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Post by collectcall on Aug 19, 2009 0:40:30 GMT -5
So lets get things started shall we. Born in a summer in the 80s which i cant quite remember (for obvious reasons of being really small). Elementary/primary school was alright for me (as far as i can remember, which isnt much). I think i was fortunate in the sense that I wasnt really picked on or isolated as a young child, i had friends, played soccer, walked in the sun and snow, maybe even danced with daisies under my feet, lol... i was overweight, i suppose that bothered me in hindsight but at the time, im not sure if i thought it was such a big deal (thanks to the nievety of children). MIddle school, grades 7-8, was a bit of a shcck for me. I came from a 'good' school with 'good' teachers and all of use were 'good' kids, i suppose i wasnt ready to be thrown in a pool of 700-800 kids with all their diversities. I retreated into myself i suppose, found it hard to make any friends, to talk to people, girls especially. All the usual things that I would think we've all experienced at one time or another. My grades suffered a bit, my parents were upset with me because id spend the afternoons and summers alone in the basement, playing video games or reading. I lost touch with all of my friends from before, didnt really make new ones until i was about to move into highschool, and even then they were mostly school friends, whom i would never see outside of the cafeteria or class. Later on i would spend a lot of time with them, but being 13-14 at the time i suppose i was upset, and threw the blame on others for whatever social difficulties i was experiencing in those days. High school was alright, found out that the people i was hanging around had a lot of the same interests, life goals, as i did. (maybe it was because we had spent at least some time together, maybe i changed or they changed, one can never be sure of such things considering im calling up these memories after a long time in hibernation) Marks were alright at the beginning, but got better with age and patience and all those things that come with getting taller.... even met a girl that i kinda liked and kinda liked me, but i suppose i was still too 'good' at that age of 16-17, with hormones pumping and social conditions permissive i suppose i could have had a real physical relation with her as well, but it never came to pass. I think it was me, i was afraid, and excited to , at the fact that i could have a close, personal relation with someone, that i could identify with someone. And the months or so that we shared conversations with i never tried to kiss her; i think after a while she was fed up, she moved on to something she was ready for and something i wasnt ready for at the time, a real 'adult' relationship. I was always a relatively quiet person, only raises his hand when he has thought about his question or answer for a few minutes, makes sure to avoid the big crowds. Never really picked on either, genetics providing me with adolescent growth on par with most people, as far as physical attributes go. Made quick comments to people who liked to hear them, changed what i said and how i said it depending on where i was: spoke intelligently in class when teachers were the listeners, used the appropriate slang terms and derogatory comments given the social situation i found myself in.... this doesnt really sound like shy but hold on a minute... i had those friends i mentioned but still spent a lot of my time on my own. I left home for university, looked forward to being out on my own, ready to make my mark on the world, ready to become the person i always wanted to be. My dreams and ability were matching and all i needed was the learning and certification to be able to do what i wanted, to make that difference in the world. I dont think i was ready for it... i spent most of my time alone, had a roommate i didnt really talk to, but who was pretty nice, didnt make new friends, and lost most of the old one i had or our relations changed so that i couldnt really call them friends anymore. I dont blame anyone, two people need to come to the table in a real friendship dont they? and two people need to leave it for it to genuinely fall apart, it was more a growing apart, a growing away, It didnt feel the same as before. Started drinking a bit, got the reputation for it, (which being in rez kinda makes one cool, doesnt it?) still did pretty well in school, all things considered. Ended up in a hospital as a result of my bad habits, spent a week there, and went home before my first year ended. Tried school again the following september, been working in the early mornings moving things at a retail store. Been like that for 3 years, bummed around school, double major psych and philosophy (with a minor in bio just to even things out ) im really nice, and kind, and approachable, and make acquaintances rediculously easy, thats the easy part for me, but i still spend most of my time alone. Tried asking a girl out a few months ago, she said no, dont think its my fault though...ive a pretty decent self concept, for a shy person (if u can call me that). or more so, in my old age i see that that self defeating thinking isnt helping, is actually hurting, that secure people dont have those thoughts. And that for the most part beating up on yourself is like making a bunch of assumptions about who you are that probably arent true. err so there it is, am i shy? i think so, theres a lot of spaces to fill in there, but for the reader of this, if there are any out there, ill save you the details for another time. Wat do i really want from this post? i dont know, its just late at night and i feel to communicate something about myself, as if it mattered to anyone else but me. It might matter or it might not, but it is now out of my hands. thanks
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gaia
New Member
Posts: 9
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Post by gaia on Aug 19, 2009 5:50:30 GMT -5
Ohh fresh blood. Welcome aboard. ;D Feel free to make lots of posts like this (the board isn't quite as active as it used to be). And yes, i've actually read all this post. Yeah I know, i've got too much time on my hands. But anyway, it sounds like you've learned some lessons on your journey so far, which is good. And you have a positive attitude. You're not doing too badly, all things considered.
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Post by Naptaq on Aug 19, 2009 9:51:03 GMT -5
I like your writing style.
