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Post by Jeremy on Mar 15, 2010 17:08:30 GMT -5
I feel the need to rant, I apologise for what is to follow. I have today been to the funeral of the former MD of my employer (from two takeovers ago), which was a sad enough occasion anyway. He was a lovely man who died way too young. Anyway, attending was one of the former directors, who is, and always has been a fairly oddball character, and quite volatile. However, I’ve made the effort to get on with him in the past in the interests of both being professional and having a quieter life. I know he has held certain opinions of me, but I also know that like many people he is not in possession of the full facts about me. He doesn’t really know me as anyone other than a (mainly junior) colleague, who was a young, foolish and naive 19 year old when first employed. You could say I am now an old, foolish and naive 34 year old but that’s another story. Anyway, he doesn’t really know just how cripplingly shy I am actually am, how it’s affected me, or in fact, very much about me at all. Aside from a couple of occasions, he never made much effort to get to know me – not that I would have expected it, I didn’t work in his department and it was a business not a social club. But today he made a massive assumption about me. I had given a lift to two other ex-employees. We were about to leave the wake, I shook hands with the former director (I’ll call him ‘M’), said goodbye and went outside with one of my passengers. The other was a little way behind and said goodbye to ‘M’ when I had gone outside. As we were walking up the street she was laughing and said “he just asked me ‘has he come out yet?’ “ (which she thought was fairly hilarious). Now, please don’t get the idea I’m homophobic. Honestly, I’m not. Being gay is fine, but I am NOT gay. I was annoyed because was ‘M’ saying what everyone else has always thought? Have people always had this conclusion about me? Are people small minded enough to assume that just because someone is 34, male and single, they must be gay? Or does that say more about their attitudes – making assumptions about people without actually knowing them? And actually, why the hell do I care? Am I being over-sensitive and kind of vein by even giving this any thought? Anyway, sorry for inflicting this rant on any poor unfortunate soul who happens to wander through.
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Post by outgoingbutshy on Mar 17, 2010 12:45:55 GMT -5
Jeremy - hi ;D nice to see u on here. I don't really have any advice. just wanted to acknowlege your post. I am sure you are probably not alone in what you are going through. and in my opinion that person should not have made that assumption about you just because you're single. not everyone is suited for the gay or homosexual lifestyle. i know im not i am hetro. in my opinion they should have minded their own business or at least made absolutely sure you were out of earshot. im sorry if im not much help. but i do want to acknowlege your post and say you're not alone. i went to school wish some other kids in the 70s/early 80s and sometimes some of my schoolmates would be teased (like two girls i knew who were just friends and hung around a lot together). some of the other teens thought they were lesbians, but they weren't, they were just good prob best friends. people like to talk i think is the thing. try not to let it upset u, jeremy. and i know it's hard . im going through some stuff, not like what ur going through, but i am so upset about my life, i can hardly eat. you take care and please feel free to pm me if you would like. take good care of yourself ! ~audio
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Mar 17, 2010 16:54:56 GMT -5
But today he made a massive assumption about me. I had given a lift to two other ex-employees. We were about to leave the wake, I shook hands with the former director (I’ll call him ‘M’), said goodbye and went outside with one of my passengers. The other was a little way behind and said goodbye to ‘M’ when I had gone outside. As we were walking up the street she was laughing and said “he just asked me ‘has he come out yet?’ “ (which she thought was fairly hilarious). I can understand why you'd be upset. I'm betting this sort of thing has happened to many other shy men who've struggled with dating/relationships and aren't talkative about that sort of thing. I was annoyed because was ‘M’ saying what everyone else has always thought? Have people always had this conclusion about me? Are people small minded enough to assume that just because someone is 34, male and single, they must be gay? Or does that say more about their attitudes – making assumptions about people without actually knowing them? And actually, why the hell do I care? Am I being over-sensitive and kind of vein by even giving this any thought? Who knows for sure what people are thinking. Everytime I saw this thread title on the main board, I kept thinking it was going to read..."Why do people make a**holes of themselves?" lol...which would also fit this situation. It is a pretty crappy thing for someone to jump to conclusions about, but I suppose it's mainly because they just don't understand shyness and what it does to people. Anyone who doesn't understand it usually says...."just talk more" in order to 'get better.' And for guys, I guess it's just even harder since you're more expected to be outgoing and it's just assumed you'd do just about anything to find a partner/girl if you were straight. Hopefully this sort of assumption will go away eventually. I mean, it's more acceptable to be gay today. So in this sense, it seems funny to me that just because you don't have a significant other yet would mean automatically that you're gay. A person who's single just means they haven't met someone yet. I say, to hell with what other people think.
