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Post by Zoe on Nov 9, 2011 6:07:54 GMT -5
As i cowardly type an new post message, i feel ashamed that i have not been participating at all on this forum. I understand the concept that people do go and work or study but i have noticed other members were able to multi-task and be both actively online and doing their day to day tasks. Gah...comparing can be a nasty habit.... Last Friday i had a nervous breakdown, which caused my parents to be worried as the last time it happened i ended up in hospital. I'm still fragile at the moment but at least i'm recognising it is from holding my emotions in (whether it is my stress or worries) that contributed greatly to my gradual descent to this state of mind. I found ShyUnited to be very supportive of their members to voice their feelings and thoughts, without being chastised or to be told that it is wrong to feel this way. Hence why i thought having a diary here might be a good thing as i can vent without feeling prosecuted and to be able to learn to see from other people's perspective. I do still actively read the post entries (daily in fact) but i just don't know what to say, or whether what i will say is appropriate therefore i basically don't post anything. Sigh...i hope i grow out of that habit as well. Sorry to damper the cheery mood people have been feeling today.  To those who haven't read Douglas Adams "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" Mavin is a robot. A very depressed one if you can't tell from the quote above. I think it fits well as the subject matter. Thank you for listening (reading) my rant..... I think i will be back soon...I'm finding this quite therapeutic. Gah......half of me is glad i have this outlet to voice things but another is saying " stop thinking about yourself, there are people in worse situations than you, why are you doing this, so people can pity you and say you have the right to exist? There are people out there that would want to be in your position, what are you complaining about?" I hate the two voices in my head....i wish they would just shut up and let me have a break. That is it, i will perserve...i will continue to post on this diary, for the sake of my sanity. I am trying to look for counselling but because I'm no longer classified as a young adult, trying to find counselling that doesn't cost through the roof is proving to be difficult. Mind you this is only my 2nd day of searching. How I'm still functioning I don't really know, maybe the fact that I need to have a steady income helps me "suck it up" abit for work, I'm a mess once I'm home. Sorry to waste your time reading about my own self-pity. I'll try to be like the doors in the "Heart of Gold" - cheery with a sunny disposition as soon as I am mentally capable of doing so. P.S. I do have a Google plus account: gplus.to/Lifeishowyouseeit Its a bit of an odd way of ending this post....but nothing has been making sense lately.... |
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Post by Scotty on Nov 9, 2011 11:45:40 GMT -5
I added you on google plus.  Also you get bonus points for the Hitchhiker's guide reference/title.  I hope your diary continues to help you out. |
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Post by Zoe on Nov 9, 2011 15:16:34 GMT -5
I added you on google plus. Also you get bonus points for the Hitchhiker's guide reference/title. I hope your diary continues to help you out. Thank you for your support (and the bonus points..yay..) and i think i have placed you in my circle....still not sure how it works....  |
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Post by lostmyself on Nov 10, 2011 9:18:22 GMT -5
It's good that you've recognised keeping your feelings bottled up isn't helping. If you ever need to vent anything, you're welcome to do so here. I do still actively read the post entries (daily in fact) but i just don't know what to say, or whether what i will say is appropriate therefore i basically don't post anything. Sigh...i hope i grow out of that habit as well. Sorry to damper the cheery mood people have been feeling today. This is a forum for shy people, I think we all do that. I've added you to my google plus account too |
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Post by Karen on Nov 10, 2011 10:30:33 GMT -5
Last Friday i had a nervous breakdown, which caused my parents to be worried as the last time it happened i ended up in hospital. I'm still fragile at the moment but at least i'm recognising it is from holding my emotions in (whether it is my stress or worries) that contributed greatly to my gradual descent to this state of mind. Sorry to hear your going through some tough times I hope your starting to feel a bit better at this point. And, I'm glad your using this diary as an outlet of sorts. I'm the same way, I read the posts entries every day but I don't always have anything to say. Even when I do post something I always wonder if what I'm posting is appropriate for the forum, or if it will end up insulting or offending someone. I think though, we have a pretty accepting group of people here. I don't see your diary as a request for pity, I think everyone (no matter what position they're in) needs an outlet for their thoughts and feelings. And it certainly helps to voice your concerns about life once in a while and have other people share their thoughts on those same concerns. I think it helps us make better sense of our world when we hear what other people think about things. PS. Yay for Hitchhikers quotes! ;D |
