GG's daily daily

[Karen]

Really glad the 3D work is going better then you expected! ;D
Glad the meeting with your bio dad went well too, family stuff can be stressful sometimes

[geekguy]

yeah it was quite relaxed, for the most part :3

but right now,

hooooooooooooooooly crap I'm bored.

bored bored bored bored bored

I am bored

I am SO bored

I have work to do, the thing for my friend (it's actually not 2D work, but he hired me because I'm a 3D guy and it was originally made in a 3D program, god knows why. I'm doing it all in photoshop). I'm not finished yet, I know I should be working on it, getting as much done as possible, but I'm just SO bored.

It's not even hard (the bit I'm doing at the moment anyway. I've found satellite imagery of the quarry which is very accurate so I have brought it into photoshop and am painting over the road areas so that I can just have a very simple map rather than having all the trees and shit in the way. It's not difficult, it just takes a bit of concentration and steady-ness of hand (or just mashing it out and hitting undo a lot until it works) but holy crap

It's just so boring!

I can't buy any new games to play because I have no money. I can't play any of my old games because I'm bored of them

Resident Evil 4/5 - passed them both, bored of them

Super Street Fighter 4 - stick makes a lot of noise, parents sleeping.

Guitar hero - same thing but im bored of the current one anyway

Halo Reach - fucking halo, so boring now.

Monday Night combat - not enough people playing, its getting boring roflstomping people into the ground as sniper every game that my team isn't utterly bad (it happens and I facepalm at it).

and so on and so forth.

Portal 2 is out, I could get that except I have no goddamn money to do so. There are a whole bunch of games I want to get actually, none come to mind (forever bad at giving examples when I need to) but I know they are around.

Hell, I wouldn't mind going and seeing whats going on at the bars/clubs in Perth, but I have no money to do so.

There's nothing to do locally at this time of night.

I could go walking, but what would I see? Also I don't feel like putting myself at risk of people mugging me or something.

I cannot try to re-learn any real guitar stuff, because the guitar's strings have been broken for a very long time. One day I'll get new strings (and learn to string a guitar).

My bro is just hanging out organising the parties he's doing when he goes back to Melbourne, buying music online etc. He's kinda bored too, I can tell.

I've seen all the movies worth seeing in our cabinet. I pulled out Gladiator from the back but I just can't be bothered watching it again.

I sms'd someone but they don't have credit, and there's no one else who I would just chat to at this time of night and out of the blue.

All is silent on Facebook.

I feel too crummy to draw or do any 3D stuff. my mood towards that sort of thing hasn't been positive for months.

I've been on all my usual sites already, am pretty much up to date with my manga and webcomics.

The only thing keeping me entertained is that I'm listening to some good music right now. As of writing this, current song is Contour by Helsinki Sunshine, very cruisy and jazzy drum'n'bass song.

My brother actually reckons that if I wanted to, I should jump into making and mixing my own music and sets, become a DJ basically. I've entertained the notion in the past but the idea of getting up and playing in front of tons of people all the time is super daunting. I'd prefer to be the guy that simply makes the tracks and then lets a DJ play them to the people. I much prefer entertaining the thought of being one of the "behind-the-scenes" guys.

Maybe I could do that, maybe not, I dunno. Funnily enough though, whether or not I can do it, doesn't really matter right now because I'm too bored to open up one of the programs I have for music creation and have a go at it.

At least I got to eat some chocolate today. We never end up making it to easter holidays without eating some of our chocolate beforehand, which is fine by me. I think easter is silly anyway and probably not helping anyone's efforts to maintain healthy eating habits :3

[geekguy]

ho humm ho humm what to write

as a forewarning, I have been drinking prior to typing this. I don't make a tonne of typing errors when I'm drunk typing, I just talk nonsensical bullshit sometimes lol...

Anyway, today was ok, went in to see my friend for a meeting at his workplace to discuss the work I'm doing for him, and that went really really well, I don't really know why but it did, and so he took me out to the quarry, and we ended up just talking about video-games (specifically portal 2) the whole car ride lol. So it was pretty relaxed, I got some important information I needed out of the whole thing, and overall, positive experience (we also went and had lunch after, that was nice).

So then I went to my friends house and checked out what he was doing. There are a few interesting things to sort of note here about this.

