To Post or Not to Post...

[luminesca]

I’ve been thinking about starting a diary on shyunited for a while. Probably for over two months. I’ve never been the person to keep a diary though. I’ve never been a faithful writer. I’ve had so many diaries that were given to me that are either completely blank or only have a few pages written or doodled on. I would usually resort to writing down my thoughts in my notebooks or on stray loose-leaf paper when I was feeling lonely and sad. I could keep a private diary but I figured putting it in a shared space would probably give me more encouragement to write in it often and shift from being a lurker to an active member here.

What prompted me to take the plunge and post was a communication mishap with a close friend. I won't really go into details but we were using instant messaging. I felt like I offended her although she didn't really get what I was trying to say. It didn't really make much sense actually. I picked up on her frustration and apologized. She seemed to have forgiven me and typed "no hard feelings" but I still feel bad. I think my hypersensitivity is one reason why I shy away from social interaction. I know that not every conversation goes smoothly, and it’s not like we’re fighting or anything, but I hate feeling like I offended someone. I’m not perfect. I make mistakes, but gee I wish I wasn’t so hard on myself when I do.

[luminesca]

I’m a recent college grad. I’m fortunate that I don’t have any loans to pay back especially since I’m still unemployed. To be honest I haven’t been looking seriously for a job yet. The search just fills me with dread and makes me anxious so I tend to put it out my mind and look at cute kittens instead. When I do look, I just feel so unqualified for things I’m remotely interested in doing, primarily due to my lack of work experience in a particular field. But maybe with the help of my school's career services I'll get lucky.

[luminesca]

;D I came back and I'm on a mission... to post again. Quite a bit has happened recently. I would have responded but... well... I started getting the jitters about coming back. Speaking offline and online are both anxiety inducing to me. It's just that offline, most if the time I don't have the option of disappearing.

On the job related stuff I was able to speak with a counselor. I feel that she gave excellent advice. The thing is... I just need to motivate myself to try it out. This whole process is scary and anxiety inducing. The fear immobilizes me and drives me to do whatever I can to avoid being productive. Lately I have been feeling that everything is a drag, even the things that considered hobbies (primarily drawing and creative writing). I hope I can pin point the reason why I feel like this.

In my social life, I recently went out to dinner with a friend. We had a lot of fun and it felt great to be out of the house. My friend has been feeling depressed. We had went to the same school and been through similar things so I can understand why she's feeling down. I'm not sure what the best thing for me to do to help her out. I just wish that I knew what would be the best way to respond. In a way I feel powerless to help her and in another I feel like its my duty as her friend to do whatever I can. I'm afraid of making her feel worse since I tend to be pessimistic. I'm going to meet with her soon so we could talk. That should be good for the both of us.

[Zoe]

Hi Luminesca, i think that your presence of being there would provide her some comfort knowing she is not alone. Sometimes the most basic gestures can be very meaningful. Good luck with the get together.

[luminesca]

Hey Zoe! Thanks for the reply. You were absolutely right. When we met last week she sort of expressed that she just wanted someone to talk to about something that was on her mind. We ended up meeting with another friend and grabbing dinner at an Italian restaurant. I felt that the food was rather pricey although it did taste good. I mostly loved the cheesecake I had for dessert ;D. We had a lot fun just talking and laughing with each other. It was nice still being able to hang out with my closest friends from college. I did feel a bit down at times since both of them were doing something productive with their lives while I was at a stand still. Hopefully I'll take the time to figure out what I want. I feel that I have been questioning what I wanted to do for myself so much that I no longer feel confident about what I want or my own abilities.

[luminesca]

I had talked to my mom recently about my issues. She says that since I wasn't doing anything and staying in the house most of the time I was getting depressed. She said that getting out doing something would most likely make me feel better. For her that something is get a part-time job. She advised for me to apply for a job at a retail store since they hire a lot during the holiday season. I'm still wavering on whether to go to an interview. I know that it's better than nothing but I feel like I'm selling myself short. On the other hand, since I'm uncomfortable around people I don't think I would be a good fit. I'm not sure if I should just do it since my mom told me to.

Ugh... I don't know. My brain always seem to work against me. Well I can't really think straight. Being up late is probably the reason. I'll probably come back later to write. Hopefully I can make more sense in my next post. Since I live on the East Coast in the US we have that Hurricane Sandy to worry about. It's not raining where I'm at yet but I'll see if it lives up to the hype soon enough.

[Farouche]

So, how did YOU do in the hurricane, Luminesca?

What were the particular issues you talked to your mom about (if you don't mind the question)? Looking for a job (especially a first job) just plain sucks, I think. If that's your main problem right now, I wonder if getting a job during the Christmas rush would be the best solution. I worked retail for a large chunk of a summer once, and it was a fairly depressing job. So many, many people to deal with; so many stupid rules. And I would think that it'd be even more stressful during the holidays (unless you enjoy that sort of bustling atmosphere).

I don't mean to completely discourage you, though. If you need the money for yourself or to help out your parents, I'd say that getting a part-time job in retail should be entirely tolerable. Better than needing the money, certainly. But if the main purpose of taking this job would be to get out of the house and lift your spirits, maybe you could do something else instead? Like a class to augment your skills, or some kind of volunteer thing? Or even a one-time meet-up (like you find on Meetup.com).

I'm falling asleep over here, lol; I was going to write more, but I can't even edit this properly right now. I'll be back...

The last thing I wanted to say is that the Chrome browser says the site your avatar comes from (I assume, anyway: pokemon.marriland.com) has malware on it. I get a panicky-sounding warning message whenever I try to visit this SU diary page. I'd suggest maybe copying the image to a Photobucket account and linking to that, instead.