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Post by Hermit on Jul 10, 2004 11:24:55 GMT -5
Well, more of the same... I've been corresponding with a girl over the internet -she's dealing with a lot of the same issues as i have. We were "getting along" pretty good and both enjoyed hearing about each others' stories and daily B.S. -i really like her. The problems started when i told her that i was interested in her and would like to meet her somtime. She was very upset by this and told me that to do so would seem ideal but that she couldn't do it. She went on to say that the only reason she had told me the personal stuff about herself was that she never intended to meet me in person. She then blocked me from sending any further mail. I thought that i had made it clear from the very first message that i sent her that i was looking to start a relationship in this way.. (maybe the only way i'll ever be able to open myself up and be relaxed enough to get to know someone). I also told her that even if our correspondance ended up with us only being email friends that it would still be a good thing. I think she felt that the stuff she told me about herself was given under false pretense -that because of my interest in her i was only telling her what she wanted to hear.. at least to some degree. This was *not* the case! I was just as pleased as she was, to be able to talk to someone about the things i normally can't talk about. Just because she didn't want to meet or wasn't interested in me in the same way, it didn't mean things had changed -i felt a little bad about being rejected but am not bitter about it at all.. i feel way worse about having ruined our friendship and that she felt it necessary to block my email.. saying that she felt confused and naive. All she had to do was tell me not to write her and i would have stopped Now i don't even have the option of appologizing or explaining to her that reason i found her so apealing is that so much of what she wrote about her feelings, fears and problems mirrored my own very closely. I could send her a message from my folks' computer, but i don't know what good it woud do.. Should i try to patch things up? or at least give her that appology and explaination? I also met this girl while working on the road this week.. she's a bartender i met while having dinner with my co-workers. We had a little eye contact and smiled back and forth, but she was very busy so i had to wait until she got off work to really talk to her. We ended up going back to my room for a little while (nothing serious folks! we played video golf ) before she had to drive home.. I walked her back to her car and i gave her a somewhat innocent kiss goodbye. I was nervous as hell and i know it showed, how could it not? i spoke very sporatically, forcing short queries or comments to keep from being silent. She's very cool, and still interested even after experiencing my lack of a social skill. I'm supposed to drive up and meet her this weekend (i have to call her tonight) but my stomach is doing gymnastics.. plus it's like a two and a half hour drive to where she lives -i'm very used to long drives but it does add to the stress of the situation.
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Post by CaryGrant on Jul 12, 2004 11:43:05 GMT -5
Congrats on the bartender! It sounds like you did brilliantly. It's very normal to be nervous on a first date with someone you find attractive, and you did well.
It's sad that your internet buddy cut you off like that, but what can you do? She has big-time fears and ran away because she projected those fears on you. So contacing her from another email account may help her or it may just scare her more. It's not really your fault - though she may have tried to make out that it was to avoid dealing with her own issues.
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Post by Alecto on Jul 12, 2004 19:38:28 GMT -5
I'm sorry about the situation with the girl. But as I know, meeting some one over the internet can be very frightening.
Maybe you should try to contact her one more time to explain things to her. After that, move on with your life.
Good luck Hope everything goes well with the bartender girl!
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Post by Hermit on Jul 17, 2004 11:50:06 GMT -5
I decided not to go on that date with the bartender, the only day off she had was sunday, and i knew i wasn't going to be working anywhere near her the next day. It was just too much to have to drive 2 1/2 hours there spend the evening with her and then have to drive another 2 1/2 back home, and be ready for more driving the next morning. I still kinda feel like i copped out though. I don't get too many opportunities that fall in my lap like that, with the way i tend to alienate myself. I have to admit that if i had felt less nervous about the situation, i probably would have gone through with it anyway, drive or no drive.
As for my email friend.. i want to try and send her an email from my folks' house, but i'm not too keen on the idea of them reading that message, so unless i come up with a better option, or maybe the time and chance to send it and then delete it from the box, i'll probably just let it go.. the ball's in her court. I hope to hear from her again, but for some reason i don't think i will.
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Post by spitzig on Jul 17, 2004 14:22:12 GMT -5
I don't know whether it would be wise to attempt to contact her, but you could go to the library and use a PC there. Just create an account at a free email website.
My view has always been to let someone avoid me, if they wish to do so. To do otherwise always seemed aggressive. But, maybe that's the shyness.
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Post by Hermit on Jul 18, 2004 15:52:36 GMT -5
Spitzig: I think i could manage a message that wouldn't be threatening -or pushy. I just want to get across to her that nothing has changed as far as our friendship was concerned. I also want to let her know that i'm sorry for making her feel uncomfortable, and that i wouldn't force the issue but that i still want to hear from her.
