Post by AnonYGiRL on Jan 26, 2005 2:01:54 GMT -5
I feel like a dork making another post, but I want to make it. Another personal diary entry. I won't make one for college because I just got here so, yeah. It kind of blends, my summer before college and high school, as well as maybe the first 2 months.
I actually talked to more people in high school, becaue they talked to me. Every guy that talked to me, I got a huge crush on. Every guy who looked at me, I got a crush on. Probably because I wanted to talk to them but had nothing to say to them. In the middle of 9th grade, I developed even more jealousy for girls flirting with my short-lived crushes and I developed a new way of talking: my eyes. I always talked with my eyes. After talking with someone, the next day I would talk to them with my eyes: some deep stare that said everything. And sometimes an avoidance. Sometimes my life was normal. . . except no invites to houses.
At this point I was separated from my old close friends, but was with the lunch group from middle school. At first I sat alone, but then I decided to plunk next to them. I don't recall for some reason the order of events of my lunch groupness, but at one point I did not sit with them anymore. I forget why, but I sat with a girl and her younger friends. I forget how we met, but we were good buddies. I talked to her, but listened a lot. I enjoyed it. But then we grew apart as she grew closer to the younger people. I forget how we split up. After lunch I just hung around alone, mostly watching people go by, or looking at stuff. No one minded.
I got involved in something, and I was no way shy in it. I never talked to anyone, but I put my whole heart into it. But the group was close knit, and somehow, though it was stereotypical for the whole group to become a huge incestual family, persay, I never was. There were a few people like me, but none as bad. They had good friends, though they put themselves down.
As an upperclassman I started deliberately definitely not looking people in the eye. My cycle was all convulted with eye stuff, I know. I parked off school and walked to the school with people behind me, never saying anything. Perhaps that was natural. My problem was still never close. Also as an upperclassman I developed some serious delusions that were really weird and unfounded. I knew it, but I wanted to persue them. And at the same time I felt they were founded. Yep you guessed it. Had to do with a guy.
I became really well known around the high school as quiet, both word of mouth and personal experience with me. And it certainly didn't help that in class I didn't know the answers a lot of times so I couldn't respond. That helped fan the flames, but I'm just not too cut out for academics.
Finally, senior year I made friends with a girl through that group I never really got knitted into. And I think I will be friends with her for life. I think I can keep this one. I think we are both mature enough. I have gotten louder. So probably. Except I was still afraid with her.
Senior year I also got to be good friends with people from AP classes, but I think they were scared of my reputation and thought it wasn't worth it. I talked a lot in class too; wasn't afraid to do that. But nothing. Got invited to grad parties, but I knew what would happen. I went to one just to test to see if I was wrong. I was right. No one there; I sat and talked with funky people. I do best with funky people, actually. With strangers I am great and bubbly, but with people I know, I just ran out of things to say. And amazingly, I was also friendly. I think after junior year I blossomed.
The theme of high school was this: I always stood alone, walked alone, crushed alone, studied alone. Until I found her. Funny thing is, I don't think anyone will ever forget me.
When I see those people from high school, we say hi, and have conversations, and I ask the questions. But nothing happens. It is hard to break away from conventional questions. Sometimes I ignore some people. In one sense I have matured I guess, and in another I really need some work. I need to stop ignoring people. But sometimes when I glance at them, it looks like they want to ignore me right back.
It is like I set the pot to boil, but the fire can never be sparked by the switch long enough to hold, and soon the boiling pot is dumped in the sink. All I know is that I have one great friend now and we are close, and I have people I talk to in passing, so that is better than nothing.
I really think I should start an LJ or Xanga. But that is an extremely personal decision as to why I don't.
I think a lot of my situations at the end of high school did not have to do with shyness or quietness. Big step I think. I am most proud of always being myself. I was never not myself. Maybe that was why I was more popular as years progressed.
