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Post by Sweet Pea on Mar 28, 2011 13:46:48 GMT -5
And then when I went on Facebook, my soul was pierced at the core by what I read. "[Girl Geekguy likes] has changed their relationship status from 'Single' to 'In a Relationship'" aww man...that sucks. Still it's one of those lessons you have to learn in life. One day you'll remember that feeling and make a move on a girl and be rewarded, I hope. i'm really sorry to hear that gg. sounds very painful. hopefully the time you spend with the psych means these things will one day be a distant memory of the past.
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Post by Grayback on Mar 28, 2011 13:53:37 GMT -5
I feel like I can understand what you're going through since it's pretty close to what my own life has been like for years. Like you, I generally lack the courage and strength needed to try and act upon my feelings and I have lost many opportunities because of that. I cried sometimes too in the beginning but now, even that doesn't happen anymore, I feel mostly empty.
Video games have been an escape from the real world for me for many years now but I have to say it doesn't bring me the same peace it did in the beginning. Lately, when I play a game, I get quickly tired of it and have to do something else. I don't know if that's also the case for you but then again, I'm a little older than you so I probably have been playing games for a longer time.
Unfortunately, apart from sharing with you my own experience, I cannot offer you any real advice because I'm still trying to get better ( and that's no easy task, when you've fallen as far as I did ) but please, like 1229 said, hang in there.
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Post by geekguy on Mar 30, 2011 10:36:06 GMT -5
Thanks for your condolences guys, at this point hanging in there is all I want to accomplish.
I've been keeping myself pre-occupied simply playing a lot of Monday Night Combat as Sniper, having many many games where I get anywhere between 20-50 kills and less than 2-10 deaths (I had a game where I went 52 kills 3 deaths, that was insane). I should probably be trying to look for a job or something but to be honest fuck that right now.
Also I made an appointment with the psychologist I was recommended down in the area I'm moving to. The appointment is on the 19th of April in the afternoon, and it costs 30 dollars per session after I get the medical health care refund (otherwise without that it would be 150!). It's a while off but hopefully it goes well all the same.
And we're moving house on Friday, it has now been confirmed and we're moving a bunch of stuff over to the new house in preparation tomorrow. This computer will stay here until Friday but almost all my stuff will be going across. Once we're settled into the new house, I guess it'll just be a case of waiting for the internet to get set back up before I can get back to browsing all my normal sites. Basically I probably won't be on here at all for between 10 and 20 days while our internet plan is redirected to our new house.
I'll probably walk around the area a bunch to familiarise myself and see if there are any obvious job opportunities but I'm not getting my hopes up.
Oh and my brother is coming over to visit from Melbourne on the other side of the country, I believe on the 10th or 13th of April for 2 weeks. On one hand I'm really looking forward to this, as I love my brother and have really missed hanging out with him since I last saw him (I think it was christmas 2009, such a long time ago), but on the other hand, by the time he was my age growing up, he had already accomplished a lot and set himself firmly on a path to having a good career, life skills, experiences, and working towards his ambitions. Me on the other hand, I've got a diploma in something I can't make any use of and that's it. Beyond that, I'm basically the utter failure of this family, and in my eyes it's shameful for me to have nothing to show for myself to him, because I respect him and his accomplishments so much. When I was growing up I wanted to be just like big brother, but in the many years gone by, I have nothing for myself that can even remotely compare. It's pathetic really.
I suppose it won't be too bad though, he knows what I'm going through and also gave me a little push to make the psychologist appointment. I'm still a disappointment though, no matter how much support he throws behind me.
I don't think I'm quite at rock bottom yet, but It doesn't seem like I'm far from there...
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Post by Grayback on Mar 30, 2011 13:27:55 GMT -5
I don't think I'm quite at rock bottom yet, but It doesn't seem like I'm far from there... Believe me on this, even when you feel like you've reached what seems to be the bottom of the chasm, you can still manage to dig deeper and deeper until you've made yourself a nice little tomb from which it's even harder to get out. I'm also a bit of a disappointment in my family ( mostly to my father, my mother is a bit more supportive of me ), though not for the same reasons. That is, I'm the only "intellectual" in the family who chose to pursue my studies rather than finding a manual labor like my brother and sister before me ( I'm the last child in my family ). But the truth is I suck at manual tasks, it's not my thing and I can't change that even though sometimes I would like to just to please my father... It's a good thing that you chose to go see a psychologist, it proves that you want to change things and that indeed, you haven't reached the bottom yet. You should be proud of that, it might not seem like much yet but it might be the beginning of a difficult road that could take you up to where you began your fall. Don't give up, I think you stand a good chance of getting better and that is something I wish for you .
