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Post by browneyes on Nov 7, 2004 17:31:41 GMT -5
Hi, I am new to this website and I would like to introduce myselft to everyone. I am a twenty seven year old female who has suffered with SAD all of my life. I was very shy in highschool which made me hate going to school because the anxiety overwhelmed me. While in school, I was self-conscious, thought that people were looking at me, thinking that they thought I looked and acted weird. I had and still do have poor self-esteem. My grades were poor and I never participated in any after school acitivies, although I tried out for the vollyball team once (did not get accepted)
Things, have recently gotten worse for me. I am getting older, and getting more lonelier as time passes. I often feel isolated and socially inept. I have no faith in myself or see my positive qualities. The anxiety often leads me to feel depressed and want to curl up in a hole and die.
I also contribute my current negative feelings about myself to 3 recents set ups that went no where. The guys for whatever reason, just stopped calling me. I went out with them a few times and then they just stopped talking to me. This seriously damaged my self-estem because I'm thinking "TEXT", "TEXT", "TEXT". The problem is that my insecurities get the best of me and they don't let me be myself and enjoy myself.
I have tried, in the past year to do things for myself, that I like and also to keep myself busy. So, I joined the YMCA and I enrolled in swimming lessons and joined the kickboxing classes. I also tried piano lessons, which I soon stopped doing. I also went back to school, to get my masters in Social Work.
I get down on myself very easily. I currently, I'm interested in some who works at the YMCA. Last Wednesday, I had an opportunity to talk with him, because the YMCA had a members meeting and he was there as part of the staff getting feedback from the members. Afterwards, there was refreshments, I quickly left the room and went home eventhough I so badly wanted to talk to him. My anxiety about going over to the table where the food was and having to start a conversation with this guy, who I think is really cute just overwhelmed. My fear set in big time and all I wanted to do is run. Then, I went home, beating myself about it.
I really hate being like this, I have read what many of you have said and I am sure happy for those who accept themselves for who they are. That is really a strenght that you possess and that is really important to have.
I decided to sign up so that I can learn from others who are going through the same things that I am. I read alot of your responses and I find myself relating to alot of what you are saying. Hope to hear your feedback.
Sorry, that I made my introduction long, but I just needed to express my feelings to people who understand because I have tried to talk to my family about it but they are tired and are getting fustrated with me and they don't want to hear it anymore.
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Post by glenn miller on Nov 7, 2004 17:56:51 GMT -5
in some ways i am like u.
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Post by old free guy on Nov 8, 2004 10:10:00 GMT -5
I am very much alone in the world, and a lot of people here are. The few people in my life are slower getting more distant from me as time goes on, just because that's the way things are. But since I'm shy, I can't make any new friends to take their place, and I certainly can't get myself a girlfriend, let alone a wife. I could try to keep thinking positely, tell myself everything will work out in the end. And it might turn out that way. But I can't take that risk, I can't risk being utterly alone for the rest of my life because I'm idealistically "being myself". I've tried being myself. It's not working. If I ever want to be happy, I have to improve my odds, and that means being less shy, so I'm trying to do that. I think I understand where you are coming from. Some shy people do have supportive friends and familiy to help them. They have someone to talk to. Shy people moving to new area, away from family and friends. If they are feeling lonely and want to have social life. THey have to help themselves overcome shyness to have friends. Some of us do not have close friends, we find it hard to meet new people, make friends. Fear of rejection made it more difficult.
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Post by shylock on Nov 17, 2004 22:24:37 GMT -5
Sorry, that I made my introduction long, but I just needed to express my feelings to people who understand because I have tried to talk to my family about it but they are tired and are getting fustrated with me and they don't want to hear it anymore. browneyes, I had the same experience with my family. One time I tried to explain to my mother my problems and how lonely and isolated I felt for many years. She never really understood. I think she saw it more as a phase I was going through or as immaturity on my part. But it has lasted all my life and I am now 31. Eventually she would get irritated with me so I stopped reaching out to her (which was very hard to do in the first place.) I feel she abandoned me in a way. She supports me when I act "normal" but doesn't want to hear what a lonely kid I was. So there it is. I haven't really had a serious girlfriend yet. There were some drunken encounters in college and so forth that I'd really rather forget, but that's all. I keep that a secret because I don't want to be ridiculed for it (being oversensitive). I'd like to have people believe I'm the average guy with the average number of past relationships. Its hard to keep up this facade. The thing that seems to be really stopping me now is a fear of letting anyone else really know about me. I fear that any girl I got to know would basically reject me when she found out what a strange past I had, but then if I don't take the chance I am stuck at square one. So somehow I have to get up the courage to just be honest with someone and let the chips fall where they may - go on to the next person if necessary. Part of it really is accepting, on some level, that strange, lonely kid that I was all through school. Maybe there were some good qualities to him. Maybe I can just learn to laugh about it in the sense of how silly and pointless life can be. I'm working on that.
