Please read about me. I'm so screwed in the head!

[famfnl]

I tired to write about all my issues with shyness and the world around me. These are things that I just jotted down. Sorry that its reeeeally long.

My kindergarten teacher remembers me as the shy girl who sat in the front when i went back to see her after 10 years!
Since kindergarten I remember feeling all left out when we had to write letters and send them to one another…and I never got one from anybody
I’ve only gotten along with boys. I played handball, basketball with them.
I cut my hair boy short, simply because I liked it short. And some thought I was a boy and didn’t believe me when I said I was a girl.
I never had any friends to hangout with when I was young. I just played with them at school and that was it. Until 6th grade, I had no real friends.
I have a hard time finding out what career I want to pursue in. I want a job that doesn’t involve me talking a lot because of my shy problem and inability to speak (I choke up a lot)
I’m terrified of taking a speech class. I will NEVER ever take that class EVEN IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT. I’m dead serious on that. That’s how bad I hate it. I know that I will choke up, faint, cry, or do something embarrassing.
I’m very emotional and sensitive.
I talk with myself to my bedroom mirror to sort out my feelings. I may seem like a crazy person but it really helps me get out the things that are on my mind. I don’t know if anybody else does this too.
May I remind you that I have absolutely no self-confidence in myself.
The only time that I do feel it is when I am dancing.
I’ve recently realized why I feel so comfortable dancing in front of crowds is because I don’t have to ever use MY VOICE!
It’s all about body movements.

I’ve never had a boyfriend.
I’ve only gone on a few dates.
The reason is because I don’t think I can handle being in a relationship even though I really want one. I really hate talking on the phone. Honestly, I really don’t like talking that much and when I do talk, I can’t communicate and explain that well to the person I am talking to. I have a communication problem.

I get so screwed up in the head that I just feel so useless and worthless in this world that I just want to end it. But I would never commit suicide. I even sometimes tell God to just take me away. I don’t belong here and I am sure of it. I feel so secluded and lost. I’m in my third year of college and am still undecided. I’ve only had one job and that lasted just 3 months because I couldn’t keep up and felt like I was going to get fired.

I ‘m just not proud of myself; not proud of who I am; I’ve been wanting to change but I find it impossible. My friend’s don’t really understand what I am going through. one of them is taking it the wrong way like it is his problem when it’s really me that is antisocial.

I’ve gotten to college and have made ZERO friends. The friends that I have now are from high school and elementary school. But I still feel like I have no friends because I can’t open up myself to them and tell them what is really going on with me. I feel totally embarrassed if I do.

I went to the career center about a week ago so I can finally decide on what I want to do with my life; to finally have a goal and a reason to live. The counselor asked me a few questions about what hobbies I’m into and what my friends could see me as being and all that. At some point, I started tearing up and she saw that. I just hate being like that. I can’t control my tears. I am so weak and don’t know how I can be strong. I couldn’t even answer simple questions like “What is your dream job?”. I answered “dancing”. Well, the reason why I teared up is because I have the talent as I have been told but I have no confidence and I can’t handle rejections and auditions and that just hurts me really bad. My heart wants to dance but I can’t get myself there because of who I am.

My parents do love me and are somewhat proud of me and all but sometimes they just put me down because I don’t talk that much and don’t put myself out there.

I am trying to find a job because I need the money to help my family out BUT I don’t have any skills. I don’t know what kind of job to apply for. I don’t want to work at the mall. I would like an office job where I won’t have to answer the phone or deal with people. But I don’t know any jobs like that. Can anybody help me out? I do type like 65 wpm and am comfortable with the computer and internet. But I don’t know, I just feel so useless and hopeless as far as finding the right job for me.

I did get a Pharmacy Technician certification but I can’t handle the environment of dealing with customers all day. I hate resolving issues (well I’m not good at it at all). I had to do my externship hours at CVS and the boss liked me and my coworkers but I just didn’t feel like I belonged there. I could get hired there but I don’t want to fail them. I know I will be asking them millions of questions and I’ll forget how to handle each situation. I just need a quiet environment where I can just go in and do my work and come out. I know that that kind of job won’t help me with my sociable problem but it’ll make me feel comfortable.

