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Post by collectcall on May 23, 2010 19:28:33 GMT -5
So its summer time in Canada-ville, the temperature reliably high, the sun reliably out from 6am to 9pm or so...
I suppose its around this time when i tend to notice the fairer sex more often than i typically do, most likely because of their choices of clothing. Also because everyone here finds themselves outside more often because of the longer days and gentler weather.
In the past i suppose i secretly complained to myself ("why doesnt she notice me???") often around this time, as i have long been single and still am to this moment. I considered myself relatively balanced in the areas of attractiveness, intelligence, and content of character - though there was that particular persistent prescence of shyness - which exists to this moment. WHat i think it comes down to is a lack of being able to approach girls that has been the problem. And then if i would typically clam up, blush, be very quiet, or very talkative, and in a general sense - not be myself. With time i think this has gotten better ... but im still very far from having good 'approaching' skills. I might be at the point where i can ask someone out, though i havent tried recently.
...
I rememmber when i was younger, summer time being a not particularly happy time for myself. I felt that i wanted to participate in the 'going out' that the young folk do these days ... but for a few reasons i was incapable of doing so. I feel (and i probably have) missed out on a lot. And i feel (and probably am) very 'behind' in the business of engaging with the opposite sex.
While i tend to talk to women as a human or a person, which is a good thing, i fail to talk to them as 'women'. As sort of, at one moment an antithesis and at another the complement to my own gender. In essence as a potential partner. I immediately assume that no woman would have an interest in me, as a romantic partner, and unfortunately i have yet to dispprove that in practice (although im hopeful). This puts me in good friends territory which is all well in good, since for a few years now i tend to think that i cannot ask for anything more.
when i take a close look at it, my life isn't bad, its just i think it could be better, i think i could be happier, and maybe thats what we're all looking for. Some find it in a romantic partner and some do not.
At this moment i look out the window, the sun is setting and theres no wind. I picture myself holding hands with someone in the field across the street. We are happy in the picture.
But it is just a picture.
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Post by BmxGirl2000 on May 26, 2010 22:36:04 GMT -5
...and it is a very nice picture, to be sure.
it is a 'picture' that, I too, until quite recently, visualized often (see my entry under "where to meet nice guys", for more elaboration).
Dare to dream, Collect Call, for that is all at the moment we can do, until the time comes when we may make our dreams (or pictures) a reality.
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Post by collectcall on May 27, 2010 13:42:04 GMT -5
You are a Light
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Post by collectcall on Jun 15, 2010 17:44:27 GMT -5
So its been like almost three weeks since i posted here. At that time i think i was feeling upset about the way things were going ... things aren't ACTUALLY better and they haven't really changed but my perception of them has, and the little sunlight inside me has decided to shine a bit the past little while. (i think if you want to psychologizzz this - i feel i have continuous cycles of mild depression - dysthymia? - but it is so persistent over time that this is essentially a personality characteristic and not a psychological disorder with an acute onset... i figure this might be more common here than in other places so i decided to mention it). so wats been going on mr. collectcall? I'll list the comings and goings of my life : - I purchased an e-reader (Sony) and have been delighted to find that there is a plethora of older books completely free that you can download - specifically some of the classic philosophical texts (essentially all of Plato's dialogues + republic; Kant's 'critiques', some decent Hume selections, and quite a bit of the english philosophers. Im hoping someday they'll through some of the existensialist stuff up but for now im good.) Also there's at least some free Buddhist texts and essays (because i swing that way from time to time - but i have problems with it and am resistant to the entire idea ... because it seems almost TOO profound that i cannot believe it, maybe with time i will, we can talk about it later ). Also a lot of the classic fiction (think frankenstein, moby dick, tale of two cities, etc...) - I ran a half marathon a little while ago, just on my own, to see if i could do it. I would highly recommend doing some training if anyone is wanting to attempt it - because i didn't and i almost passed out (specifically i had to lie down for about 5 minutes which seemed to last an eternity, but it was fun, just looking up at the sky and having a dizzying effect of