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Post by Jarous on May 2, 2004 3:58:29 GMT -5
Failure after all. The fear was stronger than me ... now I am trying to persuade myself there's no point in telling everyone - only those I care about. This is beginning to sound familiar On the other hand, the teacher I told continues to prove a great help to me - coincidentaly, her niece runs an SAD support group in Prague - I'm now well supplied with useful leaflets I wonder what she's been thinking all the years - she is quite knowledgeable yet was surprised by the revelation. Friday was my last day at school - we made a sort of 'party' for the entire school in the gym - remembering the eight years, the funny moments, parodying teachers etc. This reminded me of how pleasant it was here. Miraculously, I made friends and have had pretty good time. Now I am leaving this all behind - I'll never see most of them again Can I repeat the 'miracle' at university?
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Post by CaryGrant on May 4, 2004 12:51:33 GMT -5
You know, I tried telling some people I was shy, but have largely stopped doing so, for two reasons. First, I'm not nearly as shy as I was, so people don't believe me. I don't even believe myself anymore. Though I am still shy with women I find attractive, I do not find it helps me or them to announce that I'm shy.
Secondly, like you, I began to question my motives for telling people. I think I was looking for acceptance, maybe even for pity. What are your reasons?
It does sound like you've taken a very positive attitude toward your experiences at school, and I'm sure you'll find university to be easier in some ways. Best wishes to you.
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Post by Jarous on May 4, 2004 18:08:37 GMT -5
Understanding, acceptance of things as they are (but that would also mean resignation to change them ) and - in a way - forgiveness with explanations of why I acted the way I did (I fear a lot of people misinterpret my actions and reasons...)
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Post by CaryGrant on May 5, 2004 10:35:48 GMT -5
Hmm...I used to look back and hope that people didn't think too badly of me for all the incredibly stupid and mean things I had done - not out of spite, but because of insecurities. I suppose I still hope that the people in my past can forgive me for my errors, but I guess I've finally come to accept that I was an ass at times - and may be so again! - and just do my best to accept others when they are mean, stupid, careless, etc.
If someone has matured and is secure, s/he will realise I had "issues" and not hold it against me. If that someone has "issues" of his or her own, s/he may not be able to forgive and forget. Either way, not much I can do about. I did spend many years not doing much of anything in an attempt to avoid making mistakes that might upset other people.
So if you can, just let it go - forgive yourself. You're human, we all do things we wouldn't do if we were wiser, but we all do the best we can given who we are at the time.
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Post by Jarous on May 5, 2004 12:53:15 GMT -5
but we all do the best we can given who we are at the time. I do not think so. With such an attitude, everyone could claim he does the best he can. Won't you agree there are always ways to improve any given thing? It's alibism to say that "I have some issues now, so I couldn't have done better." The right thing to do is to try to remove the problems - it's just damn difficult.
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Post by CaryGrant on May 6, 2004 10:19:27 GMT -5
Hi J - I agree it's not good to make excuses for not improving who we are. What I meant was that it's important to forgive ourselves for who we were in the past - it's very destructive to look back at yourself as a loser because you weren't someone different.
In the present, there's a balance to be struck between pushing yourself to be better and beating yourself up for being who you are right now.
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Post by Jarous on May 11, 2004 22:55:58 GMT -5
I am going for the final exams in a couple of hours. The idea of 150 minutes of testing - half of it oral - scares me more than anything up to this day. Moreover, I'll have to sit at one table with four teachers - and that's thousand times more difficult for me than talking while standing and walking round the class. How much I wish I could fast forward to the evening and be over with all this stuff...
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Post by Jarous on May 15, 2004 1:12:00 GMT -5
I feel so down ... not that the exams would end bad, quite the contrary - I finished as one of the best in class again. It is just that I feared them more than anything in my life and they went smoothly ... I dread to imagine that all those things I feared (but much less than this) and thus avoided would have been easy, enjoyable and fun. And the worst thing about this ... even with the knowledge I know that I'll just continue to avoid them as ever before ... talk about stupid
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