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Post by Zoe on Nov 10, 2011 16:30:34 GMT -5
Thank you all for your support, got a bit teary just knowing that i belong somewhere and its like my own little safe haven. Looking foward to the holidays so i will be able to chat with everyone in the northern hemisphere by staying up late enough or waking up early enough without the need to rush to work. I have tried to be proactive and tackle the things that stressed/worried me last week. I spoke with the people involved and explained my perspective plus limitations and i heard from them as well. So slowly but surely I'm working through the issues. Even though I am managing, i think i will continue to seek some counselling until I'm fully confident i am back on track. A recurring feedback I got was that I expected too much of myself, that i need to understand that i don't need to be the perfect person who knows how to do everything ( i can ask for help) and that it is ok to talk about feelings at work, even if it is sadness, anger or stress, with the boss. I guess my low self esteem plays a big part of all this, i felt i was never good enough for anything and any kind of praise, would make me feel happy as it would mean I'm on the right track. Got teary today as i received a birthday card from a volunteer who moved to another state 6 months ago. It's nice to be remembered. Followed Karen's advice and interact with other people. Agreed to invitation for the local fair from one friend and inviting another friend to come along for tomorrow. Hope it all goes well. My parents and my uncle with his family will be coming to my birthday dinner this Sunday....I'm actually looking forward to it. Things are getting much better. |
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Post by Zoe on Nov 12, 2011 17:31:31 GMT -5
I had a great time yesterday at the fair. Even though there were hiccups in the morning with catching the train, i wasn't as stressed as i thought i would be. I had an opportunity to catch up with my friend Linh who was going to the fair with me at the local restaurant and I got quite excited about the train ride as i never went travelling to that particular area before. As it was more rural, i was visualising lots of bush land, native animals roaming about and well...to put it in careful terms...what i thought country people would be like. I was wrong for most of the thoughts, it was as metropolitan as where i lived, as for the people there, well....it was split 50/50, i came across people who were what i thought they would be like and then for example Liam the friend that invited me to the fair, even though he was raised in the country, he was more like a city boy. Linh and Liam never met before but they got on very well. They both conspire to involve me going onto rides ( i was never a rides person). I did rides i never thought i was brave enough to do and i suppose i need to give my thanks to these two lovely people. Linh keep teasing me and Liam throughout the day (as i had a crush on him - started before i knew he had a girlfriend) even though we all knew he had a girlfriend (as previously mention in the "Crushes" post on SU - yes he is my wing chun instructor and he is around the same age as me)...oh the awkwardness and embarassment. Linh really knows how to converse with people so whilst she is shooting questions to Liam (even inappropriate sexual ones after she found out about his girlfriend), i was just in the background chuckling away. I was quiet for most of the time, it was more fun listening but i did answer any questions they threw my way...well, it was the polite thing to do. We stayed for dinner at the local pub, talking about music and life stories and he escorted us back home which was very nice but we were pretty sure he got in trouble with his girlfriend as it was quite late and he received an SMS from her. He only revealed after we got on the train that she wanted to spend some time with him before the night is over. Yikes! All in all, i had a great time as i mentioned before, and i have invited both him and his girlfriend, Linh and her boyfriend to join me next week to do go-kart racing.... Things are starting to look brighter....now i need to just work out how to avoid going back to that dark place in my head and everything will be ok. What a wonderful way to celebrate my 31st birthday. Here is to 2012, where i will become more confidient, optimistic and physically/mentally healthier. These goals are achievable right?? |
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1229
Full Member
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Post by 1229 on Nov 12, 2011 22:30:04 GMT -5
Sounds like a great day! Yes. |
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Post by lostmyself on Nov 14, 2011 3:46:00 GMT -5
As 1229 said, of course those things are achievable It sounds like you're already making progress so well done. |
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Post by Zoe on Nov 27, 2011 7:05:51 GMT -5
Gosh....where to start? Well i had a wonderful birthday dinner with Mum and Dad. Following the success of pushing my limits with accepting invitations to go out based on the Campbelltown fair, i accepted an invite from my Office Manager to go over to her house for dinner. I must say that her family is definately dynamic, then again i live in a passive household. I helped out with dinner (with my limited cooking skills) and we all watched her favourite show - The X factor.......haven't watched TV for a long while now, so seeing the reality show was....different.
