A weak moment... Dec 7, 2013 21:49:59 GMT -5
Post by Strawberry on Dec 7, 2013 21:49:59 GMT -5
Sweet Pea...you are right.
I can be such a complete jackass sometimes.
Apologies to anyone who may be offended.
I'd be lucky if certain people here could ever consider me a friend again.
Farouche...you are simply amazing. And for that, I give you first dibs at taking my life...for so soon a return--I am so ridiculous and can't seem to stop from embarrassing myself (I know you wouldn't do it...but...please, please do it! ) I beg you.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!?!?
I mean, I know...but why do I keep doing the things I do? I know what I should be doing. But it's like whenever I find myself in a hole...I....just keep digging, just keep digging, just keep digging, digging, digging..... What is wrong with me?
Some...basically stranger...asked me...."Do you always push people away?"
That's certainly a phrase I've used to describe my problems before, probably well hidden within this thread. Several people here could even testify to that.
I'm 26. My age is really beginning to irritate me. And I think what I choose to do within the next few years are probably some of the biggest, most important decisions I will have to make in my life....
I feel completely nauseous. Nauseous about the way I've behaved (and felt) in regards to some things. Nauseous about where I am and what I'm doing currently in life (I'm completely pathetic). Nauseous about my nearly 180 degree turn in regard to certain things that used to be important to me--though some may still be important to me, I'm still not able to decide. Nauseous about the future.
"You are also bipolar as hell and can't make a decision on your own."
You know those silly things people post...this came from something kind of completely ridiculous about zodiac signs. I don't think most of it applied to me, but that sort of struck a chord with me. Indecision is something my "sign" is well known for (if you put any sort of stock into that sort of thing ). I always think it's kind of fun to read such things just to pick out the pieces that apply to me...in order to figure myself out. Though, no matter how much 'figuring' I try to do...it doesn't matter as I hardly ever take any action to change. :S
Yeah, fuck. About that.
Here lately, especially, the person I see myself as, inside my head, IS completely bipolar sometimes. These days, one moment I imagine myself traveling around...taking risks...screwing off...enjoying myself in the moment. And the next moment I envision myself completely with one goal...just taking off, heading for San Fran, and finding myself peering over the Golden Gate Bridge contemplating whether or not to jump. For example. :S
All the while, really, I'm just sitting/laying in one spot doing absolutely nothing, staring off into space. Actually, such thoughts creep in at any moment....multiple...really, numerous...times....at work, at home, wherever else. It doesn't really matter what I'm doing or who I'm with. They're always there.
The major depression (bouts of it) has definitely been there since I was at least 15.
These other thoughts though...the risk-taking...have only entered my mind in the more recent years. I'm not sure what to make of them. :/ Is it who I really am? Or am I just so desperate for change that I'm willing to do anything, even if it means wrecking my life?
I've always been a "good" person. Doing the right things. Staying in a straight line.
When I was 10, I imagined myself keeping my faith throughout my whole life, only being with one person, having...like...as many as 4 kids. The normal find someone, get married, have kids...the basic American dream sort of life.
The faith thing is basically off my radar at this point, and I've become completely apathetic about it. I don't think it's something I'll ever get back. How could someone have created this place, only to cause so much suffering to so many people?
Some people fight so hard for their lives. Enjoy life in the moment (as should be). There are a fair few good people out there, I've met them. But how do they remain so positive? How does someone with a major illness keep fighting? Why do we keep this (or want) this world to keep going?
People who are positive...hopeful...nice and seemingly unable to be knocked down by anything...I've met a few of them. While such people can be a breath of fresh air to me...sometimes all I want to do is roll my eyes whenever they say something. All of those rose-colored lenses that they're peering through to see the world. I'm envious. But also nauseated.
Love. Or lack there of. Changes everything.
How do terrible people manage to get whatever they want? Being good seems to have gotten me nowhere. Very few people give a real shit. Most people...they thank you for your time and then eventually disappear. And crying doesn't help whatsoever.
Again...I realize there are good people...and they work so hard to get what they have and they achieve it all, but how do they do it? How do they not let things get them down? How do people keep on going?
I don't know what to do. I really am feeling completely lost.
How can I remain patient and try to be hopeful...for things that may never happen? And with the way things are now, staying on a straight path right now, seems it may be completely boring.
I kind of feel like I *need* a bad influence....someone who can bring me out of myself. To let go. To have some fun. Why couldn't I feel this way 10 years ago? When most normal people do?