Welcome to the forum. It's pretty much a desert here right now, but it'll get busier the colder it gets.
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Aug 23, 2009 15:12:05 GMT -5
err so there it is, am i shy? i think so, theres a lot of spaces to fill in there, but for the reader of this, if there are any out there, ill save you the details for another time. Wat do i really want from this post? i dont know, its just late at night and i feel to communicate something about myself, as if it mattered to anyone else but me. It might matter or it might not, but it is now out of my hands. thanks I'm not sure you really want someone's response to this, but I think that if you think you're shy, you probably are...or at least have some shy tendencies. Being quiet/introverted is also different from shyness. It's said that most people have/do/or will experience shyness on some level in their lifetime. And it's important to remember that shyness exists to different degrees, so it's different for everyone. Anyway, thanks for sharing your story. I always find it interesting to learn of others' backgrounds.
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Post by collectcall on Aug 24, 2009 18:52:13 GMT -5
I was walking home on a half-mooned night, dragging my feet through the neighbourhoods and down the paths ive wandered so many times before. Watching the trees sway in the kind of summer breeze you hear people talk about, but are never witness to yourself. Looking up at the street lights as they illuminate the way for this melancholy midnight man. It suddenly occurs to me. Aside from my mother i have not spoken with anyone today...there was that girl, at the door to the library, who i said hello to when our eyes met for a brief instant (you know the ones we like to romanticize about). Then there was the moment that i ordered coffee from starbucks (dark roast, black ->except sometimes i like to put honey in it, the bitter/sweet contrast tickles my tongue).... But can I seriously say to myself that these two moments can pass for speech? can pass for that kind of genuine communication we're all looking for?.. and it seems to me that i can weave my way through the world, avoiding eye contact and conversation, or i can become genuinely engaged in life. Living as if it matters; being happy with the way things are and where they are going. And all thats getting in my way are the shackles of shyness, that sink hole of social anxiety. THe kind that makes my heart pulse when i have a question to ask in class, or when I catch someone giving me a wayward glance. All i really need, all we really need, is to get over that something that prevents us from interacting with people the way we want to,... and then we can go on! right?!?! But is that really the case? I build up this world, in my mind, that if only i acted this way and not that way, that if i could just make the first step then everything will be ok.... But will it? Is the only thing that trips me up on my travels through life, that fear I get (more often than id like, but not always) of seeing someone 'face to face'. Of actually disclosing who i am to someone. Of looking at someone and knowing they're looking back at me. Even as i type these words my body trembles at the prospect. Its something i want...that i think i want very much.... but for so many reasons I feel this shyness has sabotaged whatever i had to look forward to. But is THAT really the case - that once i manoeuver through these moments in my life, that Ill be alright...? That once i take care of this one character flaw called shyness, I can really live the life people envy? And when i think this to myself, im not sure how positive an answer i can give. Picture you're in a dark room, and you fumble your way around, stretching out your hands to grab onto something, but theres nothing there to grab. You trip and fall on your knees, you crawl on the floor because thats all there is for you right now, ...(and u say to yourself what a marvelous invention the floor is..., people think wheels and sliced bread....but where would we be without floors!)...you crawl in confusion, you try to keep your head up but eventually give in, what use is it anyways? And all the dark thoughts of your life un-lived creep up on you. You're at the edge of despair and at the edge of the world. And all of a sudden you feel a point of hope on the horizon, your eyes scan and you see a light, and you move towards it. Slowly at first, because you're afraid you'll fall again, but as you get closer you move faster, and you feel your heart pumping life through you with every step you take. You reach the source. A closed door. And the light on the other side creeps through the cracks on the edges. And its at this point you feel most afraid,... all the long years of your life you've crawled in the darkness, and now this rectangular rebel threatens to change it all. You WANT to step into the light, you WANT so much to leave the darkness behind you. But doubt creeps into your mind on whats on the other side...., what will you see? So encountered with this fear what are we to do? We know whats in the darkness, we bitch and complain all the time about it. But making that next step seems so hard....and what if i dont like whats on the other side? And to that all i can say is this: that i dont know. I dont know whats on the other side, and im filled with fear and doubt,... but I never will know unless i make that step. THeres nothing left for me in the darkness, im tired of running away, i need to run TOWARDS something. So armed with this sound rationality, this apparent wisdom,.. I can go on! ....right?!?! But thats not the case. Because its easy to think, to say, to type on a message board my thinking. Its so much harder to do. TO GO ON. and this is where i am in my life. ..... THanks to all your responses, they are very encouraging.
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Aug 24, 2009 23:27:46 GMT -5
^ That was really interesting to read, an excellent way of expressing it. I can relate to those feelings completely.
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Post by collectcall on Sept 16, 2009 22:00:03 GMT -5
ack! its been like 3 or so weeks since I've posted here. And i wish i could say that ive been busy living life to the fullest, experiencing every moment as if for the first time...savouring every instance as if it were my last in this life. I really do wish i could ... and ill let you guys finish that sentence.
So im going along well enough, how are you guys doing? Really!?!?! thats fascinating, wow, you're all so very smart and talented and funny and nice and good looking. And me? well im just in a silly mOOOOd is all.