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Post by geekguy on Apr 5, 2011 2:48:18 GMT -5
Haha I'm back on the net (for now anyway). I know I said it'd be a while but I am in fact using the internet at my old college I graduated from, since alumni can come back and use the facilities anytime as long as it doesn't take away from anyone who is currently enrolled and studying (and this classroom is currently empty :3).
So we've moved into our new house. It was a mammoth effort (although I just moved small things around, I would have damaged myself trying to lift any of the remotely heavy items), but in the end we got into our new house at the end of Friday. The car ride was the hardest part for me to be honest, because we had to take the cat with us in our car, and mum didn't want to use one of those carry bags for cats (and neither did I). So we brought the cat into the car and she immediately began meowing, I held onto her for a bit but then she just moved around the car on her own, looking out of all the windows and meowing a lot, before finally settling down a bit and sitting on the little section between me and mum, occasionally meowing and burying her little nose into my arm. I felt really bad that we had to put her through the move (she was shaking the whole time) but the alternative of course is to leave her behind and I'll be damned if we leave our cat behind! She's now doing fine though, and is getting used to the new place.
The new house is really big, and I'm far enough away from my parents that I haven't woken them up at all, even if I go into the kitchen to get something to eat, it's fantastic! And get THIS: I have my video games consoles, my computer, my books, and my bed all in one room! It was so awesome, I woke up the next morning, rolled over, grabbed the TV remote and Wii-mote and started playing Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess from my bed lol. It will still be a while before I can take full advantage of the setup since we don't really know when the internet will be reconnected but until then I'll occasionally use my friends computer or this one to check on things online. And I do check here from time to time on my phone but I can't post from my phone T_T
The local area is pretty cool too, theres a video rental store, bakery, supermarket, cafes and fast food all super close-by, yet we're far enough away from the main road that we can't hear the night-time traffic while we go to sleep.
Also, after the move, the next day my friends friend was having a 22nd birthday party so I went as well, and while it took the party a while to get started and for people to stop being fashionably late (2-3 hours is not fashionably late fyi, it's just obnoxious lol), it was entertaining in the end. Some people were playing drunk basketball down at the court connected to his house, some other friends of mine turned up and I got to talk to them for a while, and I was introduced to a couple of pretty ladies as Sheldon (from Big Bang Theory), and they thought that was really cute so I somehow managed to talk to them for a while before they left. They both added me on Facebook which was cool and declared we are all going out clubbing next weekend, so I gotta get organized and buy some new dress shoes so I don't get thrown out of places! I woke up a bit hungover, but as far as I was concerned, it was worth it. Could've eaten some more pizza when it came through but oh well.
So things aren't so bad for me right now, and for the most part the pressure feels like it has been somewhat lifted off my shoulders as far as doing something with myself goes. There are enough places around that I can apply for and if I take a bus I can easily get to other possible job-hubs. I'm still going to my psychologist thing on the 19th though, I don't feel THAT good lol. Like the other day, my step-dad came home, I was having a pie that I bought from around the corner because our pantry still isn't really stocked properly yet, and he immediately bombarded me with "So have you been out looking for a job yet? Got any application forms? Why not? You need to do something, you can't sit around and bludge forever." All I could think was "jesus man it's been FOUR DAYS, relax a bit, I'm still not even 100% unpacked yet." I might try talking to mum about it to see if she can get him to lay off a bit but she will probably take his side or something. In the meantime, I AM actually doing something today, e-mailing my resume to my mums work e-mail so she can use their printer to print a whole bunch of resumes off for me. And I've been checking out how to use the busses in the area so It's not like I'm not doing ANYTHING, just not enough in my step-dads eyes I guess.
Just trying to think what else is new... well aside from all this moving business, as far as games go, I'm trying to burn through all the single player games I've never gotten around to passing. Off the top of my head, these include Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, Metroid Prime: Corruption, Half Life 2: Episode 1 and 2, Mass Effect 1 and 2, as well as putting some more time into Civilization 5. I also have a whole bunch of anime to watch and the local video rental place has a bunch of anime to rent out too so once I get my account sorted with them they're probably going to see a lot of me lol.
