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Post by Hermit on Mar 21, 2004 17:25:08 GMT -5
please forgive the rambling, disjointed way i'm about to relate my story..
I feel afraid in almost any type of social situation.. things like grocery shopping, or a stop at the bank, or dealing with some business over the phone.. make me uneasy, and unable to function on anything more than a neutral level.. like ordering fast food.. get and go! be over with the situation as fast as possible. More intense situations like going to a restaraunt, the movies, or God forbid- a bar!.. is pretty much out of the question these days. It wasn't always as bad as this, i used to be able to force myself to go out with my friends.. sometimes i could handle it, but even on the best night it was all i could do to *appear* normal, what i was feeling inside was something else. Things have degenerated into something much worse lately.. I haven't talked my best friend in almost a year- he lives on the other side of the country now, but his folks live just down the road. I was best man at his wedding, one of hardest things i've ever had to do, and the only reason i did is because i love him like a brother. But a little over a year ago his older brother was killed by a hit and run driver, his family was understandably devastated.. and the family all gathered to comfort each other and carry out the funeral. I did my part and showed for the wake- heart pounding the whole time.. and tried to be there for my friend. I was terrified the entire time.. unable to feel for my friend or even my own sorrow at the loss. Any attempts at comforting him felt forced and fake. When i finally got home, and by myself i could only feel shame and disgust at myself for being so selfish. The saying "God hates cowards" was echoeing in my mind and to be truthful still does. As i said, i haven't spoke to him since that night.. i feel that i need to tell him all of this and try to explain why i've been so distant. I'm pretty much at rock bottom at this point, i haven't even talked to my folks in over a month. I'm wrapped up in a ball of fear, lonliness, and self-loathing.
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Post by spitzig on Mar 21, 2004 17:55:48 GMT -5
I don't know about the statement "God hates cowards", but a coward is not just defined by fear. It would be defined by running from the fear. You went to the funeral and all that--you did not run.
To put it in a different context, where their is definite risk of lives and such like war, the difference between stupidity and bravery is fear.
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Ghost
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Post by Ghost on Mar 22, 2004 7:06:22 GMT -5
You may ramble here about whatever you want. I give you the divine right as moderator Sometimes I don't know how to deal with things over the phone. But that is only if I don't have handled the situation before. Banks I feel uncomfortable, so does practical anything with money. But that has some history attached to it. Going to the movies or restaurant I always do together with someone. Thus no woriies for me because others take the lead. I don't do bars or clubs. Never was my thing. At least you can appear normal/neutral. That's good! Some people blush, stutter or other. So it's a good thing that you don't come over anxious, as some would. That would be more or less embarassing. You can still keep your composure: a postive thing Don't be hard on yourself about the funeral. I am not quite sure how to comfort people who are very ill or who lost a loved one either. I don't want to come over cliche/fake or say/do something stupid that is unappropriate or obvious logical and meaningless. I don't like to see the bodies either. To me it is not that person anymore, not a living being, just the remaining shell. So I feel not much of a connection with it and am rather apathic. But still, I don't like to see it, because I can't help seeing the morbid side in it of "go visiting a corpse cooled for several days and now open for display". I don't have problems with funerals when it comes to the whole ceremony. Ok. Listen (-read) up. Anxiety happends. This problem has played for a longer time and as spitizig wrote: you didn't ran away, you went, even though you feared it. God doesn't hate you (God is love, as far as I am concerned), He understands. Especially not about such a thing. And what people say, is something you don't always have to believe. That your friend lives at a distance, doesn't help your contact with him either. If you know his email, write down what you want to say end send it as email to him, if you don't dare to phone him. That is safe, because you can think about what you want to say and how. Here are a collection from Bible scriptures to show you that feeling fear or loneliness or anything like that is not something that is uncommon or reason to hate yourself: Psalm 55:5-6 5 Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me. 6 I said, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest- Psalm 25:15-17 15 My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare. 16 Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. 17 The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish. (This one may describe how you may be feeling) Psalm 38:16-18 16 For I said, " Do not let them gloat or exalt themselves over me when my foot slips." 17 For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me. 18 I confess my iniquity; I am troubled by my sin. Psalm 69:29 I am in pain and distress; may your salvation, O God, protect me. Psalm 94:19 When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. Psalm 139:23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Psalm 102:6-7 6 I am like a desert owl, like an owl among the ruins. 7 I lie awake; I have become like a bird alone on a roof. Btw, God forgives as well. So if you feel guilty of something, you just have to ask to forgive. Doesn't matter how many times, just don't let it choke you what people may think of say, because if God forgives you, who are they not too? (Yes, there are more upbeat verses in the Bible, but I thought I just show Hermit that God knows sorrow and doesn't blame him for anything. Done rant ;D)
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Post by Hermit on Mar 22, 2004 15:33:43 GMT -5
Thank you both for the kind words.
