hi new here.

[shynesssucks]

hi i joined this forum because i'm shy. I just googled "shy+forum" and came on to this site hoping someone could provide some insight into my problem. I am 26 years old and i've been shy my entire life. I think it's a very immature thing and I need to grow out of it.
I am ok to converse with people in strictly professional situations for instance, like being in a group discussing a particular topic. but when people are relaxed and joking around just sitting back and enjoying eachothers company I freeze up. I do believe I have a great personality but it's buried in a thick shell. I find it impossible to smile at people. I think if i could just relax and smile at people alot of people would approach me. It's so obvious when i try to fake a smile.. my jaw gets stiff...and i look like a deer in headlights...
In the recent past, I met this guy that I like and Ive started to drink a bit of alcohol before meeting up with him. so that i could smile and be myself. I realize how wrong that is and I don't want to be dependent on alcohol to fit in.

How this has effected my life so far negatively ill just list...
1. being as shy as i am it has hurt be in the past in school because i was too shy to ask questions in class etc. and it was a struggle to get where i am today.. and in the future, when i start working i can imagine if i continue to be the way i will face alot of problems..people may not want to hire me..etc

2. relationships. i feel like ill never find the right guy bc i couldnt' even speak to the guys that have tried to approach me in the past...

3.my family who i was so close to as i was growing up. ive been away from my family for a couple of years now..im away from home going to school..and i purposely have not kept touch with them. I give them excuses that i'm too busy bc they do add stress to my life..
and over these years ive grown distant from even them.

4. enjoying life in general. i feel like im missing out in life ..im missing out in meeting great people, going out to dinners, going on trips with friends and all of that..


I feel so awkward when i try to make an effort to meet people.. I feel it to be so unnatural or that i'm going about it wrong ..i feel like maybe i've gained the reputation of being a shy/quiet girl or something..or that girl that doesn't talk to anyone so when i do approach people i sense that perhaps they don't want to be associated with me..bc somehow i may ruin their reputation aswell..

maybe it's all in my head ..and that's exactly the kind of thinking i wish i could stop ..wish icould just relax, smile..but i have a feeling if i've been this way all my life upto now i probably will suffer for the rest of my life

[spark]

I feel the same way when talking to new people. The part that really bugs me is the doubt afterward. I'm never really sure how I came off.

[strawberrysweetie]

Hey....just want to give you a formal welcome....so, umm....Welcome to SU! ;D

I can relate to most of your problems almost exactly. I have the same worry about 1 and 2. And 4, well, I feel like that all of the time. I feel I'm missing out so much because of the way I am.

And I definitely understand what you mean by feeling "unnatural" when meeting people for the first time....and I also relate the feeling of being labeled the "shy girl."

It's tough stuff to overcome, especially when your thoughts/behaviors have persisted for so long....it's just so hard to break habits.

But, it's not impossible. Never give up hope. Never give up on yourself.

[shynesssucks]

"my woman diary"-inspired by the thread called "my man diary"
-these are pretty random thoughts..

ive been tired lately and sleeping way too much..i don't think i am depressed or anything..my mood is usually stable..never get too excited about anything..

my mom use to tell me when i was laughing too much.."when you laugh too much you know that means tears are to follow"..
kind of strange..i wonder if that's the reason im afraid to show that i'm happy and afraid to laugh out loud...

even when things are going really well in my life..like im really a content person deep down ...i find myself focusing on certain negative things...and portray a sad exterior...

i am afraid for some reason to show that im happy..or admit that things are going well..i always seeming to think of worst case scenarios ..like what if this goes wrong or that..and stress myself out for no reason...

i think it might have something to do with an experience i had once (i mean about my inability to relax and except that things are good now)..im talking about the time when i let myself really enjoy being in the moment and be optimistic with my future with him (let's just call him Bob..) Bob is a guy i met at school and we were friends and started seeing eachother..
anyway i really liked him ..probably loved him and i let myself think that he was starting to feel the same way..i was happy and the very next day he met this beautiful girl and immediately i could telll he was acting differently. Let's call her Jennifer...
This is like the very next day after i let myself be happy with him..

i don't know about you guys but i think my mom was right..it's not somethng she made up..but there's like some saying i don't know what culture it comes from..but if you laugh too much ( which i equate with happiness) means that tears are sure to follow..

something like, what goes up ..must come down...