I've been thinking about calling my ex-girlfriend (the only one) and asking her to dinner -it's been 6 years since she left me and i haven't seen her for more than two years. Her best friend is also a friend of mine, who dates my roommate, so i hear about her now and again. I've thought about calling her off and on for years but never went through with it. She's been going through some pretty rough times lately..from my friend, i found out that she'd had a miscarriage earlier this year, and almost lost her life as well as the child -internal bleeding that they couldn't get stopped. I should have called her long before now and at least gave her my sympathy, but my anxiety has pretty much been in the driver's seat until very recently (it's still screaming commands at me from the back seat)
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Post by Hermit on Jul 19, 2004 7:17:30 GMT -5
Man, i hate anxiety..
I tried calling my ex-girlfriend, but got voice mail twice and her mother answered the phone the other time, saying that she was at work. Each time i called my heart was pounding so hard that i could see my pulse throbbing in my wrist. I was both relieved and disappointed that i couldn't get ahold of her. I'm going to try again today but i'm scared of how the conversation will go.. there were no hard feelings between us when she left, it's just that i don't know what i'm going to say to her, beyond "Hi!"
I want to invite her to dinner and try and cheer her up (maybe both of us) and talk about old times and maybe let her know that i did care about her even if i was terrible at showing it.
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Post by CaryGrant on Jul 21, 2004 11:46:24 GMT -5
Perfect - what's wrong with this? I think the important parts are cheering her up and empathising. I would ask about dinner but not push it, and ditto for the caring. It means more that you are showing it now.
All the best, and I hope you keep calling until you get her.
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Post by Hermit on Aug 2, 2004 0:24:51 GMT -5
Strike two..
Called my ex-girlfriend a couple of times but she said she was busy with work and didn't have any free time last weekend or this one.
I don't think she's interested in a date with me at all. She didn't tell me that she didn't want to see me but it seemed like she wasn't very excited about the idea. I could be wrong but i don't think so. When i talked to her friday she hurried her way out of the conversation saying "she'd call me back if she could". I didn't hear from her.
I wonder if she's turned off of the idea because of how much i sucked as a boyfriend when we were together or because of how much of a wierdo i sounded like on the phone -trying to hold a conversation while having an anxiety attack.
I'm so damn lonely. It's eating me up inside.
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Cactus
Junior Member
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Post by Cactus on Aug 23, 2004 23:47:45 GMT -5
How did you "suck" as a boyfriend? Even if she doesn't want to start things up again, that doesn't mean you sucked. Perhaps you just weren't compatible. Who knows? Don't put yourself down like that. BTW, your writing isn't all disjointed. It's very smooth. It's in a conversational style that makes it easy to read and relate to.
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Cactus
Junior Member
Posts: 75
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Post by Cactus on Aug 24, 2004 0:04:31 GMT -5
I still kinda feel like i copped out though. I don't get too many opportunities that fall in my lap like that, with the way i tend to alienate myself. I have to admit that if i had felt less nervous about the situation, i probably would have gone through with it anyway, drive or no drive. Have you thought about what might be causing you to alienate yourself? I do the same thing. Something great comes up and I cop out. I don't know why I do it. Building a wall around yourself (as I sort of have) is no way to live. What are you so fearful of when you're out in social situations? Is it just something unidentifiable or is there something in particular? Are you fearful of people and/or the way they'll treat you? It sounds as if you're hurting way too much for one person to handle.
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Post by CaryGrant on Aug 25, 2004 12:32:29 GMT -5
I would have to agree that your ex is not interested, at least not at this time. Women who are interested will generally offer another time if the one you suggest doesn't work.
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Post by lonelyheart on Aug 29, 2004 2:26:54 GMT -5
Hi Hermit,
I feel exactly the same way as you do. Although, you are probably a level up from me due to some of the things that you have done, I commend you on that and hope that you do find someone and slowly overcome your anxiety.
