Post by AnonYGiRL on Jan 25, 2005 2:45:53 GMT -5
Call this a diary entry. Maybe this is just for me because I feel I need to talk about it, and writing is best 4 me.
So I entered middle school with a kind of strange relationship with the girl who dumped me. She got a bunch of strange friends and I kind of clung to her because I had nothing else to do. I played with her friends, and that faded through the years. I got my first crush, and I think I made up through my imagination that he liked me too just because of certain things, but he just liked me as a friend probably.
I went over to the girl's house one last time to work on something, but it was obvious she didn't want me there. It wasn't that bad, but there were more interesting people. I made no other friends except I talked to people when they talked to me.
In middle school I had a very soft voice. This is natural; not because I am shy or introverted or whatever I am. It is just hard for me to speak loud because it isn't natural. And besides, people have good ears; they should have been able to hear me! But anyways, during that time I met another shy girl in church. For some odd reason I had the guts to ask her if she was shy--I forget why and she said yes. And I said I was too. And that was that. And she made friends quicker than me. And became not so shy. I guess she wasn't truely shy. . .
I was made fun of a lot in middle school due to my soft voice, but I laughed at it because I knew it was so stupid, but people actually took the bullies side. Uhhhh, yeah. Come on. People took their problems out on me. But it only was in 6th grade.
I had a group of people I ate with. I forget how I got with it. I think it was when one of them wanted to be my friend in elementary school (bless them) and I got with them. I don't know how I stayed with them for 3 years but I did. But I had recess with others.
I think in 8th grade I had recess alone. But funny thing is, I never really minded my situation in middle school either. I think I almost preferred it. To this day I still do things better alone. I get messed up and passive with other people.
My main motif in middle school was that I talked with a lot of people, but it never went so far as to say: "Hey let's go out for pizza, or "I'll call you tonight" or something. It was always talk and no action. If there would have been action, they would have been mediocrely pleased.
People began liking me more and more as the years went on. I was popular because of how I was. And how nice I was, but, still no real friends except for the one constant I had always had.
But that ended. In 8th grade at the end she invited me to a dance that she was going to. I was kind of out of it and didn't know anyone and I was one of the oldest and stuff and I wasn't doing anything. I followed her around a lot, and finally I just wandered. She tried to get me to do stuff, but it just wasn't working with all the cliques already done. It wasn't my scene, I thought. I just wanted to hang with her. The car ride was quiet. And about 3 weeks later, she never called again, and I had no reason to call because I had no ideas. We seemed to have run out of ideas. That was it. The end.
I still don't really know why we stopped talking but I can imagine.
In middle school I had this girl that really tried to get me to talk more. I did--for her. But then I stopped when she lost interest.
I then had this guy who liked me, but he didn't know how to treat girls. I guess I thought it was hillarious and stupid back then, but now I know that the school thought he was sexually harrassing me with signals and stuff. So he got in trouble and by graduation was nicer to me.
I was always considered "cool". I was like a cool quiet person, I guess. That was why I was not always bullied. Not really bullied, but attempted to be bullied. Teachers loved me.
I asserted myself in loud quiet ways. That was how I got known. I guess I am just shy in talking and initiative in middle school, but nothing else.
My problem in middle school was just that I could think of nothing to say. Even when spoken to. . conversation never went too much anywhere.
I got very jealous in middle school when my crush talked to other girls. Deathly jealous. I kept a temporary diary and called this one beautiful girl he flirted with every name in the book. She was the most beautiful girl in school. It was amazing, really. She didn't even have to be in school; she could have been a model. I heard rumors that her mother was gorgeous as hell. that made me feel good as a stuffed up nose.
Luckily they never went out. I never said a word. I just stared. And seethed. I felt like everyone knew I liked him and wasn't saying anything because of "do unto others as others do unto you".
I remember when people said stuff to me later on in 7th grade I kind of brushed it off if I didn't like it. People started saying hi to me in the hallway loud and giving me the cool hand greeting. I gave it to them back, but nothing of it. It was weird. Not many people got it. I know it was an attempt to get me to not be so quiet. I guess you could say I had wonderful and bitchy classmates.
I made friends with the serious outcast (I was never really an outcast in the full definition, just borderline). A little bit. I thought she was weird too. I tried not to talk to her too much. My mom, knowing a bit about my lack of friends then, told me to not talk to her! She eventually changed schools because no one would talk to her and I wouldn't be surprised if she isn't alive today. . . sorry but that is how I felt in middle school.
So I graduated middle school with no friends. And I personally didn't care. That was my life and I liked my life. It was around this time that I was determined to not let my family know how I was. Determined to make them think I wasn't all secluded from the rest of the town. And this charade would pick up the pace as I got older, especially in college. That was when I became smart enough to make her totally believe the charade.
Regrets? Yeah. I wish during the times my crush had "given signals" I would have said something sexy. I wish I would have told someone I liked him. I wish I could have said more stuff and been more conscious of myself. I wish I could have displayed more humor. Asked more questions. Well then I couldn't. We all need time machines. I wish I would have joined drama. I just never thought I would blend in with everyone else so I didn't. I was 11-14 so what did I know, really.
