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Post by Moses on Sept 22, 2004 21:34:01 GMT -5
Yes, that is my name. I am a 33 year old married man with two boys. And yes, I can say I am shy. I have been shy my whole life. I've been through all the pain that normally follows us shy people. I've been picked on, bullied, made fun of, laughed at, and even peer pressured.
I watched hopelessly as my two brothers (one younger and one older) had girlfriends and I didn't. They were having sex while I was too busy wondering how to even kiss a girl. And even they made fun of me for it. I had a couple of girlfriends in my life but they always broke my heart because I was too shy to do anything. I was thought of as too boring, too straight ( I didn't smoke, drink, or swore very much, and I stayed away from trouble at all times), and too much of a nice guy. I was the "good boy" who never gave my mother trouble. I was always there to help out with things because I was almost always home. I was so quiet that some people thought there was something wrong with me. Some parents thought I was just trouble waiting to happen. And all in all I was ignored a lot. People didn't realize I was there at times. I was invisible many times to people.
But even though I went through all of that I never thought about suicide. I didn't hate myself for being shy. I hated the way people treated me because of it. How did I cope? I cried. Got it all out that way. And I prayed. A lot. But I knew a long time ago, I was never going to change who I am for any one. I wanted to be true to myself at all times and if I got into a situation I couldn't be myself I left. If you were not going to accept me for who I am, a shy and quiet person, then fine, I will find someone who will. And those that did, they soon realized I was also a very kind-hearted, loving, compashionate, honest and someone who loved to talk, and even a romantic person. I was true, and never fake.
And for those who feel shyness is a problem, I say No! It is not something that needs to be "fixed." It is who we are. And i have learned to love who I am. I am proud to be a shy man. It is who I am and what has gotten me this far without hardly any problems in life. I said "no" to peer pressure all of my life because I was not going to let anyone else take away part of my soul.
I did eventually find a woman who loved every bit of me. Enough to marry me and have children with me. And now I can say it was all because I was 100% me. Shy and all. I am still a shy man. But I am very compashionate towards people of innocence. Expecially kids. I have trained myself to not get nervous in certain situations, and I am so calm in the worst of situations, that it makes me strong. I will stick up for the "underdog" and will talk to you when no one else will.
I think shy people are beautiful. And I will encourage any shy person to never let anyone tell you something is wrong with you. It can be tough being shy, and no, it isn't something you will completely lose. Being shy is a special trait that not too many people have. So, no matter what, always be true to yourself. You will love yourself for it in the end.
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Post by Kitten on Sept 23, 2004 10:05:19 GMT -5
Thank you! That's such a great way of looking at your shyness. It's not a curse, it's who you are. I spent so much time wishing I could be different growing up and hating myself for being shy. I wanted to be like the popular girls in my class--perky, confident and outgoing, instead of the sullen little mouse that I was, sitting sadly on the sidelines. No one likes to be excluded from things. It sucks. But being shy, it's just a fact of life that people are going to exclude you. You can either change who you are, or live life the way you are, the best way you can. As I got older, I began to develop my own interests, and I began to see just how different I was from those vapid Abercrombie types--I didn't have much in common with them, so my interest in becoming friends with them disappeared as well. I began to meet people who DO appreciate me for who I am, even though they may not completley understand me at times. I still struggle with anxeity and interacting with others, but know that once I get past that initial anxiety, I become more myself. I know I'll never be the life of the party, but that's OK, because that's not me. I'm starting to like who I am. Congratulations on finding your wife! You sound like a wonderful man, she must feel lucky to have found you. We need more caring, compassionate people in this world and less loudmouthed jack-offs who only care about themselves and just talk to hear the sound of thier own voices. You're right that it is tough, but it does no good to hate yourself for it and wallow in your own misery.
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Post by glenn miller on Sept 23, 2004 17:38:57 GMT -5
that is basically how i am to. to be who u r. that is how i think to. if i am shy then i am.
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Post by mathew on Sept 23, 2004 21:31:29 GMT -5
Thank you! That's such a great way of looking at your shyness. It's not a curse, it's who you are. It's only not a curse when you get laid. I consider myself cursed.
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Post by Cherry Cola on Sept 24, 2004 11:08:31 GMT -5
Moses, it is not that easy for everyone, yes you were shy, but by the sounds of it you were also self-confident. There are varying degrees of shyness, like a scale, I don't think that everyone who is shy is exactly shy on the same level. For some people it is a struggle to even walk down the street, let alone walk into a room full of people. For people who have extreme shyness (social anxiety) then being themselves will not make them happy, if they were to be themselves then they would never leave their houses. It's great that you have accepted yourself for who you are, but that approach does not work for everyone, especially when it has been proven that shyness can be lessened or even overcome. Also, it's possible that you are also an introvert which would make it easier for you to accept being alone at times, whereas for shy extroverts even being alone for 5 seconds could prove too much.