So school is back in session. Back to the books and watching people walk around with purpose as i stand still or stumble my way from one building to another. Or at least thats how it feels sometimes, when we look around at us. And really, is this not an externalization of the sadness inside? When we look around and see everyone as confident and strong and intelligent, and when we look in the mirror to feel so small and simple and silly. Theres a good sum of psychological explanations for all this business of belittling oneself, but is it not better to embrace the brokenness that betrays our beloved ascriptions of belief in the better qualities of our... brother from another mother??? well...no i dont think so, but lets cool things down a bit, and ill let y'all in on what ive been thinking about lately.
i had a 4 hour break today from classes today, and instead of going home to eat or take a nap; and instead of engaging with my peers or trying to make friends and enter into a genuine dialogue with someone; i decided to take a scenic walk along a river that runs by the school. And its strange, that i find these places that most people dont seem to know about, or look for, or like. And it makes them special to me, but in all cases i find myself alone. Its a really liberating sense, feeling you can go anywhere, that you dont have to be anywhere at anytime. That no one is waitng for you, anywhere. Untied to the world; unbound from the braces of convention and commitement. Its first-world freedom...but i think i buy it at a price. When the wind blows and the whispers on her waves are all the words directed at you that day, one cannot help but feel a sense of....solemn solitude.
I walked through a field, children running by a playground in the distance, a man in a wheelchair in the basketball court to my left. The wind strangely cold even for a late Canadian summer. One of my professors in a 'special topic' course has chosen Buddhist ethics. And primed with a reading I had done the day before, a contemplative-indecisive look comes to my eye. The text involves a monk consoling a dying woman, as she lays in bed he speaks to her of the nature of how the world is from the buddhist perspective, and how she can use this as a source of comfort and peace in her dying moments. Here I will reproduce a quote that had struck me, that strikes me, as... relevant to the business that goes on here:
"... This is your own work, nobody else's. Leave others to do their own work. You have your own duty and responsibility and you dont have to take on those of your family. Dont take anything else on, let it all go. That letting go will make your mind calm. Your sole responsibility right now is to focus your mind bring it to peace. Leave everything else to others. Forms, sounds, odours, tastes - leave them to others to attend to. Put everything behind you and do your own work, fulfill you own responsibility. Whatever arises in your mind, be it fear of pain, fear of death, anxiety about others or whatever, say to it "Don't disturb me. You're not my business anymore." Just keep saying this to yourself when you see those (things) arise...."
Theres a lot of follow up to that, but thats the core of what i wanted to show, and my interpretation of how we can use it here.
what im taking from this, and what i think is a generality from buddhism, is that our main concern needs to be to better ourselves (to the end of enlightenment, but i think we can ignore that for these purposes)... and to better ourselves they claim that detachment is the way. Now i would not advocate that as the be all and end all, but i think that sense of detachment can be an important idea. If i could apply it to one thing in particular.
Imagine this shyness was like a coat we could take off and put on. That sometimes we would want it off, when we want to go outside and play, or run around, or when its too hot. That sometimes we would want it on, when its cold or its raining, or sometimes coats are just fashionable things to wear. Could shyness not be like this?, at times good and at times bad,... at times its a comfortable feel and other times it is an unwelcome guest. At times we want it and at times we dont? and lets just wonder for a moment, if we could be so bold as to think we could take it off whenever we want.
So you're wondering... well mr.collectcall, if that is your real name, how does one take off shyness? And to that well, im not quite sure yet... if i knew i could tell you. And there are so many people here whos advice sounds genuinely good, but if we could all put it into practice then maybe we wouldnt feel the way we do. I cant claim that my business here is to solve peoples problems. I DONT KNOW ANYTHING. But what i want to do is extend my hand to whoever would take it, and say that i am lost in the woods with you, i can tell you what i think i know. And thats all i can really do.
And there was a hint of promise near the end of that quote; it just gave me this wonderful feeling of empowerment. Im hopeful. Im a fool. I have a fool's hope. And thats what keeps me wandering through the fields on the darkest of days. To think i could just leave all the bad circumstance and failures behind me; that it would fall off like a coat that ive outgrown. That i could just turn around and say:
"Don't disturb me. You're not my business anymore."
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Post by zerosum on Sept 20, 2009 19:24:59 GMT -5
Indeed. Interesting thoughts. It's comforting to think that maybe one day I will be able to say that and let it all fall away, knowing that it's not something that defines me; it's not something that I need. Suddenly, it doesn't seem like such an impossible idea. What text were you reading?
Also, going back to your previous post - for me at least, part of the fear is not knowing what others would see in me once I step past that door.
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Post by collectcall on Oct 21, 2009 10:13:58 GMT -5
Im not sure exactly what it is (indeed im not sure of many things); but i feel poorly equipped to go about the business of living.
There is school and there is work and there is the leisure time in between. Sometimes my heart is lifted up with the morning sun and sometimes it drips with the tumbling rain.
