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Post by Jarous on Mar 7, 2004 15:44:47 GMT -5
WARNING. Don't waste your precious time reading this. Herein lie private thoughts put down for better understanding of where I am (precisely where I don't want to be) and what I shall to get out of here (it stinks all around, you know).
I've just seen a video record of our final exams party (Right, the party was held before the exams. I guess that's because if it was when they are over, some of us wouldn't have anything to celebrate). I knew all along what to expect (after all I've been there) but I was disappointed, embarrassed and also hurt nonetheless. I am virtually non-appearing on the 2-hours' movie and the rare occassions I am seen would be that much better if I weren't. My friends (better said class mates) are all merry, in anticipation of a great evening ... while I try to hide in the corner showing anxious and artificial smiles to the camera when it finds me. The painful contrasts are everywhere: their calm, relaxed walk, uncaring dance, heartful laughs ... Even in scenes we are all together and supposed to shout. For the others it's the most natural thing to do. But no sound escapes my mouth however I may try. Jumping and waving your hands ... seemingly such a trivial thing but such an obstacle for me.
Watching the record stirred some unpleasant thoughts I managed to banish long ago. How much of real life I do miss, will ever miss? That night one girl I especially care for called me a veritable bore (not literally, I can't translate, probably closer to a nerd). At that moment it nearly brought tears to my eyes - but now - her words ring sweetly of truth and their taste is bittersweet. I, we, of all the people know best how the truth can hurt. Yet, will I do nothing to change? It's said that without a change one's past determines one's future. Let's have a look at it:
I was born nearly 19 years ago and spent my youth living at my grandparents' country ranch (sort of). Those were great times. I remember vividly the forests, meadows, mountains, haymaking with my grandpa, gathering mushrooms, feeding the livestock. I loved that but I never met anyone my age there and then and I presume that may have caused (or at least added to) my lack of social skills.
When I was to attend school, we moved to a middle-sized (for local standarts - about 100,000 inhabitants) city and into an apartment. I guess I was shy by then because I failed to make many friends. Fortunately, I've never been bulied and when I came to the secondary school I miraculously made two or three friends (though I wonder every passing minute why the would ever like me). At this point I was already giving up fighting to take part in social activities. I dreaded pretty much everything my peers did out of school and took to studying first history then physics/computers full-time. I didn't miss not being like others then. I thought I didn't need alcohol, drooling over girls, debating the stupid football move player X did on match Y... Now I know that was nothing but ingenious mind conditioning. I thought I could live my life studying recent quasar research, examining the performance of ATI vertex shaders, hunting down virtual orcs through Azeroth, indulging in food, drink (non-alcoholic, mind you) and lone evening walks. Living not lonely but FREE, without bonds, without cares. Lies. You know, a lie repeated a hundred time ... no, still a lie.
Wow, a pretty long post (and pretty dull at that). What have I meant to say? I just want to laugh, not smile idioticly, dance through the night, shout and do all the crazy things that are second nature for the others. And I don't want to wake up lonely for the rest of my life.
Wanting's not enough. I know. There's plenty of good advice on this board but I couldn't put it to equally good use (or persist in it). I must now though - lest my pitiful existece, I do flatteringly call life, be utterly empty.
I hope I will have soon something to add as to my progress. But more probabely I will stay in the familiar rhythm and this thread will remain gaping void.
