What is the cause of shyness?

[griffins]

Do you think shyness is something people are born with or is it the way you were raised/ your experiences?
Or maybe a combination?
I think it is a combination, some hereditary but mostly the way you are raised. I read somewhere that it may be an experience where you got really embarassed and became shy. I know that didn't happen to me though, I've been shy since I could remember.
I think it was my parents- I love them dearly but I think they played a role in it. They're the type that would criticize over little things, my grades were never good enough. They would make choices for me, even when I was young, what toys I should play with, what clothes I should wear. I guess I could have objected but I was passive and just went along with it. I know they meant well but I guess it just exacerbated an underlying problem of shyness/low self-esteem.
How did your parents treat you guys when you were growing up?

[respectful]

Mostly our upbringing IMHO

Here's a few things I've observed.

1 One or both parents say have been hurt/defrauded deeply and though they may not want to they somehow transfer their pain to their offspring.


2 A Father can feel, because of what he has suffered, that any male is a threat to him - and so he finds in his son a way to gain the supremacy he has been robbed of.

3 Mothers can be jealous of their daughters and sadly maliciously set them up "for the wolves" - yep! it happens.
etc etc



Where you were born in a family has a huge factor IMO

e.g. The first child comes along and receives all the attention until the next child. Then the attention is divided - if not handled well jealousies can grow and the younger sibling can suffer repercussions from the older in various degrees.
Having tasted of this gratifying experience the older one may also inflict on the younger the pangs he/she suffers in the world (easy target)

This may not always be the case, but I've seen a fair bit of it.

One doesn't see very often the youngest in the family being the dominant one, unless they've had a very strong supportive base.



Usually the youngest, having no one to unload their distresses upon, grow more servile and compliant..... something which never seems to change.






AnyUzzerObservashions are welcome, I want to understand these things better (I'm shy too)

[Paulinus]

As far back as I can remember I've been shy, now I don't know if that is at all hereditary or a product of being brought up by parents who are both shy particularly my mum. So maybe I was predisposed to it from the day I was born, or maybe it arose from being brought up by someone who was shy herself and passed her fears of the world down to me.

My mum was over protective at times which did hinder me a bit when I had friends, as I couldn't do certain things with them because she wouldn't allow it, and being the good little boy I was I never disobeyed her.

As far as low self esteem goes I cant blame them for that they have usually been supportive of me. No pressure when it came to things like grades or whatever.

As for the order of birth I'm the oldest of three and easily the shyest of the lot, although none of us are particularly outgoing.

Shyness does seem to run in my family.

[hopeful]

I think it is a combination, some hereditary but mostly the way you are raised.

I think I agree with that. And yet I'm not sure that anything happened to me when I was growing up to cause me to be like this. My parents were never particularly over protective at all. My mum has always made regular spiteful/hurtful comments, but that's just how she is and I don't think that one thing would affect me that drastically!

No one else in my family is shy. In fact, I've never known anyone else who's as shy as me (except online. And that was only recently!).

[fighter]

I believe some people have a predisposition to shyness but it requires social conditioning to trigger it. Through a lot of thinking I have found memories that could explain why I am shy, but there is also the fact that my parents are somewhat shy/introverted. The good news is that future behaviour can override past experiences, and there is even evidence to suggest new cognitive patterns can change old physiological reactions. I don't care if it's nature or nurture, all I know is that I'm going to get what I want out of life, regardless of my shyness.

[griffins]

fighter said:

I believe some people have a predisposition to shyness but it requires social conditioning to trigger it. Through a lot of thinking I have found memories that could explain why I am shy, but there is also the fact that my parents are somewhat shy/introverted. The good news is that future behaviour can override past experiences, and there is even evidence to suggest new cognitive patterns can change old physiological reactions. I don't care if it's nature or nurture, all I know is that I'm going to get what I want out of life, regardless of my shyness.

I like your attitude! I definitely feel that I've been doing rather well trying to change old physiological reactions but those old thought patterns have been ingrained in my mind for so long...this process is taking along time.

[Hope.AnGeL]

Both heritage and living surrouding are causes. Parents overprotected. The child wasn't outgoing since childhood.

[franco]

You are spot on Fighter. I believe the old adage "Give me the boy and I'll give you the man". I believe this applies whatever the temperament of the child.

In my case my parents never talked about girls or sex, except to tease me. I believe that was the main problem. Also, growing up with your parents seperated and arguing doesn't give you any kind of example. My mum was also a man hater and was jealous of my dad for having relationships. We used to go out at night looking for his girlfriends car to stab the tyres. That's when she wasn't stabbing my dad in front of me.

