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Post by madiocre on Jul 18, 2010 2:18:41 GMT -5
Hi, I'm sorry I haven't read much of this thread yet by I can relate to some of the things you said in your last post. I have trouble making friends and I spend a lot of time alone. I also am very lucky but I feel like I don't deserve it and it makes me feel guilty. Sometimes I feel like I lack an identity also. I used to draw but I haven't really drawn anything in years. Don't worry about ranting we don't mind. lol don't worry that you havn't read it . a lot of it is old and in past now I't good to hear people with the same problems. it sound strange but hearing someone say they have a similar situation feels like im not carrying this alone. even though it bad that someone else has to go through it too . I seem to get ideas still for art.... but just never get to do it or feel like it'll work. i think i need some sort of hobby but cant really find anything
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Post by madiocre on Jul 18, 2010 2:27:01 GMT -5
Congrats on getting into uni. ... i really want to make friends with ppl but i just dont know how . I feel i have some fucking retardation that just make me lack any common sense or skills ot hold a conversation . I'ver spent the whole day crying for no reason other then i hate myself and i really should be thinking of how lucky i m and if im so fucking friendless i should just do something... i feel i lack an identity i used to say i draw and listen to music...i havnt drew or photographed anything for fun in so long and when i do i just feel that its so pitiful and im wasting my time. basically i hate my life but not because of life itself its because of ME, I'm lucky but i'm fucking retard !!! I can relate to this a lot...have had the same exact thought about myself so much lately. I often feel like an idiot because of the same things. It's lonely not having anyone to hang out with, but it can be so difficult to make some friends. I'm sorry you're feeling this way, too. *hug* again i feel touched that you replied thankyou for the congratulations and the hugs *hugs back* If only it were more straight forward
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Robe
Junior Member
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Post by Robe on Jul 18, 2010 22:37:27 GMT -5
I thought it would make you feel better to know that someone can relate. Good luck finding a hobby, I need one too lol.
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Post by madiocre on Jul 27, 2010 9:04:17 GMT -5
yeah still drawing blanks on the hobby thing...but i guess i have uni starting up soon between that and work i wont have much time for...well anything
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Robe
Junior Member
Posts: 97
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Post by Robe on Jul 30, 2010 14:03:40 GMT -5
yeah still drawing blanks on the hobby thing...but i guess i have uni starting up soon between that and work i wont have much time for...well anything I don't have a job and I'm not going to school so I have plenty of free time. I really need a hobby lol.
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Post by madiocre on Oct 8, 2010 8:35:07 GMT -5
i feel... down i feel really alone i'm currently living with b/f and someone i used ot go to school with. Evryone went out and i stayed at home reading my b/f's emails. I'm such a bad g/f i dont think i'm cut out to be one it makes me miserable. i always used to wonder what they meant when ppeople say you really have yo be confident and love yourself before someone else can. I know now. I'm too insecure and i've been getting some weird moods its really hard to try hide them and when i'm crying i feel so silly saying that i don't know why or saying reasons i feel but know are totally irrational/ not whats happening / not quite how i feel. I can't communicate anything because i don't know anything i feel so lost and i don't know what to do.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 8, 2010 17:55:09 GMT -5
I don't believe your as bad a girlfriend as you think you are, you wouldn't have a boyfriend if you were so bad.
I know how it feels to be down, been that way plenty of times. After a nights sleep I normally feel better.
Hope you feel better tomorrow.
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Oct 9, 2010 3:19:49 GMT -5
i feel... down i feel really alone i'm currently living with b/f and someone i used ot go to school with. Evryone went out and i stayed at home reading my b/f's emails. I'm such a bad g/f i dont think i'm cut out to be one it makes me miserable. i always used to wonder what they meant when ppeople say you really have yo be confident and love yourself before someone else can. I know now. I'm too insecure and i've been getting some weird moods its really hard to try hide them and when i'm crying i feel so silly saying that i don't know why or saying reasons i feel but know are totally irrational/ not whats happening / not quite how i feel. I can't communicate anything because i don't know anything i feel so lost and i don't know what to do. Do you have any reason to distrust him? Have you lost feelings for him? I think a lot of people probably get insecure even while in relationships. I know you're definitely not the first person to be reading through your bf's e-mails. I remember hearing from several different segments about that very thing. Not that it's right, but it happens. It can be hard to trust people.
