Some thoughts..

[cfitz387]

Hi, I'm new here. I'm just trying to make sense of myself..and..work on things..and get some silly stuff that's bothering me off my chest.

So, yesterday I went out and bought a CD at a local music store. The cashier guy was really cool and told me that the DVD that came along with it was really good, and so was the CD. Which I kinda knew... because I'm a big fan of this band. I was surprised that he liked them, I've only met one other person who liked them so he sorta caught me off guard.. I should have talked to him about this other DVD that they had made. I didn't. I said something like "Yeah, they're funny." and then he preceded to tell me about an in-store at a another store he used to work at, that it would be free, and I should check it out. I replied, "Oh yeah, maybe." Awkward silence as he passes me my purchase and then I go "Well, thanks. Bye." and I drove home cursing myself. I just couldn't think of anything to say at that time. It didn't help that there were two people milling around his register.. They sorta made me more nervous. I could have had a real conversation about this band though..and I blew it. And I knew it as we were talking.. I need to elaborate on things more.

I've been sorta practicing with this new guy at my work. I just met him a few weeks ago. And we were going to be working with each other a lot.. So I made a conscious effort to be a little more talkative with him. And he's an outgoing guy and nice too. So it wasn't too hard at first. He just talks all the time about anything. So.. I just tried to pipe in every now and then. If I could think something I could relate to what he said. But I found myself falling into the same simple answers. But, that first day I worked with him.. my boss came back and was joking around about me being so quiet and the new guy being so talkative and the new guy goes "Well, she talks to me." That made me feel good..but weird at the same time. I don't want them thinking I like this guy. XD...especially because his girlfriend works there too.. I'm just trying to be more talkative!

Heh.. this other kid I work with..my boss's son. He came into work last Saturday. And this kid never really talks to me. I think he assumes I don't like to talk because I'm shy. But him and the new guy were talking. And.. this guy offers to buy the kid beer for parties, and all of the sudden he's his best friend. He's invited to his birthday party the next day. Not that I want to go to this kid's party or anything.. but.. I don't know.. I was standing right there when he invited the new guy and his girlfriend. I've been working there for over a year. These people have been working for only a couple months. He could have at least asked him when I wasn't around, right? I guess it was a weird situation...

And what else.. Oh.. I've been trying to ask my dad and step-mom about going to this concert with me. I don't know why I'm so private about the kind of music I like. I'm afraid of people thinking I have bad/weird taste in music or something I guess. I don't know..it's weird. It probably stems back to when I did have a fairly horrid taste in music and my cousin (who's a day older than me..and sorta like an overprotective big brother..) would sorta make fun of me. So, anyway. I'm trying to find the right moment to ask them. I really don't want to go by myself. And the very few friends that I have wouldn't be into it. I know at least my step-mom will appreciate it though, because she has said that she likes the songs that I've showed her..So I don't know. I'm just having trouble finding the right time to bring it up. I really just want to get out and do something like this. No matter who it's with.. I think it'll be fun.. I've never really been to a concert that I really wanted to go to before and I'm really excited about it..I'm sick of sitting home..and that's pretty much all that's on my mind right now..as lame as that is..

[cfitz387]

So.. I asked my step-mom about that concert.. Luckily.. Don't Forget the Lyrics was on and we got on the topic of concerts. She was talking about a bunch of us going to see the Blue Man group in December or something and I just jumped on that opportunity. lol. My heart was pumping (it's so odd.. I didn't think I'd get that worked up. But I have been holding in my excitement and anxiety about going to this thing for a couple weeks).. I just mentioned it though and she seemed really excited and interested in going. So that's cool.. I felt like an idiot though.. because I was SO worked up that I said everything all weird and quick. I think I might have been just trying to contain myself and my excitement and of course the anxiety.

Today was good with the new guy at work. I really felt like most of the time I was able to communicate effectively. He makes it easy though. He just goes on and on about anything. I've been trying to ask more questions.. It's been mostly work-related stuff though.. Eh.. It's a start..




and.. I thought I had more to add..but.. I can't seem to put it into words now. lol... So...this is all.

[Tal]

I can relate to a lot of that. It's quite depressing when you miss an opportunity for a good conversation about something you like. That's happened to me quite a few times...when I've got loads of stuff to say, but can't quite push it out into conversation before the opportunity vanishes or topic changes.

The excitement bit too... I do tend to talk really fast, say dumb things, not able to sit still etc when I'm excited...I look back on occasions like that with a lot of embarrassment... guess I prefer appearing less excitable and more calm and serious.

Still nice to get opportunities to do something you like.

[cfitz387]

Thanks Tal. ^^ It's really nice to know that there are people out there that feel the same type of anxiety.

So, I haven't been on here in a bit.. but.. I felt the need to write.

Today one of the girls who I work with came up to me while I was working and said that she had a dream that she was mean to me.. and that she was sorry. I had no idea how to really respond to that. So I kinda quietly said "Oh.. that's alright. It was just a dream." and I sorta laughed. In my head I was just kinda confused. Maybe I missed something there..but has anyone ever just come up to you and said something like that? Maybe I should take it as a way to connect with me? I have no idea.. Eh. I think she means well.. but.. I was confused by this. lol.