And i hope nobody took offence or felt any pain over what i said about God hating cowards.. it's the shame i've been feeling about myself. I don't extend that feeling to others who are suffering.. it's easy to forgive someone else's faults but very hard to forgive myself. It stems from the fact that i've been avoiding people, and this problem for most of my life, without trying to face it. This was acceptable (or at least tolerable) when i was a teenager.. i had what i thought of as a wall, which i hid my feelings behind in order to get through any fearful situations without losing control when i was faced with difficult social situations, waiting until i was alone to evaluate the situation. I've never really told anyone, not even my parents, what's really going on. They have of course, noticed my avoidance of social skills: the fact that i haven't been to my family's gatherings in over 10 years, or that all my free time was spent in my room. It was a rare thing for me to even watch tv in the same room as my family. I've started to crack a little, my mom knows i'm hurting pretty bad, but doesn't really know how deeply. That's probably the worst thing about this.. the nature of the problem keeps me deathly afraid of any attempt at getting help- the cure seems worse than the disease.. how am i going to talk to some psychiatrist, a stranger, when i can't even speak about this to my mother? Whenever i start to talk about it, my emotions get the best of me, and i can't go through with it. I can't deal with the humiliation, i'm feel low enough without that. I used to have at least one source of self-esteem.. i work for a company that sub-contracts for Verizon wireless. We build and service cellular communication towers. A friend of mine from school got me the job, which was a good thing because job interviews are among the most stressful of situations. I've been working for them for over 10 years now, we drive across the midwest from tower to tower, mostly installing new antennaes and cables, or replacing old or damaged stuff. I really found a niche among this crowd.. working hundreds of feet above the ground was infinitly less stressful than dealing with the people below, and by a very lucky turn of events, more than a few of my closest friends ended up working there as well, bringing down the fear factor another few notches. It is one of my only sources of pride that i am probably the best climber they have- nobody there is good on the tower. Things were going good until i foolishly accepted being "promoted" to crew leader- a kind of foreman, who is given a truck and a credit card, and having to be the man in charge. How stupid of me.. i dealt with it as best i could, my boss a very astute man, could see pretty soon on what my strengths and weaknesses were when it came to what jobs he sent me on.. for example leading a crew onto a rooftop job in downtown area, where people are everywhere, and the crew leader would have to deal with the building's manager, or the verizon people would be there to make sure things were being done the way they wanted-- i would rarely be sent on these jobs. I was almost always sent to jobs where i would be on my own- running new cables up a tower, or changing to a different style of antenna, or maintenancing weather damaged equipment. This went on for years.. living on the road and spending 90% of my offtime in a hotel room playing video games, while the other men all went out to dinner or to a bar. I rarely joined in- unless to get something to eat and quickly get back to the room. Until last year, i hurt my back and can't climb any more. I know my boss would let me run things from the ground, but i'm afraid of what that would mean.. dealing with people. I haven't been to work in almost a year now. I've been spending almost all my time in my house that i share with a good friend, who is also a co-worker. My last shred of pride is gone. People come to visit, and i often stay in my room while my roommate entertains the guests. I have too much time to dwell on this sh** now..
well, sorry for filling this post with this "poor me" B.S. but it did feel good to get it off my chest..
