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Post by strawberrysweetie on May 13, 2012 14:26:25 GMT -5
my journal of sorts, haha... Well, thanks for being so kind... but negative spin in my head wants to say I'll most likely never find anyone to be with. If I can't find someone in my 20s, I don't think I ever will. Being female, my supposed prime years are passing by. Also, I don't know that anyone knows the meaning of either love or respect anymore. My head is just massively f*cked up. I'm not even entirely sure why. My family, for the most part, is full of long-term marriages. I suppose there are a couple of siblings who seem a bit on the rocks at times, but you'd still think that having parents who have a decent relationship would make you continue to have hope. I just feel like, in this day and age, my real values are too old-fashioned. I almost wish I didn't have any and sometimes think I should just try and completely give them up. No one else seems to care anymore...why in the hell do I? You're not fucked up; just looking for some direction in life, and frustrated with giving in to the same fears over and over. It's tough for sure, but I think the change of scenery will be a good thing. As for "finding someone in your 20s," you're not even halfway through! Plenty of successful relationships start later than that in life. If you can put yourself out there and meet enough people, I think you're bound to find someone special. well, I'm just about halfway through. I am meeting more people, though mostly (at least a bit) younger than me, which may factor in a bit (but probably not...) I still don't envision it happening. I see other people, the connections they make (talking about boy/girl related)....it's weird seeing guys look at girls in that certain way. So adoringly. Cute but at the same time sickening. I don't ever envision anyone ever feeling that way towards me. I really think the best I could ever do is a fling, and that's only a step above a one-night-stand (which I really don't want, but am realizing how easy that could be--*cough* after a night of heavy drinking.) I'm old enough to know there could be grave consequences to that, though, so....it's just stupid to me at this point. It's dumb that it ever even crosses my mind. Anyway.... heard some news about a friend of mine, a gal I was pretty much best friends with growing up. I hear she's prego.... Strangely, I find myself feeling really super excited for her. (which kind of annoys me :/) It's such a huge deal to have a baby with someone, and at least I know she's gone about it the right away....she's already married. It weirds me out a bit, though. And makes me feel old. I feel old a lot lately. :S And I hate to say it, but I almost feel slightly envious everytime I find out someone is having a baby. I'm not entirely sure why, as I haven't decided whether or not it's something I really want for myself some day. Maybe it's the whole idea of it. Having someone you're actually that comfortable with to make that huge commitment. The guarantee that you'll be sharing your life with people (who, in theory, should care a great deal about you). hmmm on a semi-related note (in my mind... )....this song has been on my mind and kind of relates to the way I've been feeling (or just oddly correlates to certain things I've been thinking about): And I don't know why, but I always feel like a huge nerd for listening to him. So if you don't like my choice of music, . That is all. Rocky Mountain High - John Denver "He was born in the summer of his 27th year, coming home to a place he'd never been before..." I've been thinking a lot about "home" and what that means. How I feel I don't really have that. I see some people who are really missing their home while being away. And I feel like I'm almost the most indifferent to it. Or really, I'm just the one most dreading a return home. :S I was telling some people I'm working/living with about how I HATE where I come from. A couple of them genuinely seemed a bit disturbed by that, haha. :S I mean, I miss my family. And I feel like I'm missing out on stuff that's going on with them. But, I just have no attachment to the actual place that I'm from. I still hate it. And I hate the idea of going back for any length of time. I mean, short-term, fine. But longer than a month or so...OMG. I know it's likely, though, as funds are just shrinking. Anyway, thoughts on "home"....a place of comfort, security. A place where people know you and embrace you and genuinely love/care for you, completely. A place full of traditions, things/places/people you miss when you're away. As I've said, I miss certain people, but not the place. I think I wish I knew what that felt like, though. To be content in one place. To have it feel "right." To feel you belong somewhere. To not care about going anywhere else because you have everything you could ever want in one place. I haven't found that. Location-wise, I have an idea of certain things I'd really love to have around. But then there's the question of the damn people/connections you're missing in life...