All this movement, this entropy - for what? to what end? What am I working towards and why do i do it? And when the answer is as empty as the open ocean; i shudder in the void.
I see a pretty figure floating here and there; away in the distance. Her hair dances in the autumn wind; the scarlet scarf about her neck flows with every step she takes on high-heeled toes. The leaves swirl around - random and beautiful - their contrast of colours a natural collage that converge on her. She bites her lip and looks down at the ground.... Her solemn eyes reflect the shadow in mine. I have thrown an idea on her, my thoughts and perceptions are now part of the experience. Even when i try to express what is seen i take away so much. YOU now have a picture in your mind that is not what i had seen in the first place. The original perception was so... beautiful. The life and love of the world emerge from every single moment - and every now and then when things line up just right i think i can 'see it clearly'.
But lately my business is the business of solitude. I look out through the window and into the world and see such pretty things; all to conclude that its not really my business being out there - not yet at least. I work towards those goals, those ideals ... and the work weighs on me every day. But it is my business and no one else's - others can inform me or even hold my hand - but i must take the next step.
I remind myself of all the world of fault and failure behind me. I dont hold onto it, but i know its a part of me - I cannot seperate from it entirely, i dont think anyone really can. I dont think i want to either. My experiences have made me who i am; and i like who that person is. Its just - there are so many things i would change, im sure we all would.
And so i drag my feet through life, looking out windows, and in the mirror is reflected a shadow of the person i can be. So i say and feel this: I feel poorly equipped to go about the business of living.
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Post by collectcall on Nov 4, 2009 11:33:20 GMT -5
Zerosum - a while ago you asked about a text that i briefly quoted. I wasnt entirely sure that you would be able to find it, since i think the book from which it is a selection may be in a limited format (ofcourse i could be wrong). For both you and me i've decided to type up the text as i had found it in its entirety.
I suppose after spending a good deal reading and re-reading this selection; i feel it serves as a good introduction to buddhism. While i will save the critical anaylsis for a later date, there are a few things i want to point out... but i must warn those that
THIS WILL NOT BE A SHORT POST
ill throw some personal comments at the end and i'd like to mention briefly why this strikes me so very deeply now; and why i went through the trouble of taking a deeper look at it.
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Post by collectcall on Nov 4, 2009 11:38:06 GMT -5
Our Real Home - Ajahn Chah
Now determine in your mind to listen with respect to the dharma. During the time that i am speaking, be as attentive to my words as if it was the Lord Buddha himself sitting in front of you. Close your eyes and make yourself comfortable, compose your mind and make it one-pointed. Humbly allow the Triple Gem of wisdom, truth and purity to abide in your heart as a way of showing respect to the Fully Enlightened One.
Today i have brought nothing material of any substance to offer you, only dharma, the teachings of the Lord Buddha. Listen well, You should understand that even the Buddha himself, with his great store of accumulated virtue, could not avoid physical death. When he reached old age he relinquished his body and let go of its heavy burden. Now you too must learn to be satisfied with the many years you've already depended on your body. You should feel tha its enough.
You can compare it to household utensils that you've had for a long time - your cups, saucers, palates and so on. When you first had them, they were clean and shining, but now, after using them for so long, they're starting to wear out. Some are already broken, some have disappeared, and those that are left are deteriorating, they have not stable form, and its their nature to be like that. Your body is the same way - its been continually changing right from the day you were born, through childhood and youth, until now its reached old age. You must accept that. The buddha said that conditions, whether they are internal conditions, bodily conditions or external conditions are not-self, their nature is to change. Contemplate this truth until you see it clearly.
Tgis very lump of flesh that lies here in decline is satyadharma, the truth. The truth of this body is satyadharma, and it is the unchanging teaching of the buddha. The buddha taught us to look at the body, to contemplate it and to come to terms with its nature, We must be abke ti be at peace with the body , whatever stat it is in. The buddha taught that we should ensure that its only the body that is locked up in jail and not let the mnind be imprisoned akong with it. Now as your body begins to run down and deteriorate with age dont resist that, but dont let your mind deteriorate with it, keep the mid separate. The lord buddha taught that this is the nature of the body , it cant be any other way, having been born it gets old and sick and then it dies. This is the great truth that you are presently encoutering. Look at the body with wisdom and realize it.
Even if your house is flooded or burnt to the ground, what ever the danger that threatens it, let it concern only the house. If theres a flood, dont let it flood your mind. If there a fire dont let it burn your heart, let it be merely the house, that which is external to you, that is flooded and burned. Allow the mind to let go of its attachments. The time is ripe.
Youve been alive a long time. Your eyes have seen and number of froms and colours, your ears have heard so many sounds, you've had any number of experiences. And thats all they were - just experiences. Youve eaten delicious foods and all the good tastes were just good tastes, nothing more. The unpleasant tastes were just unpleasant tastes, thats all. If the eye sees a beautiful form thats all it is, just a beautiful form. An ugly form is just an ugly form. The ear hears and entrancing, melodic sound and its nothing more than that. A grating, disharmonious sound is simply so.