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Ghost
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Post by Ghost on Mar 7, 2004 19:49:05 GMT -5
WARNING. Don't waste your precious time reading this. Dear Jarous...people who surf the internet for their pleasure are doing it because they like the way they waste their time to it You are camera shy? Well, try to think of it this way: there are worse things then being camera shy and not coming across as cheerful. You can honest say you were having a bad day if someone would ask. Define what you perceive as life What do you think you will have to do to "have a life"? You know..the fact is, that we all here are searching for something to grasp on and to make all things sudden better and makes us self all shiny and bright, like all those other people, while all it takes is self respect, self esteem, a laid back and postive attitude, the ability to withstand harder times in life, some courage and loving Thou self. A whole list. Easier said then done. But the point is, if we would be satisfied with who we are and see things positive and not everything as a obstacle course that we think will probably fail in, without even trying or shrugging off the failure, we would feel content again, lust for life and not brood about things that would come natural to others. Ghost goes poet It is something hard to do, but we need to start looking at things in a positive light. Make of things that are negative something positive. It won't be easy and in some situations we will fall back, but practise will learn and just small things will help to take out the harder bits at long term. Live life day by day. Forget about the past (the things you want to forget) and start with a clean sheet. Just a theory of Ghost. Of course, I will have to do that as well and I am trying. Gosh, she is sure Little Miss Subtle-Empath, isn't she(!) Sorry, but she should know that no one likes to be called like that. Not really. Only shallow guys are like all of that. Some guys do none of that even. No, people can be happy living alone. But "our kind" has more difficulties with that concept. I used to worship my lone time. But ever since my little "meltdown" I became unsure of a lot of things. Including how well I would cope being alone forever, or living with a partner forever. Still, lone time doesn't repulse me at all. It's the feeling unloved and unaccomplished part that is the one that bugs me at times. No. Not dull. How can someone's views be dull? How can someone's memories, thoughts and puzzling be uninteresting? Not to me, anyway. People are interesting. I just prefer them from a distance ;D I am thankful that I have a introvert nature and don't mind lonesome time (unless it is a sort of isolation), but still am upbeat enough to be cheerful most of the time and to act alike if I want to and am with the "right" people. That's when discipline kicks in. I admit, I am a sucker at that. If there is anyway to avoid confrontations or "scary stuff" I am the first to sneak. Still, sitting idle won't help. I will get up every day and start all over again with my attemps to make my life better. Sometimes I fail, sometimes I succeed. But I will not just give up upon me. I will try and try and try..and do I make sense? Break through it! Com'on! Just try it..I do and I won't give up. It never hurts to try, even if it is just simple and little things, to change your attitude and mindset. Ermm..I do kinda sound fanatic..ain't I? (Ps, sorry for the rant. Was feeling a little down myself, so it helped to get myself perked up again (Edit because of a misquote)
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Post by CaryGrant on Mar 8, 2004 10:27:27 GMT -5
HI Jarous,
We've all been - or are - there; you're not alone. I've told myself the same lies, that I just didn't care about all that common nonsense, that I was somehow above it. Now I realise that there is a difference between being interested only in sports/TV shows/etc. and being somewhat well-rounded and human.
Small steps will get you where you want to go...and remember to feel good about each and every forward step, even if the progress seems minimal. Even trying counts.
All the best...
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Post by Jarous on Mar 8, 2004 12:22:11 GMT -5
Thank you Cary. I know it's the journey that ultimately matters, not the end we try to achieve. No time spent on our improvement will ever be wasted ... and it's certainly no one-time chage but a life-long transformation. Trying not only counts, it's the most important thing about life - in the end success is nothing compared to the process of achiving it. The thing is I sometimes feel overwhelmed by the frustration of continuous failure. But don't worry I don't plan on giving up (at least not anytime soon). And you Ghost. Thanks too. You always seem to know what to say to make someone feel immediately so much better. Your posts are worth reading. You are absolutely a great asset to this board. Dear Jarous...people who surf the internet for their pleasure are doing it because they like the way they waste their time to it So much true. Better not to think about the possibilities of putting our time to more productive use. Not really. It's only that I can see clearly how appaling my social skills are on the videos. Define what you perceive as life What do you think you will have to do to "have a life"? Basically, the ability to spend the time alloted to you the way you desire. To pursue your own wants without 'internal' (and probably external too) hindrances. And above all else, to be proud of who you are and content with what you have. You know..the fact is, that we all here are searching for something to grasp on and to make all things sudden better and makes us self all shiny and bright, like all those other people, while all it takes is self respect, self esteem, a laid back and postive attitude, the ability to withstand harder times in life, some courage and loving Thou self. A whole list. Yeah, unfortunately none of the above mentioned will happen out of a sudden. Your list is a peculiar one. I find it that to have those you need to LIVE and to do that you need ... guess what - we are moving in a nice vicious cycle. Gosh, she is sure Little Miss Subtle-Empath, isn't she(!) Sorry, but she should know that no one likes to be called like that. Oh, she had already tasted a bit of alcohol that night. It surely does make people speak the truth. No, people can be happy living alone. But "our kind" has more difficulties with that concept. I used to worship my lone time. But ever since my little "meltdown" I became unsure of a lot of things. Including how well I would cope being alone forever, or living with a partner forever. Still, lone time doesn't repulse me at all. It's the feeling unloved and unaccomplished part that is the one that bugs me at times. That sounds pretty much like me. Won't you elaborate a little on your 'meltdown'? You seem to understand what caused your change of attitude, I am not that lucky. Perhps your experience can shed some light on my own situation? No. Not dull. How can someone's views be dull? How can someone's memories, thoughts and puzzling be uninteresting? Not to me, anyway. People are interesting. I just prefer them from a distance ;D I have to agree. Understanding others can tell a wealth of information on ourselves. I enjoy listening to the lifestories of others. But however I try I can't imagine anyone'd interested in mine. That's when discipline kicks in. All of my life I thought myself disciplined. Under impression of recent events (my inability to study more vigorously, failure to eat moderately and exercise EVERY day) I don't believe so anymore. Do you think discipline can be learnt, or regained?