Umm... yeah I can't think of much else as far as what is going on with me. I WILL upload some pictures of the new house once all the boxes are out of the way (my room only has 1 left so I'll get pictures of that up soon enough). Also have some really cute pics of my cat to post up :3
And lastly, I've missed you guys :3
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Post by Karen on Apr 5, 2011 6:04:10 GMT -5
Yay! We missed you too, glad your in your new house. Too bad your cat took the move hard, I've had to do the same thing with my cat a few times before, eight times to be exact, yes I said eight. They never like it, but luckily they recover fast. The tone of this diary entry was a lot more upbeat, which was really nice to see, I hope things continue well for you!
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Post by geekguy on Apr 8, 2011 7:44:59 GMT -5
Thanks Karen the cat is mostly back to her normal behavior (ie. Coming to my window and meowing at me whether I'm awake or not to come and let her in the back door, then demanding to be let out 5mins later lol). She is still skittish about the back sliding door though lol :3 I'm typing this on an iPad and it has quite low battery so I'll try not to make this too wordy. Yesterday I went out around lunch and walked and bussed my way around the local area handing out resumes. I applied to bookstores, bars, hotels, chemists, pharmacies, liquor stores, pizza places, video rental stores, arcades and some more. I also tried to apply to banks and libraries but they told me to apply online which is a nuisance given my lack of connection lol, but maybe this iPad of my sisters will be capable enough for the job. I also went out on Wednesday and bought myself a HOT pair of dress shoes that I will put pics up for at my earliest convenience :3 though, I haven't heard from either of the girls that I'm meant to be joining for clubbing this weekend so I have no idea what's going on there. And I'm just not sure about it at all, because in the end, I'm far less at ease with the party type of girls than I am simply having a drink or playing video games on my own. I'm kinda happy to be noticed at all but I don't have high hopes for anything coming of this... Bah, it's hard to communicate exactly how this kind of thing makes me feel. Well anyway, I can't add too much more to this except that I've clocked 25 hours on legend of Zelda twilight princess and am partway through a bunch of different anime series. I've been able to keep myself occupied easily enough, yet I do still find myself quite bored and aimless in this new place. Maybe I can keep myself better occupied with the iPad Internet as long as my sis let's me use it lol.
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Post by geekguy on Apr 14, 2011 7:04:11 GMT -5
Internet is baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! A proper post later when I can be bothered
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Post by geekguy on Apr 14, 2011 14:42:46 GMT -5
Ok time to do a proper reply (though its probably not a great time for it, nearing 3am here, very sleepy lol).
So yeah, internet has returned early to me which is fantastic of course. I've already been and checked all my usual sites, gotten up to date on whatever I've missed etc, and I immediately fired up Monday Night Combat on here and sniped away some more. My first few rounds I couldn't shoot very accurately but then I got back into my groove and before I knew it I had another 49 kill 2 death game lol...
So yeah, my brother is here now, he flew in on Wednesday at 3pm and I went with my parents to the airport to get him. He has a pink hair-do at the moment lol, and is his usual self (so in other words, confident, busy, on the go, heavily invested in his music, humorous).
I was taken aback by how quickly he was to criticize me though. Basically we had a quick detour to a shopping centre for my step-dad to grab his iPad from the store so I went and browsed an electronics store and my brother came with me. He asked me what I was up to and how I was going with things, how my 3D was going etc, all of which are not great. As we were browsing the games section and I complained how all the good games are always spread across the different consoles so I have to buy them all he had a big dig at me for spending too much time playing video games, that I should be making more of an effort to get a job, even if the job sucks, because my parents "won't put up with you forever."
It's all pretty much truthful but he didn't need to be quite so blunt. It only served to make me upset because it was so unexpected, I wanted to chill out with my bro and have fun and he's already launched into criticism mode. He tried to explain to me how playing games so much causes one to get addicted to the chemical dopamine which is released by the brain when success is reached (or something like that), but most of it went over my head, I was far too distressed to really give much thought to it, I just offered weak nods of my head n such so that he didn't think I wasn't listening. I did almost tear up a little bit.