And that concludes my entries. This was mostly for me, more than for anyone else. Getting it out in the open for people in similar situations or synominous ones does something for me; don't know exactly what.
I actually talked to more people in high school, becaue they talked to me. Every guy that talked to me, I got a huge crush on. Every guy who looked at me, I got a crush on. Probably because I wanted to talk to them but had nothing to say to them. In the middle of 9th grade, I developed even more jealousy for girls flirting with my short-lived crushes and I developed a new way of talking: my eyes. I always talked with my eyes. After talking with someone, the next day I would talk to them with my eyes: some deep stare that said everything. And sometimes an avoidance. Sometimes my life was normal. . . except no invites to houses.
At this point I was separated from my old close friends, but was with the lunch group from middle school. At first I sat alone, but then I decided to plunk next to them. I don't recall for some reason the order of events of my lunch groupness, but at one point I did not sit with them anymore. I forget why, but I sat with a girl and her younger friends. I forget how we met, but we were good buddies. I talked to her, but listened a lot. I enjoyed it. But then we grew apart as she grew closer to the younger people. I forget how we split up. After lunch I just hung around alone, mostly watching people go by, or looking at stuff. No one minded.
I got involved in something, and I was no way shy in it. I never talked to anyone, but I put my whole heart into it. But the group was close knit, and somehow, though it was stereotypical for the whole group to become a huge incestual family, persay, I never was. There were a few people like me, but none as bad. They had good friends, though they put themselves down.
As an upperclassman I started deliberately definitely not looking people in the eye. My cycle was all convulted with eye stuff, I know. I parked off school and walked to the school with people behind me, never saying anything. Perhaps that was natural. My problem was still never close. Also as an upperclassman I developed some serious delusions that were really weird and unfounded. I knew it, but I wanted to persue them. And at the same time I felt they were founded. Yep you guessed it. Had to do with a guy.
I became really well known around the high school as quiet, both word of mouth and personal experience with me. And it certainly didn't help that in class I didn't know the answers a lot of times so I couldn't respond. That helped fan the flames, but I'm just not too cut out for academics.
Finally, senior year I made friends with a girl through that group I never really got knitted into. And I think I will be friends with her for life. I think I can keep this one. I think we are both mature enough. I have gotten louder. So probably. Except I was still afraid with her.
Senior year I also got to be good friends with people from AP classes, but I think they were scared of my reputation and thought it wasn't worth it. I talked a lot in class too; wasn't afraid to do that. But nothing. Got invited to grad parties, but I knew what would happen. I went to one just to test to see if I was wrong. I was right. No one there; I sat and talked with funky people. I do best with funky people, actually. With strangers I am great and bubbly, but with people I know, I just ran out of things to say. And amazingly, I was also friendly. I think after junior year I blossomed.
The theme of high school was this: I always stood alone, walked alone, crushed alone, studied alone. Until I found her. Funny thing is, I don't think anyone will ever forget me.
When I see those people from high school, we say hi, and have conversations, and I ask the questions. But nothing happens. It is hard to break away from conventional questions. Sometimes I ignore some people. In one sense I have matured I guess, and in another I really need some work. I need to stop ignoring people. But sometimes when I glance at them, it looks like they want to ignore me right back.
It is like I set the pot to boil, but the fire can never be sparked by the switch long enough to hold, and soon the boiling pot is dumped in the sink. All I know is that I have one great friend now and we are close, and I have people I talk to in passing, so that is better than nothing.
I really think I should start an LJ or Xanga. But that is an extremely personal decision as to why I don't.
I think a lot of my situations at the end of high school did not have to do with shyness or quietness. Big step I think. I am most proud of always being myself. I was never not myself. Maybe that was why I was more popular as years progressed.
And that concludes my entries. This was mostly for me, more than for anyone else. Getting it out in the open for people in similar situations or synominous ones does something for me; don't know exactly what.
This is a little like David Copperfield ( Chapter 1: I am born)