Post by Me again thought entry on Feb 5, 2005 19:34:00 GMT -5
By reading most of the diaries I notice they are all collected stories of the past. Life stories, Tragic events, either focal points or significant moments in our everyday lives.
I really didn't know what to post and where I would do it. But, I decided to put it here. It is neither a topic of genrallity (if that is a word) but more of a diary entry of my thoughts and i'm probably not the first to do this either. (don't mind me if I sound crazy or anything. I'm just discussing things in my head through this post)
A couple of weeks ago I decided to come here for the weekend (my grandma's house) out in the country to get away from the busy streets and city of Toronto. I had just been thinking alot about life lately after reading many of the shy united posts. I have alot of questions in my mind. I just needed to express my thoughts although I could've done it easily on any notepad file. I just thought it would mean alot more to me mentally if I placed it on a website.
Why do I act the way I do when something that means so much to me is left to drift away. As I recall I was always shy since I was 7. I still am now, although coming out of disarrayment something still bothers me inside. That is, why have I been able to over come so much in life and yet, the same thing stops me every time from acheiving my goal of social security. I may seem very confident now on this computer but that is because my whole life revolved around the computer, the net, an artificial link inwhich interconnects with all others across the world. A network of communication. I want to get intune with the real world although my emotions stop me. Although, I know when I walk away from this place I won't have the courage or confidence to speak to any other person as I do now. So that raises the question what is courage? confidence? or social security? what does it mean? Fear is what stops me from saying hi. But, even if I ignore the fear and say hi(without confidence), it would be the same thing as to if I never said anything at all. A neutral or possibly a negetive. Even so, by saying "hi" it would eliminate some insecurity which exist within me so that I may be more comfortable with it. One thing I've noticed in life is that if you say something with confidence, people are more likely to feel more welcomed and less awkward then if you were to say the same thing without confidence.
[Read at own risk from this point on (it turns into philosophy)]
Expressing myself on something that can record my actions appears very much strange to me. I have the ability to go back and correct myself and be able to edit my work so that I can say only the things I want people to hear. I think if I never edited anything everything would come out much more strange than it already is(btw hope your not bored, if you are stop now). When I think of life, its like a mystery. It always seems to appear full of questions yet we are always the ones to find the answers. Like a mathematician finding the equation to a question of unbound possibilities. But, life isn't math, since it doesn't always follow rules like our minds. Our minds follow our instincts. Instincts are our emotions which leads us to believe what is right and wrong. But, if our minds don't follow a pattern then what is right and wrong? Is it wrong if we say something stupid and in our belief it is, but that is only because we assume that it is. What's stupid? something awkward or out of the ordinary. Then what if someone told me something even more awkward than what I am saying now. If I were to hear that from him then it wouldn't seem so awkward to me because that person is actually doing something that I assume he is comfortable with, and if he is is comfortable with it then it mustn't be strange because he actually said it. But, if I were to think about saying something less out of the ordinary I would feel more stupid about saying what I have to say than feeling that what the person said was more stupid than my own words.
[Back to real world]
Anyways, I am back to thinking like myself again. If you did read that section I think that just meant in simple words: I shouldn't think about what I say because in the end, it wont seem that weird because the other person is most likely to believe that I know what i'm doing in saying it because I am comfortable with it in his/her eyes.
Back to free writing my diary. When I found this site, it just gave me like twice more space to think. I don't know if thinking is a good thing or if its a bad thing. Or it can be both. Because if we don't think and let our second nature take its course while we talk to someone. It leads into a perfect conversation. I believe that thinking should only be used as an aid so that you may be self conscious about what you say and how it will affect other people's feelings. We can't like, let it take over our lives and drive us into some dark place where we won't speak to anyone on the planet again (atleast face to face). Its easy to say and hard to do. But, if there is no effort put in it, then there is no progress made.
I'm feeling very uncomfortable with most of the things I've said so far on this site. Mostly because I havent given time for people to reply and also because I don't know most of you yet (hope to in the future). But, I am glad I said those things because I'm really tired of telling myself "I can't do this", "What if" "I don't know" and "I'm not sure". I've got to be sure... atleast sure about one thing in life, and lets just say I made one of those things this thought/diary entry.