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Ghost
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Post by Ghost on Mar 23, 2004 7:07:14 GMT -5
Don't worry, I don't think anyone took offense of you whatsoever. I didn't anyway . Well, I've beaten myself up for faults and mistakes many times. Even about small things, like something I said. I couldn't believe how I could say that or be so stupid, while in fact I doubt that the next day those people whould even remember what I said. Of course, with some things it is a little different, but in general, anxious people keep rubbing themselves their mistakes in a sort of sadomasochististic way in, when people don'te even remember it, didn't knew it, forgot it until you brought it up, or never put any weight to it at all. Forgiving others is easy to me, because I kinda..ehm..forget most things *embarassed smile* It started of as a way to forget bad things: if I can't remember them it doesn't bug me and what I have forgotten I can forgive. Easy as that. But it kinda took over my whole mindset. There is one thing I am not sure of if I actually forgave that person. I really hope so and want to, but if I think of it it bugs me that that person and everyone else acts like there is has been done nothing wrong, while I feel that that person is part of why I don't trust people anymore and anxiety. Next to that, that person never acknowledged anything wrong donw and only once spoke of the term "Maybe I have been difficult". "Maybe"... *growls a bit and peers gloomy at screen * I've avoided confrontations almost all my life. People are part of confrontations, so I avoided them too. But not at severe as later in my life when I just lost faith in humankind. Ah, I had something similar to the wall. I didn't thought of it as a wall, but as a door. If I kept my door with emotions and other bottled up stuff close, everything would be a-ok. Opening it was out of the question. Being quite a cheerful person, I covered up (and still do, sometimes) anything that bothered me with that air of "joy". Not that it was all pain and misery, though. Tried to talk with my parents. To some extend they get it. At least my father does..I think. My mother not a very observant person and doesn't get me or takes whatever I tell her not serious enough. Leaves me only frustrated because I am powerless to make her understand that it may not be important to her, but it is to me and that it doesn't just "dissapear" by ignoring it and saying "straighten up". They haven't noticed my prefered solo going until I left school, I think. But they both knew for years I didn't liked family gatherings. I often threw a tantrum. Not that that would help, at the end I would have to go anyway. Perhaps that is what made me mad too: knowing I was going to loose the argument anyway. I lousy at family contacts, or keeping any close contact at all. My mother had complained at regular basis that I was always in my room and never came to sit with them. When I bought a small tv for at my room, I was practical always in my room. I had everything in my room I needed, except for a loo, shower, food and drink (well, I did had some food around and sometimes drinks..). I amused myself just fine with all my stuff. That never had been a problem, not liking being alone. It's that some things that have to be done and I never have done or fear I will fail at are the things that cause anxiety. A psychiatrist is quite anonymous. I personal would be squeezy about it too, because it is like opening up, leaving yourself vulnerable for attacks, criticism and it may be very painful and humiliating to tell about your past, msitakes, little things that shouldn't bother you but do and yourself, when you don't regard yourself high anyway. If you wish, you can find one in another town, if that makes you feel better. They have to keep their sessions and info they require a secret, so no one will know. And when you are better, you will leave that all behind you anyway. I would urge you to try it, even if your emotions get the best of you. It's not good to bottle everything up and let it eat you out from the inside. Also, it is good to cry/be angry sometimes, it's good to vent it out. It may feel embarassing at the moment, but it will take some pressure of you and with that make you feel better. I have only had one job interview that went disastrous. I came over awkward and I got a unsuspected test that left me feeling terrible, because I didn't got most of the questions, even not after some explaining and made a mess. Further I have never had trouble with it, because about