The buddha said that rich or poor, young or old, human and animan, no being in this world can maintain itself in any one stat for long, everything expereinces change and estrangement. This is a fact of life that we can do nothing to remedy. But the buddha said that what we can do is to contemplate the body and mind so as to see their impersonality, see that neither of them is 'me' or 'mine'. They have a merely provisional reality. Its like this house, its only nominally yours, you couldnt take it with you anywhere. Its the same with your wealth, your possessions, your family - theyre all yours only in name, the dont really belong you, they belong to nature. Now this truth doest apply to you alone, everyone is in the same position, even the lord buddha and his enlightened disciples. They differed from us in only one respect and that was in their acceptrance of the way things are, they saw that it could be no other way.
So the buddha taught us to scan and examine this body, from the soles of the feet up to the crown of the head and then back down again. Just take a look at the body. What sort of things do you see? Is there anything intrinsically clean there? Can you find any abiding essence? This whole body is stadily degenerating and the buddha taught to see that it doesnt belong to us. Its natural for the body to be this way, because all conditioned phenomena are subject to change. How else would you have it be? Actually there's nothing wrong with the way the body is. Its not the body that causes you suffering, its your wrong thinking. When you see the right wrongly, there's bound to be confusion.
Its like the water of a river. It naturally flows down the gradient, it never flows against it, thats its nature. If a person was to go and stand on a river bank and seeing the water flowing swiftly down its course, foolishly want it to flow back up the gradient, he would suffer. Whatever he was doing his wrong thinking would allow him no peace of mind. He would be unhappy because of his wrong view, thinking against the steam. If he had right view he would see that the water must inevitable flow down the gradient and until he realizes and accepted that fact the man would be agitated and upset.
The river that must flow down the gradient is like your body. Having been young your body's become old and now its meandering towards its death. Dont go wishing it was otherwise, its not something you have the power to remedy. The buddha told us to see the way things are and then let go of our clinging to them. Take this feeling of letting go as your refuge. Keep meditating even if you feel tired and exhausted. Let your mind dwell with the breath. Make this practice habitual. The more exhausted you feel the more subtl and focused your concentration must be, so that you can cope with the painful sensations that arise. When you start to feel fatigued then bring all your thinking to a halt, let the mind gather itself together and then turn to knowing the breath. Just keep up the inner recitation BUD-DHO, let go of all externals. Dont go grasping at thoughts of your children and relatives, dont grasp at anything whatsoever. Let go. Let the mind unite in a single point and let that composed mind dwell with the breath. Let the breath be its sole object of knowledge. Concentrate until the mind becomes increasingly subtly, until feelings are insignificant and there is great inner clarity and wakefulness. Then when painful sensations arise they will gradually cease of their own accord. Finally youll look on the breath as if it was a relative come to visit you. When a relative leaves, we follow him out and see him off. We watch until hes walked or drive out of sight, and then we go back indoors. We watch the breath in the same way. If the breath is coarse, we know that its coarse, if its subtle; we know that its subtle. As it becomes increasingly fine, we keep following it, while simultaneously awakening the mind. Eventualy the breath disappears altogether and all that remains is the feeling of wakefulness. This is called meeting the buddha. We have that clear wakeful awareness that is called buddho, the one who knows, the one who is awake, the radiant one. It is meeting and dwelling with the buddha, with knowledge and clarity. For it was only the historical flesh-and-blood buddha that entered pari-nirvana, the true buddha, the buddha that is clear radiant knowing, we can still experience and attain today, and when we do, the heart is one.
So let go, put everything down, everything except the know. Dont be fooled if visions or sounds arise in your mind during meditation. Put them all down. Dont take hold of anything at all. Just stay with this nodual awareness. Dont worry about the past or the future, just be still and you will reach the place where theres no advancing, no retreating and no stopping, where theres nothing to grasp at or cling to. Why? Because theres no self, no 'me' or 'mine'. Its all gone.
The buddha taught us to be emptied of everything in this way, not to carry anything with us. To know, and having known, let go.
Realizing the dharma, the path the freedom from the round of birth and death, is a task that we all have to do alone. So keep trying to let go and to understand the teachings. Really put effoprt into you contemplation. Dont worry about your family. At the moment they are as they are, in the future they will be like you. Theres no one in the world who can escape this fate. The buddha told us to put down everything that lacks a real abiding substance. If you put everything down you will see the truth, if you dont you wont. Thats the way it is and its the same for everyone in the world. So dont worry and dont grasp at anything. Even if you find yourself thinking, well thats all right too, as long as you think wisely. Dont think foolishly. If you think of your children think of them with wisdom, not with foolishness. Whatever th emind turns to, then think and know that think with wisdom, aware of its nature. If you know something with wisdom then you let it go and there no suffering. The mind is bright, joyful and at peace, and turning away from distractions it is undivided. Right now what you can look to for help and support is your breath.