I really didn't know what to post and where I would do it. But, I decided to put it here. It is neither a topic of genrallity (if that is a word) but more of a diary entry of my thoughts and i'm probably not the first to do this either. (don't mind me if I sound crazy or anything. I'm just discussing things in my head through this post)
A couple of weeks ago I decided to come here for the weekend (my grandma's house) out in the country to get away from the busy streets and city of Toronto. I had just been thinking alot about life lately after reading many of the shy united posts. I have alot of questions in my mind. I just needed to express my thoughts although I could've done it easily on any notepad file. I just thought it would mean alot more to me mentally if I placed it on a website.
Why do I act the way I do when something that means so much to me is left to drift away. As I recall I was always shy since I was 7. I still am now, although coming out of disarrayment something still bothers me inside. That is, why have I been able to over come so much in life and yet, the same thing stops me every time from acheiving my goal of social security. I may seem very confident now on this computer but that is because my whole life revolved around the computer, the net, an artificial link inwhich interconnects with all others across the world. A network of communication. I want to get intune with the real world although my emotions stop me. Although, I know when I walk away from this place I won't have the courage or confidence to speak to any other person as I do now. So that raises the question what is courage? confidence? or social security? what does it mean? Fear is what stops me from saying hi. But, even if I ignore the fear and say hi(without confidence), it would be the same thing as to if I never said anything at all. A neutral or possibly a negetive. Even so, by saying "hi" it would eliminate some insecurity which exist within me so that I may be more comfortable with it. One thing I've noticed in life is that if you say something with confidence, people are more likely to feel more welcomed and less awkward then if you were to say the same thing without confidence.
[Read at own risk from this point on (it turns into philosophy)]
Expressing myself on something that can record my actions appears very much strange to me. I have the ability to go back and correct myself and be able to edit my work so that I can say only the things I want people to hear. I think if I never edited anything everything would come out much more strange than it already is(btw hope your not bored, if you are stop now). When I think of life, its like a mystery. It always seems to appear full of questions yet we are always the ones to find the answers. Like a mathematician finding the equation to a question of unbound possibilities. But, life isn't math, since it doesn't always follow rules like our minds. Our minds follow our instincts. Instincts are our emotions which leads us to believe what is right and wrong. But, if our minds don't follow a pattern then what is right and wrong? Is it wrong if we say something stupid and in our belief it is, but that is only because we assume that it is. What's stupid? something awkward or out of the ordinary. Then what if someone told me something even more awkward than what I am saying now. If I were to hear that from him then it wouldn't seem so awkward to me because that person is actually doing something that I assume he is comfortable with, and if he is is comfortable with it then it mustn't be strange because he actually said it. But, if I were to think about saying something less out of the ordinary I would feel more stupid about saying what I have to say than feeling that what the person said was more stupid than my own words.
[Back to real world]
Anyways, I am back to thinking like myself again. If you did read that section I think that just meant in simple words: I shouldn't think about what I say because in the end, it wont seem that weird because the other person is most likely to believe that I know what i'm doing in saying it because I am comfortable with it in his/her eyes.
Back to free writing my diary. When I found this site, it just gave me like twice more space to think. I don't know if thinking is a good thing or if its a bad thing. Or it can be both. Because if we don't think and let our second nature take its course while we talk to someone. It leads into a perfect conversation. I believe that thinking should only be used as an aid so that you may be self conscious about what you say and how it will affect other people's feelings. We can't like, let it take over our lives and drive us into some dark place where we won't speak to anyone on the planet again (atleast face to face). Its easy to say and hard to do. But, if there is no effort put in it, then there is no progress made.
I'm feeling very uncomfortable with most of the things I've said so far on this site. Mostly because I havent given time for people to reply and also because I don't know most of you yet (hope to in the future). But, I am glad I said those things because I'm really tired of telling myself "I can't do this", "What if" "I don't know" and "I'm not sure". I've got to be sure... atleast sure about one thing in life, and lets just say I made one of those things this thought/diary entry.
I myself stay very quiet most of the time, in school anyway, because most of what is going on isn't that important to me. Whenever something I feel very strong about comes up though, I let my voice be heard. That's very important, and you'll feel great after doing so