Also, I’ve always struggled with giving presentations to the class ever since my first one in 7th grade. I talk very low, and didn’t know what to say. I got all nervous and choked up many times. And because of me, my friends and I got a “D” on our final project for our statistics class because I only said like 10 words throughout or whole presentation.

I need to change but I honestly don’t know how.

I’ve met a guy online and we’ve chatted for many months now and we both like each other a lot. We’ve talked a few times on the phone. He’s actually the one who’s mostly talking. I don’t know why he still likes me because of that. He knows that I have a shy issue and he says he does too but I don’t believe it because he sounds so comfortable on the phone. I’ve blew him off twice when he asked me out because I’m scared that I won’t say a single word. I just don’t know what to do. He told me last night that he’s going to soon ask me to be his gf but we haven’t even gone on a DATE! I just don’t get it lol I feel like I’m doing all the wrong things but he’s still interested in me.

Every time I get close to a guy, I start to push them away. I feel like I won’t be able to handle being in a relationship. I know I will have to give it a try some time to get over my fear because I am 20 years old!

Working in retail also freaks the hell out of me. Places like Macys, Forever 21, Anchor Blue, etc I can’t ever see myself doing that job because I will for sure screw it up.

Ahhh I don’t know I just want to curl up with my ipod and live in my dreams where I don’t ever have to wake up.

Here’s a dancing video of myself on youtube:
This is the only way I truly feel comfortable and confident with myself, so I share it with others to make me feel better.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9prXleBRR0

If you read all of it, I thank you so so so much. Or even half of it or just any of it really. Thank you for listening to what I have to say. It means a lot!

[gaia]

Sept 27, 2008 16:59:25 GMT -5 famfnl said:

I have a hard time finding out what career I want to pursue in. I want a job that doesn’t involve me talking a lot because of my shy problem and inability to speak (I choke up a lot)

A lot of people, even non-shy, have a difficult time deciding what career path to take. I'm not trying to undermine your feelings, but I just want to remind you that it's not uncommon.

Sept 27, 2008 16:59:25 GMT -5 famfnl said:

I’m terrified of taking a speech class. I will NEVER ever take that class EVEN IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT. I’m dead serious on that. That’s how bad I hate it. I know that I will choke up, faint, cry, or do something embarrassing.

Public speaking is a big issue. Once again, even non-shy people sometimes have issues with it.
The worst of all the things listed that can happen, is fainting. And if you did, how do you think people would react? Would they think "she's so screwed up", or would they think "that poor girl, is she ok?" ?
I've given catastrophic class presentations in my time, but people weren't mean about my shyness.
One presentation I did involved debating, and the whole class had to vote for who they thought was 'best' at the end. Much to my surprise, every single person (but one) voted for me. Yes, it was probably out of pity... but at least they didn't tease me.

Sept 27, 2008 16:59:25 GMT -5 famfnl said:

I’m very emotional and sensitive.

Quite possibly a root of your anxiety. My personal theory is that if you're a sensitive person, you're quite likely to be shy.

Sept 27, 2008 16:59:25 GMT -5 famfnl said:

I talk with myself to my bedroom mirror to sort out my feelings. I may seem like a crazy person but it really helps me get out the things that are on my mind. I don’t know if anybody else does this too.

You are absolutely not a crazy person. This is a good technique (that a lot of self-help gurus recommend) to help you work things through.

Sept 27, 2008 16:59:25 GMT -5 famfnl said:

I get so screwed up in the head that I just feel so useless and worthless in this world that I just want to end it. But I would never commit suicide. I even sometimes tell God to just take me away. I don’t belong here and I am sure of it. I feel so secluded and lost. I’m in my third year of college and am still undecided.

As frustrating as it can be to hear, there is still time to change and make life better. Don't ever give up hope.

Sept 27, 2008 16:59:25 GMT -5 famfnl said:

I ‘m just not proud of myself; not proud of who I am; I’ve been wanting to change but I find it impossible.

You got some bodies hidden under that floorboard?
In all seriousness, what part makes you 'not proud of who you are'? What part of you makes you feel like this?
You are all you have. You need to learn to work with it.