This is your own work, nobody else's. Leave others to do their won work. You have you own duty and responsibility and you dont have to take on those of your family. Dont tak anything else on, let it all go.. That letting go will make your mind calm. Your sole responsibility right now is to focus your mind and bring it to peace. Leave everything else to others. Forms, sounds, odours, tastes - leave them to others to atten to. Put everything behind you and do your own work, fulfill your own repsonsiblity, whatever arisese in your mind, be it fear of pain, fear of death, anxierty about others or whatever, say to it, 'dont disturb me. Youre not my business anymore'. Just keep saying this to yourself when you see those dharmas arise.
What does the word dharma refer to? Everything is a dharma. There is nothing that is not a dharma. And what about 'world'? The world is the very mental state that is agitating you at this moment. 'what will this person do? What will that person do? When im dead who will look after them? How will they manage?' this is all just 'the world'. Even the mere arising of a thought fearing death or pain is the world. Throw the world away! The world is the way it is. If you allow it to arise in the mind and dominate consciousness then the mind becomes obscured and cant see itself. So whatever appears in the mind just say, "this isnt my business. Its impermanent, unsatisfactory and not-self".
Thinking youd like to go on living for a long time will make you suffer. But thinking youd like to die right away or die very quickly isnt right either, its suffering, isnt it? Conditions dont belong to us; they follow their own natural laws. You cant do anything about the way the body is. You can prettify it a little, make it look attractive and clean for a while, like the young girls who paint their lips and let their nails grow long, but when old age arrives, everyones in the same boat. Thats the way the body is, you cant make it any other way. But what you can improve and beautify is the mind.
Anyone can build a house of wood and bricks, but the buddha taught that that sort of home is not our real home, its only nominally ours. Its a home in the world and it follows the ways of the world. Our real home is inner peace. An external material home may well be pretty but it is not very peaceful. Theres this worry and then that, this anxiety and then that. So we sat its not your real home, its external to us, sooner or late well have to give it up. Its not a place we can live in permanently because it doesnt truly belong to us, its part of the world. Our body is the same, we take it to be self, to be 'me' and 'mine' but in fact its not really so at all, its another worldly home. Your body has dollowed its natural course from virther until now, its old and suck and you cant forbid it from doing that, thats the way it is. Wanting to be different would be as foolish as wanting a duck to be like a chicken. When you see that thats impossible; that a duck has to be a duck, that a chicken has to be a chicken and that bodies have to get old and die, you will find strength and energy. However much you want the body to go on and last for a long time, it wont do that.
The pali word sankhara (samskara) refers to this body and mind. Sankharas are impermanent and unstable, having come into being they dissappear, having arisen they pass away and yet everyone wants them to be permanent. This is foolishness. Look at the breath.
Hvaing come in, its goes out, thats its nature, thats how it has to be. The inhalation and exhalation have to alternate, there must be change. Sankhara exist through change, you cant prevent it. Just think: could you exhale without inhaling? We want things to be permanent but they cant be, its impossible. Once the breath has come in, it must go out, when its gone out it comes in again and thats natural, isnt it? Having been born we get old and sick and then we die, and thats totally natural and normal. Its because sankharas have done their job, because the in-breaths and out-breaths have alternated in this way, that the human race is still here today.
As soon as were born, were dead. Our birth and our death are just one thing. Its like a tree; when theres a root, there must be twigs. When there are twigs, there must be a root. You cant have one withouth the other. Its a little dunny to see how at a death people are so grief-stricken and distracted, fearful and sad, and at a birth how happy and delighted. Its delusion; nobody has ever look at this clearly. I think if you really want to cry, then it would be better to do so when someones born. For actually birth is death, death is birth, the root is the twid, thr twid is the root. If youve got to cry, cry at the root,, cry at the birth. Look closely: if there was no birth, there would be no death. Can you understand this?
Dont think a lot. Just think, "this is the way things are". Its your work, your duty. Right now nobody can help you, there is nothing that your family and your possessions can do for you. All that can help you now is the correct awareness.
So dont waver. Let go. Throw it all away.
Even if you dont let go, everything is starting to leave anyway. Can you see that, how all the different parts of your body are trying to slip away? Tak your hair: when you were young, it was thick and blackl now its falling out. Its leaving. Your eyes used to be good and strong and now they're weak and your sight is unclear. When the organs have had enough, they leave; this isnt their home. When you were a child, your teeth were healthy and firm; now they're wobbly; perhaps youve got false ones. Your eyes, ears, nose, tongue - everything is trying to leave because this isnt their home. You cant make a permanent home in a samskara, you can stay for a short while and then you have to go. Its like a tenant watching over his tiny little house with failing eyes. His teeth arent so good, his ears arent so good, his bodys not so healthy, everything is leaving.
So you needn't worry about anything because this isnt your real home, its just a temporary shelter. Having come into this world you should contemplate its nature. Everything there is, is preparing to dissappear. Look at your body. Is there anything there thats still in its original form? Is your skin as it used to be? Is your hair? Its not the same is it? Where has everything gone? This is nature, the way things are. When their time is up, conditions go their way. This world is nothing to rely on - its an endless round of disturbance and trouble, pleasures and pain. There is no peace.
