Post by zaab on Feb 6, 2005 0:10:55 GMT -5
I've been lurking for a day or two now, so I thought I'd post this as a way of introduction.
I zon't know why I'm shy. I can look at my family history and see some genetic evidence as to why I would tend to feel scared in social situations. Smokers, drinkers, lots of high strung and cautious people with plain and cautious lives, a great uncle institutionalized for depression, some who offed themselves with liquid courage. But screw that, who needs it, I'm pretty determined to live a life circumventing my so called genetic destiny.
My first two memories are pretty metaphoric at that. I have this crib memory of looking through the rungs desiring nothing more than my freedom and feeling thoroughly confined and agitated. I don't know the circumstances and I'm baffled how I can describe this feeling or that I was capable of having it.
My second memory is of being a three year old staying at my father's bosses' cabin at a lake, riding on his speed boat that day, a little thrilling, a bit scary. We're on shore and I make a mad dash for the dock. I run straight off the end of it and make like superman and plunge into the water. I'm engulfed in green and bubbly things and am systematically drowning. My mom runs in and picks me up out of the couple feet of water I'm flailing in. We go back to the cabin, the bosses' wife in a seventies style house dress, and I dry off and rehabilitate.
Fast forward to kindergarten. I walk around the class in a daze half the time, practically a mute. I'm not sure I connected with anyone at the time. I only remember wanting to do lots of things but not being able to quite get myself to. I had a rich fantasy life that I had a hard time emerging from to face the real world.
First years of school noone really had a clue what to do with me. I read many years later of a child who needs lots of special attention so it is recommended that he be kept in the kind of special classes where he can receive that special care he so needs. It was a load of shit but what could I do. I had a full awareness of how I was being marginalized. I spent playground time either alone in full fantasy mode or with a select group of bizarre misfits who I didn't quite understand. I looked at the "together" kids playing football or kickball and wondered how I could penetrate that and become a part, but didn't have the first clue. I was already far removed from them in the classroom.
Subsequent years I must've shown evidence that I wasn't quite as special as they thought since they shifted me into a class of the mildly doltish instead of full out imbeciles. For some reason I got shifted back and forth year after year (or month after month). I got supplemental help in remedial gym and speech therapy. I ate my lunch too slow too. I got an extra special job stapling the school newspaper in fifth grade because my teacher thought it would be nice if I got involved. Oh how I hated those years!
To be continued....
I zon't know why I'm shy. I can look at my family history and see some genetic evidence as to why I would tend to feel scared in social situations. Smokers, drinkers, lots of high strung and cautious people with plain and cautious lives, a great uncle institutionalized for depression, some who offed themselves with liquid courage. But screw that, who needs it, I'm pretty determined to live a life circumventing my so called genetic destiny.
My first two memories are pretty metaphoric at that. I have this crib memory of looking through the rungs desiring nothing more than my freedom and feeling thoroughly confined and agitated. I don't know the circumstances and I'm baffled how I can describe this feeling or that I was capable of having it.
My second memory is of being a three year old staying at my father's bosses' cabin at a lake, riding on his speed boat that day, a little thrilling, a bit scary. We're on shore and I make a mad dash for the dock. I run straight off the end of it and make like superman and plunge into the water. I'm engulfed in green and bubbly things and am systematically drowning. My mom runs in and picks me up out of the couple feet of water I'm flailing in. We go back to the cabin, the bosses' wife in a seventies style house dress, and I dry off and rehabilitate.
Fast forward to kindergarten. I walk around the class in a daze half the time, practically a mute. I'm not sure I connected with anyone at the time. I only remember wanting to do lots of things but not being able to quite get myself to. I had a rich fantasy life that I had a hard time emerging from to face the real world.
First years of school noone really had a clue what to do with me. I read many years later of a child who needs lots of special attention so it is recommended that he be kept in the kind of special classes where he can receive that special care he so needs. It was a load of shit but what could I do. I had a full awareness of how I was being marginalized. I spent playground time either alone in full fantasy mode or with a select group of bizarre misfits who I didn't quite understand. I looked at the "together" kids playing football or kickball and wondered how I could penetrate that and become a part, but didn't have the first clue. I was already far removed from them in the classroom.
Subsequent years I must've shown evidence that I wasn't quite as special as they thought since they shifted me into a class of the mildly doltish instead of full out imbeciles. For some reason I got shifted back and forth year after year (or month after month). I got supplemental help in remedial gym and speech therapy. I ate my lunch too slow too. I got an extra special job stapling the school newspaper in fifth grade because my teacher thought it would be nice if I got involved. Oh how I hated those years!
To be continued....
