone out with", have eventually also ended up hating me. One in particular lives in Fredericton; and though we ended our "going together" in friendship, the last couple of years he no longer speaks to me, and if he sees me around the city, snubs me. I have no idea why because I've not been rude nor said anything mean to him or about him. I'm not promiscuous. I keep to myself. So I don't know why he's treating me this way. He is on his second marriage now and he has a child from his first marriage. I've not interfered with him in any way.
If this is all there is going to be to my life for the rest of my life, then I'd be better off dead. I hate where I have moved. It is a senior's apartment building; but there is an undercurrent of hostility toward the younger seniors (such as myself who are not old enough yet to get the old age pension). I avoid almost everyone since figuring this out. My friend Brent warned me about this place, about the downstairs "lounge" being a gossip centre which is why he will not apply to move into this building (his dad lived here until he died). The apartment which is on the 7th floor is very hot. I still need to purchase an air conditioner as the existing one (here when I moved in) was not working. The previous tenant who lived here for at least 4 years probably had to use it a lot so I'm sure that's why it longer functions. It's no problem BUYING another air conditioner; maintenance said I need to get one that's the same measurement as the one which no longer works. It is quite big as the windows, designed for a wheelchair accessible apartment, are quite big. This was the only apartment available to me, so I had to take it or refuse it. I've searched online and locally for an air conditioner with the right dimensions, without success. I may have to buy one with smaller dimensions, inform maintenance, and hope that whatever company they get to install it won't charge me "an arm and a leg" to do the work.
But back to my life as it is emotionally.
The loneliness is unbearable. I've taken up knitting to try to get my mind off it. But it still persists. Knitting helps, for awhile; but I can't keep knitting all the time. I have other things that must be done; housework, cooking, bathing, etc. and the loneliness persists from the time I awake til I go to sleep (and I sleep very little as the sun beats in upon sunrise and if I'm not awake before then, I awake soon after).
I know I probably need to make some kind of amends to the female friend I mentioned earlier, whose mum lives in this building. It's exhausting trying to come up with the right words to say that she will be satisfied with and forgive me. Part of me is angry that the onus is on ME to make amends when I never really was that important to this person in the first place. I am not her stated "best friend" and she told me in the past that she does not believe in the concept of "best friends". Actually, emotionally I've somewhat "pulled away" from her because I am deeply disappointed in our fractured "friendship". But of course, I can't tell her this. Even at best, she wants the control, the high end of any relationship with me. And I am the lowest, if I am at all, in her life. Even her cats are more important than myself. Sorry about how this sounds, but this thread is the Excuse This thread. It infuriates me how people put their animals above human relationships. It infuriates me that they care so much about stray animals, but care very little for stray humans i.e. the homeless. And yes of course I know why. Nothing more on this needs to be said by me.
I wish I had not been born. I have nothing positive to offer anyone. Most people, upon getting to know me, at best placate me and patronize me (which I abhor) or ignore me (middle ground), or they expect too much of me without being willing to do the same thing - or if I tell them something about a problem I'm having about a relationship with other people or a person (unnamed, in confidence), and they'll act all sympathetic saying, "Oh that person shouldn't be that way!" But if the confidante behaves in the same manner, and if I point it out to them, they justify their actions (or inactions) saying essentially it is their right, and then put me in the wrong. Hypocrites! Bloody hypocrisy! That is one main reason I've given up religion. I can't live up to it. The price is too high. And there is no "opium" in return for my "efforts", so there it is.
I would have to do something drastic to get the very few people I've had relationships (friendships, I mean, not S. O. relationships, mind you) with to like me again. It would take something really big. It probably would have to be a case of if their life was in danger, and I saved it. Sorry again for how this sounds. I just mean that friendship-wise (not religious wise! mind you) it feels like I have to atone for the bad friendship. But I am just not sure it is worth the effort. If this person (the lady I mentioned) is going to continually hold this over my head about my depression causing me to neglect (not on purpose is my neglect) the friendship; which friendship is not really that close - I don't think it is anyway. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying and getting nowhere. I just want it all to stop. I've begged God (again, no I'm not religious anymore, I don't go to church; I just say this out of exasperation, stress, desperation, etc.) to just take my life because I've failed. I've failed religiously, I've failed occupationally, I've failed in friendships. I wish I had never been born. Yes I know I already said this earlier. There have been times I almost died (when I was a baby: erythroblastosis fetalis); when I was 11 (almost drowned, a neighbour - a father of one of my school mates - saved my life. Plus a few preschool times (ages 3-5) I could have died also, but obviously I hadn't.
I guess the only thing people could possibly learn FROM ME is how NOT to live. "Look upon a failed life, and do not emulate it." - THAT should be on my headstone - IF I get a headstone. Chances are I won't even have a burial but will have to be cremated - pls excuse the morbidity; again this is the "excuse this" thread (((wry laugh at myself))).
There is no other purpose for my life. And that's such a negative purpose. Not worthy of even talking about.
I wish instead I could have been a success that people could see and perhaps read about and admire. That would have been worthy to discuss.
In all my trying, I have failed miserably.
Some day it will for me all be over. It is the waiting and suffering and knowing that is difficult to bear.
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