Firstly, my friends have recently started playing World of Warcraft again, getting into the new expansion pack: Cataclysm. My friend who I visited today, was simply using some free time on his account given to him by Blizzard, while 2 of my other friends are once again paying for playtime just like the old days when I also played. I'm very apprehensive about the whole thing, because WoW, for all its good experiences, sucked a lot of time out of my life, and I really don't want to end up in another situation where the game simply controls my life. WoW is a game like no other, where it simply becomes a driving force in your life, a priority that shouldn't even BE a priority, and because of this, it is entirely possible to lose connections with the people around you.

However people have met the love of their life through this game, they've made friends, they've had great experiences, they've excelled in ways they never though possible (trust me, being the raid leader for a group of 25 people, where you must set up and make sure everyone knows what they're doing, tanks, healers, and damage, including specific boss mechanics and the like, is not easy! but it's very rewarding to get it right).

Another difficulty I have is that, if I were to play again, the people I know who play are spread out like this:
Server A) 3 of my RL friends (the ones who recently started playing again)
Server B) 1 of my RL friends (my best mate, who is simply on the free time for now).
Server C) My pvp buddy from Tasmania who I've never known in person but he has been a bro to me throughout my WoW time.
Server D) One of the guys I worked at the bar with plays on this server and is part of a great guild full of diverse people.

So, even if I'm to entertain the thought of going back, where do I even play? It's hard enough to dedicate yourself to playing with your friends on a single server, yet I have friends across FOUR servers, so in order to play with ALL of them I'd need to have at least 1 character being played on EACH server, so a minimum of FOUR characters being played at various times n such. It's just such a headache. It'd be so much easier if everyone played on the same server because then it would be a non-issue!

so there's that...

Then there's the other thing that is interesting to note, this friend I visited is the older brother of the girl I like. Yes you heard me, I like my friends sister (some of you probably know this already but for those that don't...). My friend is so laid back though (like me) that he would in fact be happy if she and I got together because he trusts me like no one else.

Now, this is the same girl, that changed her facebook status to "in a relationship" a few weeks ago and made me feel quite heartbroken as a result. However, I've found out in the 2 weeks since then, that she stopped going out with the guy because she didn't like him. Since then I've been facebook messaging her a bit and it seems like she responds well to me, and I exchanged phone numbers with her on there, so things seem positive in that regard.

It's still somewhat hard and strange to talk to her when I see her simply around the place though when I visit coz I'll be hanging out with my friend doing whatever usually on the computer for whatever reason (video games or anime or something). Even when I visited today, I only really said hello, but we caught each others eye a lot which was curious. I won't read too much into it but anyway, I ended up texting her a little tonight while I was drinking with my brother and my brothers friends. I went out on a limb a little to try to get to know her and she seemed to respond really well to that, so we'll see where things will go from here and if it goes positive or not.

So as far as my drinking session tonight goes, it went alright. I didn't like the place we went to, they played cover songs of your standard rock fare and it was hard to have a conversation with anyone due to the noise level but we persevered and had a bit of fun. I didn't pressure myself to be sociable or to try and talk to girls or anything (like my friends usually do try and pressure me to talk to lots of girls which is REALLY annoying) and I had a good time overall. The drinks were nice too, lots of cocktails with Gin and Malibu in them :3

There's no point to anything I've written here (I don't think there's supposed to be a point to any of this? ) except that I guess sometimes, things go better than you might think? I'm not sure really like, these days, I often almost feel like an imposter being on this board. After all, it's a board for shy people, and right now, I'm not feeling particularly shy. However I do still have my times where I will have a very hard time trying to approach a group/social situation and I will always seem to have my love-shyness until I break through that somehow. So I hope you guys can forgive me if I've put off anyone through any of my past posts, this one included.

I'm just starting to ramble now, I might just eat some chocolate and go to bed (we never make it to easter sunday in this house lol...)

[geekguy]

Well, life goes on. Time is passing without much happening. It's times like these I wish I had a fast-forward button (like in the movie Click, but without the negatives of the remote).

Pretty much nothing happened today. I got up, had breakfast, had a shower, played games, organised a few things for this weekend, and played more games. We were supposed to be going to one of my brother's friend's party, but it never ended up happening, so instead we have a boring night at home to look forward to.