Now, im still with Bob..
Bob and Jennifer never got together..bc Jennifer's parents didn't approve..(long story there..stuff happened ..i cried almost every day ..still cry when I remember something about it)
I fought for Bob..i told him i loved him.
We're still seeing eachother...sometimes i wish i just let Bob go...but i just couldn't let him go...
Bob says he has feelings for me and he wants to be with me.
I can't let myself relax anymore when it comes to Bob..
I am always on guard..I act jealous..
..I ask him about the girls that leave msgs on facebook wall or myspace etc. I feel silly but I ask to calm my fears...

All I know is the next time anything like that happens I won't get hurt again..I won't fight again for Bob..i'll let him go..(i think..) i mean i never thought i was the type of girl that would chase a guy in the first place..but i did..i wish i hadn't..wish i was more careful in the beginning and watched where my feelings were going..


I really should be studying right now..Ive got a final in less than 2 weeks..sigh..
Ive done very little studying since the midterm..mostly bc i've been wasting time thinking about Bob
and being too tired...

i could get As instead ive wasted the last two years on friggin Bob..
almost got kicked out of school for my grades...
well that was a wake up call..

whatever..anyway,
so i woke up this morning and i told myself that i must make it to class this morning..
i went to bed at 9pm last night and woke up at 7am...

got up and i put the stereo next to the bathroom and put on that song called yellow taxi or something on youtube..bc i don't have music on my laptop..
i had music on my external hard drive which i dropped and broke..

anyway, i have the huge room to myself now because my roommate moved out..
so i left the door to the bathroom open and left the lights off in my bathroom and showered..while listening to the song..

i had to get out of the shower to select another song on youtube ..i played something by soul asylum..mysery...

i was pretty relaxed this morning...had gotten alot of sleep..

as i was doing this i was thinking about my jaw..
my jaw is always so stiff..my whole face is stiff..
but i feel the tension at my jaw the most..is why i can't smile at people.. they say that it takes more energy to frown than smile..
i am not exactly frowning but i just can't unclench my jaw..

i mean i have to put extra effort on making sure my lips aren't pursed and my jaw isn't clenched..that's what i was doing through class mostly..in my head i was thinking i should relax my face..

ive done that two days in a row now..and i found that the tutor that i speak to is usually curt with me but today with my jaw relaxed as i spoke to him he had a more relaxed expression on his face aswell...

anyway, besides that i also kept glancing at the guy sitting at the other side of the lecture hall..
im not exactly into him or anything but i had a feeling that he was interested for awhile...but i dont' think he is anymore...
i like Bob..im not interested in anyone else..
the guy across the room..for some reason, i kept looking over i have no idea why..


anyway, i did pay attention in lecture today ..i sat at the very back of the room ..it's a huge lecture hall with like 300 students.. i was at the very back dark corner..that's where i feel the most comfortable..

no one will look at me..i won't have to worry about smiling at anyone and wonder if my smile looked ugly..
or if was making eye contact for too long..
or not enough..
i could pay the most attention to the lecture from there bc i don't get distracted by anything esle...

im going to stop typing now..bc i think im procrastinating studying..

let me know if you actually read all that haha!

im just going to skim over it myself and see what i just typed up

[strawberrysweetie]

Jun 11, 2008 14:54:00 GMT -5 shynesssucks said:

i don't know about you guys but i think my mom was right..it's not somethng she made up..but there's like some saying i don't know what culture it comes from..but if you laugh too much ( which i equate with happiness) means that tears are sure to follow..

something like, what goes up ..must come down...

Well....I think that's true, but it is a fact of life. One day you may be very happy (laughing/carefree/etc.) and on one of the following days you could be brought to tears. Of course both are bound to happen.