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Post by NotEasyBeingMe on Nov 18, 2004 20:10:59 GMT -5
I have to disagree with the people who are saying they accept the fact that they are shy. I don't want to be shy, anxious, afraid of the world. I want to be the opposite of the social phobic experience I have endured all my life.
All my life I have been called a shy person, the label has been on my forehead as long as I can remember. I had (still, sometimes) problems keeping eye contact with people in a conversation. Had trouble walking through halls because of self-conscious me. You get the feeling of “now it’s the best for the world to end.” Insecurities have destroyed my world.
I am surprised that people here don't talk about medication. At all the places I go online (not many), they talk about depression and anxiety related stuff. I like coming here because I relate with your stories.
No one really knows this, even my family. I have been on Paroxetine (Paxil) for the last five weeks. Things are getting better and I have seen (about 95%) change in the last three days. I am not feeling anxious any more, I can walk through the campus without any feelings of anxiety. No more feeling of who is looking, who is judging. How crazy am I sounding now? I am able to look people in the eyes. I am talking with other people and even arguing. I am not that loyal person, yes-person trying to please everyone. To me, Paxil has been a miracle pill.
It's hard for me to understand how some people can accept being shy. We are not on Oprah, where it's about "accepting." You can accept and still not like it. For example, I have Acid Reflux Disease and accept the fact that I will have to live with it all of my life but it's not fun having heart burns. Accepting is the last step of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.) That's what I went through with Acid Reflux (feeling of why me), but I don't think I need to do that with social phobia. It's has been going on for years.
I am thankful for getting help, I am thankful for the doctor prescribing it to me. I am not happy with being shy/social anxiety disorder but accept it. Life is life, you take the necessary steps to make it easier.
(Is there an exact definition of the word “shy.”) In my case I prefer social anxiety disorder or social phobia because it’s what I have. Shy doesn’t describe all the stuff I went through. To me Shy is like euphemism for social anxiety.
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Post by Browneyes on Nov 18, 2004 23:05:48 GMT -5
I have to disagree with the people who are saying they accept the fact that they are shy. I don't want to be shy, anxious, afraid of the world. I want to be the opposite of the social phobic experience I have endured all my life.
Dear NiceEasyBeingME:
I used to feel that way, but then I read something in a text book that I had in college and it really helped me to see my shyness as a positive side of myself instead of seing it as a negative characteristic of myself. I still get fustrated and upset when I don't say what I want to say to the person I want to say it to, LIke I freeze up a lot especially around a guy I like or around a group of people I don't really know. Not to say that I don't have social anxiety disorder, but a lot of my fears come from being shy. Let me just tell you some stuff that was in the book:
It explained first about some of the characteristics of being shy, see if these describe you: 1. timid in expressing yourself 2. being overly sensitive to how others are perceiving and reacting to you 3. getting embarrassed easily 4. experiencing bodily symptoms such as blushing, upset stomach, anxiety, and racing pulse
The book goes on to say the following and I will write exactly what the book had so that I don't miss the point of what the author was trying to make.