My workplace will be relocating and we will be packing for the move the day after our clients Christmas Party. The Client Christmas party is one of the most stressful event of the year as we have over 300 clients and we need to organise the transport, catering and entertainment. As we are a community based organisation, we don't have much money to pay for external help, so we provide our own entertainment, our workers go out to transport our client to a community hall and we personally help serve the food. I really hope this week goes by quickly, so the stress can be over.
I had a heart to heart talk with my boss and explained to her that i wanted to study and work at the same time next year. As most of the stress and discomfort from work was related to dealing with the public as a receptionist/administrative assistant, I advised her that i would be studying accounts administration which will still be an useful skill within my role but hopefully it will eventuate to a different role in the organisation.
I used to think the quote "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference" was all wishy washy hog wash, but now that I am applying that train of thought....it is actually helping making things better.
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Post by Zoe on Nov 27, 2011 7:28:04 GMT -5
After wing chun class, i spoke with Liam in regards to the new girl in the class ( she is an aerobic fitness trainer I have heard), about how she said to me that she will be gentle and that she didn't want to hurt me and i was concerned that i was holding her back from learning properly. He advised me that she was underestimating my abilities and that my self-doubt is holding me back from achieving my full potential. Note to self: Being little and generally unfit does not mean you are incompetent, it means you need to work more harder to be on the same page as everyone else. You can do it!
I had a long conversation on the phone with Linh ( as some girls do) and it finally hit home to me the reason why i have crushes. People i have crushes on generally are caring . I needed these people to validate my existance, to make me feel that i counted for something. The bubble has burst, i realise these feeling do not have to come from the opposite gender.
I need to learn to accept and love who i am before i can think of anything else, because if I don't...can you imagine your future partner constantly reassuring you with your hundred and thousand insecurites, that is a horrible thing to do to someone. How am I going to do this? I honestly don't know, but at the moment, the first thing i need to change is to recognise that if a male treats me well, it does not mean i need to have a crush for him. Guys can still be friends...just figuring out how to get past the hurdle is tricky.