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Ghost
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Post by Ghost on Mar 9, 2004 7:27:38 GMT -5
But don't worry I don't plan on giving up (at least not anytime soon). Listen up lad: don't permit yourself to give up. That is when life becomes agony. Hope is important. Live everyday as a new day, like the previous day or your past never happened. That will get the most out of a day, to start with a clean sheet whenever you want . Thanks. I have my good moments ;D *takes bows to the audience that at the moment is not even online* It depends on what you personal see as productive. I think being online has a productive use as well. From the internet I have retrieved much info (at the library I would only be able to get dirty old books about the subject), insight and contacts. Forums help to reflect your thoughts and to get replies, encouragment and help as well. I think that it is all about what you want to achieve offline and online and how much time you want to spend in it. If you want to be a master at the piano, you obvious have to drop a whole lot of less urging business: cut down close social contacts, practise hours each day, internet like 15 minutes at most and so on. Ah, who cares It's nothing new and others are usual not even observant enough to notice that you feel uncomfortable *Note how I start acting like a energizer bunny again.. * Hmm. To become what you want is all up to yourself. Even how you feel. But to persue the things you want to do is the easiest of them all. At first I want to get rid of the inner turmoil above all else. Feeling content and in harmony. Sometimes I do, but I want to get rid of the lapses. Well, I am a peculiar one, it explains itself It is not really needed to "live" in a active way that you sudden have to go do all kinds of things. It will help if you do other things, but it is not that necessary: It's a mental mindset. Every time again make choices. Choose to see something from the bright side, positive lesson, the humor (if it is present), instead of the gloom side. Stop yourself from thinking negative things about yourself or other things. Remember all that you do have and others don't...the positive things..that even help to cheer up at times. It doesn't make things all better again, but it will help. It will make a difference. It will create a more laid back attitude and less stressed up about things, because you can see the good in it and start to care less about others (because that is the negative attitude - to take everything very personal). Instead of seeing the dark cloud, you will see the silver lining, so to speak . Ha ha! Take it from me: alcohol does not work as truth speaker and lie detector. Like there was that person who came in (and I rarely see not too mentaion spek too), was immediate drinking and started to chat to me. Because of the noise I could not hear that person well, but I listened anyway. Everyone needs to feel heard. Afterwards I heard via via that that person thought I was so smart and good looking. Whetever that is true or not, that person purely said that because at that moment I was nice and did something that person appreciated. The girl you wrote about just said that because at that moment you did not act like she would want to see everyone act. Next to that, as far as I can tell, she doesn't know you well. Not well enough to decide by the influence of alcohol that because you don't join the rest that you must be a nerd. My point is: it was not a objective decision because A. She doesn't really know you, B. She said that because she couldn't understand why you didn't join them and it irritated her. Oh..I am not sure about if I can be of help. If something is a problem, I start to analyze it and to come up with solutions (preferable easy ones) to get rid of the burden. The same way with my somewhat unstable condition at times. I start nitpicking what made me feel this way and why..next, what to do about it? The opposite? Etc... I have always been a oddball. And proud on it ;D But the fact that people often just don't seem to be able to handle someone who is not that like the usual person, has been a bother. My "system carsh" was the result that I was already tense for a while (I think it was about the frustration that no one would accept me how I was) and someone critized something I was sure of I did quite well and I broke down. I took it way too hard. It was one of the only things I had faith in that I was good at. It was something I put a great deal of life bets on crumbled apart. It was like the a part of the ground was hit away underneath me and I had barely anything left to stand on. It got me brooding and when I get brooding it is a ba-a-a-ad sign. I started to analyze myself in a bottomless pit. To write it more plain: I wondered that if the things I wanted to do in the future would fail, what would I have left to live for? I had no one and I had nothing left in that case.. Everything started to seem pointless and I only could see the uselessness of every action. I don't think this will help you (I do hope I didn't made you feel depressed or something instead). But I have learned to stop planning ahead too much. Stop trying to control the future, because the future is something unknown, something that is not known to me. Also I have learned that I have to live like every day, every minute is a new one, without thinking of what others said or had done in the past. It takes some working to change.