all job inteviews were the same: talking about them and yourself. That I manage fairly easy, when it just involves talking and coming over bright, calm, smiling, nice and more of those virtues. No, it's not foolish to take on the job promotion. You had the guts to take it on and see where your strenghts and weakness' lie. You did your best and that is the best you or anyone could do. I am about alaways willing to try something new: if I am bad at it, I will know it for the next time and will try to avoid such a job (even though that doing something "wrong" once doesn't mean you do it always) and if i do it right, it is a confident boost and I will believe in myself to handle such jobs. I would say, get to know all you can about running things on the ground. The more you know and memorize, the better you will feel and more confident about the situations. Read/ask about it and when you think you have enough knowledge to feel confident, give it a shot. It never hurts to try. If it works out, your self esteem will be better and if it doesn't, in the worst case scenario you are just back at where you started, the situation you are now in, which is not nice, but it could be far worse. The succes scenario sounds much better, so I'd suggest aim your mindset on that. If it helps, pretend you are another person, or work yourself up to be irritated by people. When I am irritated or worked up, I am sharp and sometimes even quite vicious. People don't expect that from me and are in most cases not as well in quiping as me, giving me the upper hand and a good/confident position. I don't think I ever had much of a pride. That's ok by me. In a way pride can be in the way as well and leaves people more flexible. In fact, I can wave around with Bible verses about pride as well *snicker* But do not despair...I won't ;D Yes, a problem with "our kind" is that we analyze and think too much about our sorrows too often than is healthy. Maybe you can look out for another job, or try the job your former boss wanted to give you, seek for a place where you can socialize. Like charity or volunteers work, snowboarding, fencing, basketball, soccer, or some other interest. Or something else to get out, like running. What always helps, is getting a dog. For a dog you will have to get out, at least 3 times a day for a reasonable amount of time (I would suggest more times...after all, you wouldn't want to be restricted from going to the loo 3 times a day only), get fresh air, have a companion, something to take your mind of other things, to play with, learn things and to comfort you, womeone else to take care for. Also, you can socialize with other dog owners pure at the common aspect of having a dog and at exchanging experiences about dogs and perhaps even making dates to meet to go out with the dogs at the same time and socialize too. Also, you could go with your dog to dog trainings, either in behavior training or in game play, like fly ball, or other team-social related dog things. It must be obvious I like dogs. They are truely a good excuse to get out on your own, without feeling a bit weird about going out alone (as some people would feel) and a excuse to socialize with other people. If you have a cute looking dog, it may even attract people who want to pet it and have time to chat with you. And it may atract the ladies too There are also jobs which you can do with a dog, feel confident (if you train your dog well it is very obedient and listen to you) and come out among people and still not doing something with large crowds of people" only the dog and you and a assignment. Ok. End rant (again) . At the General forum I have posted a topic with links to help sites and books about anxiety, socializing, etc. shyunited.proboards15.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&thread=1079780163Vent whatever you want at this board. This board is specially for people who deal with shyness/anxiety or other social problems. That way people know that they are not alone and can help/support and spill out what's on their mind. (Sorry for the lenght)
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Post by CaryGrant on Mar 23, 2004 11:02:42 GMT -5
Hermit - you might find it easier to talk to a shrink than you think. A decent one is very accepting and non-judgemental, and you will very quickly feel safe in talking about whatever you choose. As you seem about as down as you can get, why not check one out? Go into it with the attitude that you will say only what you want to, that you are deciding if this is for you - not that you will spill your guts on the first visit.