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Post by Karen on Nov 29, 2011 11:46:32 GMT -5
I think its awesome that you're able to talk openly to the people in your life about your concerns. That takes so much courage! Work stuff like this is always super stressful. I hope it all goes well. This was my Grandfathers favorite saying, he even had a framed plaque on his wall saying it. I think its good advice.... even if its really hard to follow sometimes.  I'm sure the new girl was trying to be nice by telling you this, but to me it comes off as patronizing. Like she's assuming straight off that you won't be able to keep up or that she'll just naturally be better then you. This is something I have a problem with too. I often worry that my insecurities will get in the way of my relationships. Its difficult to know how to accept yourself and allow others to be accepting of you as well. You seem to be so proactive in your own life! I think you will definitely get to where you want to be. Good Luck Zoe! I think you deserve every happiness |
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Post by Zoe on Dec 23, 2011 4:59:05 GMT -5
*waves then runs over to give everyone a hug* Hello, my apologies for not updating so often. Sometimes i get so overwhelmed that I stop functioning....well not really....i just get real lazy, play hidden object games obsessively and eat a lot of chocolate to distract myself. Between the last time i posted until now, i have been through a whole range of emotions from self hate to elation, from understanding how to get myself out of my predicament to forgetting and having a total mind blank. Thankfully today is the first day of my Christmas break and aside from pet-sitting my workmate's dog for 5 days, catching up with Linh and Liam and finally preparing for my Accounts Administration course next year (what am i getting myself into by working and studying at the same time...ughh...), I get to rest in between the days left over. I want to really take the opportunity to thank everyone here for just listening and accepting me into their circle. It has been an amazing year. I really hope to be able to join in on the chats during the holiday break...fingers crossed.... If i don't get the chance to catch up, i wish everyone a safe, healthy and happy 2012! |
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Post by Zoe on Sept 18, 2012 5:50:31 GMT -5
Holy moly....it has been awhile since i posted something... my bad?
I'm currently on a short holiday break (within Australia) and something very very unusual happened to me and i just need to get these confused thoughts out of my system.
After a day out touring and exploring the city, i went to an asian restaurant as i was starting to feel homesick and had enough of maccas and other fast food joints. The owner was quite friendly and talkative and i found out that they used to leave a few suburbs away from my hometown. The owner then introduced me to another fellow sydneysider on holidays
The fellow sydneysider is a stocky Maori bloke called Leo and he had been in the city for a day or so, so he offered to show me around some more places, including the waterfront seeing the sunset at the docks. He was very charismatic, on repeated occassions trying to feed me some of the things off his plate and actually saying I was a beautiful lady (*swoon*), Off to a good start right....well...it didn't end up too well...
As it was getting late, he said he would escort me back to my hotel on the condition that i would sleep with him or at least give him a head job. A shock to the system that was to me. The one and only time i got wooed and it was because the guy thought i was a desparate easy target.
I held onto my values and politely declined, making my own way back to where i was staying. He commented that i was so sheltered, like a young girl, that i needed to grow up as independant women can have carefree sex and if i kept doing what i was doing....I will never find a guy that would be even remotely be interested in me. Whilst i give a pat on my shoulder for not falling for the trap, i do feel vunerable as i ponder on the things he said.
Maybe i am a bit too uptight? I don't know when the next time will be before someone would treat me so special in that way. Ever since the double whammy with my crushes last year, i tried putting barriers up from getting hurt, and i can't believe i dropped the ball this time round.
Now here is the TMI (too much information part)......my mind is being mean and thinking what if i went ahead with it....the hot sex that could have happened (hey, don't look at me in that way....untouched since 2003 and women have needs too) but then again, i would not have respected myself afterwards.
Its been a rollercoaster of a day, and after all this, i think i have grown up a little more. My recovery time is quicker and I am picking myself up and not letting this ruin the rest of my holiday.....got a nice trip to the wildlife park and winery vineyard thing-a-mag-jigs tomorrow before i head back home to Sydney on Thursday morning. I'll post up pics from my holiday once I'm back home ;D
Thanks for lending me your ears and time. I haven't been actively posting for a long time......I'll work on it. Take care everyone....I wish you all a pleasant evening.....
Heaps and heaps of hugs from ZOE
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Post by Sexy Spork #37 on Sept 18, 2012 7:00:13 GMT -5
^ Holy crap. Somebody actually said that to you?
Honestly, never, ever sleep with or do anything sexual with someone for the fun of it. If you don't care about them, don't bother. One night stands are like a drug, a quick fix that you'll get hooked on and end up loosing who you are. You're not that person. Guys like him are scum and you chose to walk away: always walk away from guys like that. I would've kneed him in the bollocks and given him a hard slap.
You're a lovely person. You'll find someone one day. Don't give up hope.
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Also you get bonus points for the Hitchhiker's guide reference/title. 