That's a very negative saying, though. It's like saying that if you're laughing and are very happy, it must be a false sense of happiness....or something.

However, you could also think of it flipped around....and in a more positive way.

----.."when you laugh too much you know that means tears are to follow"..

For the opposite, you could say something like....

----When you find yourself crying, remember that one day you'll be laughing.

Jun 11, 2008 14:54:00 GMT -5 shynesssucks said:

All I know is the next time anything like that happens I won't get hurt again..I won't fight again for Bob..i'll let him go..(i think..) i mean i never thought i was the type of girl that would chase a guy in the first place..but i did..i wish i hadn't..wish i was more careful in the beginning and watched where my feelings were going..
...
...
...
...
...
...
anyway, besides that i also kept glancing at the guy sitting at the other side of the lecture hall..
im not exactly into him or anything but i had a feeling that he was interested for awhile...but i dont' think he is anymore...
i like Bob..im not interested in anyone else..
the guy across the room..for some reason, i kept looking over i have no idea why..

To the first part....I am curious about your last statement particularly.....exactly where have your feelings for "Bob" gone??


And to the 2nd part, I find it interesting that you only say...."I like Bob"....when previously you mentioned you told him you loved him.

Do you love Bob? Or do you think you love Bob? Or are you afraid to let yourself fully love Bob because you don't think he loves you in that way?

You don't have to answer these nosy questions. Just something to think about.


*and yes, I read through the whole thing.

[shynesssucks]

As I sit in this cubcle at the library im thinking first of all hope no one can read this from behind me. You can only concentrate for so long on something no matter how hard you try because after awhile your brain takes a break whether you like it or not. I find myself all of a sudden day dreaming. I am thinking about Bob and how wrong we are for eachother. I am not the image of the girl of his dreams. I know this because we had a conversation once about who we thought were attractive in our class and which celebreties we thought were attractive etc. He has a thing for brunette with a tanned complexion. Thin and tall.
Sometimes I think he is looking at me and thinking man she’s so short or whatever…
He’s never once told me I was pretty or whatnot..
I know im not hideous. Before I met him I use to think I wasn’t bad looking…actually I was pretty happy with the way I looked.
Now, I’m trying to fit the image of Bob’s idea of beauty.

I think I keep holding on because I don’t want to be alone.

Well, maybe that’s not the case. He is a great catch.

I think he’s perfect and that’s why I want him.
The only problem is to make him feel the same.

He says he has feelings and wants to be with me but the future is uncertain so don’t have expectations.

I would believe his words but I was there and saw in his eyes/mannerisms/actions how excited he was about Jennifer. He treated her differently. She did fit his image of beauty.

It shouldn’t be all about appearance. It’s not actually not only was Jennifer beautiful but she was also feisty. Full of energy. Such a great girl!

All that great personality bs is really nothing if she isn’t beautiful..
I mean for Bob, that’s essential.
If Jennifer was unattractive to Bob, she would be “loud and over-stated” to him but because she’s attractive in his eyes, she is “feisty and fun”.

I’ve tried to get back at Bob but only ended up hurting myself..

Ive tried to get over..well so far that hasn’t’ worked.
I’m such a hipocrite as I write this and as I think of how wrong we are for eachother I am counting down the days that I will be able to seem him again.


I notice others here in the library when their mind needs a break they get up and socialize. I on the other hand enter into my mind and think about the past..dwell on things…

Well, I should get back to the books. I’m not expecting anyone to read this but somehow it helps to type out my thoughts. It’s like talking to a girlfriend. I hear about friends who tell eachother everything.
Nice to know someone is there to listen.
I think that’s a bit selfish though. When was the last time I was concerned about someone else to listen to them and their silly problems.

If it’s not life-threatening I don’t really care.
Why should I expect anyone else to care about me?

Back to the books.