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Ghost
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Post by Ghost on Mar 9, 2004 7:29:36 GMT -5
And this is part two...I was so into myself ranting along that I wrote waaay too much to fit in one post I have a similar thing. People are frequent not very interested in me (I know, because I tested it out). When I joke around I have their attention, but the more serious things, or just small things I observed doesn't hold their interest at all. Next to that, I am a private kind of person. As long as I hold distant I won't get hurt. And I usual loose contact, so what's the use of opening up or trying to bond when I will never speak to them again? Those are the main thoughts why I keep personal info secret. Also, if I start talking how I feel (if I open up, I usual do not a half job) I am afraid that when I talk about negative feelings, that I talk it upon others. And I don't want to make other feel down or concerned. Btw, do you want some self analyzation? Try the Myers-Briggs personality test. I di mine a bit agao. It was scary how accurate it was. A few minor things were not that exact, but further more it was quite right.. (I know several links with addaptions of that test and one very good link with several pages of info about your personality type in different life aspects). Sounds similar... I don't like to eat. It interupts my activities. Same with exercise. I never really believed I had much discipline.. In fact, I never understood that concept. Very early on, when I was like 8, I already started to avoid things (like anything with numbers at school..) and seek for holes. I think I did enjoyed it. The idea is exciting, to do something sneaky, when no one expects it from me, the quiet kind child. Amusing in a way and a thrill. At highschool I started off with good grades. But again, I started to see holes in the schooling network and made use of it. I still like to play the "sneaky shrewd one", because no one expects me to do that. However, it has not often be a positive thing, because I use the sneak attitude to twist myself out of difficult situations that I should sometimes just confront and solve, instead going for the emergency exit. Yes, I believe discipline can be learned. Starting with small steps.. Like making a deal with yourself to do something at a certain time. As example: do in the evening some extra homework. It doesn't matter how much, or when in the evening, as long as you do it in the evening every day (you can allow yourself at some point a certain day off, after all, you don't have always time. Just don't make it a habit to do it whenever you please). When you are used to that, you can build it up from there. Like pick a exact time in the evening, or a certain amount of homework, when you are used to the evening routine..and so on. As long as someone does not take on chunks of work out of impatientness. That will not help at all. It is a matter to build up a routine and the will to keep it up. Going for the "heavy work" immediate is bound to make you fail.
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Post by Jarous on Mar 9, 2004 15:30:32 GMT -5
Good advice, Ghost. But is that truely desirable? Can you just disregard all your past and act as if none of that ever happened? Won't you be giving up a lot of what you are - and I know there's a lot of ourselves we like. Enough complaining. I got your point. Starting each and every day with clean slate is one of my short-term goals.
I agree. Internet is the greatest library man has ever built. All opened for your free perusal. All the knowledge of mankind at your fingertips. There ARE productive ways to spend your online time - but I doubt you always do that. I personally can see a lot of wasted time looking back on my online time. I think it'll be equally wasted offline though.
Right. As it should be. No one will do it for me, I fear. Also I will never consciously strive to become what others want me to. What troubles me is that I do exactly that subconsciously. Always doing things to fit in the society, blend in the background, conform. I dress or do my hair in a unique way, all right. But in many ways I blindly follow where others lead and then secretly hate where I find myself.
A and B are both correct. The thing is: A/ no one knows me. I can't honestly say I do myself. Moreover, communication fails on my side, how can I blame her? B/ I can't understand it either. She may have felt rejected, I can't say.
It's so common among the shy. We think, analyse and then think some more. It can truely drive one crazy. I don't think our situations are the same though. Of course you are better off - you think (thought) about the future, can plan, organise, prepare ... I do about the past!!! The one truely unchangeable thing but I can't stop ... well, if I do stop I waste time daydreaming which is even worse. On the other hand. I could (and usually would) get sick about the way things were and are. In your case, you lost hope about the things to come. Sounds like a pretty hope-killer. To stop planning seems wise. Ultimately, it's only the present moment that matters and it's the only thing we should care about.
You're wrong Ghost (always happy to catch people at that). I think I'll speak for all the members (and the lurkers, don't you doubt) when I say we are all interested in what you have to say, who you are, what troubles or pleases you ... you get the picture.
I won't bet my life on that. But anyway you won't get pleased, carrased, delighted ... either. I know. We try, get hurt, never try again. Not good at all. Not only do we miss out something - we are probably witholding much from the others.
In distress you can tell a friend (or something like that). Seek out people who would comfort you when you need. I bet you do that much for them, you deserve no less.
