Tired of the same old thing

[catherine]

I've always been especially uncomfortable in situations where i'm in a big group of new people. this used to happen all the time when i had to spend holidays with my extended family. the most awkward and dreaded experiences of my life. i never grew close to them and never got away from feeling like an outsider.
i thought i had gotten better about it but it turns out i just havn't been in that situation for a while. i usually hang out with the same small group of friends because thats who im comfortable with. but this thanksgiving my friend invited me to come with him to have dinner with one of his friends' family. afraid i would react as i always do, i tried to get out of going, but he convinced me to come. as expected, i hardly said 2 words to anyone all night. i was the awkward girl sitting with everyone trying to blend in, but knowing everyone else must think im some kind of a mute freak, or a bitch or something. afterward i felt like i disappointed my friend, and as always i felt like i would only be remembered as the girl who never said anything...if remembered at all.
i hate this feeling of failure thats repeated the same exact way every time im in one of these uncomfortable settings. i want to get to know the people im with, and in my head i see how it could be better, but at the same time i blank out when a chance for conversation arises. im afraid of rejection and consumed with what others think of me. i dont know how to get past this and just force myself to be more outgoing. i've been reading other threads but i felt i just needed to share my own personal issues.

[frillow]

Me too!!! Well, sort of.

This Thanksgiving was horrible for me! I'm in my 2nd year in college, and ever since I've been in college my aunt has been telling me that I've been starting to talk more (and better) since I'm usually uncomfortable talking with anyone I don't know VERY well. I thought I was getting better too, but I realize I'm only getting better talking to those that I know somewhat. This past thanksgiving, I went to my (divorced) mom's boyfriend's house... he had about 30 relatives there. So it was me, my mom, and 30 people that all knew each other that I have never met before. I went into it with a positive attitude.. I thought I was better at the talking-with-new-groups-of-people thing, and I wanted to make a good impression and show my mom I could be like everyone else... apparently I wasn't. The only things I really said were "hello", "I'm...", "goodbye", and "thank you"... I ended up being exactly what I didn't want to be.. the quiet and boring awkward girl who sits there and says nothing. My mom asked one of the relatives there (another college kid) if he had met me and talked to me at all... he said, "She's too shy to talk to". That's true. At least he knew who I was... No wonder I only have a few friends in college.

I always hope for something good to happen... and I always just disappoint myself because it doesn't happen the way I imagined it would... I always think I could've done better. I regret not talking to people when I could have, but I just never know what to say or what others will think of what I say. I definitely felt like a a failure, too... it's sooo hard, people are always like "JUST TALK!!" , "It doesn't matter what you say, say anything!", "You could talk more if you really wanted to"... some people just don't understand how hard it is.

This probably didn't help you.. but it just sounded similar to your story so I wanted to share it. I'm tired of the same old thing, and I don't know how to get past it, either. :-(

[andy83]

This all sounds a lot like me as well.

I'm fine with my mates and at times can even be the most chatty of the lot of us but with people I don't know (especially big groups) I'm so different, I just don't know how to break into a conversation. I think it can depend on the people though, some people make me feel more awkward than others but I have no idea why.

[catherine]

its good to hear others have similar issues. i mean, it sucks, but at least its comforting
i agree andy, when u said some people make you feel more uncomfortable than others. im the same way, usually its intimidating people like very outgoing and especially cocky ones, that i stay away from. i feel like they already think they're better than everyone else so they're definately going to judge me. its stupid. i think i have the same reasoning for snotty rich people. they usually intimidate me.
its sad because i know all this is stupid, i should just forget about what others think and go and live my life, but its so hard to let go of all these feelings i've had since i can remember.

[andy83]

I always try to steer clear of people who think they're superior. Often it's the outgoing people who can make it a little easier to be dragged into a conversation. People who ask a couple of questions and show a bit of genuine interest can be make me able to speak out a little more but then at other times it feels really uncomfortable.

Shyness is really illogical - it sucks.

[atomic9999]

Yeah, you ain't kiddin, bud!

[latinking]

i have the same old problem, i cant handle being in front of so many people i dont know, i try to avoid places where there is people..even the malls, id rather shop fro things online then go to the mall.. its something im working on though because its really irritating and im tired of it

[melissaqu]

Gosh I'm happy I found this place. Everything that was said in this thread, almost everything, I can relate to completely. It sux being in this situation but at least we know what we're going through.

I hate those social situations too. I just had a bad experience about an hour ago. I went to work, even though I'm off today, to throw a girl a baby shower who's leaving. I just got married so one of the girls said, "Ohh Melissa you're next, are you sure you're not pregnant?" I got so embarrassed that I blushed and it's so damned embarrassing! And they stare at you more when you're red so it makes it even worse. I just wonder why that has to happen. The only ways people can tell that I'm embarrassed is when I turn red, which is often. If that didn't happen I could totally hide my embarrassment and anxiety with out anyone knowing.

[annaa]

Although it feels like nothing changes, I looked at the introductions board earlier and read the questions I answered.
I was really quite surprised at how different things are now (and it's not even been a whole year).

[no shoes]

I can relate to that story

I joined a sailing program with a bunch of other people around my age, and I like to sail, but I didnt really want to be around another 50 all the time. And we go on sailing trips with about 20 of us on one big boat for long periods of time, which I really dont like. I hardy say anything and I guess everybody looks at me like Im a mute. Some people even thought I was dum and I had to speak sign language.
As people like ourselves go through this, its just another thing in life that we must work at to inprove. I guess the only thing to do is to get comfortable and talk.

[bbarn]

recently i went down to california for my cousins funeral and when i was sitting around my extended family, they all just talked and talked about anything really even random things while i really did not have anything to say. I kinda secluded myself away from them and sat further away with all the aunts and uncles while all the cousins were on the opposite side of the room. It was comforting when they tried to include me in some of their conversations even from the opposite side of the room but i siill felt tongue tied. These people were my family but i've only met them a year ago and i still felt kind of awkward and uncomfortable trying to hide my face as i was blushing and pretending to do things when i really wasn't doing anything at all

[shyscorpio31]

andy83 said:

Shyness is really illogical - it sucks.

Agrees!!

[Rose]

I'm always quiet at family gatherings/parties. I've kinda gotten used to it. It's not that I'm really uncomfortable, I just can't think of anything to say that doesn't sound dead-ended or awkward, so I don't talk. I often feel like I'm out of place and shouldn't be there taking up space with my untalkativeness, and I usually end up wandering around, sometimes worrying if I look rude, but ultimately not caring.
I don't really become uncomfortable until people start asking me about my life/college/future. Personal questions like those (especially from people I don't know well) make me want to run out of the building and never come back.

Another reason I wander around is coz I also don't like to feel like a conversational burden on anyone. Often, one or two nice people will see me sitting quiet and alone, will try and talk to me and it goes nowhere, then I feel guilty for making them work so hard for conversation. So I avoid them to make it easier.

[momohime]

That is exactly how I am, and a big thing I need to work on. I get really uncomfortable in group situations especially when everyone knows each other on a personal level: they would talk about stuff that only they know and I have no idea about so I can't really join in, and it really frustrates me. In those situations I either do my own thing (if there are things to be done) or just act interested by smiling and listening attentively but feeling left out at the same time.

This is why I'm still very very reluctant to go to my boyfriend's family outings (though he has been inviting me to them), for fear of don't knowing what to do and look like an outsider >_<

And I often wonder about people who are very "random" and can talk about the weirdest things...how do they come up with that???