Sept 27, 2008 16:59:25 GMT -5 famfnl said:

I’ve gotten to college and have made ZERO friends. The friends that I have now are from high school and elementary school. But I still feel like I have no friends because I can’t open up myself to them and tell them what is really going on with me. I feel totally embarrassed if I do.

At least you have a few older friends. That's good.
Making new ones can be very tough, particularly for us shy people.
But if you have identified that the issue concerning you the most is being unable to open up, then that's what you need to work on.
Having emotions/anxieties/worries aren't something to be embarassed about. It's what makes you human. Plus, if you actually listen, a lot of people complain/rant to their friends. Probably more often than not a conversation is purely just someboby releasing tension (in my experience, anyway).

Sept 27, 2008 16:59:25 GMT -5 famfnl said:

I answered “dancing”. Well, the reason why I teared up is because I have the talent as I have been told but I have no confidence and I can’t handle rejections and auditions and that just hurts me really bad. My heart wants to dance but I can’t get myself there because of who I am.

This could be a really good way to get yourself feeling more confident.
Rejection at auditions is not personal.
This probably sounds like i've watched too many episodes of the Next Top Model series, but at the end of the day, they're viewing you as a product. Are you something worth investing in, for their gain?
It's not a reflection on your character if you get 'rejected'. At all.
Dancing is indeed a career you could have. You don't have to be the star of a big show either, if you don't want to.
You could get into being a teacher and running your own workshops. And that could be with kids, teens or adults.
There are numerous possibilities.

Sept 27, 2008 16:59:25 GMT -5 famfnl said:

I am trying to find a job because I need the money to help my family out BUT I don’t have any skills. I don’t know what kind of job to apply for. I don’t want to work at the mall. I would like an office job where I won’t have to answer the phone or deal with people. But I don’t know any jobs like that. Can anybody help me out? I do type like 65 wpm and am comfortable with the computer and internet. But I don’t know, I just feel so useless and hopeless as far as finding the right job for me.

Maybe some admin/clerical work would suit you.
... Do you know (or anyone else on SU) if you have something like the Job Centre over there?
Perhaps contacting a recruitment agency might help?

Sept 27, 2008 16:59:25 GMT -5 famfnl said:

I did get a Pharmacy Technician certification but I can’t handle the environment of dealing with customers all day.

Would you consider working part-time there? It might give you time to build up some confidence, until you are ready for full time work again.
The reason I ask, is that finding work is difficult if you don't have many qualifications...
I've been looking and applying (for admin roles) for a long time now, and haven't even got interviewed once. I'm thinking that may purely be down to the fact I have no formal IT qualifications.

Sept 27, 2008 16:59:25 GMT -5 famfnl said:

I’ve met a guy online and we’ve chatted for many months now and we both like each other a lot. We’ve talked a few times on the phone. He’s actually the one who’s mostly talking. I don’t know why he still likes me because of that. He knows that I have a shy issue and he says he does too but I don’t believe it because he sounds so comfortable on the phone. I’ve blew him off twice when he asked me out because I’m scared that I won’t say a single word. I just don’t know what to do. He told me last night that he’s going to soon ask me to be his gf but we haven’t even gone on a DATE! I just don’t get it lol I feel like I’m doing all the wrong things but he’s still interested in me.

Isn't this encouraging to you? He seems really into you.
And the fact he hasn't been mad at you, in spite of you feeling unable to go for a date, goes to show he probably has a lot of patience and understanding in this matter.
From what i've read it seems as though he won't push you into doing anything you're not comfortable with.
What i'm saying is, take a chance. And don't push him away!

Sept 27, 2008 16:59:25 GMT -5 famfnl said:

Ahhh I don’t know I just want to curl up with my ipod and live in my dreams where I don’t ever have to wake up.

Ha.. me too. Pity it isn't that simple.

Sept 27, 2008 16:59:25 GMT -5 famfnl said:

Here’s a dancing video of myself on youtube:
This is the only way I truly feel comfortable and confident with myself, so I share it with others to make me feel better.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9prXleBRR0

Ok. You weren't telling lies. You are very talented.