We got home eventually and since then he's been alright, but he just has almost 0 interest in video games anymore, I can only really hang out with him if I go with him to social gatherings of people who are just as into music as he is, or his old old friends from way back. It's ok because it gets me outside and being social but it drains me and just doesn't really do much for me. Being social for the sake of being social seems kinda silly to me really.
It's not like he didn't say anything supportive though; when he was asking about me knowing any girls as friends or girlfriends, I told him that I'm no good at that kind of thing, to which he said that I shouldn't give myself such negative reinforcement like that, that there's nothing fundamentally wrong with me and to get good at that kind of thing I just need to practice at it. Easier said than done brother.
Anyway, Thursday (it's Friday here at the moment), I got up and headed to my friend's workplace, which is a branch of a company that trains people to work in mining environments. He had told me that he may be able to give me some work since I'm a 3D guy and had a job that I could put my skills to, so we arranged that I'd get there at 11, bring pen and paper, tape measure, and dress formally. I don't really have FORMAL clothes, but I put on some nice looking clothes anyway, the stuff I thought would be acceptable anyway, and got there on time and was taken to his office.
He was very business-like and showed me what he needed to be done: basically the current fire escape plan for their buildings are quite bad and they'd like to get some new ones made up, as well as a fire escape plan for their new building next door, and the quarry area. So he showed me around, told me what sort of things were wrong with the current plan (most of which I agreed with) and let me know what he'd like done as far as a new plan goes.
So with a copy of the old plan in hand, he took me to the new building that doesn't have a fire escape plan yet, and I did a little bit of tape measuring, but the tape measure I brought wasn't very long so I couldn't accurately measure the whole place. No problem I figure, he wants the plan simpler anyway, so as long as it is at least representative of the size of the compound, while detailing the key areas like stairs and doors, it should be fine. I also took some pictures on my camera phone (we don't have a normal camera, though he said to bring one).
Then we got in his company ute and drove out to the quarry. During the drive, I asked him if what I was wearing was formal enough, to which he said no. He proceeded to lecture me about presentation and how I should have a pair of slacks, nice shoes and business shirt, to which I quietly reminded him that I lack an income to buy such things. He also said I should have a file with the paper in it so it looks more professional when I walk around sketching things down (I basically just brought a notepad, worked just fine really).
So we got to the quarry, and he gave me the tour from the car because it is quite a big area. At this point I was severely wondering if I was the right person for this job; just because I can work 3D software, doesn't make me qualified to make maps of much of anything. I took note mainly of the landmarks like the scrapyard in the middle of a big loop so it would make it easier, but even as I type this, it's really hard to think of all the roads and how they meet up, because the area is just big. Big and with lots and lots of bush in the way of everything. The more we drove around, the more of a sense of dread I got, there was just so much bush and road and winding trails that connect up somewhere else. I got out at a couple of points and took photos and doodled some sketches but they're not really useful overall. And while getting down from a vantage point I climbed up I slipped on the rocks and fell, grazing my arm, which was lame, it wasn't serious as much as it was incredibly annoying.
We finished going around the quarry and went to the shops for lunch, the whole drive there he kept going on about how this could be a good career starter for me, should set myself up a business e-mail, get some nice clothes together, if I can do this he may be able to set me up with some other work blah blah blah. At lunch, I simply studied the floor plan for a long time. He mentioned that he could have just hired someone else to come out and do it but he decided to go out on a limb and try to help me with this. While I'm sure the idea was to be flattering and try and bring me on board, I couldn't help but just feel absolute dread. Dread dread dread dread dread. I kept thinking to myself the whole time "this is not my field, I can't do this, why am I doing this, how did I get into this, how do I get out of this?" Instead of simply trying to bail though, I voiced my big concern that, if I messed this up, somehow things would never be the same, to which he tried to assure me that business stays business, and that when he's not at work, he doesn't have his business with him at all (aside from having work people ring him for whatever reason from time to time), and basically that I shouldn't worry about that, if I can't do it, he simply won't pay me. That seems fair to me, but I can't help but feel that, if I do mess up, it really WOULD affect things, even if its just on a subconscious level since he says he doesn't WANT it to affect things.