One moment, I see myself driving to NC to meet up with a friend of mine. She may be able to 'help' with that, but I also don't know if she's reliable or not. Another moment I see myself taking a road trip in the opposite direction....just for the hell of it. One moment I'm taking my younger sister so that she can get away (a 'safe' and good--and non-selfish--option). Another moment I'm alone and trying to find someone new to hang out with. And yet another time I'm going abroad, knowing it's most likely only temporary, but just trying to get another experience in. Yet another time, I'm staying right where I am, playing it completely safe. But am alone and completely bored out of my mind, struggling through every moment of it anyway.
All of my closest friends I've had IRL (where I'm from anyway)...have progressed. Quickly gotten married, had kids, etc. It's hard to hang out with married people..or even those just in relationships. That's all their life becomes about! Granted, I'd really rather be in that position (most of all, it would be great to have someone to share all of life with--to have something dependable and long-lasting), but since I'm not....I'm just...alone and lost. And it drives me mad. I need to meet new people. But those that I meet might not be the best for me. :/
But what is life about? More specifically, what is MY life about? What am I meant to do?
"Life is a carnival. . . .Some play it safe on the merry-go-round. Others go for the thrills of the roller-coaster."
Considering we're in modern times...I have the curse of having options. If you can't make my life disappear completely, can someone please send me back to the 1800s? I really sometimes wish that I didn't have them.
Should I play it safe? Or should I take some risks?
Should I stay where I'm at (and continue to work towards moving somewhere new) and begin working towards a safe, stable lifestyle (even though it may mean I'll be alone anyway)? Or should I challenge myself and consider taking some risks? I know full well that whatever I choose, the end result may be the same. :/ That's what bothers me most of all!
I can't decide which way to go. I can't decide whether I'm meant to be here forever or if I'm meant to be here for a shorter time than usual. The choice could be easier if I only knew!
Do I want to feel obligated to stick around? Or should I just do whatever the hell I want just to pass my brief time here?
I find life to be a complete nightmare.
Mortality bothers me. Not even necessarily my own. But that of those I love most of all. Those I NEED. Those I depend on. I hate that anything can happen anytime...to anyone. And we're all a victim of time. And fate. Whatever that may entail.
It bothers me so much.
Fuck. I don't know if any of this makes any sense at all. And I don't feel I'm saying things the way I wanted to.
I don't even think I know if I mean half of what I say/think.
I feel so sick.
In other news...I need to get a rant out. Before more time passes to the point of where I'm raining on everyone's parade again. I'm miserable, but I shouldn't let my misery bring others down. But I find it extremely difficult to put on a fake act.
It's a holiday rant.
I think I hate Christmas most of all. I loved it when I was young, but I've just become so bitter. It's all about family. It's great to be around my own, but it just makes me feel even more terribly lonely on a personal level (plus...having to put up with answering everyone's questions). New Year's, too. Actually....I find Nov. through February are the worst months ever...yes, I let a whole 1/3 of the year get me down. I feel soooo angry and cynical to the point of wanting to avoid everything. :S
And gifts. I don't care about them. Why can't the things we really want be nicely packaged?
Worst commercial of all? "Every kiss begins with..."----'What? A quick, swift punch in the face?' *walks out of the room*
I guess my brother's getting married soon. A simple, quick thing. I hope for the best for him, as the circumstance seem strange to me. On the other hand, I'm also a jerk because I feel completely like shit given my situation. He's 6, nearly 7 years, younger than me. I'm rather surprised they're moving so quickly. :S Yes, I'm certainly the most fucked up one of the bunch.
I've had a couple of possible near-death-experiences in my lifetime. After the fact, it's one of the few things that can give me a new perspective on life. But, eventually I return to the same state of being. I don't understand why I'm still around. Again, people are struggling to try and save their own lives. While every day, I wish I never had one to begin with. I don't understand. I REALLY don't deserve to be here.
We're far past the times where all we had to do was struggle every day just to fight to survive. Is it really a blessing or is it more of a curse? Why does it get to the point of wondering what the point of life is? Taking things for granted, always wanting more, something different...because of the options.
It all feels like too much. :S
I've been having headaches lately...waking up with (or just feeling it randomly throughout the day)...where I just feel like there's so much pressure in my brain. That's the only way I can explain it.
I'm so fucking overwhelmed and I'm not even doing much? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?
Anyway...quite possibly no matter what I do, I vote myself 'most likely' to either have a nervous breakdown or eventually commit suicide. Or both. I seem to be too weak of a person to put up with life's crap. You all would be very smart to start taking bets.
My life is a complete fucking joke.
Yeah, rant done, I guess. Wallowing in self-pity. *hangs head in shame* I'll allow myself to remain bitter for the rest of this month at least (god, that sounds stupid ). Maybe...just maybe...in the new year I'll try to work harder at changing my attitude.