neurotransmitters and bodily aches and perceiving the infinite... or something like that). It was kinda funny i had been talking about it with my roommate and one night i just decided to get up and do it to see what my 'pre-training' time was (2 hours 20 minutes about) . Him and his girlfriend laughed at me - and my joints were sore for about 3 days afterwards. lol. - i purchased a camera (a dSLR) with the intention of getting into photography. My reasons being that i think its the only 'art' that i will ever be able to do - i cant draw, cant sing, cant dance, i am musically incapable, etc etc... i think this is a case of 'a fool and his money are soon departed' but hopefully it will work out ... to be continued. - my closest friend has a significant other now, so i've been wrestling with the understanding that the relationship we had is going to change. Which is good for her because she 'needed a man' but for a little while i was upset at the prospect of losing my friend - not that she will be lost but - i think you know what i mean. I feel better about it now and i think things will just get better with thyme. - i cut my coffee consumption to 1-2 cups a day instead of 3-4 cups, but oddly i havent been eating as much lately, i think this is because of laziness though. I feel slightly better but with time i hope to stick with drinking either 1 cup of coffee a day or just have tea. It will be difficult because I keep very irregular hours, with work and school (thought im not there at the moment) - applied to a nursing program which starts in sept (my parents/ other family members bug me saying i should have gone to med school, i try to make the point that even though i had high marks it still 'wasnt enough' for med school, at least not here - and even though i had a minor in bio i still didnt take organic chem which is a must here - i thought about some foreign schools in the carribean/mexico - but the money investment is more than i think i can afford atm, and i have doubt on how capable i would be in those positiions anyways.) THis whole thing may just be a way of putting off making real life decisions by the deafault choice of going back to school. -my job had been bugging me lately, im put into uncomfortable situations dealing with people ... and I typically can only do that with confidence if i really know what im talking about. Unfortunately there is essentially no training so i dont know what im talking about ... this is a passing thing though as im just covering people who are on vacation right now. But also people seem generally more stressed out these days, the whole place has been really 'feelin it' from the higher ups lately. I feel like quitting and i guess i could because i dont really need the money anymore ( ive saved enough already to essentially pay through school for the next few years - its typically cheaper here than in the States) at the same time i have no idea what i would be doing with myself if i had all that free time - id probably go crazy. Plus having a job isnt a bad thing , right? - lol i meant this to be a relatively short post (and well maybe it is) but i guess things drag on. - good luck to all of you in your future endeavors!
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Post by collectcall on Jun 19, 2010 21:22:37 GMT -5
A few days ago i had gone to my school campus to pick up my degree. I bumped into an old friend from high school, she seemed surprised to see me, but was in a rush for an appointment.
It was quite nice outside and i decided to walk to take a walking detour to my next destination. A few paths that wide by a river that flows by the school. It was sunny and green outside and things just looked, so picturesque. I was looking forward to being lost in my thoughts and the beauty of the world around me.
A girl was bare foot and sweeping her feet across the grass, her eyes looking down at the ground. I said to myself 'she has a sad air around her'. And continued on my path. As I passed by her i took the chance to steal a second look and at that moment she did as well. We recognized eachother. She was an acquaintance i had made earlier that year in a class of mine. We talked a bit, i told her why i was there, she said she was was looking for 4 leaf-clovers in the grass. We talked more, and the conversation winded to a close. As i was about to leave, being in a somewhat unusual mood even for my standards, i turned around and said: "this is likely the last time we will ever see eachother" she looked into my eyes and said "it doesnt have to be" I looked back into hers and said "we only ever meet one another purely by chance" She said "It doesn't have to be that way..."
Ill be poetic in saying that 'she had a cloud around her'. And by that i mean, i felt she was unhappy or sad or something was wrong. The few moments we had been looking at eachother made me feel uncomfortable, (think as you stare into the sun even for a little while, you cannot bare to look at it for too long). My eyes shifted downwards to the ground. As they did i suppose i quickly scanned the rest of her. On her left hand i noticed some light scaring. I thought to myself immediately she had done them herself.
