Post by anonomie on Apr 27, 2011 4:45:06 GMT -5
The short of it: My favorite aunt died. She is survived by a deaf daughter. Our family has an abuse history that started w/ my grandpa and as such, my aunts, uncles, cousins...we've had this wierd approach/avoidance relationship and aren't as close as we should or could be. We all acknowledge it and vent about it EVERY time we meet (usually only major holidays or a crisis). But...year after year, we just "go our separate ways." However, my deaf cousin has perceived it as we were this chummy family who excluded her due to her deafness. So, now that I've started calling/checking up on her/e-mailing to see how she's coping w/ her mom's death she got upset at me today. I guess she got fed up and went off on me. "Why do you care now, you never cared before, etc?!!"
It just really hurts because she doesn't get that I was so shy through out my life and then w/ her deafness it just heightened my social anxiety, even though oddly I felt more connected to her than my other cousins. Maybe cuz I silently "got" how it feels to be on the outside looking in all the time the way that it is when u are deaf. Anyway, I have since LARGELY over come my shyness, but am not totally cured. I just...I had a GREAT day w/ a friend where I was on top of the world, then my cousin went off on me and it just hurts. It hurts because although I've largely moved past my shyness...people still judge me based on my past. They think I'm snobby or mean, boring, etc. and now that I am more outgoing and try to be friendly I still come up against those previous perceptions and I have to work 10 times as hard to connect w/ other people and it's depressing and daunting. The main thing is that I have knicked the primary shyness issues and have taken some sign language classes and can communicate w/ my cousin better, but because of the timing, she is thinking I'm "just doing it" because of her mom's death (((sigh))). By far, the hardest part of shyness...being a good person and never having that recognized or understood..... I knew you guys would so here it is (((sigh)))....
It just really hurts because she doesn't get that I was so shy through out my life and then w/ her deafness it just heightened my social anxiety, even though oddly I felt more connected to her than my other cousins. Maybe cuz I silently "got" how it feels to be on the outside looking in all the time the way that it is when u are deaf. Anyway, I have since LARGELY over come my shyness, but am not totally cured. I just...I had a GREAT day w/ a friend where I was on top of the world, then my cousin went off on me and it just hurts. It hurts because although I've largely moved past my shyness...people still judge me based on my past. They think I'm snobby or mean, boring, etc. and now that I am more outgoing and try to be friendly I still come up against those previous perceptions and I have to work 10 times as hard to connect w/ other people and it's depressing and daunting. The main thing is that I have knicked the primary shyness issues and have taken some sign language classes and can communicate w/ my cousin better, but because of the timing, she is thinking I'm "just doing it" because of her mom's death (((sigh))). By far, the hardest part of shyness...being a good person and never having that recognized or understood..... I knew you guys would so here it is (((sigh)))....