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Post by Farouche on Oct 9, 2010 19:13:27 GMT -5
I can definitely identify with those feelings, Madiocre. I get into really unpleasant, sometimes hard-to-explain moods at times. Often those feelings arise from a sense of alienation, and then the feelings themselves make me feel even more distanced from people, including my BF. To echo Strawberry, why did you go through the emails? Were you just feeling “not good enough;” were you perversely proving to yourself that you’re a “bad girlfriend;” or did you have some suspicions you were looking to confirm? Importantly: how did you imagine your boyfriend feel to know that you’d read his emails? If you realized he’d be ok with it or just mildly squicked, that’s different than if you knew he’d freak out and then did it anyway. Have you tried explaining to your boyfriend that you sometimes get in bad moods and he shouldn’t take it personally, or asked him why he enjoys being with you? I don’t think you necessarily have to be confident and love yourself to be part of a happily functioning couple (though it usually helps). I don’t think you need to abstain from or cover up weird, depressy moods, either. If you can be a loving and happiness-enhancing partner part-time, and a moody, internally-focused introvert part-time, I think that can totally work. Especially when you think of all the volatile, self-blind people out there who end up in reasonably normal relationships that they’d never question whether they “deserve” or not. If you’re like me, you may be back in happy-land by the time you see any of this, so feel free to completely ignore. ;D And feel better!
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Post by madiocre on Oct 13, 2010 7:37:59 GMT -5
That was the kind weird thing. I didn't know why i did it it was half an accident i accidently signed into his msn cos he left his password saved then i went on to read his emails. i don't distrust him in that i think he is cheating im just insecure about how he feels i guess despite the fact he tells me he loves me all the time?? I ended up telling him anyway and he didn't really care cos he is a very open person anyway i m mostly read his old emails from exes mostly because i was curious i guess. i guess being the insecure person i m i always feel the need to compare it's stupid really. now we have another couple living with us i think i do a lot of comparing they are visibly lovey dovey and have done like candle lit dinners romance etc. we never really do that but the thing is i know those ppl have a doomed relationship and i would much rather the one i have.... yet i get all worried and sometime even though i know we love each other i question it because we are not romantic or lovey dovey. I know logically that every relationship is different but i also feel compelled to compare. but yeah i think was really tired . lol technically atm im a full time uni student and a full time worker in a job that has homework...
My bad habit i guess is that when i am in a bad mood i feel i need a reason and i can never accept that its just the way i m so i materialise it into being my bf fault . This is what i need to stop its destructive. I can't help bu think that i am definitely myown worse enemy and make most of the problems i have.
I think the not deserving/ being cut out fro this thing that i refered to was a worry of mine that i have dependency issues. When i 'm in relationships i think about the other person way too much and it really worries me i'm like a stalker ...well sorta i dont plan to kill people and i don't actually sit outside windows but inside my head i think about him way too much. then off course i start over anylysing things...
lol i went to a inservice training thing on managing conflict resolution tonight. it w2as interesting we did a lot about listening. We practised paraphrasing and it was really interesting to note how much people read into what people say instead of actually listening to them. Think of us shybies i think this is a big one....
lol im in a scatter brain mood ..sorry to those of you that actually read that jumble lol im typical gen... well gen whatever i m jumping from bit to bit not attention span really
anywho cheerio
o yeah thanks to those of you who read it and gave advise etc you were right i was in a better mood the next day but it was good reading over it and thinking over the questions and advise you guys gave. perspective is awesome !
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Post by madiocre on Nov 24, 2010 6:00:09 GMT -5
so in terms of my shyness i just went through one of the worst tasks ever and think i did pretty well.
Parent teach interviews. I'm working in a childcare centre with 2-5s and in charged of keeping development records for 8 children this entails putting together a portfolio of art works and photo stories and analysing them for developmental significances and personal attributes of the child while relating them to governemnet doctrines.