I looked into her eyes again and asked if she was okay. She said she was alright. We told eachother we would e-mail one another, and maybe meet up for coffee, or some non-committal thing like that. I tilted my head and smiled, and then turned and continued walking down the path i had originally set out on.
She is intelligent and passionate and beautiful, and knowing a bit of her life, had been through a difficult time in the past 6 years or so. I know she's going to do great things but i also know things aren't going to get easier for her. I want nothing but good things for her.
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Post by collectcall on Jul 15, 2010 14:07:53 GMT -5
on monday i had the unusual experience which i will describe as being 'hijacked by my emotions'... i was at work feeling upset, but not about anything in particular. It was just like being upset for no reason ... everything that happened or that i thought of made it worse ... i went home sick.
As i was walking home having a mental battle trying not to break down in public i reminded myself of a deal a made myself... that i had put some serious thought into this kind of thing and that i could never give in to despair. Because no matter how bad i feel about a particular thing there is still one thing that i need to do.
When i got home i went to sleep, and the two days since ive been trying to do a kind of peaceful maintenance... trying to 'get back' to my typical positive self.
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Post by collectcall on Aug 21, 2010 22:17:28 GMT -5
maybe 10 days ago i woke up in a somewhat groggy mood. I had not left the house except to go to work in the past few days. I felt in a bit of a daze, an unfortunate haze surrounding me. I decided that i was due for some fresh air and decided to make a trivial purchase of something i 'needed' at a store nearby.
I had found this passage by C.S. Lewis describing and interesting experience he had as he was siding in his brothers car on a trip to the zoo: "When we set out ... I did not believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, and when we reached the zoo I did. Yet I had not exactly spent the journey in thought. Nor in great emotion. 'Emotional' is perhaps the last word we can apply to some of the most important events. It was more like when a man, after long sleep, still lying motionless in bed, becomes aware that he is now awake."
I felt that i had experienced something similar in atmosphere but quite different in content. Actually its more like the opposite experience. I had realized that i no longer believed in God. The important word being here 'believe', which is a very different thing from knowing or understanding or wanting.
days later i continue to think about exactly what it is i think of this subject.
But my feelings are complicated about this subject, and i cannot say that i really fall on either side of the a/theism debate.
this is what has been at the back of my mind for such a long time, and i think its just coming to the surface now. Its uncomfortable but necessary for my continued growth. or so i think.
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Post by collectcall on Sept 3, 2010 15:02:08 GMT -5
I was reading a book by Viktor Frankl titled 'man's search for meaning' at work during my break. It had been recommended to me by a coworker who claims to be interested in the subject of being a man and searching for meaning.
A passage reminded me dearly of my grandmother who passed away about 10 months ago, revealing to me how deep this wound had been... how deep it is. I became emotional and needed to set the book aside and cover my face to hide my reaction from people who might be glancing over.
Frankl is describing a speech he had made to his fellow prisoner's as they were in a concentration camp. He describes how people came up to him after with tears in their eyes. This is what struck me: "..Then i spoke of the many opportunities of giving life a meaning. I told my comrades (who lay motionless, although occasionally a sigh could be heard), that human life, under any circumstances, never ceases to have a meaning, and that this infinite meaning of life includes suffering and dying, privation and death. I asked the poor creatures who listened to me attentively in the darkness of the hut to face up to the seriousness of our position. They must not lost hope but should keep their courage in the certainty that the hopelessness of our struggle did not detract from its dignity and its meaning. I said that someone looks down on each of us in difficult hours - a friend, a wife, somebody alive or dead, or a God - and he would not expect us to disappoint him. He would hope to fund us suffering proudly - not miserably - knowing how to die..."