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Post by riverboy on Sept 25, 2004 16:10:03 GMT -5
(I am Moses. I am now a member) I do understand there are different levels of shyness. I hope I didn't offend anyone. I guess I am just speaking to people who are at my level of shyness. I used to be worse and I think it also depends on the situation. But I also think some people mistake certain conditions, like social anxiety, as a form of shyness. And I don't think it is. I guess I am saying that being shy and having conditions like that are two different things. I am no psychologist, but I do believe they are different. But that is just my own obsevation.
I had worked at a college library at one time and felt extremely shy around the other student workers there, most of whom were girls. It was the first time I actually felt it that bad. I didn't know why. I was utterly mute and could not make any eye contact with any of them. Even if we were working at the same table. I was fine with the boss and other "adult" workers. I had no trouble talking to them. I finally started talking because on the inside I really wanted to. And soon after that I was fine and didn't have any problem at all striking up a conversation or even joking with them and having a little bit of fun with them.
I think part of the reason I have some confidence, more than others, is because I forced myself into situations where I was pretty much defenseless. I went to college over 2000 miles away from home. At first it was VERY hard. I stayed in my dorm for the most part of my first year there. It seemed I was anti-social. I wasn't, I just had a hard time making friends. And the ones I did, we were not that close. But it helped me to be able to open up a little more.
And, no, I didn't really like to be alone. I knew how to cope with being alone, and knew how to entertain myself, but I never liked it. In fact, I LOVE company. Sometimes i am okay with being alone, especially when I go somewhere like a museum or an aquarium, or places like that. But that is only because i often feel no one sees these things the way I do, thus I feel no one can share what I feel when I am at places like that. Not even my wife. I could spend hours at places like that, and my wife can't. I love flowers and enjoy going to botanical gardens. I see so much beauty in a lot of things, but my wife does not see the world as I do, nor anyone else did while growing up. So I have a tendency to want to go to places and do things alone because of that. But in my heart, I don't like to do those things alone at all. I just don't have someone to share those things with at my level.
I am a "deep" person and my emotions come from deep feelings, and I think part of my shyness comes from people not being able to relate to me at such a level. Enough for me to feel comfortable around them. Enough for THEM to feel comfortable around me as well. I had friends I had trouble holding a conversation with. To the point that they didn't listen long enough. People I thought I could feel comfortable with, but ended up getting hurt for their non attention. So I ended up hiding myself away more. I just didn't want to get hurt. Is that a form of shyness I don't know. I guess, within myself, I have varying degrees of shyness. Like I said it depends on the situation.
I hope I did not confuse anyone.
Moses
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Post by RockyRoad on Oct 8, 2004 22:07:46 GMT -5
Thank you very much for your posts. I was not confused. The two words that I flashed on while reading your post were SELF ACCEPTANCE. Someone once told me that to truely change you have to accept yourself for the way you are right now. Once you can do that then every thing will change. Sometimes I am better at believing that then other times. It's nice to be reminded that we are not just problems or defects that need to be "fixed", but human beings just trying to learn how to live our lives.
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Post by glenn miller on Oct 9, 2004 8:02:47 GMT -5
that is true. i believe in my slef. the way i am.
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Post by CaryGrant on Oct 12, 2004 11:29:07 GMT -5
Great story, Moses/RiverBoy. Thanks for telling it. I think it is easy for those more anxious to look at those who are less shy or anxious and not believe that they were once at the same level. I know I never did: "Yes, but..." was my favourite phrase. Now I'm taking an improvisational acting course (me!!), where the teacher teaches us to think, "Yes, and...." It sounds like you did that; now you say, "Yes, I am shy, and how can I cope in this situation?"
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Derrick
Full Member
Lost Soul
Posts: 241
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Post by Derrick on Oct 12, 2004 19:08:17 GMT -5
Amen Moses.. I am the same way... my shyness and introvertedness made me the way I am, and I like the way I am, one of the most compassionate, sensative, loyal people you will meet once you can crack my shell.
I also share a compassion towards the innocent.. I'm just a big kid at heart myself.
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Post by Monnlightairshadow on Oct 14, 2004 3:37:09 GMT -5
good on ya! i think u have a lot of self-respect eventhough u were treated badly...u remained true to urself. i really admire that in ppl.