Sept 27, 2008 16:59:25 GMT -5 famfnl said:

If you read all of it, I thank you so so so much.

Likewise. This answer is pretty long too. Phew.

[Procster]

Hello famfnl Anything I say will probably end up being totally inadequate compared to Gaia's excellent answer, but oh well. Just wanted to say I understand about everything you said, much of it applies to me as well. Im absolutely going to have to get a job soon and i dont even know how im going to start, hah..

But anyway, its wonderful you have someone so interested in you as this guy appears to be, I think you're very lucky in that regard And, your dancing is amazing! Dont know how you can do that in front of people..! You said its because you dont have to talk, myself I dont like people noticing me at all

But what you can do there is great, a way to attract some attention without having to approach and talk to people perhaps?

[Sweet Pea]

if it helps, sounds like you found the right place.

[famfnl]

OH MY GOSH! I wasn't even expecting an answer like that! Thank you sooo much Gaia...wow..im still shocked that you answered almost every sentence. I can't thank you enough. Yeah, you are right about alot of the stuff. What's an SU by the way??

Well to answer your questions about why I'm not proud of myself: I could be a much stronger person but I cry at the most little things that shouldn't effect me. I need to be more outgoing/sociable. I know I can be but that person just stays inside. I am Leo and Leos are very sociable people. I am like the total opposite. It just hurts me that I am capable of being that person because when I talk things through in my room...I have lots of things to say but when I'm with my friends, I dont say too much. Then, I get all mad at myself.

Anyways, I dont want to continue writing too much. I dont wanna be all selfish or anything. I also want to thank Procster for responding as well. Yeah, I'm glad you know what I'm talking about as well. Good luck finding a job too!! I'm really happy that I found this site. Now I dont feel so disconnected

Oh, by the way, I took a chance and I went out with the guy tonight. I had a great time as well. I knew I had to because I knew that I'd regret it someday.

Have a great day everybody!!

[Procster]

Sept 29, 2008 4:12:43 GMT -5 famfnl said:

Oh, by the way, I took a chance and I went out with the guy tonight. I had a great time as well. I knew I had to because I knew that I'd regret it someday.

Wonderful!

Sept 29, 2008 4:12:43 GMT -5 famfnl said:

I'm really happy that I found this site. Now I dont feel so disconnected

Yea, finding this site made me feel better too. I wasnt even aware that 'social anxiety disorder' was a known condition

[gaia]

Sept 29, 2008 4:12:43 GMT -5 famfnl said:

OH MY GOSH! I wasn't even expecting an answer like that!

Got nothing better to do with my time. lolol.

Sept 29, 2008 4:12:43 GMT -5 famfnl said:

What's an SU by the way??

I was too lazy to type out "Shy United" fully.

Sept 29, 2008 4:12:43 GMT -5 famfnl said:

Well to answer your questions about why I'm not proud of myself: I could be a much stronger person but I cry at the most little things that shouldn't effect me. I need to be more outgoing/sociable. I know I can be but that person just stays inside. I am Leo and Leos are very sociable people. I am like the total opposite. It just hurts me that I am capable of being that person because when I talk things through in my room...I have lots of things to say but when I'm with my friends, I dont say too much. Then, I get all mad at myself.

It's a tough thing to deal with, I completely understand.

Like the other day, my Dad was putting all the videos of me (and my brother & sister) as little kids on to one DVD. We were all wathcing them together.
Seeing myself as a confident, loud (and somewhat annoying ;D) little girl was quite tough to deal with, because i've become the opposite now.
However, it's promising to know the potential is there... and that's what you need to hold on to.

Sept 29, 2008 4:12:43 GMT -5 famfnl said:

Oh, by the way, I took a chance and I went out with the guy tonight. I had a great time as well. I knew I had to because I knew that I'd regret it someday.

You go girl!

[famfnl]

Thank you guys again for responding! Hey, I hadn't even heard of social anxiety disorder. So, now I finally know what is wrong with me :/

Gaia, yeah it's so odd how your personality can change quickly and in a total opposite direction.

