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Post by princess on Oct 5, 2004 7:40:08 GMT -5
Hi new to this dont know where to start, I am 36 married to a great man and have 5 great kids but i can never make good friends always confident people who walk all over me and i wont say anything to them just give them full permission to carry on until i get fed up and dont bother with them any more. I find it very hard to ask for anything I mean anything, even with my own family, cant make phonecalls, I think what it is with me is frightened of rejection, if for instance i cant ask another couple to come on a night out incase they say no, it is so pathetic and i feel stupid all the time for being like this. To many people i come across as confident and i am not shy until i have to ask someone for something, and i feel worse as i have no friend just work collegues who has got their own friends so i feel everyone must think there is something wrong with me, even my children wonder why i have no friends. I find it very hard to do anything by myself, but if i have got somebody with me i am fine. So i cant say i am shy just wont ask for anything(even sex with my husband) it is that bad, he has always got to do the first move since i met him 10 years ago, but he genuinely loves me and does not say much about it. I have not come across this before and dont know what it is but it is getting worse and as i work afternoons and evenings i am in the house all day by myself finding it harder and harder. i would be very grateful if anyone else has heard of this. thanks
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Post by Kitten on Oct 5, 2004 9:00:50 GMT -5
I also have a problem sticking up for myself, although to a lesser degree than you do. When I was a kid, it was bad.
You don't like to ask for things because you're afraid of rejection--do you really think it's YOU they're rejecting? I'm sure you know deep down that it's not. For instance, in the case of asking the other couple to come out--they could say no, but probably because:
They're tired
They have other plans
They have a ton of housework to do
They have no money to do anything
They just want to spend time with each other, or the kids.
They just ordered Chinese, and their favorite show is on.
Whatever.
It's usually nothing personal. Maybe they think you don't want to hang out with them, since you never ask.
But the fact that you can't tell your husband what you want is a bit of a problem. What do you think he'll do, or say, if you tell him what's on your mind? Do you really trust him? If he truly loves you, he'll accept you no matter what.
I just recently told my boyfriend about my social anxiety, after 7 years. We share almost everything, but that was the one thing I was too afraid to tell him, how afraid I am all the time of social interaction and how disconnected I really feel. He knows of my depression issues, but not about the social anxiety. I guess I have a lot of pride. Why would he want a woman who's always afraid and lacks complete self-confidence? I figured he'd be turned off by what I mess I really am.
I got up the guts one day and I told him all. He didn't leave me. He didn't call me names or call me weak. He told me he'd support me. I almost felt bad for doubting him. I'm sure your husband, if he's the great man you say he is, would do the same for you.
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Post by CaryGrant on Oct 13, 2004 12:12:43 GMT -5
Great advice from Kitten. I would add that therapy would probably be very helpful for you. Like you, I struggled hugely with fears of rejection; any woman I was with had to initiate sex, I couldn't discipline my kids half the time, approaching women and asking them out is still quite difficult, I couldn't return items to stores - even when the item was clearly defective, etc., etc.
My problems stemmed from feeling unworthy, and that if I revealed who I really was, people would see my shame (I was ashamed of myself, thus didn't feel I had a right to ask for anything, from consideration to friendship).
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Post by soulestada on Dec 9, 2004 12:30:45 GMT -5
You're not alone! I have had much difficulty sticking up for myself. With me, I will tolerate the behavior until I end up exploding at the person. They get surprized when I do so, but how could they not know that their actions would bring a reaction at some time or another? There is only so much a person will tolerate....
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Post by lsdima4 on Dec 10, 2004 11:52:56 GMT -5
You may want to find some good books. One book that did it for me was "Breaking the chains of low self esteem". I read several others but never felt a breakthrogh. All books have exercises but they don't really make sense until this understanding comes. The book has alot of exaples of how and why an insecure person would feel in a certain situation that a secure person woudln't even give a second thought to. You can order books online if you are shy to buy it from a store.
The main thing I learned is not to put other people above myself, like they are right and I am wrong. I am right and they might be right but I you always have to fight for your right otherwise people will take advantage of you, its just too tempting to do this.
Also when you start to stand up for yourself, you will step on other peoples toes and they will get angry but this is perfectly normal and you should not think in terms of "please everyone" behaviour. And if you do anger someone, remember its not your fault - its theirs.
This happens especially if you have always given in before but all of a sudden refuse to.
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