Messing things up with a guy because I'm shy:(

[loneangel]

Hey guys...so I'm having this pretty big problem...

It's mixed up but basically I have this guy friend online (my only friend at all) who I really care about, and we've been talking online for a year now. He's so smart and kind and non-judgemental...not like anyone I've ever known before. I haven't told him how shy I am (since I'm scared he'd be turned off) and made excuses when he's tried to call me, which made me feel awful.

But he surprised me by still wanting to talk to me. Anyway, he does this radio type of show on Youtube (wow hope he doesn't read this) and wants me to be with him on it. To speak..publically:/ I got really panicked, cause I can barely say hi to people, much less talk comfortably like that. I just KNOW I'd blank out, get shy, mumble something and just humiliate everyone:( But it just kills me to let him down again for this...he's already given me so many chances and I destroyed them all:( He got mad when I told him i couldn't do it and I feel like I'm ruining everything with the one person who even notices my existance:(

Well I told him i'd do it with him on Saturday, cause I couldn't take losing him, but I know what a disaster I'd be...I just can't do anything fun like this. I can't do anything. He's gonna get another girl friend of his to do it if I can't, and then he'd like her more, because she's confident and normal and forget about me:( That would devastate me!

But it's whats always happened to me. Always rejected and ignored cause of the way I am. I've been really depressed cause of all my anxiety issues and I just know that even losing him would send me over the edge and I'm scared of that:/ Having to deal with losing someone again because of my problems (and someone so perfect) will be too heartbreak to deal with:( It's making me feel sick.

sorry I sound pathetic:/ Do any of you guys know what i should do?

[Sigh]

Does he still want to call you? Because talking to him one on one might give you the confidence to do the public stuff, since you'll know he's heard you speak and still wants to be friends and also you'll know you have someone in your corner when you do the public speaking thing.

You know this guy has given you lots of chances (and he's not going to keep doing that forever if you keep making things difficult for him but people do stop if you keep knocking them back) and if you want him to keep being around, you're gonna have to decide if your fear of speaking outweighs the fear of losing him. Sometimes you just have to take a chance... if you do nothing, you'll lose a friend but if you try, you'll keep a friend because even if you fail at it, if he's a good friend he'll appreciate that you tried.

Good luck!

[loneangel]

Yeah I know you're right...I just feel like I physically CAN'T do it. I haven't had any experience talking to people and wouldn't know what to say. I'd be shaking and feel nauseaus. Everyone thinks I just don't want to try talking to people, but I just can't:( I feel too physically and mentally/emotionally weak to try now. I don't think he'd want to talk to me on the phone at this point...I feel so defeated by this fear:(
Maybe I'll just let it kill me.

[Karen]

Oct 11, 2012 12:39:20 GMT -5 Sigh said:

Does he still want to call you? Because talking to him one on one might give you the confidence to do the public stuff, since you'll know he's heard you speak and still wants to be friends and also you'll know you have someone in your corner when you do the public speaking thing.

This is pretty good advice. Talking to him might help you feel better about doing the youtube thing, because you'll have gotten over one fear (talking to him on the phone). And that's a step in the right direction.

Also, if you really feel you can't do the youtube thing, then just explain your fears honestly too him. Being shy and having anxiety about public speaking isn't a crime. I doubt it would ruin your friendship since there is a reason he's been talking to you for a year, and that reason has nothing to do with your ability to speak in front of others.

I would say, in the future, don't promise to do things that you know you're not comfortable with out of fear of losing someone. It will only lead to this sort of stress and worry.

Good luck Loneangel, with whatever you decide to do.

[Sigh]

Yeah, that's good advice too Karen. Being honest is the best way If you don't tell him about your fears, then he's gonna assume you not wanting to is about him and not your issues... let him know what's going on and if he's a good friend he's going to want to be supportive

[Stranger]

I totally agree with being honest and forthcoming about it. For the very simple and selfish reason that if you can't do that, then how is it going to feel maintaining this false confidence down the line?

It might even help you go through with it if you talk to him about it. Maybe he actually fights through nerves before every show and he'll let you in on his coping techniques. Or maybe he has stories of how nervewracking it was when he first started and how things turned out fine.

I believe most people -- even the ones that seem confident -- have their fears, and just hearing more about them can help one get through it. And just imagine if you did it! How awesome would that feel?

[loneangel]

Hey, thanks for the replies guys..

Unfortunatly I totally blew everything tonight:(
I tried to force myself to do it and at the last minute starting seriously panicking...It was on Skype voice chat and I just couldn't do it:( It's funny that I was so afraid of humiliating myself and him being dissapointed in me if I did it, but not doing it caused that anyway:/ He got really upset and said everything I was afraid of..that I was weak and embarrased him in front of his friend, ruined the channel, needed a shrink:( He's right about all of that of course.
I just tried to hide it for so long cause I was scared...but it happened anyway. and in the worst way:(

It hurts even more that he went through a lot of trouble to make me comfortable, and told me I didn't even have to talk that much...Nobody else would've cared that much.
and I was still terrified:(

I don't really know what to do now...I feel so humiliated and pathetic. He knows i'm a freak and won't want to deal with it...Now I have no one at all:(

[Karen]

Oh, Loneangel, I'm so sorry it happened that way. I can imagine how stressful and painful it must have been for you.