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Post by Icarus X on Oct 17, 2004 23:25:44 GMT -5
I tried this for years, and managed to make a few friends in high school and college, but none since then. No girlfriends ever, except for one I met on the internet who decided as soon as she actually met me that she didn't like me. I like who I am, I just don't like being who I am. I'd like to be able to just be myself, but it's not realistic. Expecting everything to work out by just being myself is like expecting to win the lottery. Sure, it could happen, but you'd better not depend on it. So I've given up on being myself and I'm trying to be less shy. I think that's what I need to do if I'm ever going to be happy. My chances may not be great, but they're better than they'd be if I just did nothing about it and kept being myself.
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Post by riverboy on Oct 21, 2004 11:45:24 GMT -5
I like who I am, I just don't like being who I am. I'd like to be able to just be myself, but it's not realistic. Expecting everything to work out by just being myself is like expecting to win the lottery.
You know, I must be different than a lot of people. I sometimes feel I am in the wrong forum. Heck I have ALWAYS felt different than most people in the first place. I guess I see things more positively. I don't know why. I have been through a lot (not as much as some people, but still a lot), and I still go through things that are rough because I am still shy. And yet I have always managed to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe people expect too much in life. Life isn't easy. No one said it would be. But shyness is just a barrier or an obstacle that you learn to deal with as life goes on. You can either let it control you or you can control IT. I have learned to control it. And by accepting it, even embracing it, I have found that is my control.
Of course, having kids and being married have helped boost my confidence level. Once again, because I am in a situation where I HAVE to be less shy. I have two active boys who like to play a little rough and and likes me to play with them in all kinds of awkward situations. But I'll tell you, I happen to enjoy the silliness I might find myself engaging in. Even in public. I look at it this way, what other people see is a man enjoying his kids, not a man who looks stupid or embarrasing. And the more silly I look the more the kids are enjoying me. That is what is important.
I am finding out through my kids that I can be a pretty good actor. That is a dream of mine. I love to sing and I love to act out rolls for my kids. (Quite honestly it is something I did with my little brother when I was young. I did the same thing with him any time he needed some cheering up.) I can get my kids' stuffed animals and manually animate them and act like they are talking to my boys or to each other. And they LOVE it. Just recently, I was involved in a play at an amusement park here in which all of the actors were volunteers from the audience. Everything is acted out on the spot according to the narrator. My son wanted to be in it but he wanted me to be in it with him. I was very hesitant at first. Then my wife got a little mad at me for not wanting to participate in something that my son really wanted me to do. So I relunctantly said "OK". We got our costumes on and thus began my first acting roll in my life. I was very nervous at first but then I just pretended that I was just entertaining my kids. And I actually had a lot of fun. Now I have been looking in the paper for companies looking for rolls in local plays. I really believe I can be a pretty good actor.
So what am I really saying? I believe in myself, in who I am, and what I am all about. I am not perfect and there will always be situations where I may not be comfortable in. But there is a lot of me inside that I WANT to express and share. I have allowed myself to do that. There are no compromising who i am, because this IS who I am. I have learned to "let myself go." My shyness have molded me to the kind of man I am, but I have learned to take that part of me and show other people just what I have been hiding all of these years.
Once again I have found myself babbling. Did I make any sense to anyone? I hope so.
Moses
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Post by Icarus X on Oct 30, 2004 23:55:59 GMT -5
You know, I must be different than a lot of people. I sometimes feel I am in the wrong forum. Heck I have ALWAYS felt different than most people in the first place. I guess I see things more positively. I don't know why. Because things turned out well for you, and you see the world based on your experiences. It's not too hard to think positively for a while when things are going badly. But there's a limit on how long that's possible. You got lucky and things got better for you. But for everyone who thinks positively and has things work out, there are more who think positively and don't have things work out. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I'm just getting further away from it. You have a wife, and you're right, that makes a big difference. But the reason it makes a difference is that you're a lot less lonely. I am very much alone in the world, and a lot of people here are. The few people in my life are slower getting more distant from me as time goes on, just because that's the way things are. But since I'm shy, I can't make any new friends to take their place, and I certainly can't get myself a girlfriend, let alone a wife. I could try to keep thinking positely, tell myself everything will work out in the end. And it might turn out that way. But I can't take that risk, I can't risk being utterly alone for the rest of my life because I'm idealistically "being myself". I've tried being myself. It's not working. If I ever want to be happy, I have to improve my odds, and that means being less shy, so I'm trying to do that. I'm glad things have gone so well in your life, I wish it could be that easy for all of us. I do like myself the way I am, being shy. But the rest of the world doesn't. And that's the world I have to live in.
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Post by mathew on Oct 31, 2004 14:14:15 GMT -5
Yes everyone is different. Just because someone got a wife, girl friend or a social life or something even though they are shy, doesn't mean it will work out for everyone. To think differently would be thinking selfishly.
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