I WAS AN ONLY CHILD, I HATE IT!

[crystal2shy]

Hi i am crystal and i am an only child, my step dad had two kids but they never lived with us and i am my mothers only child. Growing up was so lonely at times because all i had was myself, my mom played with me sometimes but it wasnt the same as a friend or sibling. thats why i loved school because i got to be around other kids my age and play and have fun and learn. i was used to playing alone most of the time, even board games and card games, i would just have to play for every player which meant that i always won. my taught me to read at an early age and since then i havent stopped. i love to read it gave/gives me a chance to see life in others point of view and to imagine being elsewhere and to just not feel so alone and it passes time well. So i talked to myself alot and my family would laugh at me or call me weird but what else was i supposed to do or who was i supposed to talk to? i wasnt shy in school in terms of meeting friends when i was younger and i love to be on stage in front of lots of people because i like to dance, but as i got older and into highschool and the real world where not everyone wants to be your friend, i really got shy and self conscious. it seemed like all the other kids had more freeedom than me (mymom kept good tabs on me) and were more mature and confident. i felt like such a baby because my mom took care of everything for me and i had no need to "grow up fast". well to make a long story short i am now 22 and i have become so quiet that it wearing me down, im so used to my mom making my decisions and deciding whats best that i didnt know i had an opinion, and this made me a very easy going person, perhaps too laid back, when people ask me what do i want to do its like all i can say is "i dont know" because i cant make a decision on my own, i dont know what i want because i wasnt asked that often growing up, and if someone asks me whats wrong i immediately say "nothing" because i feel like saying my feelings out loud will sound stupid or dumb or that it will make the person mad if its not what they wanted to hear, its like i seriously fear rejection and ridicule, and i have a hard time putting thoughts into words, im so used to thinking every single thing in my head, where no one can judge me or ridicule me for what i am thinking, i feel safer that way, and im very protective of my feelings but i need to overcome this and not feel intimidated to say my thoughts even if its not good, i just feel so stupid compared to everyone else, i wasnt allowed to speak my mind growing up, my mom thought it was disrespectful to her so it was what she says goes, so now that i am on my own and have been for three years, how do i alll of a sudden start to speak my mind. People automatically think i am stuck up due to my quietness but i dont think im better than anyone, i just dont usually make the first effort at conversation,especially around new people, but if someone asks me a question a very willingly answer and talk back but if no one starts off saying anything then i will just sit there and people take that the wrong way but i am a really nice person if im given a chance. i feel so confused, i have one best friend who i am totally free around, i can say or do anything around her that i wouldnt do around anyone else, even my family or my boyfriend, why is it just her, she cant be the only one in the world that i could connect with. how do i find other friends?

[Ghost]

Hmm. I don't think I can imagine how it could be lonely for a only child. I had plenty of imagination and am still told fondly that I could completely go up in my own world. Some children without siblings never felt that lonely and managed well. But there are probably children who felt the same as you crystal.

At some point I wasn't that easy with entertaining myself with toys, because it became predictable, playing with/against yourself. Still, I never was really bored. Not bored for long times. and as you, I discovered the fun of reading and withdrawing in the world of the books. Didn't you invite any of your friends home? Or the other way 'round? I used to do that with friends (well, they usual came to my house).

Talk to yourself? Have you ever created a imaginary friend? I know someone who has siblings and told me not too long ago that as kid she used to take her "bag of monkey's" (yes, those were here invisible friends *chortle*) everywhere she went. But you shouldn't take it too hard that they called you weird: they most likely took it as something amusing and endearing, a "game" you played as kid. They didn't knew why you did it. To them it was a kid's game you made up.

Oh, the getting into the "real world" sound familiar to me. I moved to another school and discovered that the people there were not that nice, tougher and easy to anger. That was something unknown to me. By the time I was 8 I had changed into a cautious person, who looked at people with different eyes. Before I went to highschool I already knew I would have a hard time, because all the older people so far had always tried to supress me and use me. And highschool was full of that kind and I knew that people would change and do things to fit in in cliques and such.

I think my parents may have pampered me too much at times. I dunno. it's hard to say, but I can definite say that I never had a shortcoming. But I never minded it much. I wasn't a standard person (compared to all the trendy/macho/clique figures that is), so I only found it convenient that my parents did more then other teenage parents. But it may have been better if they were less protective.

Decision making sounds familiar to a extend. I sometimes find it hard to make up my mind, because others always used to do it for me. Not just parents, but also because others bossed me around and kept me down. I even find it sometimes a bit scary that I don't have an opinion about something...like I never developed a taste at certain area's and am clueless. I don't always feel like that my opinion matters to people either, so that doesn't help.

Voicing my feelings is something of struggle at times. I don't want to make myself vulnerable, because i don't know how people react. I fear rejection and that people get angry too. Not always, but at some points. Don't worry, most shy people (and members here) have problems to actual speak and convert their thoughts in a sentence. Its' a common thing amongst "our kind" Are you sure people think you are stuck up? Perhaps that is what you think they think. It is possible that your speech pattern comes over offensive too. Like some members here have written that they are so blunt in conversations, that people take it in a insulting way. They don't mean to be like that, obvious, but it is just that they are not very aware of what is "right" and "wrong" as sentence structure without coming over rude, e.g.