I do so love tests. I wonder why? Probably the futile desire to understand myself, find out who I am? I so much want to be able to say: 'See! This type of person, that's me!' Most of them cannot realistically describe me though. But the mistake is likely on my side. Perhaps I will try it someday. I can't resist the temtation. Tests... Ever will they surprise me.
Civilisation needs such people. If you seek for holes in the system you unwitingly help to find and patch them. Also, don't think what you do is dishonorable. You challenge the sytem and defeat it in terms of creativity. You merit the success.
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Post by Jarous on Mar 9, 2004 16:02:42 GMT -5
Apparently, there is a post-length limit. Lovely. Seems to be pretty low, though. Part 2 then:
I had been trying to persuade myself I'll start studying for my final exams tomorrow for three months before finally getting down to it. Small deals a long time beforehand? That's when sloth and convenience take over. Until the deal is urgent and I mean URGENT, I can't concentrate. Your plan seems workable though. I'll start right ... tomorrow :-).
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Ghost
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Post by Ghost on Mar 9, 2004 18:07:33 GMT -5
Good advice, Ghost. But is that truely desirable? Can you just disregard all your past and act as if none of that ever happened? Won't you be giving up a lot of what you are - and I know there's a lot of ourselves we like. Enough complaining. I got your point. Starting each and every day with clean slate is one of my short-term goals. I admit, you can't shed your complete past of you. The past makes you to the person you are today. But it's the things that with hold you, have become obstacles..but as you wrote, you got my point True, you don't always spend your time online oh so useful. I remember that I played a online game for some time who kept track of how many hours I was playing... Now, compared to others I was a apprentice. But it wasn't pretty to see my hours online And true again, there is wasted time offline too. But wasting time is insurperable. You shouldn't hate yourself. In some things we have limited choice. Like if you are in the business, you have to walk around in a suit, to look neat. Also, it is quite a natural instinct to try to fit in or be part of the group. In a way "our kind of people" either try to set themselves even more apart and/or try to get acknowledgement from others. You and many others just want to belong. I have no problem with however someone looks...but they shouldn't make a problem of what others are wearing either. Well, I am quite hard on her don't I. And I believe you had/have a soft spot for her, so you are going easier on her. Still, it just rubs me in the wrong way when people decide to label me or someone else who acts unusual with a negative name. The past..Well, I have made a habit of forgetting the nasty stuff. I just decide to never think of it again and after like 2 years consitent not thinking I did forget. It is taking the importance of it away. Also, I am in a different stage of life, I have left the time era known as past behind me (except the more recent past and that broke me up). So yes, I am better off . It helps that I am usual a cheerful person too. Don't we all daydream I have had severe cases of daydreaming ;D. That was another thing that contributed to my 'meltdown': that I lost my daydreams and had to afce the here now and the blunt reality. I haven't completely stopped planning the future. It's just that I try to keep it simple. Not whole roadmaps full of details, so to speak. The last two days I felt a little awkward again about things, but I will get better. I am wrong and you are happy about that?..cheeky! Thanks for the support. It's silly isn't it..online you get more heard then offline, it seems.. Probably because online you can keep it short and powerful and you are anonymous in every way Yes, we cowardly hide in our little corners, do we... Life exists out of mistakes and success'. I don't think I trust any living soul completely. Hmm. Withdraw that. Now I think of it, I believe that I know a few that would help me and keep still if I ask them to. You know, I am quite fortunate I can say it is a genetic thing, because my father is one who keeps quiet until it leaks out or there is no other way too. *Tries to look innocent as if the words don't ring a bell..* Oh what the heck. *Stands up* "Hi I am Ghost and I was a quiz addict." *crowd greets "Hi Ghost!"* But this test is proffesional (as far as I know). It is about the personality types you mostly inhabit and what the end result is as personality. I never thought of it like that..thanks Is a cheer up, even though I have picked as many sweet fruits as bitter fruit by my methods Tsk! Well, at least you make a beginning. That's a start Ps...isn't this supposed to be a "all about Jarous" topic?