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Post by Hermit on Mar 24, 2004 12:57:05 GMT -5
Once again thanks for the support guys. Ghost.. do you ever get writer's cramp? that was a mouthful I really appreciate your taking time to give me a little ego boost. About the psychiatrist.. having one hear about my problems isn't the problem. The issue is me having to be under the spotlight and actually *tell* the story. You've seen how choppy my thoughts are written down- you'd laugh if you knew how long it took me to find the right words.. now for me to be under a microscope with someone in person. I don't know if i can handle that- it's just another situation where my anxiety clouds my thoughts to where i can't focus on anything else.. i can't find the right words. It might not be a total lost cause though. If i could find someone i felt comfortable with- that would be a key factor. Even with the right person, i still feel that it would come down to me having to find the strength to face my fear and try and find some way of interacting with the rest of the world, and i don't know if i have the stomach to do that. I'm still thinking about it. What i need a whole lot more than a psychiatrist, is a girl. -lol that sounds like a punchline but i'm serious.. that has pretty much been dominating my thoughts lately. i don't think i need to tell anyone here about how lonely it is living with fear. I need someone to love and who could love me. I've never had a real relationship, and i have been envious of other happy people since my teenage years. I'm just over 30 years old, and the last 10 years seemed to have flown by.. i don't want to wake up one day and be too late. I know this is getting corny, but maybe i could find some strength from being in love- that would lift me out of this depression. Not to mention having sex again, i vaguely remember what it was like and i sure do miss it! I like the dog idea, Ghost but i don't think Tiger (that's my fatboy kitty) would really apreciate the idea. He's a funny character, pretty much a lazy ass like me (who'd have guessed it: a lazy cat) He doesn't really meow- he's got this throaty growl he puts out there whenever he wants something. If i'm in the kitchen (near his snacks) all i have to do is call out "wanna treat, tiger?" and he comes stampeding through the house from whatever corner he was in, sometimes knocking things (or people) out of the way trying to get at the snack. It's funny as hell because as big as he is he *cooks* man.. the fatguy is fast. -lol- just don't be in his way. He's my best friend, 5 years old now, and i've had him since he was only weeks old. He loves to lay in my lap or at my feet on the bed and never fails to make me feel a little better when i'm down. well, i think i've spewed enough for one sitting. I'll be sure to take a look at those links, thanks Ghost. Oh by the way, i've been meaning to register to the forum but i have small email problem i need to get resolved- i can't access my inbox. I'm eventually going to get this worked out, but in the meantime will this be a problem as far as registration? Will i need to have a password emailed to me?
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Ghost
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Post by Ghost on Mar 24, 2004 16:18:46 GMT -5