There can be several reasons why you connect with your friend better then to others. Perhaps because she is your age, female and have a lot in common, have known each other since your childhood, unlike your boyfriend. And you have a more free and companionship relationship with her then you ever had with your parents, it seems. You may feel like a asfe haven with her, like a close sisterhood. I don't know enough about your social contacts to come up with more idea's.

I think you need some serious "soul searching". Finding out who you are and what you want. Find out what you like and dislike and why. Growing as a person, basically, from a blueprint to a full fledged building. Make a list of things you like or dislike. Just random things, doesn't matter what. Make a list of things you don't have an opinion about. Try to figure out at each subject how you feel about it. Think of what you like or dislike about it. Try to create a opinion. Perhaps that will help you to develop a sense of reasoning, taste and own free will at certain matters.

At this topic there is a list of several shy related links and books. Also about making friends. Perhaps you will find something useful inbetween it.:
shyunited.proboards15.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&thread=1079780163

[spitzig]

I have two sisters. On the rare occasion I played with the sister close in age to me, I almost always regretted it. Most other interactions were just irritating or pissed me off. I eventually learned to avoid her, and still consider it the best option.

Just having a sibling doesn't mean you wouldn't be/have been lonely.

[Alecto]

I have 2 older brothers. One 10 years older, so we were never close. The one that is near my age I never got along with for some reason.

So most of my time was spent playing alone even though I do have siblings.

[Jarous]

I do have a sister but that never made my growing up a bit less lonely. Actually it made me even worse at times by seeing her get friends, go clubbing and all that 'normal' stuff I just seemed not able to do.

My parents were, and pretty much still are, very protective of me and take care of things I should do myself. Yeah, that took away all the need for acting, arranging things etc.

Of course, opinions. So easy replying 'I don't care.' No need to defend your views or argue about different suggestions. I actually never ment 'I don't have an opinion' but 'whatever you choose is OK for me, don't worry.' Well, people can grow tired quite fast of someone who always agrees with them.

Crystal, don't feel stupid in comparison with others. Only the wise can tell they are no geniuses :-). Moreover, if you don't like the way your parents discouraged you from talking, enjoy your freedom to do as you will now.

[traveljunkie]

I can totally relate to your some of your troubles. I grew up an only child. My parents split when I was young and I lived with one or the other until I escaped to college even though I really didn't want to go at the time. Growing up was a lonley ordeal. I changed schools just about every year. and never made any serious or lasting friends. Now I tend to be quite and reserved. I now have similar problems with people thinking I am stuck up, arrogant and judgemental. I'm not like that at all. I'm generally nice and patient with everyone and never make rude comments or put anyone down, but people still seem to see me this way.

One thing I have noticed with new coworkers and meeting friends of friends or peoples realtives is you do have to make an effort to at least appear to people to be sociable no matter how painfull it is. Or you you will get these labels.

Another bad thing about being an only child is that parents focus all of their expectations on one child. I remember 3 months into being in college my mother started asking dumb questions like had I met anyone to marry yet so she could have grand children. 10 years later and the pressure is still there. lol

In the end finding friends in this worl is tough finding some who can understand you is even tougher. Not many people will be able to totally understand and relate to you.
If you already have one friend who does understand you consider yourself lucky. Alot of people don't even have that.

[Jarous]

traveljunkie said:

I remember 3 months into being in college my mother started asking dumb questions like had I met anyone to marry yet so she could have grand children.

My mother is the same way (it seems moms are obsessed by having grandchildren). It always nearly ripps my heart apart when she says something like "We can't throw this away. You're children will play with it one day." or "Oh, wait till your children treat you like this." These are times I am so glad I have a sister who is normal (quite).

[Ghost]

traveljunkie said:

If you already have one friend who does understand you consider yourself lucky. Alot of people don't even have that.

Agree.

My parents never putted any of such pressure onto me to have children. Jokes, yes, but not that they feel it is needed. In fact, one of parents doesn't want to be even grandparent ;D

[Alecto]

My parents don't really pressure me into having kids, in fact when it comes down to it. My mom tells me :

" Don't screw up your life the way I did"

I wonder which one of us she is talking about

[Jarous]

Alecto said:

" Don't screw up your life the way I did"

From my mother I'd regard this as an insult. But, yeah, if only she knew how screwed life could be for us...

[Alecto]

Thats true, if I was the oldest I probably would take it as an insult, as she had my brother at age 17.

Being the youngest though, I'm hoping she's not talking about me. ;D

[Jarous]

My mother had me at 17. When she lectures to my sister about taking care with birtcontrol and such she always points her case as a bad one. She usually claims not being able to travel after having a baby, putting on, being bound to home for many years...

Most of it is true, yet I can't avoid thinking it's only lazyness that prevents her from say travelling nothing more (and certainly not me).

At times I can get really mad at the comments. One day I retorted "Why then going through all the trouble of having a baby [read me] at all?" That stopped the rambling but I am not sure whether her feelings werent' hurt ... children are ungrateful indeed.

[spitzig]

I knew since I was like 5 that my mother married my father because she got pregnant with me. I used to be proud of it. A few years ago, my mother said something about it, in connection to concerns about my sister. I laughed and said something about knowing how to subtract months for a long time.

[Alecto]

I think its horrible when mother's tell the kids they were an "accident". I mean, it really does damage to their self esteem