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Post by mere phantom on Mar 9, 2004 21:14:03 GMT -5
be true to thyself
sure you might have not liked all the pop culture mainstream shit, who cares, there are people out their that dont like those things also, only trick is to find them
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Post by Jarous on Mar 10, 2004 13:42:14 GMT -5
I remember that I played a online game for some time who kept track of how many hours I was playing... Keeping track of things you do is not advisable (at least not by me). You always end up with a lot that ought to be improved and if you lack the followthrough to do that - you end up discontented. But wasting time is insurperable. Humbled by my vocabulary once again? Can you, please, explain? Also, it is quite a natural instinct to try to fit in or be part of the group. Right, but it shouldn't be only the group that's shaping you, you should shape the group by your unique traits and habits to your liking. It's how progress is made. Sadly, the technique is (and likely ever will be) a mystery to me. Well, I am quite hard on her don't I. And I believe you had/have a soft spot for her, I guess I still do. That's one of the things you cannot control. In that case you are probably way more objective in this respect, although you lack all the details. Don't we all daydream I won't be able to tell you mine, but is there a brave soul around that will divulge their day-dreams to us? I am wrong and you are happy about that?..cheeky! It's sounds sadistic, doesn't it. I can't help it though. The only solace I can find is that I do not draw happiness from your being wrong but from myself catching you. Does it make sense? Oh, probably I am really cheeky, mischievous etc. It's silly isn't it..online you get more heard then offline, it seems.. Yes, plus you talk about quite personal stuff to complete strangers (at which point they're not strangers anymore, that's it). Scary! But do you know the Zen story about a man dreaming he's a butterfly? When he wakes up, is he a man who just dreamt or a butterfly who is just having a nightmare about being a man? Could it be we are more ourselves online and thus listen and talk more? Still, this is one of the big ironies of life. I know many 'normal' people would swear internet or just any kind of non-verbal face-to-face communication is severly limiting. They couldn't be more wrong. And Ghost - speaking about being anonymous, may I remind you some of those online are more so :-) not that I mind, there's an air of mystery about ghosts in any case. But this test is proffesional (as far as I know). It is about the personality types you mostly inhabit and what the end result is as personality. I know of so many would-be professional endeavors that fail so miserably short of their goals that I will remain sceptical. Do you mean they care more for the results than the fun of the quiz? Yeah, even a journey of hundred miles begins by taking the initial step. You know, today was yesterday's tomorrow and I DID start. I made a school work I was not supposed to accomplish for some time. Let's hope I can keep that in the coming days. Ps...isn't this supposed to be a "all about Jarous" topic? And so it is. You merely help me along. *looking sheepishly around if the ruse did work* All right, I've talked about my past (albeit, not in any great detail), I guess I can add a bit about my present but that'll be in another post... (but don't you like the way threads, or discussions in any form, turn into something upredictable? That's the whole fun of it) **to be continued**
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Post by Jarous on Mar 10, 2004 13:45:15 GMT -5
PART B
Where to begin?
Outwardly, I seem to be as every other boy of 19 years. Average height, average weight, jeans and T-shirt, you know what I mean. I am currently finishing my studies at a rather famous local secondary school. It's a school for the 'more gifted' pupils and I usually end among the best in my class. I guess that's because if I have a life-purpose it will be to understand the world around me. I am more curious than normal and always want to know how, why, since when etc. things work the way they do. So I invest not negligible ammount of my leisure time into ... surprise, study. I am most interested in human history, physics, computer science and technology in general, philosophy, religion (although quite rudimentary), linguistics, medicine and chemistry - though I cannot call myself even a layman of this science. It's nothing short of wonderful when you can grasp some new concept or idea and understand the under-the-hood workings of new gadget, natural law or masterful philosophical theory. What's more, every answer glimpsed creates more questions and the intellectual challenge continues... That's why I excel in many school subjects (despite the fact that I never participate and mess oral tests; I somehow can make up for that in written form), I simply can't live without learning something. I have found that many of my class-mates think me to be some future genius, Nobel-price winner, successful tycoon bathing in money etc. More than one of them envies me. That's probably the greatest irony of my existence (you guessed so much, I adore ironies). Because I would give everything to be like the lowliest trench digger. How much happier he is?
When I don't study or read non-fiction, I read fantasy novels and sometimes a bit of sci-fi. I love above all else Tolkien's Middle-earth. I can proudly call myself Tolkienologist. I know a lot about the author, the history of his creation and all the internal stuff (story-line, geography, history, mythology, demographics, linguistics...), heck, I even learned the basics of Quenya - the High Elven tongue. Middle-earth is a great escapism for me. When I am feeling low, I send my mind twirling to Beleriand, singin waters of Sirion and virgin forests of Neldoreth... TSR's Forgotten Realms are also good. In certain ways they are M-e mature, yet there's something missing. They are too over-done, more unrealistic (but all right, I don't read fantasy for its realism), with less creative nomenclature for example etc. A plus is, there are literally hundreds of books about the world and still new ones being published every year. That can't be said about M-e. As for the sci-fi, I loved Frank Herbert's Dune series. Though I never made it beyond the original trilogy. Perhaps I should return to it.