*sigh* There's no guarantee I'll ever form them, thinking of long-term. I know I've said it before, but I really feel like I'm on the search for something(s) that doesn't even exist.... I wish my brain didn't work in this way. I try to be positive, actually. I try to enjoy the full experience of what I'm doing right now, in the moment. But it is difficult. I definitely appreciate the opportunity I've been given. I just....still feel like I'm missing something. Something about myself ( probably the fact that I can't even love myself; I'm also still lacking a purpose in life and haven't really found something I feel competent at.) but also lacking that sort of connection that I feel I'll never have. I feel I've made some friends, which is cool, though. I'm fortunate I've gotten along with the people that I have. It's kind of surprising to me. I think I'm still in disbelief that I get along well with as many people I do (which isn't even a whole lot, though). But like, being where I'm at right now, I've been avoiding certain situations/people again. I sometimes just don't want to deal with anything. And certain things seem pointless. hmmmmmmmmmm That's enough for now. I'm sick of thinking/writing. I don't know why I've been missing this alone time. Too much time to think...and this is what comes out. I sometimes have to wonder if I just love misery!
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Jun 13, 2012 23:54:34 GMT -5
My (younger) sister has been diagnosed with a form of cancer. I don't want to go into details, as I know people have been researching it, and I don't want any family to come across this place. In some ways, I suppose...well, supposedly, with what little they know..prognosis seems good. She's been through surgery and it sounds it may take a while to recover (some physical therapy involved)...but apparently she's hanging in there strong. I'm far from home at the moment....and, naturally, questioning a lot of things again. Wishing I was there to offer some form of support, be there to show I care...and at the same time feeling completely guilty that here I've been traveling around, trying to enjoy things, while she's been stuck getting the shittiest, some of the most awful news ever. And I'm not there. She doesn't deserve it in the least bit. She's an amazing person, so kind and thoughtful. And smart. I've always thought only good things of her. So, in my mind, I'm completely bitter towards the world right now. Hating everything. Hating myself. Being annoyed by simply waking up to this god-awful ( ) place. Fuck. Anyway, I don't expect anyone to say anything. I don't even know what to say the couple of times I've spoken with her on the phone. She may be okay with the type it is. And in my mind, I can see many ways in which it could be way worse---she could have been in a car crash and paralyzed for life, dead, on her death bed, etc. etc. etc. But who knows. We're still waiting to hear more news. Keeping my fingers crossed that they've got it all and there's no more trace of it. And hopefully there won't be a sign of it again.... I just feel sick now and then. And find myself wanting to cry at random times. And feeling very angry towards the world, as I've said. It's weird, as I still want to hope that it's all just a sick joke. There's a lot of distance between us right now, so there's a lot that I'm not seeing. If I was there, I really probably wouldn't be able to cope. I'm not coping well now really. :S I never do. With anything. I don't really give a shit about myself, though. I just want for this to all go away for her. She, more than anyone I know, deserves to live a long, healthy, and happy life. It pains me greatly to know that she has to go through this shit. I was telling some people earlier (neither of which understood where I'm coming from, I'm sure)...that I felt as though I wanted to crawl into a room alone and never come out. Why get involved with people? It hurts so much to care for someone, and to feel like it'll be ripped away somehow, someday. All the uncertainty. It's like I can't deal with it. It's so hard to not think of these things. I just want to escape. Aside from these thoughts and feelings...escape life, I guess. I don't like being a part of this nasty, cruel world. *sigh*
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Post by Karen on Jun 14, 2012 7:11:26 GMT -5
Strawberry, I'm so sorry to hear about your sister. I hope she comes through everything okay, and makes a full recovery.