I felt really fatigued for pretty much the entire day. Every movement was an enormous effort most of the time, but thankfully it seems to have mostly passed now. I tried to take a nap but I can rarely ever nap, even if I'm as tired as I was, my brain will never shut up, ever. It's a wonder I get any sleep at all with the way my brain just goes and goes and goes and goes and goes.........

Once again, I got quizzed a bit, this time just by my brother, about what I want to do with myself (though it merely started off with him asking me if I had any interest in programming). As normal, I have no answers for anyone, because I simply do not know what I want to do that isn't simply this short list of things.

Behold, my life goals;
1) Own a small 1 bedroom apartment
2) Have a stable job
3) Play video games and build up collection of alcoholic spirits.

... that's it. That's pretty much all I want out of life anymore, the chance to simply have my own little piece of the world to myself, where I can make use of it however I like, playing video games as much as I want and never having to be disturbed by anyone.

I remember when a part of me was really passionately wanting to get into the video-game industry. I was in high-school and I simply said "I want to work with video-games" and that was it, I would not budge, and so I tried to get involved by doing 3D animation, but it has simply led nowhere. All that has happened is that I've ended up very disappointed in both where I live and myself (not to mention I still owe my parents $11 000 Australian.)

I've never really had a passion for anything else. Sure, I really enjoy listening to the music I listen to, but that's not something im PASSIONATE about, I simply know what I like to listen to. I'm not passionate about helping those that are worse off than myself (mainly things such as the homeless, the starving kids in africa etc), I'm not passionate about animals, I don't care enough about the environment to go be a nature warrior, I'm not passionate about fighting crime, putting out fires, or saving lives.

I seriously cannot think of anything I have had or do have a passion for. Not even when I was in highschool playing musical instruments, I simply enjoyed playing them from time to time (but I didn't practice much, too busy playing video games).

So when I get people trying to help me figure out what I can do, what courses I might be able to take, what things I might be good at, I find myself in what feels like a pointless situation. Typically the other person gets frustrated and gives up because I simply cannot offer anything back to them. They can suggest things all they want, nothing clicks, nothing is anything that I am capable of doing, nothing is helping.

It's not helping me at all either that I haven't had any responses to any of the resumes I handed out in person about a week and a half ago, and of the online submissions, I've only had 1 response, and that was a response telling me that I didn't have the "Clerical Experience" they were looking for for the position advertised. As if I need to be a certified clerical connosieur to type stuff into a database... ridiculous...

I wish I could just go back and see my psychologist for my next session already, but no... I have to wait until the 3rd of May...

At least tomorrow should be fun. I will be going down south with my brother in the car to an outdoor rave party in the bush somewhere. It will start tomorrow and end on sunday so we will be camping there overnight. I've never been camping before so I wonder how I will go being away from technology lol... They will be playing lots of drum'n'bass, trance, psy-trance, house, and electro house, possibly with some dubstep too, so it should be fun. Maybe when I'm out in the woods away from everything, I might be able to have a good long uninterrupted think about everything and maybe figure some things out. I don't have my hopes up though.

EDIT: Actually I have something to add to this entry -

There is ONE thing that I actually do think about doing fairly regularly. However I don't believe it to be a financially viable option. I've often thought about becoming a fiction author, writing novels. I often come up with story ideas, quite often actually, just the other day I had another one which while I haven't written down, still sticks very strongly in my mind (in fact it didn't originate just from thinking, it originated from a dream that I still vividly remember, and I dreamt it a couple of days ago). The story idea is sort of like if Skyline had plot LOL (I won't go into it though coz it'll spoil the movie for anyone who still wants to watch it).

Some of my previous ideas were things such as;
- A young man finds himself at a loss for what to do in his life, leading a dreary existence, surrounded by everyone else's successes but having none of his own. One day, while he is at a low point in his mind, he flickers into another plane of existence, a grey world where he can find comfort in the serene atmosphere where nothing is expected of him and nothing holds him down.
- A highschool boy is one day confessed to by a girl he likes, this causes him to "break" however, leading to his self-discovery that he is in fact not human, but an AI unit!
- (this one was sort of for a video game story idea) Anime and manga obsessed kid one day spots a girl in a very elaborate costume (he thinks she's cosplaying) and decides to follow her, since no one else seems to notice that she is there. She eventually notices he is following her and realizes/declares that he is the hero she has been searching for and whisks him through some kind of interdimensionary travel portal to a land of crystal-technology.