*Snickers* No, never writers cramp...*hears some members wail in pain* Fear me! Y'welcome for the boost and links Don't worry about choppy thoughts. I understand what you mean: there is extra pressure to preform well. Every shy person has trouble with trying to get things out of their mouth fluent instead of massacred I often ramble on, trying to find a proper clear way to say things. So I tell the re-re-re-re-revised version of my original story :roll: Not that I care much about that. I get a sneaky sadistic kick out of irritating people, sometimes. With writing it's similar...only when I have written something I rarely have time to look it over. That why I have those frequent misspellings I should write better, e.g. In this case, I sometimes logon, start writing but have to leave my keyboard for a while before I return. That limits possibilities of writers cramp, but also enables me to loose sight of my writinsg so it becomes a a neverending story :roll: Anyway. A psychiaterist who knows about your anxiety and problem to talk in a coherent speech, will understand and have patience. I would. If the shrink is any good, s/he should too. Try it: you can't loose, only gain from it. Btw, you could try penpals if you need people to talk too. At this board you can also post a penpal ad. Oh...the homones play up, uh? Girl business... It doesn't sound that corny. It is something that a lot of people, at this board and anyone shy or not shy, can relate too. Everyone wants someone who loves her/him and to love back. Well, I am of opinion that you have to feel good about yourself before you get a partner. But now you say the sentence that so many shy males have in the back of their mind when they think of having a girl: " that would lift me out of this depression." Having a partner will not make your problems dissapear. Yes, you will have companionship, but it is better to get more social before you try to nail a female (no, I didn't made it rhyme on purpose...but I leave it like this nevertheless ;D). That way you can get friends and with that companionship. Also, a relationship starts with friendship in the first place. Unless anyone here knows a shortcut, I am happy to oblige *Stops self from becoming to giddy and sunny* Girls are just human too. They don't have a magic Harry Potter to relief their boyfriends of their trouble and sorrows, make them active and feel confident, secure and have a high self esteem. Shy male stend to see a girlfriend as their (last) hope, their savior and lifeline, the "Chosen One" who will eradicate the loneliness and make everything wonderful again. It can even cause problems if you go in a relationship with that in the back of your mind, because you may lean too much at that person, depend too much on her and it can be suffocating. Note, that I don't say it has to be like that, but it is unhealthy to start a relationship with that as basis. Unless you find the rare person who loves you, feels pity and wants to see you as her pet project to improve and help. I am not sure if many would like that. Oh right...sex...*searches in a dictionary to enlighten what that was again for Hermit* What about hooking up with a female sex-psychiater? A girl+sex expert+shrink in one...dream combo! Actually, many cats I find rather lazy. Oh there was that cat who ran behind a small bouncing ball if I threw it, but it never returned the ball. At some point you just get tired searching and crawling to find the little toy. In that aspect the cat was quite similar to many dogs I have known: they know how to fetch, but not to return. Great for exercise, but being " dogged" and gasping for air in has it's drawback. Cats are less exhausting. I am still planning to cat-kidnap that white wooly cat that roams around my home...so fluffy *sighs dreamily* Yes, animals do make you feel better when you're down. They're none judgemental, are always there for you and so I can go on with the list what makes beasties prefered company above humans to me ;D *Walks out of topic, changes into mod outfit and enters topic again as "Ghost Mod"* When you register, you will be emailed your password for your account, which will be randomly generated. You can then login to the board and change your password to something else on the profile page. So you have to get into your inbox before you can use your registered name.