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Post by missklew on Jun 14, 2012 23:20:56 GMT -5
im really sorry to hear about your sister. it sounds like it all happened so suddenly.
it also sounds like the doctors took action right away which is good. it sounds like they are treating it quickly. i understand about not wanting to be picked up in a search engine. if you want to pm me about it feel free to.
it is scary when something happens like this. the whole range of emotions involved. there is a lot of anger involved like this is f ing bs. and life being unfair and why?
it was the 2 year anniversary of my ex death just a few days ago and i was feeling really down and i do feel angry about his death. i do feel angry that he got cheated in many ways. he died of bladder cancer in his late fifties.
then you wonder about your own mortality. wondering if you will have enough time to do what you want to do and don't want to suffer.
i wont ramble. it sucks you are going through this. feel free to talk as much or a little here as you are among friends.
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Jun 16, 2012 22:36:18 GMT -5
Thank you all so much for your support. im really sorry to hear about your sister. it sounds like it all happened so suddenly. it also sounds like the doctors took action right away which is good. it sounds like they are treating it quickly. i understand about not wanting to be picked up in a search engine. if you want to pm me about it feel free to. Indeed. I thought she was completely healthy a month ago. It's been less than a month that all this has happened. :S Once they discovered it, they did take action right away. And recently, I've gotten good news, it seems. The other day, I heard that the doctor seemed "happy and optimistic" with the results. She'll have to get an MRI done 3 months from now...plus have scheduled check-ups for a long time, for life I assume. But as of now, things sound like they are good (or as good as they can be with what is). She's in recovery now. And I hope so much that she'll recover quickly and completely and won't have problems in the future. I can breathe at the moment. I am certainly glad that they seem to have caught it in time, at least. It's all so insane to me, though. And I'll be forever worried about her. And I feel the need to get checked now. ------------------ In other news, and I'm sure this is a long shot....but if anyone happens to be in New York the first week of August...and wants to meet (if only for 10 mins and to say 'hi...hello; I'm here, you're here...how cool is that?'...pm me. I figure it's the best chance I have at ever meeting someone from here, as where I'm originally from is far from everyone and no-one wants to visit that place. Carpe diem...
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Jul 1, 2012 15:31:44 GMT -5
goddamnit.
The sadness. The loneliness. The frustration. Extreme frustration.
This is how bad things happen.
o.m.g.
apologies to those that pm'ed me recently. I'll try and get back to you when I'm not so paranoid about the possibility of people walking past looking at my screen. I haven't even really read them yet.
ugh...I require more privacy than this. I miss my freedom. I miss privacy. I miss independence. I feel so goddamn dependent on people lately. For even the smallest, dumbest things.
And I miss driving!!!
I really can't win.Yeah, if I wasn't here, where I am at the moment, I'd be complaining about something else....
but argh...
I'm not even sure of my current exact location. :S
Pardon my non-sense. I'm sure none of this makes sense to anyone out there right now. I just feel the need to vent!!!!
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Owen
Full Member
Posts: 161
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Post by Owen on Jul 2, 2012 4:03:39 GMT -5
Pardon my non-sense. I'm sure none of this makes sense to anyone out there right now. I just feel the need to vent!!!! My guess would be that this makes more sense to more people here than you think it does.
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Jul 15, 2012 2:48:31 GMT -5
I feel like I’m trying to figure something out, that just can’t be figured out.
Life.
It is what it is. Things happen. It’s not fair. So the fuck what? Why the hell can’t I get over things? Why oh why in the world do I dwell on shit? Even stupid shit? Constantly focusing on the negative. Constantly trying to “figure things out.” What the fuck am I doing? Why won’t my brain shut up? Why can’t I stop hating myself? Why can’t I ever believe in myself? Why do I feel absolutely worthless? Why, why, why, why, why?
I know I ‘shouldn’t’ be doing this ("don’t ever ‘should’ yourself!") But I am. And I do. Constantly. And I can’t seem to stop. What the fuck is wrong with me?
*sigh*
I went jogging the other day, in the morning, prior to having to report to work-based things. And anyway, something fucking weird (yet again) happened.
