Post by anticrank on Nov 7, 2011 13:37:23 GMT -5
Hello, I just want to give a bit of empathy, hope and encouragement to any guys on here who are really inexperienced with relationships and who maybe doubt their attractiveness as a result. I hope that this helps.
Firstly I think that many shy guys are fed subliminal messages that they somehow have to qualify to be this 'bad-boy' thing. They are given messages that they (shy guys) are not dating material unless they meet standards x,y,z. By that I mean, they're told that they're not masculine enough because they're quiet, they're told they're boring, they're told they have no fun side, they're told that they don't qualify in a myriad of ways.
However, this can be remedied by being with the right group of people and by really questioning the validity of these claims and of standing up to those who try to undermine you.
If the guy concerned has had no previous relationships, or even had someone whom he finds attractive being attracted to him, this can be a double whammy, in that he can get a real sense that he's intrinsically unattractive, that he's not good enough, that he'll never know what to say, that he's intrisically bad with women, that someone liking him for him (who he's attracted to) is as remote a possibility visiting the moon.
He can become convinced on an almost subconscious level that 'it's not possible for any girl I'm attracted to to like me'. That combined with the message described above can really be hope destroying and can be DEVASTATING to self-esteem. It can make one feel that he can't be himself and can make one feel deficient, unwanted and that there's no hope.
If all the above is combined with a lack of genuinely nice girls in one's life, or of being treated like a sideliner, this can 'condition' one to feel that they're unattractive. I believe that this can play a major part in one's nervousness with women. It's a terrible, terrible state to be in.
Many in that boat search the net in hope of reassurance only to find more of those harmful messages in the often horrific advice that also amplifies one's fears.
In reality there are many things that women can be attracted to. If they're the type that view niceness as a sign of weakness you're better off not wasting your time.
One thing I can say about the so-called 'bad-boy' persona is that these guys tend to have personality traits that a lot of women find attractive. Now I'm not going to tell you to try and emulate these type, cause that'll just be hypocritical, but I hope to inspire hope without any pressure to be something you're not.
How do you feel around people you're most comfortable? How are you around them? That's the person you want to be, that's the version of you that's most attractive to the opposite sex. Everyone's got it in them. It's just the bad conditioning, low mood, feelings of self-consciousness from being told that showing nervousness is unacceptable (which is utter bollocks)and the like as well as uncertainties of what to say that's probably stopping you.
One of the things that shy people may struggle with is being assertive. It can only be disadvantageous if you're passive and apologetic in a way. The only things I would say to avoid here are trying to please girls, agree with things they say that you don't agree with or trying to prove yourself. I think that many people who are shy have a tendency to put others on a pedestal. These are some of the only valid points in the bad boy, nice guy thing. If you have trouble with that, don't despair, it's not the end of the world. Always focus on what you do right. Don't let the bastards rub your weaknesses in. Never beat yourself up. These things will get easier when you're in the right circumstances with the right people.
It's possible for a cool, relaxed guy (who's shy) to be way more attractive than someone who's trying to puff their chest out and trying to prove themselves. In fact, there are many women out there that don't like guys who are too forward.
A lot of people have difficulty being assertive and struggle with shyness yet still get girlfriends.
There is a difference between being cocky and confident. Cockiness is that phony, loud bragging facade that people put on out of fear of being disproved. That might get attention in the short term, or from shallow people, but it is not really that attractive, in some cases it WREAKS of insecurity. Some of you reading this might well have more inner confidence than you give yourselves credit for.
Having said all that, when you do actually meet a nice girl that's open, friendly and warm to you, it can have an IMMEDIATE uplifting effects. It seriously can get rid of many of the pre-concieved ideas you may have had RE you own attractiveness.
I hope that this is encouraging.
Firstly I think that many shy guys are fed subliminal messages that they somehow have to qualify to be this 'bad-boy' thing. They are given messages that they (shy guys) are not dating material unless they meet standards x,y,z. By that I mean, they're told that they're not masculine enough because they're quiet, they're told they're boring, they're told they have no fun side, they're told that they don't qualify in a myriad of ways.
However, this can be remedied by being with the right group of people and by really questioning the validity of these claims and of standing up to those who try to undermine you.
If the guy concerned has had no previous relationships, or even had someone whom he finds attractive being attracted to him, this can be a double whammy, in that he can get a real sense that he's intrinsically unattractive, that he's not good enough, that he'll never know what to say, that he's intrisically bad with women, that someone liking him for him (who he's attracted to) is as remote a possibility visiting the moon.
He can become convinced on an almost subconscious level that 'it's not possible for any girl I'm attracted to to like me'. That combined with the message described above can really be hope destroying and can be DEVASTATING to self-esteem. It can make one feel that he can't be himself and can make one feel deficient, unwanted and that there's no hope.
If all the above is combined with a lack of genuinely nice girls in one's life, or of being treated like a sideliner, this can 'condition' one to feel that they're unattractive. I believe that this can play a major part in one's nervousness with women. It's a terrible, terrible state to be in.
Many in that boat search the net in hope of reassurance only to find more of those harmful messages in the often horrific advice that also amplifies one's fears.
In reality there are many things that women can be attracted to. If they're the type that view niceness as a sign of weakness you're better off not wasting your time.
One thing I can say about the so-called 'bad-boy' persona is that these guys tend to have personality traits that a lot of women find attractive. Now I'm not going to tell you to try and emulate these type, cause that'll just be hypocritical, but I hope to inspire hope without any pressure to be something you're not.
How do you feel around people you're most comfortable? How are you around them? That's the person you want to be, that's the version of you that's most attractive to the opposite sex. Everyone's got it in them. It's just the bad conditioning, low mood, feelings of self-consciousness from being told that showing nervousness is unacceptable (which is utter bollocks)and the like as well as uncertainties of what to say that's probably stopping you.
One of the things that shy people may struggle with is being assertive. It can only be disadvantageous if you're passive and apologetic in a way. The only things I would say to avoid here are trying to please girls, agree with things they say that you don't agree with or trying to prove yourself. I think that many people who are shy have a tendency to put others on a pedestal. These are some of the only valid points in the bad boy, nice guy thing. If you have trouble with that, don't despair, it's not the end of the world. Always focus on what you do right. Don't let the bastards rub your weaknesses in. Never beat yourself up. These things will get easier when you're in the right circumstances with the right people.
It's possible for a cool, relaxed guy (who's shy) to be way more attractive than someone who's trying to puff their chest out and trying to prove themselves. In fact, there are many women out there that don't like guys who are too forward.
A lot of people have difficulty being assertive and struggle with shyness yet still get girlfriends.
There is a difference between being cocky and confident. Cockiness is that phony, loud bragging facade that people put on out of fear of being disproved. That might get attention in the short term, or from shallow people, but it is not really that attractive, in some cases it WREAKS of insecurity. Some of you reading this might well have more inner confidence than you give yourselves credit for.
Having said all that, when you do actually meet a nice girl that's open, friendly and warm to you, it can have an IMMEDIATE uplifting effects. It seriously can get rid of many of the pre-concieved ideas you may have had RE you own attractiveness.
I hope that this is encouraging.
