Post by strawberrysweetie on Aug 11, 2012 23:34:07 GMT -5
I want everything. But at the same time, nothing.
Let's see if I explain this through the following.
I think I've said this before, but...I often wonder what I mean by "having a life."
I still feel like I don't have one. Or at least, not a "real one." :S
Bear with me.
I'm very worried about the future. It's possibly because I'm on the brink of turning 25. And yes, comparing myself to.....well, everyone else.
Then again, I've always worried. This is really no different.
Anyway, back to what I was saying. I think I've figured out what I must mean by it...and it comes down to this: I believe when I say/think, "I need to get a life"...it comes down to all of the things I don't have that I WISH I had....I mean, as they say, "The grass is always greener on the other side." You go one way in life, then you wonder what it'd be like to have done the opposite, which sometimes seems better, in some way. This all doesn't leave me feeling great, as I feel as though...that feeling will most likely always be there for me. No matter what I do, I may never be fully content. Is that normal?
It's really hard to concentrate right now, as people are around. I feel this isn't as well said as I possibly could make it to be...
I believe some people are pefectly content with life. And I believe that many people can be content with life. However, I do not believe I am (nor will I ever) be one of these people.
For example, once upon a time, I felt I couldn't really talk to or connect with anyone in "real life." I didn't think I was capable of it. I always thought..."If only I at least had some friends..." And yet here I am, and I believe I have such friends. And I am not content. I am still ill at ease. Constantly thinking of how I could 'improve' my life. :S Constantly thinking of the future. I don't understand why I can't fully enjoy this experience, though...immerse myself in the moment. Even though I feel there is a lot of bullshit...there is also a ton of laughter at times, which is incredible. I just can't help but wonder what's wrong with me?
I find the work rather miserable, though. I can't get into it. And I don't really feel like I'm learning any skills that will be applicable to whatever I choose to do in real life. Then again, I *think* I'm improving social skills. So, shouldn't this all feel worth it? Such skills are clearly so necessary. I'm constantly focusing on the negative. Constantly. I do feel grateful in one sense, but clearly not fully, if you know what I mean....as being so depressed at times...it just takes away from it, you know? Just....ugh....I don't know how to word this at all.
I need to figure out where I want to go from here, though.
I feel old, sort of...
The classic American Dream: own a nice house, own a car, kids, etc...right? They tell you this is what you should want.
I don't know what I want. I can't make decisions. And I wish I didn't think about this/worry about this so much. I sort of wish I wouldn't constantly be looking at the big picture.
At this point in life, I feel that my wanting "life to begin" is due to not having a significant other, but wanting one.
I'm sick of constantly being the extra wheel. Of not FULLY connecting with someone, if you know what I mean.
I have these two people that I consider my friends, and I hang around them a lot. They may never get into an actual relationship, but whether or not they do, the connection I see between them is undeniable. They are like two peas in a pod. Which is nice for them, but...yeeeaaah. There are times I'm around them when I feel a bit disconnected. I'm so sick of feeling this way.
I think I could go either way, though. I'll do whatever comes my way, I guess. Though I'm feeling like I'm better off being unconventional. Or pretending I'm actually choosing it, when it could just be an excuse. Who can tell? I don't even know.
I should just do my own thing. I wish I could choose that, knowing I'd love it. But I know I won't. But I feel with the way I am, I'm better of choosing the thing that affects the least amount of people. Because I'm obviously a pain in the ass.
I'm thinking my main goal in life should be to just travel as much as possible. If I can figure out a way to do it. If I don't follow through, it most likely only means (1) I don't have the money (2) I don't have the motivation to work out a plan (3) Something major happens to change my mind. Or, all of the above.
And when I turn 50, I'll just give up then. I can't take a life like this longer than that. I may change my mind at that point, or somewhere down the line, who knows, but as long as no one's holding me back and I feel worthless, I assume this is how my life will...turn out.
Which means hitting 25, I'll be at the top of the hill, assuming I'll live at least that long. And those years will go more quickly, right? yay
ugh. So tired.