"Shy people are often uncomfortable in social situation, especially if they become the enter of attention or if they are expected to be assertive. If you are shy, this does not necessarily have to be a problem for you. In fact, you might decide you like this quality in yourself - and so might many others who know you. Shyness becomes a problem only when you hold youself back from expressing yoursel in ways you woul like. You can learn to say and do what you would like when you are with others and still retain your shy nature." "...You can begin by challengin those perosnl fears taht keep you form expressing yourself the wary you woul like to. It is likely that one reason for your shynees is not havin the interpersonal skills that make it possible to express your feelings and thought. Put yourself in situation swhere you will be forced to make contact with people and engage in social activites, even if you find doing this is somesht scary and uncomfortable. " It helps to understand the context of your shyness, especially to identify those social situations that bring out your shy behavior. Also, it is useful to pinpoint the reason or combination of factors underlying your shyness. According to Zimbardo (1987,1994), a constellatin of factors explain shyness: being overly sensitive to negative feedback fromothers, fearing rejectio, lacking self-confidence and specific social skills, being frightened of intivmacy, and perosnal handicaps. " "A good way to identify thsoe factors taht contribute to your shyness is to keep track in yuour journal of those siturations that eclict your shy behavior. It is also helpful to write down the symptoms you expericne and what you actually do in suych situations. For example, your self-talk may be negative, actually setting you up to fail. You may say silently to yourself: "I'm ugly, so who would want anythin to do with me?" "I'd better not try somethin new, because I might look stupid."..." "Theas are the very statememnts that are likely to keep you a prisoner of your shyness and prevent you from making contact with others. You can do a lot yourself to control how our shyness affedts you by learning to challenge your self-defeating beliefs and by substituting constructive satements. Learning new ways of thinking about yourself involves self-discipline in pushing yourself to test out your new beliefs by acting in new ways. People wo have difficulty dealing with shyness often withdraw socially... If you are shy, perhaps the best first step to take is to accept this a s part of who your are. Then challenge yourself to get involved in activites and to make contact iwht others. We encourage you to monitor your thoughts, feelings, and actions to become more aware of the effects of shyness in your life.
What I get out of what the book said is TEXT empowerment. You have control over it, if you only take that steps to change. A perfect example, is what you are doing - You are takin medication, But dont' stop there. There are other thing you and all of us "SHY PEOPLE" can do to help ourselves. The realization though, is that it is probably something we will have to live with for the rest of our lives, just like you ARD. But just by changing our cognitive process a little bit we can start handling it better and feeling better about ourselves which will help us break out of our shells. Hopefully, this has helped you see that it is OK to accept being shy as a part of you and that it is not a bad thing. But I do want to make it clear, dealing with SAD has not been easy for me, I have been on Prozac before and had counseling sessions to help me deal with my fears in social situations. I just wanted to give you a different way of looking at it that could help you because when I read this part in the book, it really help me see myself in a more positive light.
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Post by browneyes on Nov 18, 2004 23:28:24 GMT -5
browneyes, I had the same experience with my family. One time I tried to explain to my mother my problems and how lonely and isolated I felt for many years. She never really understood. I think she saw it more as a phase I was going through or as immaturity on my part. But it has lasted all my life and I am now 31. Eventually she would get irritated with me so I stopped reaching out to her (which was very hard to do in the first place.) I feel she abandoned me in a way. She supports me when I act "normal" but doesn't want to hear what a lonely kid I was. So there it is. I haven't really had a serious girlfriend yet. There were some drunken encounters in college and so forth that I'd really rather forget, but that's all. I keep that a secret because I don't want to be ridiculed for it (being oversensitive). I'd like to have people believe I'm the average guy with the average number of past relationships. Its hard to keep up this facade. The thing that seems to be really stopping me now is a fear of letting anyone else really know about me. I fear that any girl I got to know would basically reject me when she found out what a strange past I had, but then if I don't take the chance I am stuck at square one. So somehow I have to get up the courage to just be honest with someone and let the chips fall where they may - go on to the next person if necessary. Part of it really is accepting, on some level, that strange, lonely kid that I was all through school. Maybe there were some good qualities to him. Maybe I can just learn to laugh about it in the sense of how silly and pointless life can be. I'm working on that. I have the same problem when I am interested in a guy. I always fear that once they know how I really am And figure out how I really was so awkward and shy in school, that they will think that I am a looser and won't be interested in me anymore. I also have the problem of thinking that I am not interesting, and I am boring, so it is like that self-fullfilling profecy. I already think negative about myselft so I already am setting up myself for failure. Lately, I have been trying to think more positive about myselft and trying to let the past go and not think about it too much.
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