Anyway, my college courses have started. I'm still finding it difficult to connect with people, but sometimes it feels a little easier. I think I'm really trying harder... On my first day I got to one of my courses early and then a girl from two of my previous courses came in and sat next to me..because we had sorta chatted before. So, I thought that was really cool. I said hi.. and sorta did a small talk thing. And I tried to help her when she asked me questions about what we were supposed to be doing and she helped me. But then the professor did this thing where we had to interview certain people and split us up.. and I had to interview this guy. Who pretty much listed everything about himself to me.. THEN we had to present this to the class. I really hate that kind of stuff. So.. he said all these things he had written about me. Including that I did not have a boyfriend. I wish he didn't ask me that. I wish even more that he had sense not to go announcing that sort of thing. People laughed and it was semi-embarrassing. I think I did a good job when it came to my turn though. I really tried to recite the list and make it interesting. Anyway. The next class I was late. And a guy was sitting in the seat that I had had in the previous class and then it was the same the next class. So.. my chance at being better able to chat with that girl is kinda lost. Not totally.. but.. it was easy when we were just sitting next to each other. And I feel weird about going and sitting there now.

Most of my other classes are pretty uneventful. Just lots of lectures. My Art History professor is really chatty and stuff. He's a nice guy. And in one of my studio art classes there's this girl that I know from high school and I think she's a friend of my brother's. She turned out to be more normal and nicer than I remember(I remember her screaming and throwing calculators in a Geometry class a few years ago. I don't mean to hold past-judgements.. XD..). She sat across from me the other day and asked me to borrow some glue stuff. And I kinda started a conversation about an Illustration class I took..because she had said something about wanting to do comics or something. So.. I told her about it..because we did that sort of stuff in that class. I was proud of myself for that. And she asked me for some advice a couple times for some project we were doing. That was cool..

And I don't know. That's all the significant stuff I can remember. I used to think that people would be more open in college. But it's hard when you're in a lecture type class. People don't even want to talk really..


Oh.. I bought tickets for that concert. Now I just have to remind my step-mom. Ah.. I wish she weren't so forgetful.

[kukri]

i liked reading your post. i find myself in similar situations. like i've had the same thing happen buying a cd. couldn't say anything interesting back, ended up just squeaking bye when i could have spoken to a really like-minded person about music.. and i can't always find people to come to the concerts i want to got to. sometimes i go on my own if i love the band that much

i just started studying too. it's difficult to make an impression on people. i find it okay talking to a few people in the cafe on our breaks, but then when we're in the lecture theatre and we have to do presentations or discussions my voice gets lost in my throat, and i can't make myself heard and it goes kind of wrong

but here's hoping practice makes perfect..

[cfitz387]

Yeah, sometimes I'm even afraid to buy CDs at the store. Especially at our local independent store. If I go to Barnes & Noble or whatever I'm usually fine. But at that one store (the good one where the prices aren't ridiculous..of course) I get intimidated if I think the person might be more.. knowledgeable on music. I'm trying to work on not worrying about that. I just have to remember that it's their job and they don't really care as long as I buy CDs! lol.. and yeah.. they could have the same taste in music too.. Hopefully next time that situation comes up I can do better.

And.. yeah.. I don't even run into people in the lunch areas or anything. I have been doing good with talking with that one girl though. I came in early one day and sat in that same seat that I had on the first day of class..and we kind of ask each other questions and give advice and stuff still( I hope I'm not repeating myself. ). One day after class she was walking ahead of me, but realized I wasn't too far behind, so she slowed down till I caught up and we talked a little bit until we got to where her next class was. That was cool. I felt like a normal human being for 5 minutes.

Oh and I went to that concert! I finally got the nerve to re-ask my step-mom and her and my dad and I went two weeks ago now. It was amazing and everything I had hoped it would be. I was so nervous before it. I could barely even talk about it. My parents didn't know what to expect at all, and I could tell. But we got there early and sat through the opening act.. which they thought was ok and that worried me a little bit more. Then she took forever to come out, but she finally came on about 30-40 minutes later.. and started her first song off and my heart was beating a mile a minute. It was a combination of being really really excited about finally seeing her play live(and having a GREAT seat) and nervous of how my dad and step-mom would like her. After that first song was done and they started clapping enthusiastically and just realizing that I was in a room full of people who liked her music as much as me I calmed down right way. They were really impressed and liked her a lot. So that was a huge relief. I even burned them a few CDs.

And.. I'm not doing so good in a few of my classes. I'm having trouble focusing on my work and writing all these essays. eh. I'm trying.. Doing excellent in Art History though..

I don't know. My biggest problems seem to be sharing music I like..and writing essays..or trying to explain my ideas. Like in art critiques..ugh..I hate those..
Practice does make perfect. Sometimes I just don't even want to try though. :-\

[Sweet Pea]

congrats on your successes...and i'm glad you had fun.

[regulus29]

I like reading your posts too.

Once I talked to this girl from my class. She was so open at first because she had yet to know me I guess. But I was so shy...this only happens with ceratin people who I find intimidating. And I found her intimidating.

Anyway, things is, sometime towards the end of our conversation she seemed to register my shyness and it's as if it gave her a cue to act weird around me. she started avoiding me since then. she is ultra open to others. just acts zombie polite to me or pretend i don't exist. i wish i knew went went in her mind when i had that first convo with her.

am so bummed out cuz i still see her everyday laughing her ass off with other kids.