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Post by spitzig on Mar 25, 2004 1:31:12 GMT -5
About the psychiatrist.. having one hear about my problems isn't the problem. The issue is me having to be under the spotlight and actually *tell* the story. You've seen how choppy my thoughts are written down- you'd laugh if you knew how long it took me to find the right words.. now for me to be under a microscope with someone in person. I don't know if i can handle that- it's just another situation where my anxiety clouds my thoughts to where i can't focus on anything else.. i can't find the right words. It might not be a total lost cause though. If i could find someone i felt comfortable with- that would be a key factor. Even with the right person, i still feel that it would come down to me having to find the strength to face my fear and try and find some way of interacting with the rest of the world, and i don't know if i have the stomach to do that. I'm still thinking about it. I was not exactly comfortable about going to a psychiatrist the first time I did. I started thinking of it as a service. I pay her to give me advice to help me fix my problems. Her opinion of me is irrelevant.
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Post by CaryGrant on Mar 25, 2004 11:59:37 GMT -5
HI Hermit - watch out for that "finding love would solve all my problems" thinking. That has caused me more heartache than I care to think about - and two divorces! And it's putting the source of your happiness and wholeness outside yourself and beyond your power to do anything about.
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Ghost
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Post by Ghost on Mar 25, 2004 19:06:40 GMT -5
Good advise Cary. A girl is great, but it shouldn't be the number one priority. To get yourself together should be your goal. Btw Hermit...I have a most inspirational idea! Why don't you exchange Tiger for a dog? No? No option? Ok..what if you took Tiger for cosmetic surgery...a facelift, so he will look like a dog? You can walk him out and tell the ladies/people that he is a rare breed of dog and get local fame and attention. Perhaps you could even ask money from tourists to get on the photo with your semi-feline dog
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Post by Hermit on Mar 25, 2004 19:20:17 GMT -5
Hi guys.. Well, i've been thinking about what you all have said. I guess i know that having a relationship would be no cure for this, at least not the fear/anxiety.. but maybe with someone to rely on in tough situations, someone who i could trust enough to spill my heart and soul to- or more to the point- someone to give a kick in the rear, make me out there and deal with it, and *then* be there for support.. that person would be a godsend. (now's your cue to start wavin' that wand, Ghost) Seriously though, there's no danger of me jumping into anything headlong.. i just don't make those kind of moves any more. I can't even begin to make a move like that towards a girl in person any way. It's not much better through the internet.. I feel comfortable enough in the moment, blurting out what i'm feeling, with an almost urgent need to do so.. but then afterwards stressing over how much i've revealed. (kinda feeling that a little right now) I used to frequent another message board/chat room, that centered around a game i really like. I made a few friends there got to emailing back and forth, and i had a good time there. and then it happend. Two of these people had really come to think of as good friends. The one friend is a really outgoing character, very quick-witted and funny, and i got to know him well enough that i told him about my problems- really told him. He was shocked to say the least, mainly because i had come off as much more upbeat in my correspondance both email and on the message board. It was easy because of the subject involved- the game- it's one of the few subjects where i never have a lack for words. This was the first time i'd ever told *anyone* about this, though it was only through email.. he's a good person, and had some well thought and supportive advice for me, but always along the lines of -just get out there and keep at it- .. which i just can't do. I had also gotten close to the moderator of the website.. things were a lot more complicated with this friend.. a girl. I had also spilled my guts to her about all this, and she was absolutely wonderful about it, she always had the right thing to say, and even sent me a postcard when she was on vacation, and again on my birthday- even though she lives in another country. So over the course of time i got to know her fairly well, or at least fairly well for only knowing her online. I ended up falling hard for this girl.. I know, i've never seen her other than a picture, and never spoke to her more intimately than in a chat room.. but it was easy for me see what caring, intelligent, and beautiful person- both inside and out- that she is. The problems started when i realized that i was starting to care for her more than as a friend. I had already let her know that i thought her attractive, without being to overt, and that i thought she was wonderful person, but not the extent of what i was feeling. It started to get where i couldn't think of much else but her, i wanted to say something, i considered suggesting we meet sometime (other members of the forum had already done this more than once), but never built up the nerve. She ended up taking a trip to California, very close to where my best friend lived- it was the perfect opportunity for me to meet her! My friend and his wife had already asked me to fly out for a visit- his wife works for united airlines, and had given me a companion pass, which is basically a free flight. I ended up chickening out. I was just too freaked out about the whole idea, trying to be normal in front of my best friends and try and set up a meeting with a girl i have a severe crush on.. to say nothing of the damn airports- a hellish situation all it own.. (anyone seen the inside of o'hare?- not a pretty picture.)--i couldn't go through with it- as usual. So utterly dejected, i sent her an email telling her that i'd had the opportunity to meet her, and that i was too much of a coward to do it. I haven't been back to that forum, or sent any of those friends an email since. Starting to see a trend here? this is why i label myself as cowardly: i *always* run. I appreciate what you kind folks have mentioned about the not avoiding my friend's wedding, or his brother's funeral- but that was less about being there for him than it was my fear of losing his friendship by *not* showing. One fear simply overpowered the other. I didn't run because i felt it wasn't an option. It's probably the same reason i haven't tried to off myself- i'm just more afraid of death than of life. I instead wish in vain that i had never been born when i let myself think about such things.
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Post by Jarous on Mar 26, 2004 1:22:45 GMT -5
Hermit, all is not lost by missing just one oppurtunity. Go back to the forum - she may as well make another trip in the future ;-)
You always run? Well, only the reckless, the foolhardy or the mad never do. You must proceed in overcoming your problem slowly, in small steps and take your time. If you jump right into something big, with lots of people and more than a bit stressful, chances are you will 'chicken out.'
Are you more afraid of death than of life? Change your attitude, man, quickly. You can hardly enjoy anything out of fear. Respect is much better. Better still, sit down and write all the things you like in this world (no matter how trivial), then read them. You see? No more fear - promise!