Aside of books, I like music. I love to have some soundtrack or whatever unobtrusive playing in the background when I read. But I also listen to music without any distractions, just feeling the rythm and lyrics. I can't say I have favorites though surely I dislike some: I can't stand rap, dance music, techno and hard-core heavy metal (but I am a 'live and let live' kind of person. If you like it, it's just fine for me). If I had to choose some artists I especially like - that would be Madonna, Nightwish, Enya, Roxette, Celine Dion and Kylie Minoque. As for the movies I don't really need them. I don't go to the cinema nor watch TV. I think movies are books stripped of the imagination factor and very passive - inferior to both games and books. In last 3 years or so I saw only Shrek, Matrix Reloaded and The Lord of the Rings. Shrek was good but not exceptional, Matrix sucked - time wasted, end of story, TLOTR left me with mixed feelings. I am a Tolkien fanatic and dislike certain changes to the story (like Haldir's death), though overall the enviroment, casting, storyline, music, cgi effects were excellent. TROTK was the most superficial movie I've seen in a long time and is a big stain on the trilogy. I also used to play computer games - strategy for the challenge of beating 8 computer players at the hardest difficulty and role-playing games for the atmosphere, story and charecter developement. In a way, I see RPGs as the future of fiction books. I don't know why, PC games can't fill me these days and as a matter of fact I haven't played one in a month or so - something I wouldn't be able to imagine a year ago.
Outdoors-wise, I like jogging. I usually do so early in the morning or late in the evening. Not only for practical reasons (less people around, nothing to do at home when my family sleep...) but also to witness dusk or dawn. I feel great and strangely not alone when in nature and jogging (mostly through local pond district) makes me somehow connected to it. I can also think more clearly (always thinking, it's like a plague) or listen to music when out. The greatest moments are when you are left gasping for breath after a long run with wind in your hair and walk on a pond-shore watching the sun tip its surface... Bicycling is also fine as well as mountain touristique. Even writing about it makes me long about the splendid look-out and natural beauty of the Carpathians.
That's enough for now. Perhaps I will add more later.
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Post by spitzig on Mar 11, 2004 0:13:25 GMT -5
As for the sci-fi, I loved Frank Herbert's Dune series. Though I never made it beyond the original trilogy. Perhaps I should return to it. I've read most of Herbert's stuff. The later books in the Dune series get into later time periods. The fourth might be my favorite. I'd say it is not enough about plot, though. More about world building and Leto II. I'd also strongly suggest Dosadi Experiment and the Pandora series. You might skip the first, Destination: Void, but the later ones, Jesus Incident, Lazarus Effect, and Ascension Factor were awesome. Each was a very different world, even though they all happened on the same planet(and Destination: Void was on a ship). That's my taste in games, too. I'm not as good at strategy games, though. I'd disagree about RPGs being the future of fiction books. They used to say the same about movies. Books encourage imagination more. Also, there are a lot of ideas you can't do well with pictures. I'd say mysticism is one. In an RPG, you can stuff that kind of stuff into a book for a character to read(Morrowind...), but personally I don't like extensive reading in those circumstances. Also, games are interactive. Sometimes, you just want to be passive. I tend to think plot development works better with books. That might be because you often get tired of reading dialogue and such in an RPG and can usually skip over it. One "becomes" a character better in an RPG, though. People talk about having friends in books, but to me they were only stories, not "real" in that way.
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Post by Jarous on Mar 11, 2004 1:06:45 GMT -5
The fourth might be my favorite. I'd say it is not enough about plot, though. More about world building and Leto II. I never liked what happend to young Leo. Some may not mind - but I want characters I can relate to to be human and mortal not some demigod man-spice worm cross. But all the politics and world building stuff were great, so I might as well try this one. I'd also strongly suggest Dosadi Experiment and the Pandora series. I've heard a lot of praise on Dosadi Experiment and the book is currently on my to-read list. That's my taste in games, too. I'm not as good at strategy games, though. Mastery comes with practice - as in everything. Most people play for fun not to beat every adversary at any difficulty. That's what I dislike on progaming - the players TRAIN a single game several hours a day, studying possible scenarios and watching opponent tactics. By this time, a large part of the fun factor is lost. You don't have to be great to play Age of Empires in single player though. Take it in your pace on your prefered difficulty and most important - enjoy the match. I'd disagree about RPGs being the future of fiction books. They used to say the same about movies. I must concur. Even RPGs take away the imagination you employ when reading fiction. Though they provide freedom of action and dynamic storyline. Also you shape the characters not only passively follow where the author leads. In an RPG, you can stuff that kind of stuff into a book for a character to read(Morrowind...), but personally I don't like extensive reading in those circumstances. Well, I do. When I had the choice, I would always boost my intelligence, wisdom and charisma to get the most out of dialogues and don't care about combat related statistics (true, fighting was a challenge, sometime nightmare, but the deeper plot was worth it). I'd also spent time in Forgotten Realms libraries and read every book there. Just personal preference. You may safely skip all that. People talk about having friends in books, but to me they were only stories, not "real" in that way. That never happened to me. None of the novel characters ever became my friends. I was sad when say Duncan Idaho died (his second death), when Fingolfin was crushed by the Dark Lord or when Drizzt Do'Urden fell by Entreri's blade ... but I never felt a sense of loss. I may say I develop tighter bonds with game characters - but even their deaths are nothing personal.