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Post by collectcall on Oct 20, 2010 19:57:04 GMT -5
"Blaargh" is the word that would best describe how i feel right now.
my back is sore from being at the computer all day, i have a slight headache from reading and playing video games. Im tired, im restless, im wearing a spanish hat that my sister got for me from spain. It's brim is very wide. I can tilt it up and it makes me look happy. I can tilt it down and it covers my eyes and makes me look deep and mysterious.
Like... two weeks ago i was sitting on the bus surveying my life at that moment in time. I was feeling negative about positive things. When Im in a bad mood things just seem to fall apart. When im in a non-bad mood the same things don't seem so bad. Now that im old and my back hurts i can understand this now: that my life circumstances do not change so much, but my appraisals of what i do and who i am shift with the changing seasons.
at the moment im questioning everything because im in a tired mood. Why do i bother writing this? WHy do i need to finish that assignment for tomorrow? why do i bother eating things i dont like? why do i bother working the job i do? what is it all for? what am i moving towards?... its just, im so tired. I want to sleep and forget my meaning (if i have one at all). I just want to sleep and drink smoothies and play video games and work out... and every now and then spend time with my family and maybe a pretty girl. But the world wont have it.
And i think, maybe its in my best interests that i don't do those things all the time. that im forced to engage with the world. but im just so ... tired at the moment. and i wish time could stop for a few days so i can get my shit together. because deadlines for everything are fast approaching,
all i want to do is dream.
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Post by collectcall on Nov 12, 2010 12:17:25 GMT -5
I was at work 2 years ago walking in to swipe for my shift.
The morning seemed typical for a December. Snow had greeted me when i first stepped outside, i left the car on for 5 minutes or so for it to warm up, as i scrapped the frost from the windshield. Driving in to work was uneventful. The roads are barren in the early morning. Streetlights shine in the distance as i drive down a dark and snowy road. I get to the store where i work. I grab my things and move in through the back entrance. I walk down the main aisle, checking the familiar merchandise that i've seen countless times. I look forward to where I'm going to swipe.
I stop walking. My heart races. I'm frozen.
Standing at a distance, which was always too far, I see Her. Leaning against the wall and looking at the time. Black pants, purple shirt ... the rest of her is covered in her own ... Moonlight Beauty.
I swallow deeply. This happens in movies ... not in real life. People do not fall so hard and so fast. I don't even know her. It takes every ounce of strength to move one more step without shying away. I pass by her. Our eyes meet. Looking at them is fear and ecstasy. It feels like this primal force. The life giving sun can burn. The calm seas can drown. Her look can both build me up or tear me down. It is as they say: "Sweet Dream or a Beautiful Nightmare, either way I don't want to wake up".
And I don't even know her name!
4 months pass. We talk, we joke, we know each other. We walk together sometimes. We have similar likes and dislikes. Our birthdays are 2 days apart. We laugh at the same silly things... but, of course, i wanted more.
6 months since December. I am blushing. I am looking at the ground. It's so hard, but i manage to look up into her eyes. Among many other things i say "I have feelings for you." Among a few other things (damn her brevity) she tells me "I'm not looking for a boyfriend". We resolve to be friends.
I feel like skydiving without a parachute.
August. It's warm outside. We walk and talk and laugh at silly things. I still think it's not enough. But i know her better now. I know who she is. I know that there isn't a place for me with her. At least that's what I tell myself.
November. I am holding a frost covered leaf in my hand. It is delicate and cracks under it's own weight. The wind tears away at it as I cling. I am holding my feelings for her in my hand. They are delicate and crack under their own weight. The wind tears away at them as I cling. But it's time ... it's time to let go.
We still walk, we still talk, we still laugh at silly things. And i know her even better now. We've changed. I am different now than when I met her and she is different now too. After we are done walking and talking and laughing we leave each others company and go about our business.
But sometimes when it's late and I am walking alone in the dark I dream. I have very delicate and fragile dreams. I dare not so much as whisper them for fear that the wind will carry them away and they will freeze in the cold of night.