By the way, how do you guys quote what I said and then comment about it. I'm trying to figure it out, but I can't find the button or anything

[Sweet Pea]

Sept 30, 2008 17:12:22 GMT -5 famfnl said:

Thank you guys again for responding! Hey, I hadn't even heard of social anxiety disorder. So, now I finally know what is wrong with me :/

Gaia, yeah it's so odd how your personality can change quickly and in a total opposite direction.

By the way, how do you guys quote what I said and then comment about it. I'm trying to figure it out, but I can't find the button or anything

sent you a pm. hey, aren't you gonna share the gory details of your date? did you go dancing?

[Astroruss]

Sept 30, 2008 17:12:22 GMT -5 famfnl said:

Thank you guys again for responding! Hey, I hadn't even heard of social anxiety disorder. So, now I finally know what is wrong with me :/

Gaia, yeah it's so odd how your personality can change quickly and in a total opposite direction.

By the way, how do you guys quote what I said and then comment about it. I'm trying to figure it out, but I can't find the button or anything

Like how I'm doing now, there is an insert quote button on the right side of the reply menu. The quoted section will be placed within the open and closed quote brackets.

For example, let me quote you on something to show you how;

I am trying to find a job because I need the money to help my family out BUT I don’t have any skills. I don’t know what kind of job to apply for. I don’t want to work at the mall. I would like an office job where I won’t have to answer the phone or deal with people. But I don’t know any jobs like that. Can anybody help me out? I do type like 65 wpm and am comfortable with the computer and internet. But I don’t know, I just feel so useless and hopeless as far as finding the right job for me.

See? I quoted a whole paragraph by you with barely any effort at all. What I did was;

Hit the Insert Button above the emoticons,

Highlighted the section of text from another person that I wanted to quote and respond to. Then I pressed Control + C, for Copy.

Then I placed my cursor in between the quote brackets and pressed Control + V, for Paste.

Then, I hit the Return key and typed under what you wrote.

And insert Smiley Emoticon when finished. That always makes me feel better when I type it, and I know it'll work for you too.

[gaia]

Sept 30, 2008 18:18:58 GMT -5 Sweet Pea said:

hey, aren't you gonna share the gory details of your date? did you go dancing?

lol. Sweet Pea, give the girl some privacy!

Sept 30, 2008 17:12:22 GMT -5 famfnl said:

By the way, how do you guys quote what I said and then comment about it. I'm trying to figure it out, but I can't find the button or anything

On the top right hand side of the post, there is a Quote button. Just click it, and it takes you to a new page where you write your reply.
Not quite sure what Russ is up to there with his technique, but i'm sure it's just as effective.

[Sweet Pea]

Sept 30, 2008 22:26:05 GMT -5 gaia said:

Sept 30, 2008 18:18:58 GMT -5 Sweet Pea said:

hey, aren't you gonna share the gory details of your date? did you go dancing?

lol. Sweet Pea, give the girl some privacy!

hell, no! she made it public property by announcing it! ;D

[famfnl]

Oct 1, 2008 1:10:37 GMT -5 Sweet Pea said:

Sept 30, 2008 22:26:05 GMT -5 gaia said:

lol. Sweet Pea, give the girl some privacy!

hell, no! she made it public property by announcing it! ;D

Alright Ima try to see if this quote thing worked okay. Well Sweet Pea, we did not go dancing. Hopefully next time we will We went to see a movie and afterwards played at the arcade a little. We hadnt really planned to have our first date that night but oh well...it turned out really great!

thanks you guys for helpin me out on the quoting!!

[nicole555]

"I talk with myself to my bedroom mirror to sort out my feelings. I may seem like a crazy person but it really helps me get out the things that are on my mind. I don’t know if anybody else does this too. "

I do!! It's not crazy-it helps me a lot

[coat]

oh my god. I am crying. I could relate so much to what you put n I'm tearing up!!
I haven't got any friends at college either, only from secondary school and they I bet, are slowely and gradually forgetting about me. The whole suicide thing is so true, you just want it to end but could never do that. How much I would LOVE to work in a store n earn my keep so I could stop sponging off my dad, but I just couldn't do it!