[griffins]

griffins said:

Do you think shyness is something people are born with or is it the way you were raised/ your experiences?
Or maybe a combination?
I think it is a combination, some hereditary but mostly the way you are raised. I read somewhere that it may be an experience where you got really embarassed and became shy. I know that didn't happen to me though, I've been shy since I could remember.
I think it was my parents- I love them dearly but I think they played a role in it. They're the type that would criticize over little things, my grades were never good enough. They would make choices for me, even when I was young, what toys I should play with, what clothes I should wear. I guess I could have objected but I was passive and just went along with it. I know they meant well but I guess it just exacerbated an underlying problem of shyness/low self-esteem.
How did your parents treat you guys when you were growing up?

Once again, I love my parents but I bring this thread back because I was telling them my shyness/lack of assertiveness at work and they were saying I need to change that etc, etc, etc.
Long story short, in our discussion was that my upbringing was partly a cause. I did not blame them nor did I criticize them but I said that being overprotective/restrictive is not necessary a good thing.
They completely disagreed. Actually my dad said I was totally wrong in my theory and that: more knowledge=more confidence and assertiveness so I should just "study and read" more!
Ummm...I don't think that's gonna do it (though I agreed with him knowledge is very important, it DOES NOT equate to confidence)
Actually I'm thinking in my mind "you always telling me I'm wrong is part of the problem" =)
Although I brush it off now but when I was younger, I always thought I was wrong about everything when he criticized my choice in music, clothing, academic major, many things.

[illegallyblonde]

I think it is a combination of genetics and upbringing. I think I was shy as a child, however, my mom never encouraged me to be more outgoing. It seems like she actually discouraged me from trying new things or venturing out, because I might fail or it would cause me to be nervous or whatever. I think if I would have been encouraged when I was younger, I would not be the shy misfit that I am today!

[gaia]

May 3, 2008 16:17:50 GMT -5 illegallyblonde said:

I think it is a combination of genetics and upbringing. I think I was shy as a child, however, my mom never encouraged me to be more outgoing. It seems like she actually discouraged me from trying new things or venturing out, because I might fail or it would cause me to be nervous or whatever. I think if I would have been encouraged when I was younger, I would not be the shy misfit that I am today!

I'm sure it's difficult for parents though, to get a good balance.

You can't be too 'pushy' because it might upset your child and make them hate you.
On the other hand, being too lenient could have consequences (i.e. a shybee child ).

And by the way, i'm sure you're not a misfit.

[deadendphilosopher]

I read a book (The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron) that says shy people are often highly sensitive, and their shyness is often the result of their sensitivity being misunderstood. Aron says high sensitivity is a neutral trait that about 20% of the population possess, which in and of itself has nothing to do with shyness or fearfulness. However sensitivity is undervalued in western cultures, which favor boldness. People with high sensitivity often "pause to check" a new situation out before getting very involved or may not always participate in certain situations as outwardly at all. This is because they process much more subtle stimuli in the environment than non sensitive people do, so they reach their optimum level or arousal more quickly. As a result, other people often wrongly interpret a highly sensitive person's reluctance to get immediately involved in a situation to be the result of fear or inhibition. This can create a self fulfilling prophecy: If a highly sensitive person is treated as scared or shy from a young age because of this misunderstanding, chances are he/she will begin to see him/herself as shy and will then begin to feel shy, which can become a vicious cycle.

Thinking about my own life, I am pretty sure this is how I became shy. When I was younger when encountering a new situation, I would often just observe for a little while before participating because the new situation was overwhelming, but I don't think I usually felt frightened. However I remember adults would sometimes single me out and encourage me not to be afraid, and after a while most new situations became scary.

A specific instance stands out in my mind: My family moved so I started at a new school in 3rd grade. The class would read together everyday, but I let months pass before I raised my hand and volunteered to read for the first time. I remember not being afraid to read for a long time before I did, but just not feeling like it. When I finally did volunteer, I wasn't afraid, but the teacher reacted as if I was. She gave me the smallest section on the page and was extra encouraging. I remember feeling very perplexed. I think it also made me feel weak, incompetent, and abnormal. I don't think I volunteered again. Nowadays I'm terrified to speak in class.

[shynesssucks]

i wonder if there are twins studies out there on this? like twins that have been separated at birth and brought up different families that would tell us alot..
but i think the general theory about nature vs nurture is that it's a combination of both heritance and environment-a genetic predisposition and environmental nurture to bring out that trat...