It is so hard to let go. I do not know why.
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Post by collectcall on Dec 3, 2010 12:31:59 GMT -5
it feels like i keep myself so busy with school or work or making up things to do in order to prevent me from seeing how isolated i am.
But at the moment there isn't much work to do, or school to go to, or things to make up. so i realized how isolated i am.
at work i carelessly asked a coworker if he knew any girls who were like me, he said he did. it peaked my interest. first i want to know who he thinks i am, and why this girl is like me. secondly, i would actually, maybe, possibly, like to ask him to introduce us, but thats seriously getting ahead of myself.
so im just listening to music right now and mulling over my lack of significant romantic experiences and wondering if this someone is cool with that. because then i would be cool with her.
but yea... the phenomena of human coupling peaks my interest from time to time.
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Post by soulelectroluv on Dec 3, 2010 13:07:31 GMT -5
So lets get things started shall we. Born in a summer in the 80s which i cant quite remember (for obvious reasons of being really small). Elementary/primary school was alright for me (as far as i can remember, which isnt much). I think i was fortunate in the sense that I wasnt really picked on or isolated as a young child, i had friends, played soccer, walked in the sun and snow, maybe even danced with daisies under my feet, lol... i was overweight, i suppose that bothered me in hindsight but at the time, im not sure if i thought it was such a big deal (thanks to the nievety of children). MIddle school, grades 7-8, was a bit of a shcck for me. I came from a 'good' school with 'good' teachers and all of use were 'good' kids, i suppose i wasnt ready to be thrown in a pool of 700-800 kids with all their diversities. I retreated into myself i suppose, found it hard to make any friends, to talk to people, girls especially. All the usual things that I would think we've all experienced at one time or another. My grades suffered a bit, my parents were upset with me because id spend the afternoons and summers alone in the basement, playing video games or reading. I lost touch with all of my friends from before, didnt really make new ones until i was about to move into highschool, and even then they were mostly school friends, whom i would never see outside of the cafeteria or class. Later on i would spend a lot of time with them, but being 13-14 at the time i suppose i was upset, and threw the blame on others for whatever social difficulties i was experiencing in those days. High school was alright, found out that the people i was hanging around had a lot of the same interests, life goals, as i did. (maybe it was because we had spent at least some time together, maybe i changed or they changed, one can never be sure of such things considering im calling up these memories after a long time in hibernation) Marks were alright at the beginning, but got better with age and patience and all those things that come with getting taller.... even met a girl that i kinda liked and kinda liked me, but i suppose i was still too 'good' at that age of 16-17, with hormones pumping and social conditions permissive i suppose i could have had a real physical relation with her as well, but it never came to pass. I think it was me, i was afraid, and excited to , at the fact that i could have a close, personal relation with someone, that i could identify with someone. And the months or so that we shared conversations with i never tried to kiss her; i think after a while she was fed up, she moved on to something she was ready for and something i wasnt ready for at the time, a real 'adult' relationship. I was always a relatively quiet person, only raises his hand when he has thought about his question or answer for a few minutes, makes sure to avoid the big crowds. Never really picked on either, genetics providing me with adolescent growth on par with most people, as far as physical attributes go. Made quick comments to people who liked to hear them, changed what i said and how i said it depending on where i was: spoke intelligently in class when teachers were the listeners, used the appropriate slang terms and derogatory comments given the social situation i found myself in.... this doesnt really sound like shy but hold on a minute... i had those friends i mentioned but still spent a lot of my time on my own. I left home for university, looked forward to being out on my own, ready to make my mark on the world, ready to become the person i always wanted to be. My dreams and ability were matching and all i needed was the learning and certification to be able to do what i wanted, to make that difference in the world. I dont think i was ready for it... i spent most of my time alone, had a roommate i didnt really talk to, but who was pretty nice, didnt make new friends, and lost most of the old one i had or our relations changed so that i couldnt really call them friends anymore. I dont blame anyone, two people need to come to the