I’ve not been in this location long, but the times I do work out on my own, afterwards, I typically go between these two big trees, beyond this gate (which was closed and locked at this time) very near to my current housing.
Anyway, I noticed this vehicle pull up to the gate. I had my headphones in and assumed it was someone from one of the organizations we’ve been working with. So, I resume my stretching exercises. Before I know it, out of my peripheral vision, I see this person walking. I look and am faced with a man, who offers to introduce himself. Basically his end of the conversation was along the lines of…”I saw you a bit earlier jogging from (*points in direction*)…I just want to say you’re gorgeous…what do you do? (as in exercise. I guess…)” He then introduces himself. I stupidly shake his hand, trying to think in my head what the hell to do/say to get rid of the guy, because I know it’s VERY STRANGE and VERY FUCKED UP in the way that he approached me. The even weirder part is that…he was introducing himself so casually, as though there was nothing wrong with it. And, granted, had it been a different situation, I may have thought him to be a decent fellow :S. But for christ’s sakes, the man basically admitted to stalking me. He saw me, then followed me, a complete stranger. WEIRD. *sigh* This is the only sort of attention I ever get (from weirdos and in weird ways), I swear to god. It’s so fucked up.
Anyway, luckily, it was a fairly short encounter. When he asked if I lived in the area…I basically responded that I was uncomfortable talking to strangers. Which makes me sound like a little kid, but whatever. I didn’t know how else to respond. I didn’t want to piss him off in any way or anything, but yeah. It’s just fucked up. He approached me so friendly, though, and so casually, as I said….which just sort of scares me. Something had to be way off with him.
Jesus. I couldn’t ever make this stuff up.
It’s weird, though. My thinking during that jog. How I was already thinking of certain things and about how fucked up my brain’s become. How I feel like…oh, I don’t know. I just don’t give a shit about myself. I don’t expect for anything to ever go well for me. So why wait around for certain things? Things you know will never happen for you?
I’m sick of thinking. I’m sick of not enjoying anything. I’m sick of myself. I feel the world is massively fucked up. I really hate it.
I was hoping to renew my faith in humanity, and it’s just not happening. Events have occurred in such a way to only reinforce these feelings. I feel increasingly cynical and lonely and maybe even bitter. I don’t know how to feel any other way.
There are just too many bad things in the world. And I feel those far outweigh all the good. I don’t feel well.
Depression is kicking in again, I believe. I’ve talked to a friend. A bit anyway. I think she thinks I should maybe give medication a shot. I had told her that I really don’t want to. But I feel myself sinking so low sometimes, that even I keep thinking I should just probably do it. Even in knowing this, though, I know that I most likely will not be doing it anytime soon. I am too stubborn.
Maybe I don’t want to feel any other way. Maybe this is how I feel I SHOULD be feeling, in a sense. After all, the world is a shit hole. And only getting shittier and shittier. I really feel that I want no part of it sometimes. Yet again, it’s as though I wish for death. Or even better, to not have ever existed in the first place. I have no purpose. There is no meaning for me. I’m so tired of all the bullshit in life. I’m sick of all these negative feelings. I’m sick of feeling left out. I'm sick of feeling like such an ungrateful bitch. I should have been the one diagnosed with cancer. Not her. It’s just not right.
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Post by missklew on Jul 15, 2012 4:36:51 GMT -5
I've had my share of creepers over the years.
There is just so much hatred and disrespect towards women that people feel entitled to but into your personal space, make comments about your body and so on.
Notice when a woman is in power or is successful at something, all people can talk about is her appearance.
Now that I am older and out of shape, I get zero attention from men and I mean zero. I am completely invisible. It isn't even that I want to be hit on but the realisation that men are so driven by hormones they only talk to females if they can see themselves hooking up with you. That is all we are worth. There is no other reason to even acknowledge our existence.
Now at work, they are forced to deal with women they don't see as attractive but somehow I don't think we get respect from men in the workplace. How can we when all they think women are good for is sex.
