My biggest dream

[Monnlightairshadow]

My biggest dream is for me to make a difference in this world but I cannot do that if I’m so locked up in my own insecurities and shyness. So I am willing to make the change, first of all by being honest about myself, I am shy and I can’t tell you why unless I tell you about my childhood and my scarred past.

I grew up in the Philippines. My father abandoned my mother and I when I was still a baby, leaving mom to take care of me. Mom and I lived with several of my relatives going from one house to another. I was raped several times by a cousin when I was six years old. I was beaten up by my auntie sveral times. Mom was too busy working, if not parting and getting drunk to notice me. She only changed her ways when she got married to my stepdad and had my half bother and when we moved here in Australia when I was 14.


We moved here in Australia to start a new family. And all seemed well in my life—but it wasn’t really. The move did help me to slowly forget the past but I had to adjust in living in a new country---and it wasn’t easy for me. The first few months, I didn’t have any friends at all but eventually gained a few friends. But then I joined the music class in Year 9, and I was terrified cos I was the only girl, and I felt tensed and paralysed being the only girl in class and I cldnt talk to boys. But eventually, I tried talking to them uneasy and nervous. The guys became my acquaintances and I’ve formed friendships with two of the guys in the class. But I still put up a wall and barrier in front of me and sometimes ignore the guys. They are confused with me because sometimes I talk to them a lot and sometimes I don’t talk to them at all. They just figure that I probably have bad mood swings, which I probably did.

But last year Year 11, I knew I had a problem, through year 8-10 I was trying to forget the past, well it doesn’t work that way. You can’t just forget being sexually abused, I’ve had nightmares, I was about to go crazy again. I was dealing with three things:

Trying to forget the past
Adjusting to a new country and culture
And trying to get over my shyness

So I consulted a therapist and was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made as it helped me a lot. I asked her if my shyness with guys has anything to do with what happened to me in the past. I mean I don’t hate guys or anything, I was just scared to talk to them and if a guy shows interest in me I kinda push them away afraid to form friendships or bf/gf relationship. This was what she told me last year:

I am naturally shy and introverted and it didn’t help that I was sexually abused by a cousin, abandoned by my father, ignored by mother, physically abused by an auntie
I have “trust issues”-since the people I loved and trusted the most has hurt me and betrayed me how can I trust anyone else?
I also have “guilt issues”; I blamed myself for what happened to me even though I shouldn’t. I also have “intimacy issues” because I was abandoned and used, I’m afraid to be rejected and for people to take me for granted so I push them away.
I have a lot of insecurities because of what happened to me and I am quite pessimistic at times
I’ve isolated myself from people and lived in my dream world because I sometimes feel worthless, useless and not deserving to be happy because I am so used to a painful life

Now, I am 18 years old turning 19 this November. I’m in Year 12-my last year of high school and I hoped that this year was going to be my best year. I'm trying to heal and forgive everyone. My cousin who raped me said sorry to me though it wasn't enough at least he sed sorry, mum and I have also reconciled with each other, and I've learned to trust ppl. and i don't blame myself about the past anymore.


My biggest dream of all is to become a social worker or psychologist so I could help women and children or even men all over the world who has been sexually abused like me especially for those who are still suffering in silence. And how can I do that if I don’t start with myself first? So yes that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to battle with my issues, increase my self-confidence and self-esteem taking small steps, no matter how long it takes!I’m going to finish Year 12 and go to college and be asocial worker and earn lots of money. And then eventually set up my own organization for women and children who’s been abused or if not I’ll join one. I hope to be succesful with this someday.

[Kitten]

Moonlightstairshadow--

Wow. I wish I could give you a big hug. It sucks that you had to endure all that has happened to you, no one should have to go through that. I feel kinda silly bitching about the things I bitch about, when the worst I've had it is that the popular kids didn't like me in school and whatnot. The fact that you have the strength to want to help other women in the same situation speaks volumes about your kind nature.

I think you'll do great. It sounds like you've worked on yourself quite a bit with the counseling, and I'm amazed that you've managed to forgive your cousin for what he's done to you. It's OK if really deep down you don't. I'm not sure if I could be that strong.

Best of luck to you! I really think you could help a lot of women. Somethign like one in four women are sexually assaulted or raped within their lifetimes, it's absolutely disgusting. Well, PM me if you ever need to talk.

Kitten

[Max Power]

Have you tried support groups? Those who have been going through the same things as you can probably help each other. A good friend of mine goes to a support group to deal with adoption and sexual abuse. Sometimes, when you help others you can also help yourself. I see you as a strong individual, shy or not. And you will be successful. The world needs more people like you.