[shynesssucks]

oh just noticed someone read my post :-0

[shynesssucks]

----When you find yourself crying, remember that one day you'll be laughing.

yeah, so if you laugh, remember one day you'll cry so the opposite can be also true.

if you're down in the dumps and things can only look up from there that's not a scary thing but if your high the fall can hurt hard

so it's safer to be down because if something bad happens you were miserable to begin with...

hm..that sounds horrible.

but it just seems to be the case alot of the times when you have a sense that things are good you are hit with reality that things aren't what they seem.
While the opposite, if you are focused on bad things in life and something great happens it's a plesant surprise.

It seems some people are always smiling and laughing ..so carefree.. maybe theyre better at hiding their emotions...

Or are you afraid to let yourself fully love Bob because you don't think he loves you in that way?

that's pretty accurate. i was falling in love with him and i do love him but along the way due to various events i've become afraid...but i don't know how to completely detach myself from him. I've tried..

[shynesssucks]

cons about me:
-shy
-immature (my brother said so the other day..i agree)
-selfish
-i can't tell a joke
-coward
-stubborn
-fear of confrontation
-impatient


pros
- i can draw really straight lines
-i am stubborn
-inquisitive
-a good detective
-creative

[strawberrysweetie]

Jun 14, 2008 18:18:49 GMT -5 shynesssucks said:

----When you find yourself crying, remember that one day you'll be laughing.

yeah, so if you laugh, remember one day you'll cry so the opposite can be also true.

lol....I know, but that is the point I was trying to make by making that statement. If you're sad....only good can come from hope that things will get better again. But if you're happy already, why ruin a good thing by remembering that kind of statement?

Jun 14, 2008 18:18:49 GMT -5 shynesssucks said:

but it just seems to be the case alot of the times when you have a sense that things are good you are hit with reality that things aren't what they seem.
While the opposite, if you are focused on bad things in life and something great happens it's a plesant surprise.

But, how would you rather spend your life......90% happy & 10% sad.....or.....90% sad & 10% happy?

If you're focused on bad things the majority of the time with only a few moments of happiness here and there....then the majority of the time you'll be down-and-out.

I'd much rather be happy the majority of the time....though, this is something I've definitely not acheieved yet.

Jun 14, 2008 18:18:49 GMT -5 shynesssucks said:

It seems some people are always smiling and laughing ..so carefree.. maybe theyre better at hiding their emotions...

Perhaps so...or perhaps to some extent. But I, personally, believe that one can be generally happy the majority of the time. Truly happy people seem far too few, but they're out there.

Sometimes I hate how people seem so fake....and how I feel so fake sometimes by pretending things are okay. Like when someone asks, "How are you?" I hate that question. I'm rarely in a good mood! But still, I'll usually say "fine" or "alright."

Another part of me thinks it's probably better people don't go flashing their emotions publicly. Just think what the world would be like if we all showed our true emotions! If I said what I actually thought/felt....I'd be walking around saying "Terrible!...I hate this....I hate that.....blah, blah, blah..."

Jun 14, 2008 18:18:49 GMT -5 shynesssucks said:

Or are you afraid to let yourself fully love Bob because you don't think he loves you in that way?

that's pretty accurate. i was falling in love with him and i do love him but along the way due to various events i've become afraid...but i don't know how to completely detach myself from him. I've tried..

hmm...well, your recent post did let in more insight into the dilemma....and answered some of the questions I was wondering about.

But, unfortunately, I don't have any advice regarding relationships. I wish I had some advice for you, but I just don't know.

However, I think if you don't think you're a right match....then, you're probably not. It sounds like he doesn't say things I would think a boyfriend would say. Buuuut...I don't know. If you think you should break it off....then the sooner, the better. The sooner you do it, the sooner you can heal and find someone who might be more compatible.

[shynesssucks]

i'm surprised that youre reading my posts strawberry. and also trying to provide insights. You must be a very patient person to read my ramblings lol. You seem to be a person who has an interest in others..cares for others. I would imagine with such a personality you must have alot of friends.