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Post by Hermit on Aug 31, 2004 22:59:28 GMT -5
How did you "suck" as a boyfriend? Even if she doesn't want to start things up again, that doesn't mean you sucked. Perhaps you just weren't compatible. Who knows? Don't put yourself down like that. BTW, your writing isn't all disjointed. It's very smooth. It's in a conversational style that makes it easy to read and relate to. Hi Cactus, thank you for the kind words but i think it would be fair to say that i sucked. I don't think i ever spoke one mean word to the girl and there Were some fun times, but on the whole i just might as well not have been there.. never saying much, rarely doing much. I took her to dinner several times but we never went out anywhere other than that -boring for her i'm sure. More importantly though, i just Wasn't there.. i spent to much time in wrapped up in myself, -my fear of living- to be involved with her on anything more than a shallow level.. (the fact that i work out of town mon-fri most weeks didn't help matters either) Simple things like showing affection around other people -kissing or holding hands- i'd be too worked up by anxiety to handle even tame social settings, and it was usually all i could do to keep my composure -let alone show her affection. (sometimes even around friends). When we were alone i still couldn't really open up to her.. not the way two people in a relationship are supposed to. I couldn't bring myself to tell her what was going on in my head or how bad i felt, and why i was so distant. Cactus also wrote: "Have you thought about what might be causing you to alienate yourself? I do the same thing. Something great comes up and I cop out. I don't know why I do it. Building a wall around yourself (as I sort of have) is no way to live. What are you so fearful of when you're out in social situations? Is it just something unidentifiable or is there something in particular? Are you fearful of people and/or the way they'll treat you?" I'm not sure exactly what causes my anxiety to flare up, but it is complicated by increasing feelings of depression and shame in knowing that i've wasted a pretty large chunk of my life and that there's not a lot of hope that things are going to get any better. "It sounds as if you're hurting way too much for one person to handle." I try to remind myself that there are people out there in a lot more pain than i am, (and i know that is the truth) and that i should just deal with it, and go through life as well as i can, and ten years ago, i thought that i could do that -maybe even end up a little better off. That hasn't been the case.. I'm to the point now that it's with me every day.. even if i can get through a day without feeling too much anxiety, there's still the depression to deal with, and i don't know how much longer i can stand either one. The other day, taking the long friday ride home from working out of town, i was half asleep with my head leaning on the side of the window and semiconsciously thinking about things, when out of nowhere, i almost sobbed out loud. I woke up and managed to cover the tears and get ahold of myself but it really freaked me out. It's not the first time something like that has happened, either. I can't trust myself to hold it together around other people anymore. Hi LonelyHeart, thanks man. I'm sorry to hear that you're living through the same crap There's more than a few others here going through it as well.
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Cactus
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Post by Cactus on Sept 2, 2004 0:13:59 GMT -5
Simple things like showing affection around other people -kissing or holding hands- i'd be too worked up by anxiety to handle even tame social settings, and it was usually all i could do to keep my composure -let alone show her affection. (sometimes even around friends). I think that alot of girls would've felt quite insecure in this kind of situation. I'm sure I would've. If I were with someone who didn't show me any affection in public or around friends (ever), I would think that he was embarrassed by me and didn't want anyone to know we were together. (I would've wanted to know why though and I would've asked about it). That would suck, but it still doesn't mean that you "sucked" (I know I'm being a little persistent here, but you're really down on yourself!) It means that there was a lack of understanding between the two of you and whether it was because you didn't tell her or she didn't ask, it doesn't matter. It wasn't you, it wasn't her. It was both of you. Did you just not want to tell her or were you afraid to? If she had known, maybe she could've helped to ease your burden a little. It's funny how the things that people seem to think will make them appear weak and foolish to others, can be the very things that make the bonds with others stronger. Emotional ties....you know what I mean? Hopefully I make some sense. The stuff in my head doesn't always come out right. How has your life, to date, been wasted? Why couldn't things get better? This much suffering.... The only thing that I can say is that if you get to the point where you can't stand it anymore, perhaps that will be the force that you need to make a change for the better. The place where you find that the strength you've had to tolerate the pain can be the strength that helps you to find your bearings. I can understand this completely. Last week I was at work and I would be in the middle of doing something and tears would well up (I did an admirable job of containing them though). I didn't want anyone to see, but at the same time, I needed someone to see. I wished for someone to understand and that's only possible if they see. No one saw me. I think the best place to start is from the little things. Do you smile at stuff? Do you ever feel happiness or peacefulness or joy, even for a moment? What about when you gave that bartender a kiss? Didn't that make you feel something good? I know you said you were anxiety-ridden, but what about after? These kinds of moments aren't all strung together. They happen every once in awhile, but most of the time, you have to go looking for them. It's a cliche, I know, but just smell a flower sometime or feel the fresh air in your lungs and be thankful for the small stuff. The bigger stuff will come in its own time. My favourite thing to do (it's a bit silly, but I'm in touch with my inner child) is to throw my head back while I'm walking along, outside, and just look up at the leaves on the trees. It brings me a measure of peace that I don't find elsewhere very often. Maybe you have something like this. If not, try to find something that will transport you (even for a second or two). It can do wonders. I wish I could be more helpful, but....well....there you go. What else is going on in your life these days? What is a typical day like for you? If you don't mind my asking, of course.
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