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Ghost
Full Member
Posts: 220
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Post by Ghost on Mar 26, 2004 5:11:23 GMT -5
but maybe with someone to rely on in tough situations, someone who i could trust enough to spill my heart and soul to- or more to the point- someone to give a kick in the rear, make me out there and deal with it, and *then* be there for support.. that person would be a godsend. You mean a friend? Or family? Both fit the description. If you search for Godsend, you want an angel *Waves with wand mutters hocus pocus and...poof!...a inflatable doll...* Eh...you meant the "living kind", eh? Need to work on that... Don't worry about how much you did or did not reveal to us. Everyone here has some shy/anxiety problem(s) one way or the other. Many can understand that you have to get some things of your chest. Yes, we know some about you now, but only the things that are crucial to make us understand your position, your behavior, the why. You are still completely anonymous: we don't know where you live, your real name, what kind of ice cream you like (if you like it), etc. "just get out there and keep at it" isn't bad advise. But if you have anxiety it just doesn't go that easy. You can leap sudden that far ahead. Otherwise we all wwoulkd do it. It takes small steps to change yourself along the way. But the guy meant well, that is at least something The girl send you a postcard from her vacation? I never gave my address to anyone I knew/know online. Online friendships never lasted long with me. 6 months tops and it was history. It was pointless to give away a address because of that and I don't like the idea to give it out to anyone I have known in real for a while. With (online) friends you have to make the decision on time how you will see them, if you think they're attractive: as a friend, sister/brother, potential lover. When you decide that that friend will be nothing more then a friend and accept that, your mindset will be at ease and you can start to act as nothing more but friends and not think about dating. But you should not have doubts and just stick to your decision. It should work, or in most cases anyway. I would find it scary to meet someone I met online as well. I had a chat some time ago with someone I know. She was only concerned how the heck the whole online bunch had to understand all the different accents, seen no one was of the same place. Still, I doubt I would want to meet anyone online until I had known them for years. In your case you would bring friends along to meet her, that would make it either comfortable or less comfortable. Did the girl knew how you felt about her? In either case, I think she might have understand why you acted the way you did, because you spilled your inside out at her. You always run? Hmm. I am quite a runaway myself. Not at every situation, but if I can, there is little to stop me from taking that oppertunity. But that has been a nasty habit I already developed as kid. Perhaps, if you wish to, you can email the girl and teh friends you made there and again try to make contact. Or just explain your behavior and tell them you don't expect anything, but just wanted to let them know why you acted that way. Afraid of death? I am not afraid of death. But life is so much better. There is always something you can do about life. If you feel like hope is gone, you might just as well take radical steps to change yourself, if you don't care about things anymore. That way you will also see that life has so much to offer if we dare to step out and take notice of the good things around us. Wishing you never had been born is something you shouldn't do either. I don't say I never thought about such things, but that is a typical anxiety view people have: all about themselves and how bad they have it. No, they don't have a rosy life, but we are too much focused inward and selfish. There are people out there who like us, but just can't understand us and or actions. That is why they hurt unintentional. As suggested by Jarous and myself at another diary, write down what you like. Make a list of things, big or small. Make a list about what you are fortunate about to have: a home, health, a cat, a "roomie" to help out in the house, food, education, etc. And make a list of goals you want to achieve and things that you would like to do, dreams, even if you may not come to do it. Stick it up somewhere and remind yourself of all the good things you still have and still have to live for and to go for. Though it will help to see what you still have in potential and now, at some point you slowly have to undertake steps. I have started a while ago to nudge myself to see the positive things in situations. So when I get mad about myself or somehow are upset, I force myself to not dwell in self pity but think of "pretty things". It helps, because the common-positive sense pops much more up in my mind then it had before. It also calms me down and see things more rational. We have to get of our lazy butt and do something. My gran always said "The day of the lazy bones is always tommorow". So we can't just sit and wait for someone to rescue us, because no one can help us if we don't make self a effort to make changes. Btw, I still would suggest a shrink, or penpal, anyone who can motivate you positive and support. And try to get contact with your friend...email..phone..anything. You should be able to explain: he was/is your best friend *hands over a Scooby snack, to perk Hermit up*
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Post by Hermit on Mar 27, 2004 17:48:04 GMT -5
I'm sorry.. i didn't mean for my post to slope downhill like that. And i know how irritating it can be to have to listen to such self-indulgant BS constantly.. even here, or maybe *especially* here. I know i should be trying to concentrate on being more positive, and looking to dig myself out of this hole rather than wallowing in it. That's partly why i haven't tried to get in touch with the girl i have a crush on, or my other online friend.. All i had to discuss was my own pain- who wants to hear about such black feelings all the time? I didn't want it to get to the point that they dreaded "talking" to me.
I know running is no answer. I know it only too well.. I'm just very tired.
Thank you Ghost, Jarous, Spitzig and Cary Grant for the very kind feedback. It's still setting in: the fact that there are more people than i ever thought, dealing with the same crap as me. It's very humbling, and makes me ashamed -(or rather more ashamed)-of being so self-absorbed in thinking that i was the only one. I will try to find some help, if i can force myself to do so.
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