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Post by Karen on Jul 10, 2012 8:43:58 GMT -5
It's clear that this guy has taken up a lot of your mental and emotional space if you're still worried about his behavior ten years later. I hope some of the responses in this forum help you out.  Also welcome to su Jenls76! I'm going to give my take, for what its worth, on your story. I hope you will not be offended by anything I say, as its clear you cared very much for this guy. I'll be honest and say, Sean sounds like a guy who doesn't like women very much.... not a gay person, but a man who hates women just a bit. From his behavior to you, from what you described, it didn't come off as shy and sweet to me. I think if you ask any of the guys on this forum (most of which are very shy and sweet) they will tell you they would never even consider calling a girl a 'slut' the first time they kiss her, even if said guy was into both jokes and 'talking dirty'. Also, I can understand him not having the courage to call you for a long time. Its really scary to make that move. But, for him to call you, and then get mad when he finds out you have a boyfriend, and to ask you "why did we talk all this time if you had a boyfriend" tells me he wasn't very interested in you as a person, only in you as a potential date, otherwise, why get pissed AND let you know he was pissed when he found out you had a boyfriend. Could he really expect you not to move on at some point? I think most other guys would have blamed themselves for not calling you sooner, rather than blaming you for meeting someone new. It is, I think more difficult to move on from something when you get mixed signals from the other person. On the one hand they seem so nice, and so 'right' for you. But on the other hand they do certain things that shock you and leave you wondering. "but why would they do that". I think over the years if there is one thing I've learned, it's to pay attention to the "but why would they do that" moments. Sometimes people just have a bad day and do things that are out of character. But more often then not its an indicator of underlying issues. I know this has been bothering you for a long time. But hopefully you will be able to let it go at some point. Things don't work out sometimes, and sometimes that's the best thing that can happen. Don't blame yourself, don't worry that you caused his behavior in some way. I doubt anything you could have done would have made things happen any differently than they did. |
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Owen
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Post by Owen on Jul 10, 2012 11:55:00 GMT -5
I've got next to no experience to draw from here so feel free to ignore my post and move on to the next one.
I agree with Karen on most of her points so I'm going to keep this short. The most obvious and not particularly pleasant answer to "why it took him so long to call?" is that he was in a relationship with someone else at the time. When it ended three months later he contacted you.
Bear in mind that I could be wrong (and I am most of the time) but that answer makes the most sense to me.
As to how you let it go? Well I can't really answer that without being a massive hypocrite (I'm going to try anyway). I think the answer is lots and lots of time along with the acceptance that he just wasn't the one.
Right, I'm off to go change my signature to "I'm a massive hypocrite"
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Post by Stranger on Jul 10, 2012 23:13:31 GMT -5
The most obvious and not particularly pleasant answer to "why it took him so long to call?" is that he was in a relationship with someone else at the time. When it ended three months later he contacted you. That was my first thought too. Not that there's anywhere near enough information here to really know his motives, but it seemed like a perfectly plausible scenario. That said... I had wondered if my reaction to it embarrassed him and that prevented him from calling for so long. My gut tells me it took him that long to get the nerve... ...as a shy person I think this is totally possible too. This is a useless answer, I know, but there just isn't enough information here to know for sure. I do think you both made mistakes - more him from your version of events. While I'm sure calling someone a slut in a heated moment could be playful to many, it's certainly not universal, and I'd find it pretty presumptuous on his part to assume it was a sexy thing to say to someone he didn't know very well. More risky than risqué, lol. Mistakes happen, but he made a second mistake not to clarify how he felt about you when he contacted you later, if he was serious about the whole thing. I think you both made a mistake about the 3 month thing. He should have made contact sooner, but you could have too, even if it was just to ask him how he felt about you, and what he meant by his comment. I can understand waiting a week to give them some breathing room, but a quarter of a year is plenty of time for someone to move on and meet someone else. There's no changing the past, but maybe having something to take from the experience might help bring some closure to it. Hope this is helpful. |
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Post by Farouche on Jul 10, 2012 23:17:32 GMT -5
I actually disagree with the first two posters this time. I think the guys you asked before were probably correct that he was trying to be playful. When I read this my first thought was that this guy was horny after all the kissing, and he simply blurted out something that sounded more suave and sexy inside his head than it did coming out of his mouth. I get the impression that it's not uncommon for normal guys to get excited and say things that they wouldn't say if they were getting more, um, blood-flow to the brain at the time.