It feels good to get this out to people who are on the same wavelength.
So I entered middle school with a kind of strange relationship with the girl who dumped me. She got a bunch of strange friends and I kind of clung to her because I had nothing else to do. I played with her friends, and that faded through the years. I got my first crush, and I think I made up through my imagination that he liked me too just because of certain things, but he just liked me as a friend probably.
I went over to the girl's house one last time to work on something, but it was obvious she didn't want me there. It wasn't that bad, but there were more interesting people. I made no other friends except I talked to people when they talked to me.
In middle school I had a very soft voice. This is natural; not because I am shy or introverted or whatever I am. It is just hard for me to speak loud because it isn't natural. And besides, people have good ears; they should have been able to hear me! But anyways, during that time I met another shy girl in church. For some odd reason I had the guts to ask her if she was shy--I forget why and she said yes. And I said I was too. And that was that. And she made friends quicker than me. And became not so shy. I guess she wasn't truely shy. . .
I was made fun of a lot in middle school due to my soft voice, but I laughed at it because I knew it was so stupid, but people actually took the bullies side. Uhhhh, yeah. Come on. People took their problems out on me. But it only was in 6th grade.
I had a group of people I ate with. I forget how I got with it. I think it was when one of them wanted to be my friend in elementary school (bless them) and I got with them. I don't know how I stayed with them for 3 years but I did. But I had recess with others.
I think in 8th grade I had recess alone. But funny thing is, I never really minded my situation in middle school either. I think I almost preferred it. To this day I still do things better alone. I get messed up and passive with other people.
My main motif in middle school was that I talked with a lot of people, but it never went so far as to say: "Hey let's go out for pizza, or "I'll call you tonight" or something. It was always talk and no action. If there would have been action, they would have been mediocrely pleased.
People began liking me more and more as the years went on. I was popular because of how I was. And how nice I was, but, still no real friends except for the one constant I had always had.
But that ended. In 8th grade at the end she invited me to a dance that she was going to. I was kind of out of it and didn't know anyone and I was one of the oldest and stuff and I wasn't doing anything. I followed her around a lot, and finally I just wandered. She tried to get me to do stuff, but it just wasn't working with all the cliques already done. It wasn't my scene, I thought. I just wanted to hang with her. The car ride was quiet. And about 3 weeks later, she never called again, and I had no reason to call because I had no ideas. We seemed to have run out of ideas. That was it. The end.
I still don't really know why we stopped talking but I can imagine.
In middle school I had this girl that really tried to get me to talk more. I did--for her. But then I stopped when she lost interest.
I then had this guy who liked me, but he didn't know how to treat girls. I guess I thought it was hillarious and stupid back then, but now I know that the school thought he was sexually harrassing me with signals and stuff. So he got in trouble and by graduation was nicer to me.
I was always considered "cool". I was like a cool quiet person, I guess. That was why I was not always bullied. Not really bullied, but attempted to be bullied. Teachers loved me.
I asserted myself in loud quiet ways. That was how I got known. I guess I am just shy in talking and initiative in middle school, but nothing else.
My problem in middle school was just that I could think of nothing to say. Even when spoken to. . conversation never went too much anywhere.
I got very jealous in middle school when my crush talked to other girls. Deathly jealous. I kept a temporary diary and called this one beautiful girl he flirted with every name in the book. She was the most beautiful girl in school. It was amazing, really. She didn't even have to be in school; she could have been a model. I heard rumors that her mother was gorgeous as hell. that made me feel good as a stuffed up nose.
Luckily they never went out. I never said a word. I just stared. And seethed. I felt like everyone knew I liked him and wasn't saying anything because of "do unto others as others do unto you".
I remember when people said stuff to me later on in 7th grade I kind of brushed it off if I didn't like it. People started saying hi to me in the hallway loud and giving me the cool hand greeting. I gave it to them back, but nothing of it. It was weird. Not many people got it. I know it was an attempt to get me to not be so quiet. I guess you could say I had wonderful and bitchy classmates.
I made friends with the serious outcast (I was never really an outcast in the full definition, just borderline). A little bit. I thought she was weird too. I tried not to talk to her too much. My mom, knowing a bit about my lack of friends then, told me to not talk to her! She eventually changed schools because no one would talk to her and I wouldn't be surprised if she isn't alive today. . . sorry but that is how I felt in middle school.
So I graduated middle school with no friends. And I personally didn't care. That was my life and I liked my life. It was around this time that I was determined to not let my family know how I was. Determined to make them think I wasn't all secluded from the rest of the town. And this charade would pick up the pace as I got older, especially in college. That was when I became smart enough to make her totally believe the charade.
Regrets? Yeah. I wish during the times my crush had "given signals" I would have said something sexy. I wish I would have told someone I liked him. I wish I could have said more stuff and been more conscious of myself. I wish I could have displayed more humor. Asked more questions. Well then I couldn't. We all need time machines. I wish I would have joined drama. I just never thought I would blend in with everyone else so I didn't. I was 11-14 so what did I know, really.
It feels good to get this out to people who are on the same wavelength.
Cool to be here.