And yet again, I'm annoying myself for even debating with myself whether or not to post this...like it's some sort of a big deal.
Let's see if I explain this through the following.
I think I've said this before, but...I often wonder what I mean by "having a life."
I still feel like I don't have one. Or at least, not a "real one." :S
Bear with me.
I'm very worried about the future. It's possibly because I'm on the brink of turning 25. And yes, comparing myself to.....well, everyone else.
Then again, I've always worried. This is really no different.
Anyway, back to what I was saying. I think I've figured out what I must mean by it...and it comes down to this: I believe when I say/think, "I need to get a life"...it comes down to all of the things I don't have that I WISH I had....I mean, as they say, "The grass is always greener on the other side." You go one way in life, then you wonder what it'd be like to have done the opposite, which sometimes seems better, in some way. This all doesn't leave me feeling great, as I feel as though...that feeling will most likely always be there for me. No matter what I do, I may never be fully content. Is that normal?
It's really hard to concentrate right now, as people are around. I feel this isn't as well said as I possibly could make it to be...
I believe some people are pefectly content with life. And I believe that many people can be content with life. However, I do not believe I am (nor will I ever) be one of these people.
For example, once upon a time, I felt I couldn't really talk to or connect with anyone in "real life." I didn't think I was capable of it. I always thought..."If only I at least had some friends..." And yet here I am, and I believe I have such friends. And I am not content. I am still ill at ease. Constantly thinking of how I could 'improve' my life. :S Constantly thinking of the future. I don't understand why I can't fully enjoy this experience, though...immerse myself in the moment. Even though I feel there is a lot of bullshit...there is also a ton of laughter at times, which is incredible. I just can't help but wonder what's wrong with me?
I find the work rather miserable, though. I can't get into it. And I don't really feel like I'm learning any skills that will be applicable to whatever I choose to do in real life. Then again, I *think* I'm improving social skills. So, shouldn't this all feel worth it? Such skills are clearly so necessary. I'm constantly focusing on the negative. Constantly. I do feel grateful in one sense, but clearly not fully, if you know what I mean....as being so depressed at times...it just takes away from it, you know? Just....ugh....I don't know how to word this at all.
I need to figure out where I want to go from here, though.
I feel old, sort of...
The classic American Dream: own a nice house, own a car, kids, etc...right? They tell you this is what you should want.
I don't know what I want. I can't make decisions. And I wish I didn't think about this/worry about this so much. I sort of wish I wouldn't constantly be looking at the big picture.
At this point in life, I feel that my wanting "life to begin" is due to not having a significant other, but wanting one.
I'm sick of constantly being the extra wheel. Of not FULLY connecting with someone, if you know what I mean.
I have these two people that I consider my friends, and I hang around them a lot. They may never get into an actual relationship, but whether or not they do, the connection I see between them is undeniable. They are like two peas in a pod. Which is nice for them, but...yeeeaaah. There are times I'm around them when I feel a bit disconnected. I'm so sick of feeling this way.
I think I could go either way, though. I'll do whatever comes my way, I guess. Though I'm feeling like I'm better off being unconventional. Or pretending I'm actually choosing it, when it could just be an excuse. Who can tell? I don't even know.
I should just do my own thing. I wish I could choose that, knowing I'd love it. But I know I won't. But I feel with the way I am, I'm better of choosing the thing that affects the least amount of people. Because I'm obviously a pain in the ass.
I'm thinking my main goal in life should be to just travel as much as possible. If I can figure out a way to do it. If I don't follow through, it most likely only means (1) I don't have the money (2) I don't have the motivation to work out a plan (3) Something major happens to change my mind. Or, all of the above.
And when I turn 50, I'll just give up then. I can't take a life like this longer than that. I may change my mind at that point, or somewhere down the line, who knows, but as long as no one's holding me back and I feel worthless, I assume this is how my life will...turn out.
Which means hitting 25, I'll be at the top of the hill, assuming I'll live at least that long. And those years will go more quickly, right? yay
ugh. So tired.
And yet again, I'm annoying myself for even debating with myself whether or not to post this...like it's some sort of a big deal.