So I said I'd give it a go. I have a weak plan that I can try to help me complete this in some good time (at least, without the quarry bit done), but I just feel so out of it. I look at the map and my thoughts jumble, I can't focus on it for long enough to clear my thoughts. On the train home from the lunch, all my fears and doubts about my current task, negative thoughts about how I've done in 3D and life in general, and my brothers words from Wednesday all caught up with me and I found myself choking back tears numerous times on the train ride home, recalling to myself how much of a failure I've been, and that no one will ever really really understand, they will all continue to say "nothing's wrong with you kevin," or "you'll be ok." Because I'm totally just faking this shit right? Or I just totally need to relax or something eh?
So now I'm at home, after my brother brought me out with him to meet the people we're doing something with next week, some camping rave party adventure thing that I'm feeling kinda iffy about, since I don't really DO camping, but the people tonight were ok. I'm still generally feeling like shit though, that I'm still not getting anywhere, that I can't wait for this psychology appointment to hurry up and be there (only 4 days to go), that I wish my brother could understand that I don't want to be a party animal, just a quiet gamer that enjoys some sprinklings of adventure around the place. I wish the people around me could actually see what is going on with me instead of just dismissing me as being lazy. Hell, today when I was at home and telling my mother about how I was really uneasy about my ability to do what my friend has asked me to do, she didn't consider the fact that I was pretty miserable about it, she didn't seem to stop and think that maybe my concerns had some validity to them, instead she simply came back with "well you HAVE to do it." Seriously mum? You're just going to palm it off just like that?
So I'm back to feeling shitty I guess, what a way to return to the internet huh...
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Post by Grayback on Apr 15, 2011 12:57:56 GMT -5
We're all addicted to something I think and though it is true that video games can become an addiction, it is IMHO not as dangerous as being addicted to alcohol, smoking,...
Then again, I suppose I'm not really the most objective person when it comes to this particular subject ;D. I do think that contrary to what a number of people seem to believe, it's not playing video games that makes someone introverted but rather it's because you're shy and introverted to begin with that you turn to video games as a kind of escape from the real world.
Your brother was indeed a bit too blunt in the way he said those things to you but I think his intention was to try and help you ( admittedly in a less than subtle manner ). As for the job you're talking about, I think you are underestimating your abilities and also you're being way too hard on yourself ( just like me most of the time ). I know this is easier said than done but you should try to stop telling yourself that you're a failure because that's not true, it's just your depression talking...
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Post by putter65 on Apr 15, 2011 13:12:28 GMT -5
I've gone thru a similar situation regarding facebook. This woman I've been in love with for months has changed her status to 'in a relationship' - and also this guy is typing all sorts of messages such as 'love u babe xx', crap like that.
A month ago I thought I had a bit of a chance with her. She came golfing with me and we seemed to have a good time. After that though things went downhill and I didn't hear from her much, she didn't reply to my texts or interact with me on facebook. Then out of the blue, she starts chatting with me on facebook. She says 'sorry for not replying to my texts, said thanks for being a friend, and wanted to go golfing again.' - So it looked promising again only to see two days later all sorts of 'love you' messages between her and and some old flame. I wasn't that upset, I sort of knew I never had a chance. Next day though she chats again. Really nice chat. Since then loads more 'love u' messages and some other male buddy of her is typing all kinds of vomit inducing stuff on her wall. I'm just keeping out of it. I don't like competitions. I find what works best is to let her initate any contact. I might send her a text on Good Friday wishing her a happy easter. I don't think I left things too late or wasn't bold enough. She wasn't interested in me romantically. She probably likes me as a friend. She has told me this. I'm cool with that. Friends is better than nothing I suppose. I'm used to this, failing, losing. You've just got to keep yourself amused and not get too down.
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Post by Karen on Apr 15, 2011 13:56:10 GMT -5
We're all addicted to something I think and though it is true that video games can become an addiction, it is IMHO not as dangerous as being addicted to alcohol, smoking,... Then again, I suppose I'm not really the most objective person when it comes to this particular subject ;D. I do think that contrary to what a number of people seem to believe, it's not playing video games that makes someone introverted but rather it's because you're shy and introverted to begin with that you turn to video games as a kind of escape from the real world. I agree and second this. Sorry your brother was hard on you, its always the one's we love the most that hurt us the worst. He probably had your best interests at heart, but he would have done better to be supportive instead of critical. I don't know if this will help you any, and I hope I don't come off as condescending but I've noticed that when a job seems overwhelming, if I just focus on one small step, then the next, and so on, it tends to be a little less intimidating. The 3D job seems like a BIG job, but you will do better then you think, and maybe you could go back out to your friends work and get more information, instead of trying to remember all the details you need.