When we have no real home, were like an aimless traveler out on the road, going this way for a while and then that way, stopping for a while and then setting off again. Until we return to our real home, we feel ill-at-ease whatever were doing, just like one whose left his village to go on a journey. Only when he gets home agian can he really relax and be at ease.
Nowhere in the world is an real peace to be found. The poor have no peace and neither do the rich. Adults have no peace, children have no peace, the poorly educated have no peace, and neither do the highly educate. Theres no peace anywhere. That is the nature of the world.
Thos who have few possessions suffer and so do those who have many. Children, adults, the aged, everyone suffers. The suffering of being old, the suffering of being young, the suffering of being wealthy, and the suffering of being poor - its all nothing but suffering.
When you've contemplated things in this way, you'll see anitya, impermanence, and duhkha, unsatisfactoriness. Why are things impermanent and unsatsifactory? Its because they are anatman, not-self.
Both your body that is lying here sick and painful and the mind that is aware of its sickness and pain, are called dharmas. That which is formless, the thoughts, feelings and perceptions, is called namadharma. That which is racked with aches and pains is called rupadharma. The material is dharma and the immaterial is dharma. So we live with dharmas, in dharmas and we are dharma. In truth there's no self anywhere to be found, there are only dharmas continually arising and passing away, as is their nature. Every single moment we're undergoing birth and death. This is the way things are.
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Post by collectcall on Nov 4, 2009 12:03:40 GMT -5
COMMENTS well, its long, but luckily its all in one body In May 2009 my grandmother was diagnosed with an agressive form of breast cancer. 6 weeks ago it had spread to her lungs - they were filled with fluid and had to be drained. 2 weeks ago the doctors thought it had spread to her liver. Last week she was placed in a palliative care facility - one which does not accept patients expected to live more than 3 months. She has gone through 3 rounds of chemotherapy and one round of radiation therapy - all of which have slowed the progression temporarily - but nothing more. As she lays slipping in and out of consciousness - i sometimes sit by her hospital bed, talking to her when she is awake, and sometimes working on school business when she is not. My love for her is unconditional and naive and undying like an evergreen. And watching her waste away in pain and suffering leads me to despair. My complete feelings about this are unspeakable... that i dare only whisper it from time to time. and in such a state i find myself turning to the source material in the post above. What do i find there? well... I will be brief for the readers sake (and perhaps for my own), i do not completely agree with what is said by Mr Ajahn Chah - his metaphysics are profoundly different from what i can claim to know. He is sometimes depressing and unrealistic - who in this world will cry at birth the same as at death - how can he ask this of us? But there are so many things in there i find worthwhile - and relevant - given that the life of a loved one will soon be swept on a winters breeze. And this is what strikes me most; i feel this at the moment: "Its like the water of a river. It naturally flows down the gradient, it never flows against it, thats its nature. If a person was to go and stand on a river bank and seeing the water flowing swiftly down its course, foolishly want it to flow back up the gradient, he would suffer. Whatever he was doing his wrong thinking would allow him no peace of mind. He would be unhappy because of his wrong view, thinking against the steam. If he had right view he would see that the water must inevitable flow down the gradient and until he realizes and accepted that fact the man would be agitated and upset. " I would not be so foolish as to ask that anyone i loved be spared death ... i cannot ask that anyone be spared death; it is too much to ask for; it cannot be done. But knowing this brings me only a small amount of comfort. My sadness is irrational and wreckless - knowing that things can be no other way i still despair in the stream. Im really not sure why i put this all here...
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Post by collectcall on Nov 22, 2009 21:32:30 GMT -5
So for closures sake - my grandmother passed away last week; in her sleep. About 40 minutes or so before I got to the hospital.
Im confused. When i walk through the palliative hospital - posters on the walls, in the library - all talk about grief, and getting through it, and dealing with it. And to that i ask - well, what is grief? how do i know im experiencing it? ... because i do not have any intense feeling of pain or suffering; or regret or anger...about the way i acted in these testing times; or who my grandmother was. I dont think there was any 'baggage' so to say, or unfinished business... at least im pretty sure thats the case.
and so i disclose the thought about me; and perhaps others feel this tool; that perhaps i am very out of tune with what im really feeling. perhaps ive split and schisomed, or buried deep down, those necessary feelings that need to come out... and to that i say that im not so surprised.
Had all of us been well adjusted, wise, and competent in our emotional dealings with the world... i dont think this site would have come up. Had we all been able to do what we know was best we wouldn't be afflicted with this shyness.
But we arent better, we do need help... our lives are various parts of a train wreck; some nudged off the tracks, others upside down in a ditch... and we all hope that some day we'll get this mess cleaned up. Then we'll ride with smiles on our faces - down the tracks of life.
But these days are not so bright. Every day is shorter than the last - and the nights are colder than ever before. . . or so it seems in this part of the northern hemisphere. Its not unlike our moods to go with the weather, and perhaps its fitting that way.
Perhaps ... this is what grief is? The caress of winters chill inside ourselves...