table in a real friendship dont they? and two people need to leave it for it to genuinely fall apart, it was more a growing apart, a growing away, It didnt feel the same as before. Started drinking a bit, got the reputation for it, (which being in rez kinda makes one cool, doesnt it?) still did pretty well in school, all things considered. Ended up in a hospital as a result of my bad habits, spent a week there, and went home before my first year ended. Tried school again the following september, been working in the early mornings moving things at a retail store. Been like that for 3 years, bummed around school, double major psych and philosophy (with a minor in bio just to even things out ) im really nice, and kind, and approachable, and make acquaintances rediculously easy, thats the easy part for me, but i still spend most of my time alone. Tried asking a girl out a few months ago, she said no, dont think its my fault though...ive a pretty decent self concept, for a shy person (if u can call me that). or more so, in my old age i see that that self defeating thinking isnt helping, is actually hurting, that secure people dont have those thoughts. And that for the most part beating up on yourself is like making a bunch of assumptions about who you are that probably arent true. err so there it is, am i shy? i think so, theres a lot of spaces to fill in there, but for the reader of this, if there are any out there, ill save you the details for another time. Wat do i really want from this post? i dont know, its just late at night and i feel to communicate something about myself, as if it mattered to anyone else but me. It might matter or it might not, but it is now out of my hands. thanks Nice writing
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Post by collectcall on Dec 7, 2010 23:53:20 GMT -5
So lets get things started shall we. Born in a summer in the 80s which i cant quite remember (for obvious reasons of being really small). Elementary/primary school was alright for me (as far as i can remember, which isnt much). I think i was fortunate in the sense that I wasnt really picked on or isolated as a young child, i had friends, played soccer, walked in the sun and snow, maybe even danced with daisies under my feet, lol... i was overweight, i suppose that bothered me in hindsight but at the time, im not sure if i thought it was such a big deal (thanks to the nievety of children). MIddle school, grades 7-8, was a bit of a shcck for me. I came from a 'good' school with 'good' teachers and all of use were 'good' kids, i suppose i wasnt ready to be thrown in a pool of 700-800 kids with all their diversities. I retreated into myself i suppose, found it hard to make any friends, to talk to people, girls especially. All the usual things that I would think we've all experienced at one time or another. My grades suffered a bit, my parents were upset with me because id spend the afternoons and summers alone in the basement, playing video games or reading. I lost touch with all of my friends from before, didnt really make new ones until i was about to move into highschool, and even then they were mostly school friends, whom i would never see outside of the cafeteria or class. Later on i would spend a lot of time with them, but being 13-14 at the time i suppose i was upset, and threw the blame on others for whatever social difficulties i was experiencing in those days. High school was alright, found out that the people i was hanging around had a lot of the same interests, life goals, as i did. (maybe it was because we had spent at least some time together, maybe i changed or they changed, one can never be sure of such things considering im calling up these memories after a long time in hibernation) Marks were alright at the beginning, but got better with age and patience and all those things that come with getting taller.... even met a girl that i kinda liked and kinda liked me, but i suppose i was still too 'good' at that age of 16-17, with hormones pumping and social conditions permissive i suppose i could have had a real physical relation with her as well, but it never came to pass. I think it was me, i was afraid, and excited to , at the fact that i could have a close, personal relation with someone, that i could identify with someone. And the months or so that we shared conversations with i never tried to kiss her; i think after a while she was fed up, she moved on to something she was ready for and something i wasnt ready for at the time, a real 'adult' relationship. I was always a relatively quiet person, only raises his hand when he has thought about his question or answer for a few minutes, makes sure to avoid the big crowds. Never really picked on either, genetics providing me with adolescent growth on par with most people, as far as physical attributes go. Made quick comments to people who liked to hear them, changed what i said and how i said it depending on where i was: spoke intelligently in class when teachers were the listeners, used the appropriate slang terms and derogatory comments given the social situation i found myself in.... this doesnt really sound