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Post by geekguy on Apr 15, 2011 14:54:56 GMT -5
We're all addicted to something I think and though it is true that video games can become an addiction, it is IMHO not as dangerous as being addicted to alcohol, smoking,... Then again, I suppose I'm not really the most objective person when it comes to this particular subject ;D. I do think that contrary to what a number of people seem to believe, it's not playing video games that makes someone introverted but rather it's because you're shy and introverted to begin with that you turn to video games as a kind of escape from the real world. Your brother was indeed a bit too blunt in the way he said those things to you but I think his intention was to try and help you ( admittedly in a less than subtle manner ). As for the job you're talking about, I think you are underestimating your abilities and also you're being way too hard on yourself ( just like me most of the time ). I know this is easier said than done but you should try to stop telling yourself that you're a failure because that's not true, it's just your depression talking... Thanks man, I also agree that I could be addicted to far worse things like bad drugs, compared to which video games are as tame as can be. I've gone thru a similar situation regarding facebook. This woman I've been in love with for months has changed her status to 'in a relationship' - and also this guy is typing all sorts of messages such as 'love u babe xx', crap like that. A month ago I thought I had a bit of a chance with her. She came golfing with me and we seemed to have a good time. After that though things went downhill and I didn't hear from her much, she didn't reply to my texts or interact with me on facebook. Then out of the blue, she starts chatting with me on facebook. She says 'sorry for not replying to my texts, said thanks for being a friend, and wanted to go golfing again.' - So it looked promising again only to see two days later all sorts of 'love you' messages between her and and some old flame. I wasn't that upset, I sort of knew I never had a chance. Next day though she chats again. Really nice chat. Since then loads more 'love u' messages and some other male buddy of her is typing all kinds of vomit inducing stuff on her wall. I'm just keeping out of it. I don't like competitions. I find what works best is to let her initate any contact. I might send her a text on Good Friday wishing her a happy easter. I don't think I left things too late or wasn't bold enough. She wasn't interested in me romantically. She probably likes me as a friend. She has told me this. I'm cool with that. Friends is better than nothing I suppose. I'm used to this, failing, losing. You've just got to keep yourself amused and not get too down. I'd like to say that, while I've never posted in the thread, I have been following your diary thread regarding this woman that you're so deeply into, and I'd like to say that I feel for ya man. It totally sucks to see someone you're into going for other people, and when it happens, really all you can do is just be their friend, which is usually not a bad thing, and as all the outgoing types like to say, there are plenty of other fish in the sea, but I know how hard it can be to see beyond the girl you're attached to. I wish you all the best for your situation and hope that you can eventually come to be at peace with it all. We're all addicted to something I think and though it is true that video games can become an addiction, it is IMHO not as dangerous as being addicted to alcohol, smoking,... Then again, I suppose I'm not really the most objective person when it comes to this particular subject ;D. I do think that contrary to what a number of people seem to believe, it's not playing video games that makes someone introverted but rather it's because you're shy and introverted to begin with that you turn to video games as a kind of escape from the real world. I agree and second this. Sorry your brother was hard on you, its always the one's we love the most that hurt us the worst. He probably had your best interests at heart, but he would have done better to be supportive instead of critical. I don't know if this will help you any, and I hope I don't come off as condescending but I've noticed that when a job seems overwhelming, if I just focus on one small step, then the next, and so on, it tends to be a little less intimidating. The 3D job seems like a BIG job, but you will do better then you think, and maybe you could go back out to your friends work and get more information, instead of trying to remember all the details you need. Nah you're not condescending at all, a step by step approach is what I would often use while doing my college projects for 3D animation, and it worked out pretty well. My main difficulty is that I have to base it off such a large real world area that is quite a distance away from where I live and even from any sort of remotely accessible public transport. Thinking more about it now, it SHOULD be ok if I work on improving the old plans and making the plans for the new building first, and then seeing how those go, before tackling the quarry part of the job. I'm sure I will annoy my friend a bit when I go to his workplace again in my not-amazingly-formal-business-wear clothes, but even my parents thought that he was being a bit "hoity-toity" as we like to say about what I was wearing