I once had a very social suitemate and I paid attention to her character to see what exactly made her a likeable person. I learned that she was genuinely interested in other people. She would set aside her own affairs to do things for other people. She often would bake all sorts of goodies for her friends, she would throw dinner parties, she would decorate their rooms on birthdays. All sorts of stuff that I just can't be bothered with.

It seems having a social life takes work.

[Sweet Pea]

Jun 15, 2008 0:18:43 GMT -5 shynesssucks said:

i'm surprised that youre reading my posts strawberry. and also trying to provide insights. You must be a very patient person to read my ramblings lol. You seem to be a person who has an interest in others..cares for others. I would imagine with such a personality you must have alot of friends.

I once had a very social suitemate and I paid attention to her character to see what exactly made her a likeable person. I learned that she was genuinely interested in other people. She would set aside her own affairs to do things for other people. She often would bake all sorts of goodies for her friends, she would throw dinner parties, she would decorate their rooms on birthdays. All sorts of stuff that I just can't be bothered with.

It seems having a social life takes work.

i'm great about doing that sort of thing with friends and family, but not with strangers or people i'm forced to socialize with (like at work). then i sometimes kinda...close up...placing a very high value on my space and privacy. especially if i get any sense of hostility or ill intent from them.

[shynesssucks]

other day i noticed i fell sound asleep after i posted on this diary. i'm thinking it may helped to relieve stress somehow. last night i couldn't sleep stayed up thinking about stuff. walked around campus since i couldn't sleep and nor could i study because i was tired and couldn't focus.
anyway, i'm a little relieved now from i was earlier today.
he was on-call, that's why he wasn't online all day. i haven't talked to him in a couple of days but that was my decision to not to talk to anyone and just focus on this upcoming exam. but sunday night i was talking to his roommate and learned that he was out in the city..and that got me worried.

i get worried when he goes out. i am worried about who he's with and what he's doing. i hate when that girl calls him. they use to chat for hours on end. not jennifer, just another girl ...
well, he told me she wasn't his type and he wasn't interested in her..but then why talk to her so much..
he obviously had some interest in her..perhaps he didn't realize it himself.

anyway, after having not talked to him for a few days i missed him. so i waited online sunday night for him to get back from the city.
he never did. that may be part of the reason i couldn't sleep. thinking to myself, who goes out on a sunday when they have to work early the next morning. besides, he tells me he's working on 3 papers simultaneously so where does he get the time chill in the big city?

wish he was more of a nerd. i'm not actually attracted to nerds but if he was more studious he would spend more time studying instead of going out and less chance for me to lose him. Like me, his chances of losing me are highly unlikley because i never talk to anyone. It's unlikely i'll find someone else and hurt him in anyway. he on the other hand, is a social butterfly.

a great conversationalist he is. people love him. he's a good person. any girl would be lucky to have him. i just hope i don't lose him...

it's hard to study when youre worried about someone else. must focus on this exam .can't mess up in school anymore.

[shynesssucks]

why am i so sensitive?
i feel hurt or something because the two people didn't acknowledge me when i said hi to them. i know they saw me. the guy looked right at me.
well, i know why...
it's because i am the one who usually ignores them. but for some reason i just said hi because we were the only ones there.

but who cares anyway? why do i have the little sick feeling in my stomach just because they didn't say hi back to me.

so silly...who cares...
why can't i just grow up..

if anyone is reading this..i encourage your criticism so i can be immune to what people think.

[Sweet Pea]

Jun 17, 2008 22:56:49 GMT -5 shynesssucks said:

why am i so sensitive?
i feel hurt or something because the two people didn't acknowledge me when i said hi to them. i know they saw me. the guy looked right at me.
well, i know why...
it's because i am the one who usually ignores them. but for some reason i just said hi because we were the only ones there.

but who cares anyway? why do i have the little sick feeling in my stomach just because they didn't say hi back to me.

so silly...who cares...
why can't i just grow up..

if anyone is reading this..i encourage your criticism so i can be immune to what people think.

actually i think everyone feels that way to some extent, it's just that some people are better at ignoring or rationalizing those feelings away. it's not something that anyone enjoys.