These are just premises of course, I have written up detailed notes for each of these when they've come to me, all stored in various spots on my computer or on paper, but I've never done anything with them. I wonder if it's time I started to try writing something. I've never actually tried to write anything beyond a short story before, and my short story writing experience is limited to what I did from primary-high school. My stories always got really high marks though and my year 12 english teacher was quite taken aback by a 2 page story I wrote for one of the exercises, involving a psychedelic trip into the mind of a kid in my exact position where creativity must suddenly be forced/reigned in and put to work. I wonder if I still have that paper anywhere...

Food for thought anyway.

[geekguy]

Lol, I'm back from the bush doof camp thing, it was pretty awesome overall with some interesting moments. We ended up staying a day extra than we planned because it was fun fun. The music overall that they played was a mix of psy-trance, trance, progressive tech, dubstep, and electro house which my brother played a set of at the beginning of the first day and at the end of the second night.

It was a real interesting experience being around so many people who just wanted to come out, dance, drink a bit, play with stuff like hoola hoops and devil sticks to the music (one guy had a unicycle lol). I only got a little bit sunburnt too which was good.

Our food consisted of Hot Cross buns, big flavoured bread twists (Sweet chilli nom nom nom), Yoghurt bars, Chocolate blocks, Up & Go packs, as well as some Ginger Beer and Pipsqueak cider to drink (we also had a whole lot of water of course.

The only thing that sucked really was that I got kinda bummed out for a while and I could tell it was a wave from my depression because it just came out of nowhere for no reason when things were going fine. Really annoying. Also we couldn't secure a tent so we slept in the car, meaning I didn't get much sleep over the 2 nights. I immediately had a 4 hour nap when I got home lol.

I got some video footage of myself playing with the devil sticks too that I'll upload at some point.

Such an interesting experience, being away from technology for so long. It gave me time to think about some stuff anyway, and while I haven't had any grand eye-opening realizations about what I should do or anything like that, I've decided that:
1) I wouldn't mind having a go at writing a story/novel.
2) If I can get my brother to help me wrap my head around music producing software, I would love to try my hand at making some good dub-step music
3) I really want to get my shit sorted so I can go to Melbourne, but it will be a shame to leave everyone in Perth behind, including the girl </3

That's a ways off though, we'll see what happens. Right now I'm quite tired and would like to sleep but I'm going to finish uploading photos and video to facebook and then I'm gonna go to bed.

[missklew]

I didn't realize you were in Perth. Where did you go camping at? Is it far from Perth?

ps I'm in Perth

[geekguy]

Woops, I haven't posted in ages, my bad :S

missklew - yay another perthie I'd be hard pressed to pinpoint the exact spot we setup but the directions we followed told us to go down Brookton Highway going south-east from the city for about 50km before turning down a few smaller roads and dirt trails. I tried to get a google maps link onto here of the exact location but I can't figure it out lol.

So what have I been up to since I last posted?

Well, a few things have and haven't happened. I'll start with talking about World of Warcraft for a bit. Basically, I hadn't played in a good 6 months approximately, and that was fine by me, I'd gotten plenty bored of doing all the old content anyway, but now the new expansion Cataclysm is out, and 2 of my friends have started playing again. They eventually pestered me enough to make a character again on their server so I finally gave in a few days ago and got my 10 day free Cataclysm trial onto my account.

And so far I'm having an absolute blast. I've gone one of the new races, a Horde Goblin, and am playing as a Hunter, Survival specialisation, and it is way more fun to play a hunter than I remember. They completely revamped how hunters work, changing their resource from Mana to Focus, which has a maximum of 100 and recharges on its own, however some of the hunter shots are used to replenish focus quicker, so you can fire off shots that use focus. The damage dealt gets pretty high when you get into a good flow of firing off shots to get back your focus and then shooting out special shots to deal maximum damage.