last time I went, they thought the clothes were perfectly fine for such a thing. So today has been far more positive of an experience, mostly unexciting throughout the day, but ending with quite the bang! Basically I spent most of the day on the internet, because yay internet is back I didn't play any games though, I browsed some sites I like to go to and then went about brainstorming and searching for all the websites of companies that accept/prefer online job applications. From there I of course applied for all the positions that I felt suited to (I still have a bunch to go, 4 tabs in my web browser with jobs I'm going to apply for alone). There's a decent variety, and I'm feeling pretty confident in particular about the library job I applied for, so hopefully I hear back about that. I'm thinking I should start ringing places back that I've already applied for work at, but I didn't get around to it today, so maybe I'll leave that until Monday when the shops are less busy so that perhaps I have a lower chance of annoying some poor shop attendant trying to deal with a bunch of customers at the same time as dealing with me demanding an update :3. I'm also going to go on a bus at some point and visit another big shopping center nearby that is about as big as the old one I used to live near which was fairly big, handing out resumes left and right. So I did that for quite a while, and then got ready to go out because my brother discovered a gig was being played at a predominantly electro bar in the city, by a DJ we both like. So we headed out a few hours before it started and met up with some of my brothers friends in the area who were grabbing food and sat with them and chatted. I didn't talk much unless people asked me stuff but it was nice and friendly, I didn't feel under pressure to say anything. We then went to a really quiet bar and just had like 1 drink each and continued chatting. We ended up just talkin about whatever for about 2+ hours. Then we headed to the place for the DJ set. $5 dollar entry fee got us up to the area and it was an awesomely set out bar, plenty of cushiony seating areas, a well placed dancefloor with some hot lighting for the DJ booth, while the bar had the spirits laid out easy to see and it was never a long wait to get a drink. That said, we were there for about 4 hours and I only had 1 Gin'n'Tonic and 1 Redbull + Vodka, supplemented with 3 glasses of water. A very healthy mix as far as drinking out goes. There were 5 DJ groups tonight (some were pairs playing, some just a single DJ), and we stayed for 4 of them, and the first guy was a great warmup act, got me moving around on the dance floor with my brother a bit. Then the second DJ came on and holy shit he went off! I was dancing like a maniac it was crazy! Sadly, the third DJ was a bit of a flop, he absolutely killed the dancefloor at one stage just coz he played pretty boring generic drum'n'bass music while the other guys were playing much more interesting liquid drum'n'bass and hard drum'n'bass, but it did mean I got to take a break from dancing for about an hour. My legs were pretty sore from the first chunk of dancing. Then the headline act came on, 2 well known DJs that I love, Shock One and Phetsta, and they were fucking awesome from the moment they got behind the booth, I danced and danced and kept dancing and only stopped because the dubstep that they switched to got a bit eh so when my brother asked if I wanted to go I decided yeah probably a good time to go. Back home now, I'm sore as hell lol but it was so worth it, such a work out and so much fun. I didn't feel like a doofus waving my arms around at all because practically everyone else there was dancing in much the same way and having a blast, so I fit in perfectly. I only have a slight ringing in my ears too because I had earplugs in so it'll go away by the time I'm awake tomorrow, otherwise I'd probably have bad hearing for days lol. I had a really good time tonight overall, it was an experience that I wish I could share with all my friends but they're either not into going out to these kinds of places, or they're not into this kind of music, so I'll just settle for telling you guys about it on here :3 And thank-you again, all of you, for your continued support of me
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Post by putter65 on Apr 15, 2011 15:20:19 GMT -5
Hi - Thanks for your kind words. I like my diary thing on here because people don't tend to post much. I did a similar thing on this other website and people were forever asking me questions and debating this and that and wanting to know why I was ignoring them. It got so out of hand, I asked the moderator to close it. It ran for 54 pages, it was a monster.
People on that website were telling me to forget about this woman. Stop all contact. I don't understand that because I don't have many friends as it is. If I'm happy that this woman see's me as casual friend then I will continue. I feel alot better about it now than a month ago, that was terrible. The golf date we had, while I enjoyed it very much, the next week after was torture because she sort of disapeared and I was so unsure how to act. It was like it was a tease of sorts - this is what's it's like to spend time with her and this is all your going to get. She disapeared and I thought I had done something wrong and I didn't want to ask. In the end I don't think I did anything wrong and she probably was busy.