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Ghost
Full Member
Posts: 220
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Post by Ghost on Mar 12, 2004 5:44:57 GMT -5
I have found that many of my class-mates think me to be some future genius, Nobel-price winner, successful tycoon bathing in money etc. Typical isn't it.. Not that I am a very smart person or have a great memory (don't get me talking about my regular "memory failure"...that sounds like I spend too much time behind the computer ;D), but everyone always thought that someone as me would become something big. Just because I liked to behave and didn't go "astray" frequent (I have a inbuilt guilt trigger, which enables when I know I do something I shouldn't). They just presumed that because I am a goodie two shoe's that I never do anything wrong and studied hard. I still get people who say "You are studying to be some kind of psychologist, right? Or a doctor?". Hmm. Some "trench diggers" are happy. Others would love to switch places with you anytime. I never read sci-fi. I once gave Julian May and that Orson author a try with "Diamond Mask", but it was too heavy at that age for me and I didn't understood much of it (I admit, I read it total out of order). Ever since, I just stick to fantasy books or other fiction or rare non-fiction. I get your point that with fantasy you can expect fantasy not realistic stuff, but even fantasy must have a guideline in my opinion. It has to come over real to me. The characters must be like real people, the situations and more, have to come over, let's say "genuine". I want to have the idea when I read that it is a actual world within the book, not decor that is put up and some b-actors. If there is a talking carrot, then it should be written like the talking carrot comes over like it's real, fits in the book and doesn't make you think "Right...what's next? Talking toe's?". *wonders if Ghost made it a little clear* I believe I can stand any kind of music, as long as I can find a melody in it that sounds ok. But your choice of pariah music isn't too bad. I kinda agree with it. Everything with a female in it *GASPS...!*..... Nah, just kiddin'. I do watch tv, but not very often with my full attention. Movies..hmm. Usual a film doesn't seem very appealing to watch to me. About books, films and games. I don't think either of them can match up with a good book..(yes, very nerdy of me : . Films have a time frame to tell a story in and it's hard to tell a good story of several days or more in approx. 2 hours. Games..when I have played it I am pretty much done with it and it looses my interest. Books are easy things to take along, always a quality way to spend time. Books also can imply things that games or films can't. Like the pov. In a book you can read several pov's, to name one. Also books stimulate your own imagination (as spitzig noted). I am kind of fond at books, even if it is just to have them around and not reading them. I certainly hope not! The author GRR Martin is in the film and producing business. Now he wants to bring out from his books playcard and has a comic set in his created world. Comics never interested me much. The stories may be good, but I find it sometimes hard to read of the pictures what a characters expression is.. In a book it would be described, or you would know the person thoughts, but in a comic it isn't that clear. I think the difference between Martin and other succesful authors with franchise is, that he is establishing his own, whilst Harry Potter was such a rage that they went to the author instead to get premission to do what they want too. In my case it was just that after a while it got old. I lost my interest if things took to long to reach some point in a game. He he ;D When I finally have sorted things out and am done with thinking, I have to supress myself of not taking another angle towards the situation, seek for holes or points at which I could fail on. [quote[The greatest moments are when you are left gasping for breath after a long run with wind in your hair and walk on a pond-shore watching the sun tip its surface...[/quote] This is sounding like the begin of a heroic film/book scenario.. People talk about having friends in books, but to me they were only stories, not "real" in that way. Hmm. I wouldn't consider characters in books "friends". I do get a certain amount of attachment to them, if they're really good chars, but it isn't like I start looking for friends who have the same trait as the hero in my favorite book That has probably also to do with that I sometimes like the baddies quite a lot (who doesn't like the evil dudes! ). I can like someone, but still not imagine them as a friend.
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