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Post by collegeshy on Dec 11, 2009 16:10:09 GMT -5
So for closures sake - my grandmother passed away last week; in her sleep. About 40 minutes or so before I got to the hospital. Im confused. When i walk through the palliative hospital - posters on the walls, in the library - all talk about grief, and getting through it, and dealing with it. And to that i ask - well, what is grief? how do i know im experiencing it? ... because i do not have any intense feeling of pain or suffering; or regret or anger...about the way i acted in these testing times; or who my grandmother was. I dont think there was any 'baggage' so to say, or unfinished business... at least im pretty sure thats the case. and so i disclose the thought about me; and perhaps others feel this tool; that perhaps i am very out of tune with what im really feeling. perhaps ive split and schisomed, or buried deep down, those necessary feelings that need to come out... and to that i say that im not so surprised. Had all of us been well adjusted, wise, and competent in our emotional dealings with the world... i dont think this site would have come up. Had we all been able to do what we know was best we wouldn't be afflicted with this shyness. But we arent better, we do need help... our lives are various parts of a train wreck; some nudged off the tracks, others upside down in a ditch... and we all hope that some day we'll get this mess cleaned up. Then we'll ride with smiles on our faces - down the tracks of life. But these days are not so bright. Every day is shorter than the last - and the nights are colder than ever before. . . or so it seems in this part of the northern hemisphere. Its not unlike our moods to go with the weather, and perhaps its fitting that way. Perhaps ... this is what grief is? The caress of winters chill inside ourselves... First, let me say you're a great writer - really able to communicate things well. My grandmother died over the summer as well. I am a crier - I cry over everything. But when she died I didn't cry. I think I only teared up once - when I saw that my dad tearing up (it was my mom's mom). I felt good about myself at first, because I felt like it was really an accomplishment for me to be strong and not cry. But then I started to wonder why I wasn't crying. This was a time when I was allowed to cry, when it was normal to cry. And I couldn't. So I was wondering the same kind of thing you were wondering - what is grief? I was never particularly close to my mom's mom. I am even less close to my mom's dad. My grandparents on that side never really showed me the kind of love that my grandparents on my dad's side show me. In fact, my grandparents on my dad's side show me too much love - my parents don't show that much love so it's a little awkward for me. Anyway, even though I wasn't close to her, I couldn't help but feel a little guilty for not being more upset about her death, considering that I've cried in the past over "losing" people (who didn't die, but left my life) who weren't related to me. So I think grief depends on the context. There is social grief - grief that you're supposed to feel (based on societal expectations, etc). For example, I was expected to be upset about my grandmother because we were related - but it wasn't real grief. I think real grief is what we feel when we lose someone who holds great meaning/significance in our lives.
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Post by collectcall on Dec 14, 2009 23:18:48 GMT -5
I agree (very much so) with your thoughts on grief, ms collegeshy. I do think that the proximity of the individual passing away has a monumental impact on how much we actually 'feel' for that person. I have also have some people pass away who were related to me but who I didnt particularly know... and in similar fashion to yourself it was only when i saw my family members upset that it struck me.
In the time since her passing im not sure how i've 'dealt' with it...or indeed if ive been dealing with it at all. hmmm...
Does it snow where you live? ( Im sorry, i tend to make a lot of references to whats going on immediately around me). Early in the winter, usually late novemeber/early december... we will have the first snow here. When it happens its not so cold outside, just cold enough to snow, and for it to stay on the ground. You're walking home, after a late class...along the sidewalk of a waterway (which freezes over in the winter). Its dark, the air is just chilly enough to sneak through your sweater and carry away the warmth from your hands and face. The snowflakes tumble and dance and fall around you. The wind sweeps them past you; they land on your face and you can barely feel them. You look around to see if anyone else can enjoy this moment of peaceful joy with you, but you see no one around. You continue to walk on your way home, on the path you've always taken. For whatever reason you look up. The night sky is a beautiful void. Fair and frightening is her deep blackness. But from her come these dazzling specs of divinity; these frost covered angels. Your way is illuminated by the lampposts - and only now as you gaze at them lining the path home are you truly frozen. And sometimes we feel that only on the darkest of days do we see how things really are. The lampposts light the way - you stare at one intensely, it does not hurt your eyes - as the snow dims this daybreak. The lamppost lights the way ... the snow flakes drift across; and they are light up. There is an infinity of unknown and darkness on either side... but for a brief moment you can see the individual snowflakes clearly. And it suddenly occurs to you that this may be what life is like... we are fair and fragile like the snow; we drift through the winds of the world. For a little while we are illuminated with life...but there is an eternity of night on either side. Together we can be strong, alone we can be beautiful; but always we are moving across the light...from darkness and to darkness.
I think the idea that we only have a limited time in this world is powerful... it can motivate us towards great things... but also to a soul sucking apathy. I think its up for us to make that choice.
And well ... that was a really long way of saying what i have come to think what grief is. Its that feeling when we see that those near us have fallen into that universe of night. We fully realize that things are never to be the same, that they are never coming back. And to conclude i might say that this is the way things are, they can be no other way. I think it is something that needs to be lived and not learned.
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