Post by theinfiniteabyss84 on Sept 26, 2007 20:07:11 GMT -5
I have been thinking about things that happened in the past, the things in the present and the possibilities of the future. It has been a learning experience to look back on how I dealt with things in the past and present and how hopefully I will change for the best for the future. One of the things I noticed most about myself is that I tend to allow peope to make me feel like crap. It usually took a lot of courage to stand up to someone and tell them exactly how I felt. I often would hold my tounge and pretend things didn't bother me and hopefully things would go away. Then I started to say nicely if they could stop or something like that. I have come to the conclusion that I am too nice. I didn't want people to think I was mean so I thought it would be better to smile and pretend everything was fine, bottle everything up. There have been a few instances where I told someone, a negative influence in my life, how I really felt, and some reason the person always managed to twist things to make it my fault. I had a friend a few years ago where she made me feel like a doormat. Long story short I told her how I felt and then she blamed me for her behavior. After I told her how I felt I felt tremendously good about myself. I never stood up for myself like that before. It felt really good.
There have been other instances that I allowed for people to make me feel bad about myself. Guy people. If I told them how I felt and tell them what bothered me I allowed them to make me feel really bad about myself and make me feel really guilty and I would take all of the blame for their problems. I would just not say anything if something bothered me because it felt like it was my fault that it bothered them. I didn't want them to not like me anymore. So I just didn't say anything.
It happened again recently. I allowed a guy to make me feel bad about myself and make me feel like I shouldn't have said anything at all because I am wrong and I should be grateful for someone to like me. I allowed him to make me feel sorry for him and to make me feel like I was the one who hurt his feelings, that he was the one who did absolutely nothing wrong. That I should have siad things earlier (like my ex friend said a few years ago...like it was my fault that I let the other person be a certain way) but when in reality I told them before, they just never took the time and noticed what I said. It's like I was talking to a brick wall.
You know what I finally decided? I am not going to let anyone do that to me anymore. I am not going to let girl friends or guys (friends or potential boyfriends) do that to me anymore. I need positive influences in my life. I know I can be negative but I am getting better with that. I might not ever be Miss Positivity but I think I have come a long way. I have been talking to a couple guys online and if I do meet them or when just talking to them online, if they act the way others in my life have acted, I am not going to take it. It takes a lot of strength not to give in and say "sorry dear, I didn't mean to make you mad," but I am done with people trying to make me feel bad. If anyone does make me feel bad I give permission to everyone to yell at me and tell me to stop ; )
I am better than what I give myself credit for and it is time for me to act that way.
There have been other instances that I allowed for people to make me feel bad about myself. Guy people. If I told them how I felt and tell them what bothered me I allowed them to make me feel really bad about myself and make me feel really guilty and I would take all of the blame for their problems. I would just not say anything if something bothered me because it felt like it was my fault that it bothered them. I didn't want them to not like me anymore. So I just didn't say anything.
It happened again recently. I allowed a guy to make me feel bad about myself and make me feel like I shouldn't have said anything at all because I am wrong and I should be grateful for someone to like me. I allowed him to make me feel sorry for him and to make me feel like I was the one who hurt his feelings, that he was the one who did absolutely nothing wrong. That I should have siad things earlier (like my ex friend said a few years ago...like it was my fault that I let the other person be a certain way) but when in reality I told them before, they just never took the time and noticed what I said. It's like I was talking to a brick wall.
You know what I finally decided? I am not going to let anyone do that to me anymore. I am not going to let girl friends or guys (friends or potential boyfriends) do that to me anymore. I need positive influences in my life. I know I can be negative but I am getting better with that. I might not ever be Miss Positivity but I think I have come a long way. I have been talking to a couple guys online and if I do meet them or when just talking to them online, if they act the way others in my life have acted, I am not going to take it. It takes a lot of strength not to give in and say "sorry dear, I didn't mean to make you mad," but I am done with people trying to make me feel bad. If anyone does make me feel bad I give permission to everyone to yell at me and tell me to stop ; )
I am better than what I give myself credit for and it is time for me to act that way.