The guy she is with, they must have spilt up 3 times since I've known her. One time at work last September he came to see her and she walked into the canteen crying and I was in there. I remember saying a few words but I wasn't into her so much then. She has discussed him with me saying 'they don't get on' or 'they have split up again' - I have no idea what she thinks (if anything) about me. They did seem genuine warmth from her. However much I tried to dismiss it as wishfull thinking, she did seem fond of me. There are alot of questions such as - why she wanted to hang about with me on the golf course when I'd asked her out and she had said 'no' - wasn't that asking for trouble on her part ? Giving me ideas ? I don't think I'll ever get the answers. Anyway I'm rambling.
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Post by geekguy on Apr 19, 2011 9:42:35 GMT -5
So, today I had the psychologist appointment.
I don't feel like doing a long drawn out explanation of all the things we went into, but basically, I went in and sorted out paperwork for starters. We began by her simply explaining stuff about how she operates with clients, and then moving onto asking me to summarise what I feel my problem is that has led to my depression in one sentence.
My sentence was "I feel like I have no direction or drive, and that I am incapable of doing anything."
So we examined that a bit, which led to me talking about my work history, education history, job-hunting failures for 3D animation, my financial situation etc. The discussion led her to running me through an anxiety checklist of sorts and questions about anxiety because of some times where I have felt anxious in social situations, but the end conclusion (which I felt was accurate) is that I don't have any anxiety disorder. That's nice to know, one less thing to deal with.
The discussion kept going through all things such as bullies I've faced, responsibilities at home, my relationship with my brother, girl issues etc. Some of these issues we looked at in a bit of depth, but in most cases she was just getting a general idea as I touched on things that I felt were of importance to me, or had affected me, things in my life that all add up to the resulting state of mind that I find myself in now.
I can't remember all of what we talked about, but her conclusion at the end, just at a glance of what she'd heard me talking about and my mannerisms and such, was that I did indeed have some kind of major depressive disorder, and that I might even have a mild social phobia. I find the idea that I may have a social phobia interesting but am definitely feeling that even if I did have one, mild is definitely the correct level for it. Anything higher than that would be me just lying as far as I'm concerned.
So that cost me 150 bucks for the session but once I get refunded through the healthcare here it will only have cost me 30 overall for the session. We also made the next appointment two weeks from now so next time I go, we'll start looking at strategies to deal with past and future experiences, things like that, as well as exploring some of my past and present in more depth.
Overall, I'm pretty satisfied with the whole experience, and feel that this psychologist is quite an intelligent person, capable of helping me with my problems.
After that, I headed home and soon after, me and my brother went out to my Dad's place for dinner (we have a step-dad at home, mum re-married). Dad has a Vietnamese family now that consists of his wife, and a few children (not blood related though). It was a very strange experience, because they didn't speak english very well so there was that barrier to communication, but it was nice to see Dad again after almost 2 years. He's doing pretty well for himself, with trading on the stock market and doing his boiler-making job. The kids, who are not much younger than me, were very interested in me since they'd never met me before (and they were all smaller than me lol).
It's hard to find common ground to relate to each other on, but I hope I can keep seeing my Dad and keeping some form of communication going with him.
Also I've started on that job that my friend brought me in to get me to do the other day, and it's not been that hard so far, I only worked on it for a few hours and he's already pretty happy with what I've shown him so far. If I spend a lot of time on it tomorrow, I think I might be able to knock out a basic draft for the new building that needs attention, as well as refining the plans that I'm currently working on. If I can knock those two out of the way quickly enough, then I can move onto the plans for the Quarry (which is a much bigger task) and actually get started on them ahead of time so I can put together that plan as accurately as possible. My friend wants to call me tomorrow so he can arrange a meeting for me and one of the office ladies so that we can go over what needs to be improved on Thursday. I might end up going around and buying some more formal clothing, I might not, we'll see (he definitely wants me to get more formal clothing though... I just see it as a whole lot of wankery really!).
For tonight though, I think I'll just play some games, read, talk to people on msn. I need some relaxing time, the next few days could be hectic, with my brother being invited out to a karaoke bar and telling me I can come with him if I want (so I'll almost definitely go), and another party possibly being held the day after that at a friends house. Then after that he's taking me camping with him to an outback party area where everyone sets up a bunch of dancefloors and DJ areas out in the woods and everyone parties lol. I could be quite dead by the end of all this!
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