However I do feel... "dirty" playing wow again, because I remember I swore off it last time I quit, simply because it is such a time sink. The thing is, I actually love the game, it is a fun game and I am good at it (sorry if that sounds arrogant but its not like I said I was the best at it ), good enough that even after months of not playing, I can jump into a Player vs Player battleground and come out with the highest killing blows and damage dealt, even when I'm not the maximum level for a battleground. I'm making ridiculous amounts of gold on the auctionhouse again (well not totally ridiculous but if I tried I reckon I could do it), and I'm well on my way to level 85. I'm currently level 67 and the only thing that has sucked about the game part of playing wow again is that while Blizzard improved the level 1-60 leveling experience and have done a great job with the level 80-85 leveling zones, the level 60 - 70 leveling (from the expansion Burning Crusade) and the level 70 - 80 leveling (from the expansion Wrath of the Lich King) are the same as they've always been, so I know the content like the back of my hand and it just doesn't flow as well as the revamped and new stuff. If blizzard would simply take a few of their improved features that are all over the revamped stuff and apply it to the 60-80 leveling bracket, it would make the experience way waaaaaaaaaay better. Even so, I will persevere and stomp through the levels rather quickly.

Of course though, wow is such a time-sink, that it just makes days seem to disappear sometimes. However, while people always say wow is a time sink, thats what most games end up being for me anyway. I can have a day where I play nothing but monday night combat for hours and hours, yet you'll never get people saying "he's got a monday night combat habit." However, if you play WoW for the same amount of time, people will say that you have a problem and need an intervention. Seems strange to me, but overall, WoW isn't too bad if you have GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT, and that is something I'm kind of failing at at the moment lol. To my credit though, I haven't played all day today, I had the psychologist appointment to go to, and then I went and did birthday shopping afterwards and visited my friend to watch some anime and such.

That's enough on wow for now (but if people have questions about it, feel free to ask because I'm a wealth of knowledge on the subject, having played since months and months before the first expansion came out).

I've also applied to a few more jobs around the place. I applied to the nightfill position at a supermarket nearby, I applied to a hotel, I tried to apply for a bottleshop but was told they didn't need anyone and weren't taking resumes, and I tried to apply to a bottleshop/tavern but they said come back in a day or two and ask for Greg (that's what I remember anyway... the name could be wrong ). I still haven't heard back from anywhere yet but I went and checked in at the video rental store I applied to and they said to come and check in with the manager soon since they just got back from a small holiday, so I'm going to do that. I'm still feeling pretty shitty about my job prospects but I'm having a go at it and that's sort of what counts. I still haven't really had much thought about if I want to study for anything either, or if I want to make more of an effort to get into the 3D work again, I just can't think straight about it it seems...

So I've also had my second psychologist appointment, and I definitely feel its worth the money I'm spending. We went through a bunch of stuff today about how my struggles with jobs/occupations is playing on my mind, so I think I need to take on board what she is telling me about that. Also I touched some more on what is going on when I'm trying to talk to new people, and she went through it with me and reassured me that what is happening to me is actually quite normal, and that some of the conversational issues will be able to be dealt with simply through practice and perseverence. After reading a list I made for her, she wants to go through my family life next week (thats another thing, I asked her if we could change to weekly appointments rather than fortnightly and that was ok).

So I'm feeling pretty decent about the whole seeing a psychologist thing. It definitely feels like it has potential. More updates as they happen.

Oh and, the girl I like is having her birthday tomorrow, but I know I can't make it to her place to say happy birthday to her on the day so I went out shopping today for her present (which I had already figured out so it wasn't a last minute thing), and then went straight up to visit my friend so I could give it to her early. When she popped in to his room to say hi to us, I whipped the present out and gave it to her and she was actually speechless for a bit, before thanking me a bunch. It was so cute I wanted to hug her :3 I'm taking things reeeeeeeeally reeeeeeeally slow with her, since I really just want to get to know her first and foremost, I don't want to rush into anything too unexpectedly.

Oh and while I was getting her present, I picked up 2 albums for myself, Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites by Skrillex, and Endgame by Rise Against. Quality listening in both camps.

I figured out what to get my mum for mothers day, she's going to love her new pair of slippers when I get them for her :3

hmm what else have I missed... I can't think of anything right now, but if I do I'll update this post.

Overall mood - Slightly elated (with a brief spike into Extremely Elated when I gave the girl her present :3)

[geekguy]

just... bleh...