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Post by Farouche on Mar 18, 2010 1:59:30 GMT -5
I agree with pretty much everything Strawberry said. Even the part about mistakenly auto-completing the title of the thread. ;D Jeremy ----------- Are people small minded enough to assume Yep. I guess the assumptions aren’t even so bad by themselves. Everybody probably has their own little theories about what goes on behind the scenes of other people's lives; most just aren’t so cloddish that they’ll actually spread rumors based on whatever crap they happen to dream up. But you know this guy is an “oddball,” and your female coworker laughed outright at the suggestion that you were gay. So those are both good signs that you’re not mistakenly lighting up everybody’s gaydar: one particular guy just a silly assumption based on lack of information. Strawberry ---------- It is a pretty crappy thing for someone to jump to conclusions about, but I suppose it's mainly because they just don't understand shyness and what it does to people. Anyone who doesn't understand it usually says...."just talk more" in order to 'get better.' A few people on this board have mentioned before that people have assumed they’re gay just because they’re quiet and not blatant about their interest in the opposite sex. I agree that this seems to be an issue that coincides with the apparent fact that most people will never understand shyness/avoidance/SA unless they’ve experienced it directly. I guess for some people, it’s easier to imagine another person hiding his tragically stigmatized sexuality than to simply accept that yes, some people are just that shy. Strawberry --------- Hopefully this sort of assumption will go away eventually. I mean, it's more acceptable to be gay today. So in this sense, it seems funny to me that just because you don't have a significant other yet would mean automatically that you're gay. Yeah, the more accepted gayness becomes, the less sense it makes to assume that shyness = closet case. Yay progress. ;D Strawberry ---------- A person who's single just means they haven't met someone yet. I say, to hell with what other people think. This is the one point on which I slightly differ, though I certainly agree in principle that “what other people think of you is not your business" ( not that that stops any of us from worrying about it constantly... lol). If you’re shy and in search of a mate, it could really throw a monkey wrench in the works if all the eligible local MotOS believe you’re secretly gay. Especially if you’re a guy (since there are more horror stories floating around about women marrying men “on the down-low” than the other way around). If you're shy, it can be hard to combat that kind of rumor. I’m sure those situations are rare, but I can imagine hypothetical scenarios in which a shy person might need to borrow a big hulking pair of cajones and squash the begeezus out of malicious or persistent rumors. But yeah, Jeremy, judging by the isolated nature of the assumption and by your female coworker’s reaction to the suggestion, I agree that this sounds like a clear case of “to hell with what [volatile oddballs] think.” And to hell with volatile oddballs, lol. Unless he’s got some great redeeming characteristics, avoiding and ignoring the guy sounds like a fine plan to me.
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Post by Jeremy on Mar 22, 2010 17:48:12 GMT -5
Thanks for the replies, seven days on and I've calmed down now, Mr 'Volatile Oddball' can go to hell as far as I'm concerned, I don't work with him anymore, and with a bit of luck I will never have to see him / speak to him again. Everyone else can just mind their own business. Sorry I inflicted this rant on the forum, I should be able to deal with this kind of thing better, but I tend to take things abit too personally. One of many character flaws I have I'm afraid.
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Post by mousemarie on Mar 31, 2010 14:10:29 GMT -5
I have heard people make assumptions like that about single men who are quiet/shy. I think it is wrong to assume such a thing about somebody you don't really know but people are quick to make judgements. It's probably better, if you do think something like that about somebody, to keep it to yourself.
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