[Monnlightairshadow]

Hi kitten-thanks for your kind words. I've forgiven my mom about neglecting me in my childhood and we have a better relationship now ur ryte about my cozin though I'm not really sure if I've forgiven my cozin for wot he did to me---it's just that I don't want to stay bitter and angry about it and wallow in self-pity cos I can't live in the past 4-ever. So i'm trying to forgive him for me to give myself a peace of mind...but forgiving him 4 wot he did i'm not sure about tht, the damage is already done, it's something tht can't be undone. i just don't consider him my cousin anymore and if i see him again...well i don't want to ever see him again. It's the same feeling i have with my father for abandoning me, I don't care about him, I don't know who he is, I've never met him and I don't think I want to either. The only real father I consider is my step dad cos he's been really supportive of me throughout all this.
And Max Power---maybe I will try support groups one day and also thanks for your kind words and encouragement

[WayoftheBraves]

Moonlight,

I'll just say I was very inspired by your story.

What inspirired me the most was not how your story was very similar to mine, but also how you turned yourself around so well. That's something myself and others have so much trouble doing, finding ourselves and figure out what to do.

[Naptaq]

i almost have tears in my eyes but im not sad.. ur story was so tuching.. like how u talk about all those awful things that happened to u and then just go like "i don't want to live in the past 4ever.." . it takes quite a person to say that
i belive that u'de do great in job as social worker or something like that-- helping other with simmilar problems.. u'de be great.. cus theres just so many good things u learned from ur bad experiences in life that u can use for ur benifit..
"what's done is done, let's take the best out of it 'and kick some ass' " soo clishe and soo true

[CaryGrant]

Thanks for sharing your story. It is very inspiring, and does make my "reasons" for being shy seem rather like...excuses. ;D

You've done an incredible job turning your life around. I think you're a remarkable person to have been able to do so in high school, and I wish you a very bright future!

[Monnlightairshadow]

wow..i can't believe i've inspired ppl well thanks...i am better now but like evryone else here I still am working on my life...I'm still shy but i'm okay with being shy and quiet but i just don't want it to get in the way of doing the things I love and want.
i guess i'm just lucky although a lot of ppl has hurt me there's been a lot of helpful ppl in my life too. and i have good family and friends. but i still have a far way to go...i still at times push ppl away especially those ones who's shown interest in wanting to be friends with me..I still have my insecurities and doubts and it makes me feel bad...and yes sometimes I think i make excuses too and I find myself selfish bcos i put a front when i get scared showing i'm not interested or i don't care when the truth is..I do care a lot about ppl and I'm interested in them as well. I feel angry and bitter at the world sometimes and blame it all in the past but i think not every decision i make in the present has got anything to do in the past. The way i see it, there is no excuse for hurting or ignoring other people just cos of the way other ppl treated me in the past, or the way i was brought up. I think we're all here to grow and learn as human beings and help one another and be capable of changing and challenging ourselves..i think life is about taking risks and going on a rollercoaster-feeling the fear and the excitment at the same time and just letting go as u step forward rather than feeling being locked up in a cage by your own fears...but well that's easier said than done...i still find myself scared of having a boyfriend...and i'm not sure if i'm ready...or maybe that's just an exucse because i'm trap in my own fears...i'm not so much scared of having a boyfriend and going out with someone..what i'm really scared of is once the person gets to know the real me...wld he still like me? I find my life so complicated and crazy as it is...but thts prolly just another excuse...everyone has problems yet tht doesn't stop them from giving love freely to someone and going for someone they like.

i could blame others all i want why I'm like this and i could just keep on hating myself and giving in to my insecurities and fears and i could hate other people for misjudging me cos i'm shy ..but in the end i'm still the one who's gonna suffer...this is still my life...and i'm the one in control of it and i'm the one making my decisions... and I'm the only one who can change me.

thanks Carygrant..u got me thinking there... i need to stop making excuses too.

[Zvezda]

Thank you very much for sharing your story with us, like the other have said it was very inspirational. And I'm sorry that you had to endure those horrific things, but you can now use those bad things to help others. And very good that you want to do that.

All I can say is keep on dreaming and keep on trying to achieve your dream. I am now studying social work, and in the past two years I have learned so much about myself, my shyness (where it comes from and how I can change it) through that course. I now am not afraid anymore to do presentations, to talk to people on the phone, to keep a conversation going etc.

So I think that can happen with you too when you choose to do this study, it can help you get further, and you will definately learn more about yourself. The key is to understand yourself, your own flaws, shortcomings together with getting to know your strong points, your strenghts. And how to use both things to help others. After all if you don't love and understand yourself how can you help someone else do the same. But you know that already since you seem to be a very wise person.

Good luck with everything and I am confident that one day you will achieve your dream/goals (as will I , I wish you all the best and all the love in this world. I think the phrase that fits you is 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'.

[Monnlightairshadow]

aw thanks heaps Zvezda!