There's no real reason for me to feel so down... oh, except that I'm still getting nowhere with this fucking job-search bullshit. I swear I'm so over this now, asking for the manager, handing them my resume, letting them know that I live close-by, I will be available whenever they need me, I CAN DO WHATEVER THEY NEED TO BE DONE, but STILL, no one will HIRE ME! I can't even get a job as a fucking shelf-stacker for christ sakes!

Is there something wrong with me? Am I overqualified? Under-qualified? Not out-going enough? Do I not have a good enough handshake? Am I avoiding eye-contact too much? Am I making TOO MUCH Eye contact? Is my resume no good? Do I need to go and study at a TAFE course to get certificates 1 through 10 of handling a fucking cash register before people will think of having me work for them? Do I need to go and train in some other glass carrying skill before I can work at a bar again DESPITE MY PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE AND VERY POSITIVE REFERENCE?

Nobody will tell me and I can't figure it out so I can't get anywhere as a result. I'm stuck in a cycle of applying to places and watching my inbox hoping for some replies. Hell, I've gone back and visited some of the places I applied to and still nothing. This is so utterly frustrating! I just want to be making a bit of money so that I can pay my way through things, so I can pay a little bit of rent to my parents so I'm not a total leech on them, so I can actually go out and do things if I want to, so that maybe I can move to Melbourne and actually pursue the life I want... whatever the hell that is, I'm still trying to figure that out.

Just so frustrated now, like more than I have ever been in my life. It sucks so much being so far away from everyone I know so that I never see anyone anymore. I've barely been outside the house the past week beyond going out and handing out resumes. I do that, I come home, and I go back to being on the computer playing games and stuff. Such a boring, pointless existence where I'm making absolutely nothing of myself. "Such great potential" they told me all those years ago. Nice to see that I'm using it well eh guys.

My World of Warcraft Trial has run out too for the new expansion. Before that happened, I got my Goblin Hunter to level 80 and was continueing to play but then my experience capped at 1xp away from leveling to 81, so the trial is actually limiting in that you can play with the new races, see the revamped old content, and go into the new level 80+ zones, but you cannot actually level beyond level 80 without actually buying the new expansion, which seems a bit off since its supposed to be a TRIAL. How am I supposed to TRIAL your highest leveling content if your TRIAL cuts me off when I GET to the end of the old stuff. Where the hell is the point in that? Or did you maybe not expect that someone would ACTUALLY get a character from level 1 to 80 within the 10 days? (hell, I would've gotten to level 80 a few days earlier if I wasn't spending any time leveling my characters herbalism or mining skills, or first aid, or archaeology, or making enough gold on the auction-house to buy the highest level of flight skill in the game (4000 for epic flying, 400 for azeroth license, 400 for cold weather flying, 4000 more for master flying, and I was spending gold on my hunter moves such along the way)). You under-estimate the capabilities of your hardcore audience Blizzard :3

But now I am indeed conflicted as to whether it really is in my best interests to pick up the expansion and continue my adventures or not. My friends sure want me to, they were god-damned impressed with my levelling efforts, but I know that logically, WoW is a massive waste of time designed purely to take up as much of your time as possible grinding out dungeons, professions, gold, raids, pvp etc. There is no good reason to play, except purely for enjoyment, but it is so good at sucking time away from a persons day that I fear the negative repercussions that it could have on my ability to do anything else. That and, I don't have any money right now (well not much) to play the game. It'll cost me about $90 australian to buy the expansion and 60 days of game time from a pre-paid game card so that I can keep playing and I only have about 600 left, 150 of which I have to keep aside every week for the psychologist appointments so that I can pay for them (and then get 120 back, so then I need to get out 30 for the next week and so on, slowly draining my savings).

I'm thinking I should wait until I get a job, but who knows how long that will take!!!

Can't wait until monday's psychology meeting, since we have a lot of material to go through now.