like shy but hold on a minute... i had those friends i mentioned but still spent a lot of my time on my own. I left home for university, looked forward to being out on my own, ready to make my mark on the world, ready to become the person i always wanted to be. My dreams and ability were matching and all i needed was the learning and certification to be able to do what i wanted, to make that difference in the world. I dont think i was ready for it... i spent most of my time alone, had a roommate i didnt really talk to, but who was pretty nice, didnt make new friends, and lost most of the old one i had or our relations changed so that i couldnt really call them friends anymore. I dont blame anyone, two people need to come to the table in a real friendship dont they? and two people need to leave it for it to genuinely fall apart, it was more a growing apart, a growing away, It didnt feel the same as before. Started drinking a bit, got the reputation for it, (which being in rez kinda makes one cool, doesnt it?) still did pretty well in school, all things considered. Ended up in a hospital as a result of my bad habits, spent a week there, and went home before my first year ended. Tried school again the following september, been working in the early mornings moving things at a retail store. Been like that for 3 years, bummed around school, double major psych and philosophy (with a minor in bio just to even things out ) im really nice, and kind, and approachable, and make acquaintances rediculously easy, thats the easy part for me, but i still spend most of my time alone. Tried asking a girl out a few months ago, she said no, dont think its my fault though...ive a pretty decent self concept, for a shy person (if u can call me that). or more so, in my old age i see that that self defeating thinking isnt helping, is actually hurting, that secure people dont have those thoughts. And that for the most part beating up on yourself is like making a bunch of assumptions about who you are that probably arent true. err so there it is, am i shy? i think so, theres a lot of spaces to fill in there, but for the reader of this, if there are any out there, ill save you the details for another time. Wat do i really want from this post? i dont know, its just late at night and i feel to communicate something about myself, as if it mattered to anyone else but me. It might matter or it might not, but it is now out of my hands. thanks Nice writing thanks! you have an air of cool around you
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Post by collectcall on Feb 24, 2011 16:35:06 GMT -5
I haven't felt ... whatever it is one feels... to post anything here in a little bit. Life moves by and i chase slowly after it.
Its warming up here in Canada. The snow melts, the grass sneaks a quick look to see what's going on. The nights aren't so long; the days are just a little brighter. This season's changing is always so interesting for me.
A friend of mine is in Cuba at the moment with her boyfriend. In the 3 years or so that i've known her she's changed. She was a quiet, shy and anxious person when i first met her. In fact i didn't think much of her when i first met her, I didn't really talk to her, but more shameful i suppose is that i barely noticed her.
We met when her boyfriend at the time introduced us. When i would talk to him on break she was usually by his side, laughing at his jokes. IF she were a character in a movie her title in the credits would be something like "Girl with glasses 2". I think it must have been a few months after actually meeting her that I really had a conversation with her ... it was about her boyfriend. But then again i warm up slowly to people in general.
Months later we would talk a bit from time to time, here and there. I forget exactly how it was. She took a leave of absence from work for like 6 months, with some anxiety related issues. My impression at the time was that she had issues with the expectations placed on her. After that she came back and we talked a bit more.
Her boyfriend broke up with her. She was devastated. A strange thing i thought to myself, because i don't know what its like to have someone in your life like that (i'm lonely but free, right?). I asked if she wanted to hang out sometime - for coffee or something. It ended up being dinner and a movie. We got along fine I think. I was afraid at the time we would run out of things to say, but turns out we had a lot in common.
Slowly our friendship grew. I imagine that something like this would happen with the person I'm going to marry, but we'll see. We talked and walked, as people tend to do from time to time.
She met someone, someone who is good for her. At the beginning i'll admit to being a little sad and jealous. In that i knew our relationship would change... and i always liked to idea of there maybe being something more than friendship between us. But now im happy for her. Because i know how happy she is... and now im wishing that maybe i could have something like what they have. Because it's beautiful. And I like beautiful things. ^.^
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