I felt i was ok at this. I had been thinking about wha i would say to the parents and ran over it many times and contemplated what they migt ask. I was dead wrong and nieve lol being first year in the job after completing a diploma i was expecting more question on how they were doing...educational sorta things but really since the children are only 3 all they asked was about how they eat , sleep etc . I managed ok there was a schedule to keep to and unsuprisingly i ran early ...lol I was really taken a back and stumble though when one particular parent sat with crossed arms and i couldnt get why till we got to the end and she asked about the changes that are taking place next year. i couldnt give any answers... i fumbled but i did follow up and got the director to speak to her in the afternoon and given the situation that was the best person for her to speak with and she seemed ok after that.
Getting through it all i think was a good achievement for me goven aversion. i cant imagine being able to complete such a task as this 5 years ago.
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Post by urbanspaceman on Nov 24, 2010 9:35:02 GMT -5
Just wanted to say it sounds like you did really well with this task at your work madiocre. It would be a job that most people would find daunting and nerve-wracking so you should really feel very proud of yourself You coped very well with the last parent you talked about, it doesn't matter if you felt unable to specifically answer her questions as you did exactly the right thing by referring her to someone higher in the chain of command. I try to take the opinion that every single thing we do, be it in our working or private lives, is a learning experience; a challenge for ourselves to learn from and apply to later experiences. Mistakes or 'naivety' should be taken in the same way I think, as you were honestly doing your best and wanting to accommodate these parents' concerns about their children to the best of your ability. Well done again
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Post by madiocre on Dec 4, 2010 3:46:59 GMT -5
The definition of being an introvert is someone who get energised from being alone and an extrovert is one who gets energy from being around and interacting with people.
I myself pinned myself as being an introvert. I liked doing all the activities associated with being thus such as reading drawing painting... etc AS a teenager i spent 90% of the time i was at school in my bedroom away from everyone. I was shy when it came to interacting with people and lacked general skills in making conversations. which is a seperate isue i think because i think i ever felt inept about this because i felt lik ei was lacking and by being non social i was somehow retarded . I wanted to social and go out becaus ethats what is normal if you get what i mean.
I'm older now im still a quiet person and am not the best conversationalist or at making friends . I generaly am socially awkward . I some how managed to make a good friend and have a boyfriend . I statred going out with my friend partying because thats what i always wanted and its like now i have changed. I moved out of my family home and am living with my boyfriend and 2 flat mates and cant stand to have the house empty . even when ppl are around i feell like i need to be in the lounge room with them and always work on my laptop rather then at the pc in our room. I feel confused and lostwhen i think about whether i m an introvert . i know i became like this because of "shyness guilt" when there is silence i fill it with random babble because of it and feel bad if for instance i dont go out or have plans on a friday night. I miss being content in my own company. Its like ive turned into an extrovert but im still shy, i fear ppl's rejection most of all , I crave their interactions but can't bring myself to ever put myself on the line to satisfy it.
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Post by madiocre on Dec 4, 2010 3:51:01 GMT -5
Thank you Slinky.
I figure i must have been alright becuase I've been asked to take over another teacher's interviews now. so its finger biting season all over ... i did mention i was little unsure for one particular parent and my director will actually sit in and give guidance if need be which is a relief. It turns out they usually do that for every new person who hasn't done that before but forgot about doing it with me.
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Post by madiocre on Jul 3, 2011 9:27:09 GMT -5
just need to d a bit of posting. I'm feeling really down I've been in such a bad mood about myself I can't seem to find comfort in myself. I feel like a need a break from myself. I've been living in my head way too much analysing myself and I need to stop but I just can't. Tears swel up just thinking about it but last night I was trying to think of one thing about myself I would never change and I can't there is nothing about me I would hold onto. My whole life currently is about self improvement and i feel like ots wrong a person shouldn't be so faulty that they are substandard in every way but I fell I am. There is no component of my life that I could honestly say yeah i'm on top of that I don't need to worry. I feel like all im ever doing is trying to get better at being a person but I never will i don't even feel like I'm improving. I'm constantly making mistakes just look at my posts they are full of typos, I fuck up the simplest tasks. I think I may actually be dyspraxdic but I'm too scared to go get tested. I can't even say if i'm more scared of it being true or being not true.
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