Ghost
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Posts: 220
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Post by Ghost on Mar 16, 2004 9:28:03 GMT -5
I have given it a bit of thought Serious, but I don't think there is anyway that you can bring it in a relative subtle way. She is convinced you love her, so I don't think that anything you will say will be taken in well. As I wrote before, the chance that you will remain being friends is not a large one...quite slim even. Here are a break up generator (didn't even knew they existed..!)..: alumni.imsa.edu/~amyyan/php/dump.html
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Post by SeriousQuestion on Mar 17, 2004 7:09:51 GMT -5
Thanks all for your advice,
I will come back and let you know how it went after Sunday. I looked around on the Net for more advice and it seems the main thing is not to do it in public, not to provoke an argument in order to feel less guilty, not to ask if you can still be friends, and be sure to allow the other person to ask any questions they have.
I will need to think of something better than the cliched "It's not you, it's me" and "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" which are actually quite close to how I feel. I'm not looking forward to this but I can see now that the longer I leave it the worse it will be. When I was single I thought being in a relationship again would be so great, but it hasn't turned out that way. No doubt I will be on the receiving end someday so I'll do my best to consider her feelings. It's just that men and women are so different that "treat them the way you would like to be treated" doesn't really apply.
Thanks again to all.
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Post by canisay182 on Mar 21, 2004 23:22:10 GMT -5
Please brake up with her! She will be crushed if you keep her believing she is in a serious relationship when she isnt. she might think that she really found someone that loves her when your only leading her on. If you end it she may be sad at first, but it will be worse if you kept lying to her. When its over you can both find someone you truly care about and who cares about you. Thanks ;D
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Ghost
Full Member
Posts: 220
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Post by Ghost on Mar 22, 2004 5:12:15 GMT -5
Whoa..you've done your homework. I never knew that much about the etiquette of breaking up before Yes, cliche answers are always bad. I never thought of giving that advise. Perhaps I would find those standard answers amusing enough to believe that the poor ex is clueless how to break up in another gentle way. Yes, the point is that when people are lonely, especially males, from what I have seen online, think that a relationship will somehow do the magic and make them all feel better again. For a while perhaps, but it doesn't take away the things that made that person feel lonely permanent, because it has usually to do with their own mental condition/life that makes them feel that way. Yeah, men and women are different in several aspects. Like that I know a woman who complained now and then that her hubby never did anything romantic like giving flowers. Most (married) guys will not even think of that. Their reasoning is "she knows I love her, what difference would flowers make? It costs money and they die fast". You're welcome, btw I hope things went as well as it could go. Fingers crossed.
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Post by SeriousQuestion on Mar 22, 2004 7:56:31 GMT -5
Thanks Ghost,
Well it was really painful but we got through it and I honestly felt I had done the right thing for both of us. It hadn't come as such a shock to her, in fact she said she had felt she was "losing me" and had been wondering what she had "done wrong" when of course she hadn't done anything wrong. But there was a lot of "was it this" and "was it that" which made be feel bad, because she was putting herself down and also because she thinks my feelings have changed a lot, when really I was thinking of her more like a friend from the start. She had obviously thought my shyness was because I found it difficult to show passion, when really I wasn't so passionate.
She was so grateful for the time we had together and the feeling I had awakened in her, which was really nice of her to say. I was half-expecting a "you've ruined my life" speech but instead she credited me with getting her out of a massive rut. However she did say that she didn't think we could still be friends as it would be too painful for her. I wonder if I had said lets be friends from the start if we would have, or if she already had enough friends and what she really wanted was a partner.
I don't think I will want another relationship for at least another year as I've really found being in a relationship all-consuming, I've lost focus on my job, fitness and friendships and realised how little self-esteem I have. I have no idea how to attract someone that I could be passionate about, and to be honest at this point doubt I will ever find someone who I love and who loves me. But at least I am not compounding the problem by keeping someone else in a relationship when I either can't or won't love them in the way they want. So I feel very lonely today and wonder if I'll live to regret this but I feel at least I don't feel guilty.
Thanks again all fall the advice
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Ghost
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Posts: 220
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Post by Ghost on Mar 22, 2004 8:46:41 GMT -5
I was expecting the worst case scenario as well. I wouldn't think she would be grateful at all! She must be a kind person. But with the friend thing I anticipated. Being around the person who broke up with you can't feel good. Wondering if you still would be friends if you kept it at a clear friendship base, is natural but also going nowhere. I think that if she really fell in love with you when she was still a friend of yours, that the friendship might not have lasted that long after all, if you would say you wanted to be friends, nothing more and not date her in such a sense. Ah yes. You have had the same idea as those other lonely males with a shaky self esteem: having a girl will make things all better and alright again. Not conscious, but subconscious the guys must think that if they would just have a partner that sudden, everything falls back in place again and they would live happily ever after. No relationship will truely work until they have a more stable and balanced life with a healthy dosis self esteem and confidence, so that they don't depend and lean on their partner/other people all the time. In your case it shows why friends often loose contact and have less time for ech other when one get's a girl/boyfriend. The "other half" consumes most of their time and they are rather oblivious about how their friends feel, or other things they neglect. Don't despair yet. You might find someone who you will love and vice versa. But first you have to work on yourself and loose the need that you need others to feel complete and good about yourself. If you are ok with yourself, then you can think about what kind of person seems attractive to you personality wise. Attracting a person you would do by socializing, chatting with them, getting to know them, coming over approachable, eye contact, smile, show interest, straight back, etc etc. But getting your life and you straightend up should be a priority. People attach to much weight to finding and having a partner (ok, I admit, I am not someone who really feels much for it...so my opinion may be a little biased). You may regret it a little, but at the long run it would have only wasted your time. It would keep her and you from doing what is needed and perhaps finding someone you can truely love. Not too mention the pressure that would be bestowed unto you. Thank you for letting us know how it went Hope you feel better soon.
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Post by CaryGrant on Mar 23, 2004 11:21:01 GMT -5
Good job, Serious. You did the right thing. That she was decent about shows that she has a good character - and that she thinks you do, too. If she thought you were a bastard, you would probably have heard about it one way or another. Instead, she respected your honesty and forthrightness. There's no way to tell if you could have been "just friends" had you stated that from the start; quite likely she would have developed feelings for you regardless.
When my ex dumped me, she really wanted to be friends and I really didn't want to be. However, after a break, we are friends. I needed time to get over my attachment for her and to feel better about myself. The same may happen for this woman.
I think you are doing the right thing by deciding to focus on yourself, on making yourself more whole and well-balanced, before thinking about another relationship. Relationships should not unbalance your life the way yours did (and all mine have - I also took time off to sort myself out, and am SO glad I did).
You did attract someone who was passionate about you, so you must have something to offer, even if you don't see it yourself yet. Get that self-esteem up, and it's only a matter of time before you attract and are attracted to someone great!
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