You eventually learn to tell the creepers to fuck off and get out of your face because the least little encouragement is enough for them to keep pestering you. I can guarantee creepo is cruising your jogging area waiting to see you again.
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Owen
Full Member
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Post by Owen on Jul 15, 2012 10:14:54 GMT -5
It’s weird, though. My thinking during that jog. How I was already thinking of certain things and about how fucked up my brain’s become. How I feel like…oh, I don’t know. I just don’t give a shit about myself. I don’t expect for anything to ever go well for me. So why wait around for certain things? Things you know will never happen for you? I’m sick of thinking. I’m sick of not enjoying anything. I’m sick of myself. I feel the world is massively fucked up. I really hate it. I was hoping to renew my faith in humanity, and it’s just not happening. Events have occurred in such a way to only reinforce these feelings. I feel increasingly cynical and lonely and maybe even bitter. I don’t know how to feel any other way. There are just too many bad things in the world. And I feel those far outweigh all the good. I don’t feel well. Lots of thoughts and feelings I wish I wasn't intimately familiar with. Depression is kicking in again, I believe. I’ve talked to a friend. A bit anyway. I think she thinks I should maybe give medication a shot. I had told her that I really don’t want to. But I feel myself sinking so low sometimes, that even I keep thinking I should just probably do it. Even in knowing this, though, I know that I most likely will not be doing it anytime soon. I am too stubborn. I'm no expert, but if you're regularly reaching the point where you're feeling you have nothing left to hold onto or live for then I think she is probably right. If you're doubting the need for your own existence then you really have nothing to lose from at least trying that route. Just don't leave it till you hit 30 because then you'll be me and I really wouldn't wish that on anyone. (My new signature is getting all the more truthful everyday!) I've had my share of creepers over the years. And there's one of the two reasons I'm glad to be a man. I've had the unenviable pleasure of dealing with both the feeling of rejection after asking someone out and the unwanted attention from a random person I don't know. I'd take the former every damn time, if I had to deal with the latter on a regular basis I'd go mad.
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Post by Karen on Jul 15, 2012 10:40:09 GMT -5
I'm no expert, but if you're regularly reaching the point where you're feeling you have nothing left to hold onto or live for then I think she is probably right. If you're doubting the need for your own existence then you really have nothing to lose from at least trying that route. ^This. Owen said it perfectly. It is odd that the guy followed you from where he had first seen you (if I read that bit correctly), I hope you're being safe on your runs, maybe take a buddy with you if possible.
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Post by marle on Jul 15, 2012 13:20:02 GMT -5
On gratefulness... I know this might come across as cliche, but being grateful is more of an action than a feeling. There's a place for reflection and feeling thankful, but it is more about living life as best you can. It is difficult for me to feel grateful for having working legs that allow me to walk, having enough food to eat, having a family with parents still alive who I'm on pretty good terms with, etc. I'm used to having these things. But I'm being grateful when I walk a little more, don't waste what I have, find time to visit my family... and just keep living. There are just too many bad things in the world. And I feel those far outweigh all the good. I wish I could say that I completely disagreed with this. I have a pretty dark view of the world, too. For me, there's still a small glimmer of hope that things can get better. I think you have said you feel impatient with the idea of things getting better sometime in the future. It's not a lot to go on, but it's not total despair.
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cito37
New Member
"I may not have much, but I've more determination than any man you're likely to meet." -Big Fish
Posts: 18
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Post by cito37 on Jul 16, 2012 21:39:26 GMT -5
Hey there! Sorry I haven't posted here in a while!
I'm sorry to hear about your sister. I'm sure everything will turn out okay, especially if they were able to catch the cancer pretty early on.
Also, I just want to say that you're an amazing person. I may not know you, but based on your reflections, I know you have a good heart and even though you seem on the verge of giving up on yourself and the world, you never do. And the most amazing people are the ones who have every reason in the world to give up but don't!