However, you're friend could have handled it better. Much better. I cannot imagine an entire youtube channel being ruined because of one awkward show. I've not been a subscriber of any youtube channel that didn't have a few boring/weird/messed up in some way episodes. They aren't as big a deal as your friend seems to be making out.

Perhaps he was speaking out of frustration and momentary anger when he said what he said. But, he certainly could have been more graceful in his response to you. I don't know what happened specifically, but to insult you (calling you weak and in need of a shrink), and humiliate you further (telling you that you embarrassed him in front of his friend) seems overly harsh and uncalled for.

At this point I guess it depends on what you want to do in regards to your friendship. If you want to continue being friends with him, perhaps wait a day or so and then talk to him about what happened. He may feel differently after some time to cool down and think about things.

I know you feel like you've lost your only friend, I know how painful that is, I've felt like that myself. All I can say is, hang in there, you will get past this. .... even though it might not feel like that right now.

(PS I feel like I need to say, I'm no expert, I'm not great at giving advice, you know your friend better than anyone on this forum, and you probably know better than anyone what would be the best thing to do in this situation. Just have courage, and do what you think is best.)

[loneangel]

Thanks Karen..
I think he was upset because I couldn't even make myself pick up the call (when they were calling me on Skype) after I kept them waiting a while trying to force myself to do it...Which he's totally about I've just been crying nonstop cause I feel so terrible. I actually even scared myself by how much I was panicking just at the thought of answering, even though I wanted to so badly...Which just proves he was right about how messed up I am. What he was saying just brought back all those painful memories of people always being frustrated/dissapointed/embarrased at me because of the way I am:/ He said he never should've even asked me - that was like a stab in the heart..even though everything he was saying was true

It's just even worse that I humiliated myself (and him) in front of his friend who got mad at him...for bringing in a freak like me
It's all my fault.

I always end up a failure in everything in life because I'm like this.

I talked to him today and he says he still cares about me...but what's the point if I can't even be the same in real life. He won't look at me the same way again...now that he knows how weak I am.

I just don't know what to do guys...I know another girl could easily do something like that
and not have made this much of a mess. Any guy would prefer that:(
I'm so tired of living like this...

[Stranger]

Ack, that sounds like pretty maximal suckage.

What he said was pretty nasty, though, if he did indeed say those things. Does he seem to understand where you're coming from? If he's non-judgemental like you described in the first post, I'd be quite surprised if he said you were "weak" and "needed a shrink." Could you be blowing it out of proportion a little?

Thinking about it from his point of view, I wonder if he was just upset because the whole thing came as a surprise to him. If you said you'd be there for his show and you bailed on him unexpectedly, he may have felt a bit betrayed. If I was in your position, I'd do my best to let him understand that it's a difficult thing for you, and that you're really sorry for messing up his show and not being more forthcoming about it. Even admit that you're pretty embarassed about not being able to go through with it. Again, open and honest - boring as it sounds.

I know it's hard to see while you're feeling down about yourself, but saying you're a failure or a freak is going too far. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. As you think about how you stack up to others, also remember one can be attracted to someone for the most random reasons. Maybe it's the way you look, or a behavioral quirk, or the way you do something that someone else finds so charming or cute... once someone is attracted to you, they'll often look past little things like "oh she's not so great at being put on the spot over a crackly phone call which will be recorded on the internet for the whole world to listen to." Even the other things you think make you "weak" just won't matter as much to some people - especially if you make an effort to overcome them.

[Farouche]

I think your friend has no one to blame but himself if his channel is “ruined” over this. The professional thing to do would be to interview you himself before the show, and then give you at least one dress rehearsal—more if it was obvious that you were nervous.

To my view, this is a learning experience for him more than anything. If he’s a very charismatic, filmable personality, he may find it hard to imagine that anyone would *not* be able to perform on-demand. As he found out the hard way, not all people are like that. Even extroverts can be victims of stage fright, so it’s not even a problem unique to shy people.

Shame on him for calling you “weak” and saying you ruined his channel. But, like Karen said, I doubt he actually meant the things he said. He was embarrassed in front of his friend (embarrassed largely by his own lack of preparation/research), and people often blurt out stupid, blamey things when they’re embarrassed. From what you’ve said (in particular the part about him affirming that he cares for you), he doesn’t sound like a lost cause, though. If you haven’t already, I’d definitely suggest letting him know that you felt you were put in an awkward position. That you felt pressured participating in the first place, but agreed because you care about him that much. That you didn’t know how to explain your intense shyness/ anxiety/stage fright (whatever term you think will be most easily understood). That his reaction really hurt your feelings, and just confirms your original impression that he would not have understood if you had tried to explain the problem beforehand. I assume you’ve already apologized for not being able to do what you’d agreed to do.

Like Karen, I understand how incredibly frustrating it is to be one person in text/in your head, and seemingly an entirely different person when you open your mouth. But in this case, your friend already knows and likes the text/internal you, which is a good place to start from. He may find it hard to understand how your spoken conversation can (at times, anyway) be so much at odds with your written persona, but you have that existing friendship to build from. Once he gets over the “ruined” show (heavy air quotes there), he may be more inclined to understand where you’re coming from, should you choose to explain.

And based on my own experience, I don’t think it’s a given that you “can’t even be the same in real life” as you are online. It may require a lot of trust, time, practice whatever, etc., but definitely don’t despair. Though I know the feeling, you’re not so “messed up” or such a “freak.” Your fingers just work better than your mouth, lol. Better than the other way around!