My hunch is that he may have perceived you as being more aggressively sexual than you felt you were being (which is not a criticism!). For instance, touching someone's thigh is a classically intimate gesture; an easy way to not-so-subtly indicate that you'd like to take things further. Yet, interestingly, you say you touched him "just above the knee," instead of "on the thigh," where "thigh" is the more suggestive (and arguably more exact) term. You also say you were "kissing him because [you] really liked him not because [you are] a sl_t!!", when I would have said that people kiss because of mutual physical attraction. This suggests that you're interpreting certain acts as significantly less sexual than many people would. And this immediately makes me think that there was a big disconnect between where he thought the night was headed and where you thought it was headed.
Once he came out with the "slut" thing and clearly saw that you were weirded out, I can't know what he was thinking. But it seems as likely as not that he felt embarrassed about the faux pas, which definitely may have made him hesitate to call you right away. Especially if he felt like the ball was in your court, since for all he knew you might find him creepy for trying dirty-talk on the first date.
There are so many variables here that we can't know... But personally I'm guessing that this guy liked you, and he wanted to casually date you, but he (as they say) was just not that into you. He may have been looking for a fling--may have thought you wanted a fling--or may have wanted to see where things would go. But he didn't care quite enough to apologize for the "slut" misunderstanding or call you sooner than three months later; or to admit the real reason he was calling you, rather than offering an excuse. Fear/shyness could certainly explain all those things, but a lot of very shy people are able to drum up the courage to pursue love interests who clearly like them back, and he doesn't sound that shy, so... there ya go, for what that's worth.
I didn't read much into his comment about "you talked to me all this time and you have a boyfriend???" Sounds like he just assumed you would have mentioned the boyfriend sooner if one existed. And in fact, it seems like he was really understanding when you basically let him know that it was his own fault you had time to move on and get a new boyfriend. (Kudos to you for coming right out and saying it, btw.)
So at the very least, it sounds like there was a mismatch in terms of what you both wanted, and in terms of how much you both wanted what you wanted. I doubt the relationship would have gone anywhere, if that makes you feel any better. If you're completely stuck on him anyway, why don't you try to reconnect with him via Facebook or something to find out what he's up to?
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Post by Karen on Jul 11, 2012 6:00:22 GMT -5
I actually disagree with the first two posters this time. I think the guys you asked before were probably correct that he was trying to be playful. When I read this my first thought was that this guy was horny after all the kissing, and he simply blurted out something that sounded more suave and sexy inside his head than it did coming out of his mouth. I get the impression that it's not uncommon for normal guys to get excited and say things that they wouldn't say if they were getting more, um, blood-flow to the brain at the time. Perhaps Farouche is right about this. From everyone else's posts it seems like it was just a faux pas on his part. I probably would have reacted the same way as the OP. Mainly I would have been saying 'umm..... what?' I might look back later and laugh at such an odd thing happening, but at the time I would definitely be wondering about the guy. There are so many variables here that we can't know... But personally I'm guessing that this guy liked you, and he wanted to casually date you, but he (as they say) was just not that into you. He may have been looking for a fling--may have thought you wanted a fling--or may have wanted to see where things would go. But he didn't care quite enough to apologize for the "slut" misunderstanding or call you sooner than three months later; or to admit the real reason he was calling you, rather than offering an excuse. Fear/shyness could certainly explain all those things, but a lot of very shy people are able to drum up the courage to pursue love interests who clearly like them back, and he doesn't sound that shy, so... there ya go, for what that's worth. I got this impression as well. That this entire affair meant a lot more to the OP than it did to guy involved. I didn't read much into his comment about "you talked to me all this time and you have a boyfriend???" Sounds like he just assumed you would have mentioned the boyfriend sooner if one existed. And in fact, it seems like he was really understanding when you basically let him know that it was his own fault you had time to move on and get a new boyfriend. (Kudos to you for coming right out and saying it, btw.) This is the only place where I disagree with what Farouche had to say. I didn't get the impression that he was being 'really understanding' when you told him you had a boyfriend. He seemed surprised that you carried on a long conversation without stating up front that you were already dating, and when you told him you were seeing someone: "There was silence on the phone and then he said he would let me go. With that we ended the phone call." That doest sound like an understanding guy, that sounds like a guy who just wants to get off phone (for whatever reason). As you said in your second post here, he wasn't mad, he was disappointed, so maybe that's all it was. The most obvious and not particularly pleasant answer to "why it took him so long to call?" is that he was in a relationship with someone else at the time. When it ended three months later he contacted you. That's a good point. All in all, it seems like something happening with this guy just wasn't meant to be. Hopefully as time passes you'll be able to worry less about this. Also, again, don't blame yourself, or think, maybe if I had done this.... or handled things in a different way... you can't change the past. And for all anybody knows, its a good thing that things didn't work out with this particular guy. |
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Also welcome to su Jenls76! 
) and some guys make all the decisions for their wives. Basically, you have to be the stereotypical "man" just initially to get things started.