I can't believe you'll be in New York! Normally I would say let's meet up because I live in NJ, but I'm actually studying abroad in Peru at the moment and won't be back until August 17th. T.T Would you mind if I asked what state you live in? Sorry if I sound like a creeper. ^^;
But seriously though, I would love to meet you. You have sooo many similar thoughts to mine and it's very rare for me to meet someone like that. In fact, now that I think of it, I don't believe I know anyone who thinks like we do.
Anyways, I really wish the best for you! Somehow I will find a way to help you. I don't know how but I'll think of something, you'll see! ><
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Jul 22, 2012 13:11:43 GMT -5
There is just so much hatred and disrespect towards women that people feel entitled to but into your personal space, make comments about your body and so on. The older and more aware I become of men's reactions to women, the more I'm realizing the truth in all that you're saying. It sounds so terrible, but it is so true. I've never really experienced men honking before. I never noticed that in living where I'm from. Granted, I suppose I never did my jogs in the bigger city that I lived in in the state I'm from along the side of the roads, but I sure as hell have noticed it in the Southern city areas I've lived in. It's further shocking to me, because I'm not even attractive. I don't have an athletic body by any means. The only reason I can come up with is it is because I'm well-endowed. Sometimes, I am with a friend, but it has also happened when I'm off and about on my own. Mostly honking. But when I was with my friend the other night, walking back, there were some honks, as well as people slowing down, and a couple even shouted things (that couldn't be understood) outside their windows. It doesn't bother her as much as it does me, but I also asked her about it and she just said it's happened to her before in the place that she's from. She's used to it, I guess. I just find it ridiculous and really don't understand it. I didn't really think people still did such things. What good does it do? It really just kind of pisses me off and feel unsafe, particularly if on my own. And I should have every right as A HUMAN BEING to roam around without fear or harrassment. It fucking bites. This world is annoying. Men are annoying. People mostly, in general, suck. On gratefulness... I know this might come across as cliche, but being grateful is more of an action than a feeling. There's a place for reflection and feeling thankful, but it is more about living life as best you can. It is difficult for me to feel grateful for having working legs that allow me to walk, having enough food to eat, having a family with parents still alive who I'm on pretty good terms with, etc. I'm used to having these things. But I'm being grateful when I walk a little more, don't waste what I have, find time to visit my family... and just keep living. Thanks. I appreciate your thoughts on this. Hey there! Sorry I haven't posted here in a while! I'm sorry to hear about your sister. I'm sure everything will turn out okay, especially if they were able to catch the cancer pretty early on. Also, I just want to say that you're an amazing person. I may not know you, but based on your reflections, I know you have a good heart and even though you seem on the verge of giving up on yourself and the world, you never do. And the most amazing people are the ones who have every reason in the world to give up but don't! I can't believe you'll be in New York! Normally I would say let's meet up because I live in NJ, but I'm actually studying abroad in Peru at the moment and won't be back until August 17th. T.T Would you mind if I asked what state you live in? Sorry if I sound like a creeper. ^^; But seriously though, I would love to meet you. You have sooo many similar thoughts to mine and it's very rare for me to meet someone like that. In fact, now that I think of it, I don't believe I know anyone who thinks like we do. Anyways, I really wish the best for you! Somehow I will find a way to help you. I don't know how but I'll think of something, you'll see! >< Thank you very much for popping in to say these things. I do appreciate it a lot. It would've been cool to meet you. I'm from Kansas. And really don't want to go back, though I probably will have to for a time. Who knows, though, maybe I'll find a way to...stay away. :S But, I'm currently traveling around the Southern part of the states as part of the program I'm in. I'll be done with this in mid-December. Anyway, thank you all very much for your responses. You folks are the best. *hugs*
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Post by strawberrysweetie on Aug 6, 2012 11:39:29 GMT -5
feeling massively depressed at the moment I don't think I could even adequately describe what I'm feeling right now. "Every man is an island."
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