It hasn't helped that today, it feels like the girl is being distant with me, though I saw on one of her posts she's simply not having a good day, but it wasn't directed at me and I've tried to talk to her but haven't gotten much in the way of reply. Then I look on her facebook wall and see her being seemingly very chatty with some guy she goes to school with, perhaps even flirty (though I'm bad at recognizing that kind of thing), and the gravity of it all dawns on me: I don't have a chance with this girl. I'm 19 turning 20 this year, she's recently turned 16 (legal age), I'm friends with her brother I went to high-school with, and I really don't know her that well, and I'm supposed to compete with out-going guys who she goes to school with so she sees on a regular basis and is already friends with. I'm just going to end up being that older friend that she has who will talk to her about random things and possibly occasionally hang out with, but it will never go beyond that, she'll think that I'm too old for her and the thing is most people would probably think that too. It doesn't matter that I've fallen hard for this girl, the simple matter of the age gap is going to end up being a massive hindrance. I'm not even trying to rush anything, I want to be her friend FIRST AND FOREMOST, but I can't deny the fact that I do have feelings for her. It just seems so ridiculous and hopeless that I would be cursed into such a situation. It would be so much simpler if I simply wasn't attracted to her in the first place or if she was older...

FML

I really wish I could just speak to some people...

[geekguy]

Haven't posted anything on here for ages, however that's not for any bad reasons really, just haven't had too much to say beyond "played a lot of video games." That is, until the last few weeks.

My job-hunting finally paid off, I landed a job at the local library working as a casual library assistant, and right now I'm getting a lot of hours. Even though I've only done 3 shifts on the service desk, I feel like I've got the hang of it really quickly and can already do all sorts of cool stuff on the computers and extra work that is a bit advanced and usually time consuming. Pays to be quick with computers :3

It's a fun job too, get to meet all sorts of interesting people, and the people I work with are really nice too. I'm one of only 2 guys working there, otherwise I'm surrounded by women, mostly in their mid 20s and older, some of the younger ones being really cute. I am particularly intrigued with the red-head :3

I enjoy it enough that I'll try to get to work early and try to stay back until whatever job I was doing at the time gets finished properly. They seem to really appreciate the extra effort which can only be a good thing for my prospects of more hours in future.

Also, my parents have just gone away on a holiday to America for 3 weeks and my sister is going on a seperate holiday to America on a Kontiki tour (they will be meeting up at some point). So I have the house to myself for 3 weeks . Well... me and the cat . The only bad thing that has happened while they've been gone is that on the first night they were gone the cat decided it'd be nice to throw up on my bed T_T but other than that things are going well, I'm keeping the house (mostly) clean and I have plenty of food to eat. I just need to go get some new bin-bags tomorrow coz I've run out .

I'm still playing a lot of video games, still generally the same as ever but now I'm getting some pay and feeling really good about being out and about doing work around nice people. The psychologist is on holiday for a while so I won't be seeing her again until the end of this month lol. Oh well. I'm on anti-depressants now and they are helping quite a bit with my mood in general. I can feel the depression come surging back if I accidentally miss a couple of days so I keep on top of it.

So uh yeah, good times I guess?

[Grayback]

I'm glad for you that your life is going better geekguy and congratulations on finding a job .
I guess all I can wish for you now is that things will continue to improve and that many more good events will happen to you in the future.

[geekguy]

hmm... I feel quite bummed out all of a sudden. There's no real reason for me to feel this way, nothing really bad has happened, though I guess things could be better, but I'm certainly not in a terrible position right now.

I haven't been getting many shifts from the library lately. I was getting regular shifts up until the start of this week, but this week I've only had the one shift and that was on Monday. I've looked at the roster from now until the 20th of august and between now and then I only have 4 shifts which sucks. I've been really enjoying my time working at the library, and I really WANT to go and work more, (and not just because I'm getting paid!) I'm really enjoying simply going to work and being productive each day. At least I was... til my hours got cut down. This whole week that I haven't had any shifts I've barely been outside the house, only going out on thursday to sort out my sisters birthday present, which took about 30 minutes and then I was back home again. So yeah, that sucks I guess.

And then there's my parents being back from America. They went on holiday to the states for 3 weeks and now they are back. They've been home for just over a week and I wish they were gone again. They drive me absolutely nuts with their... disgusting tendency to crack the biggest tantrums over the smallest things. It's like holy shit guys, just relax ok... I simply cannot understand how they can be so highly strung about things that DONT MATTER AT ALL. And then it has the ironic effect of majorly pissing me off because its just SO INSIGNIFICANT, yet SUCH A HUGE DEAL IS MADE that I simply cannot ignore it. It is immensely retarded and I wish they'd both f*** off back to the states indefinitely.