In my case I've always been shy and I think I was prone to being shy. If i compare myself with my brother and think about how we were brought up I see that my parents didn't treat him any different than I was treated but somehow i turned out to be introverted and my brother has many close friends.

Neither of my parents are shy really but my mom is very social while my dad is a bit socially awkward like myself. I think my brother is more like my mom. This will be way too simplified, but I think ive got the shyness genes from my dad and am more prone to being shy.. my family upbringing, with over-protective parents and somewhat reserved family values nurtured my introvertedness. My brother on the other hand grew up in the same family, was treated the same way, but he turned out pretty normal..

[strawberrysweetie]

May 4, 2008 2:53:33 GMT -5 gaia said:

I'm sure it's difficult for parents though, to get a good balance.

You can't be too 'pushy' because it might upset your child and make them hate you.
On the other hand, being too lenient could have consequences (i.e. a shybee child ).

Definitely. Parenting is absolutely difficult. I don't think there is such a thing as being a perfect parent. It's impossible, imo.

But some parents are very sh*tty and some are quite good. While I think upbringing can be very powerful on how a person turns out---the way he or she thinks/behaves--it doesn't necessarily seal the fate of the child. Regarding one of my sisters....I just don't get her at all. Even though we were raised in the same household, she just....eh, I just don't get her or how she thinks. At one point I deeply despised her, but now (now that I'm away) I almost feel unrelated to her (as bad as that may sound)....and mostly just think of her as a very selfish person who seems to have a couple of screws loose.

Jun 7, 2008 18:18:11 GMT -5 shynesssucks said:

i wonder if there are twins studies out there on this? like twins that have been separated at birth and brought up different families that would tell us alot..

I remember reading something in a psych text book about twin girls being separated at birth and meeting each other at the same exact college with no previous knowledge of one another. Apparently they came to find that they were very similar, despite being raised in different families. They were different in some ways, but had some of the same favorites and stuff like that. Sorry I can't remember specifics.



And deadendphilosopher, that is a pretty interesting theory. I can't apply it to myself, but it is an interesting view.



I think I'm largely the way I am due to nature. BUT, to say that's the only factor is, of course, silly....my upbringing, particularly my experiences growing up did reinforce my tendency toward shyness/introversion. In my case, though, I can't blame my parents. They were never overprotective. They did encourage me to go do things when the opportunities arose....(I just didn't follow through on them, usually because I was too scared to--though, that's not what I'd tell them).

Mostly, I just blame myself. I *chose* not to try extracurricular actvities, even though I really wanted to. I *chose* to hide behind babysitting for my sister's children, when I probably should have found a job outside the home. I may not have chose to think or feel the way I did....and I may not have chosen to be an overly sensitive child.....but I did choose to do things that ENABLED my shyness, my avoidance, my fear of being criticized.

I think perhaps the most hurtful thing to me, in all of this, is my supposed inability to *belong*....in my mind, I am (and always have been) outside of the group, whatever group that may have been. As a child, I felt like an outsider in my family because I was quite a bit younger than my older siblings and quite a bit older than my younger siblings. So, I was either too young or too old to enjoy what they were doing. And just for the record....my siblings all seemed to have done very well in the friend/social-life department. We all have quite different personalities, but I am by far the most shy of all. Oh, and regarding my parents....they do alright now, though both have expressed being somewhat shy in the past....and while they aren't really social (they don't really have friends they go out and do things with).....they aren't like me, in sense of my extreme avoidance. However, I must add...since I rarely left the house and wasn't involved in activities....now being on my own, I am realizing how their sort of lifestyle and certain likes/dislikes have rubbed off on me.

And at school, I just couldn't join in on my own...I always relied on someone who sought me out first, asked me to join in. Otherwise, I'd be on the playground sitting alone somewhere or off sitting alone in free time during class pretending to do work.

It all feels very silly and childish....but I still have a strong tendency to do things that enable my shyness. Currently I have 2 part-time jobs....but one is in someone's home and the other I am hiding behind a telephone, with very little to no interaction with co-workers. I have things in my mind that I could do to get over my shyness; I just have great difficulty in actually forcing myself to do such things.

...sorry for such a lengthy post. I just like writing about this sometimes, because writing sorts out my thoughts better.

[rudy]

my parents were terribly shy when they were my age, but they blossomed out of it, and are now a couple of the most social people i know. maybe i'm a late bloomer and snap out of it. i think shynesss is physicalogical and genetic.