Thanks to my renewed income and the massive sale of video games on Steam, I've been buying a lot of new video games (but not spending much money, since everything has INSANE price-cuts, I picked up all the Grand Theft Auto 4 content the other day, full game and everything, including the liberty city episodes for EIGHT BUCKS!). This has been helping me immensely as I've not been bored with what I've got.

However, I feel kinda lonely. I haven't seen any of my friends in weeks, and I keep not being online at the same time as people I want to talk to on msn, so that is bringing me down. And I guess not being around the girls at work since I have no shifts has not been helping in that regard either...

le sigh...

[geekguy]

I will win, gods be damned

[geekguy]

I won't type too long, the main reason I'm still awake at the moment is because a girl I work with and like posted back and forth a little with me on facebook and I'm waiting to see if she replies to me again. I'd quite like to go to bed to read though :3

To sum up how things have been with me lately though, it's like something has just snapped inside me. Something broke, like a battering ram through a garrison gate (I'm reading a whole lot of fantasy lately). Whatever snapped though has done me a world of good the last few days. I've gone from:
- Single casual job
- Unable to decide on study courses
- Gloomy
- Tired

To:
- Casual job, resumes handed out to a bunch of places, Trial shift at a kitchen at a hotel as a cook (apparently its pretty basic stuff because I was surprised at them trying to give me a cook experience when I said I couldn't cook lol)
- Decision made about courses; Doing a Cert 3 in Financial Services (Accounts Clerical), which lasts 6 months from RIGHT NOW and if I think I'm going in a good direction with it at the end, I'll enroll in the next one, Diploma of Financial Services (banking). If I don't think its going in a good direction, I'll enroll in the Diploma of Information/Library Services. But the point is, I HAVE enrolled, I start on monday.
- Pretty upbeat about stuff. More friendly with folks, folks are relieved to see me doing well. They're really happy with what I'm doing.
- I have more energy (this is partly due to sleeping at more appropriate hours).

So uh yeah. I'm also looking at getting new Learner plates for the car so I can finally learn to drive, something I've neglected for the longest time. I wanted to try to see if I could be a Police Auxillery Officer, one of the police who does most of the behind the scenes paperwork type business essential for the force to keep running, but found the qualifications required still need you to have a drivers license. This annoyed me greatly and seems to have finally spurred me forward.

The only real thing I'm not liking about all this is that I'm worried that I'll end up wasting my time with these courses and that I'll end up back where I started. Seems like silly thoughts to me though, and I try not to think about them. My Psychologist clearly identified with me that when I'm making decisions, I need to not worry so much about what MIGHT happen, or I'll paralyse myself and never move forwards ever. I think she's right.

Also as far as girls go lately, my heart is in too many places for my liking right now. I have feelings for too many girls, though most of them do not know it, and I'm not the kind to try and have a romantic relationship with them all at once. I'm not hurting or anything as a result of this, I just don't like it, mainly because I don't know how to handle it.

Overall though, a positive update I suppose. I look forward to seeing how the next few weeks goes. I also hope I can keep my library job amongst all of these changes.

[lostmyself]

It's great things are picking up for you. Even if your course didn't work out, you will have tried and can move on to something else, it won't have been a waste of time. I do hope it all works out for you though. The main thing is you're trying.

[geekguy]

Update: So I went through with that trial shift in the kitchen at a hotel, and it actually went pretty damn good and they gave me the job on a probation period of 3 months (as all these kinda places do with new staff). I've now done 2 actual shifts, one on Friday from 5pm-11pm and one on Saturday from 3pm - 12:45am. On my first shift I was still pretty nervous, especially when I finished up working the kitchen and was taken out to the bar to learn about serving people booze. However, I was much more calm for my saturday shift, despite having a lot of ideas in my head about how much I was going to suck, I pulled it off immensely well. I cooked, I washed, I swept, and then I poured beer like a boss :3 They were also doing this Battle of the Bands competition and that was interesting to listen to. So uh yeah, I'm happily going to continue with this hotel job, and hopefully learn a whole lot of stuff...

...and as a bonus, there are many cute girls working here :3