My rambles...

[Crashtastic]

I figured I'd make my own space for all of my rambling. This will have to serve as my therapy, being that I likely need it...but don't have the monies for it. Damn, it used to help too. Right before I stopped due to losing my last job and losing my insurance...which was pretty decent too! ugh, I can't think about that...anyways, I hope I can make this all readable and not let my add ruin all trains of thought lol Just a warning, my grammar and puncuation is horrible. I'm kinda lazy that way, I'll try to clean it up a bit...but the way I write could be annoying lol

Ok, so same old story. I wound up starting a new relationship. I didn't mean it. I was just going to look and talk to peeps online and the most willing and easy are men on dating sites! haha Then, I came across a guy that I went to school with. Oddly enough I have ran into him a few times on the net over the years. The first time, I was on okcupid where his sister had messaged me saying "Hey, my brother thinks you're cute." I thought this was way weird...so of course I went with it. I talked with her back and forth for a while and I was going to go on a blind date with this dude...I was probably pretty bored at the time to consider doing such a thing. Then, I came across her profile on facebook and found out who he was and said no thanks. I had just remembered him being a bit of a douche in school, so I wasn't interested. He then added me on facebook about a year later and I talked to him a little, then blew him off. Oh yeah, and my one friend who was from a town like 40 minutes away wound up joining his band somewhere in the middle of this. So, this dude just kept popping up. After my last relationship and the immense heart hurting it caused me, I started to looking on dating sites to distract myself. I honestly had no intention of starting anything. But, he found me on there. I don't even know if he remembered it was me or not (I should ask him). I just figured I'd actually talk to him this time. I mean, there has never been anyone else who has continuously shown up randomly in my life so hey why not?

We texted back and forth for a couple of weeks...I still just wanted to be friends. We met up for a movie...I paid for myself. But then I don't know, I sorta just clicked with him. I have a lot in common with him. He's one of those people that just makes you feel comfortable talking to him. Very genuine and sweet. lol after a couple of weeks he asked me to be his girlfriend. I thought it was a little cheesy for a second but then it just made me smile super big No one has ever asked me. It's always just been hanging out and then eventually assumed. The majority of my relationships, I've felt taken for granted. To have someone ask me and then tell me later that they wanted to make sure I didn't get away was probably the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. So I stuffed my intial wanting to run away down and said ok yeah sure lol You see the more someone acts like they don't care that much, the more I'm attracted to them. I don't know where this comes from exactly and I don't like it about myself. But when someone openly shows that they like me, I have the urge to get away or in many cases just stick around and then push them away

Anyways, I'll continue later...I'm tired of writing for now lol

[Crashtastic]

I am a relationship junkie. Best way I can say it. When I think logically and rationally, I know without a doubt that I am not in a place for it. Insecurity and weakness always seems to win out. What is the value I see in relationships? What is it that drives me to seek them?

It's a distraction from myself. It's an excuse to have someone else to focus on. What are they thinking about? What are they doing? What can I do for them? It becomes my primary focus and everything else takes a backseat to all encompassing comfort in those eyes. The world doesn't matter. They become my life. My reason. They are what I will build around. What is that?! I should build my life around myself. The things that make me who I am. I am not a mouse, no matter who may perceive me that way. I've got one hell of a lot of thoughts of my very own. I've been willing to shove them down, just because I've wanted to be close to someone. For, as long as I can remember I've been willing to give up pieces of myself because I thought that someone else wouldn't approve. Giving up ideas left and right because someone else said that I was wrong, even when I know I'm right. I usually am right and then I kick myself. I resent and hate myself because I didn't have the belief that I could possibly know what I was talking about. One thing that I know is that the only people I would like to have close to me are those who value me as I am.

All of this settling is such a waste of time. I'm not capable of it in the long run. I've tried. I'm trying to think of a way to describe what I want to say...I feel like I'm so bad at this. I'll get into a relationship and I will notice all of these red flags, but instead of acknowledging them in my mind I'll instead focus on the things that I like. Like yeah sure he consistently goes through bouts of depression where he treats you like he hates you...but he'll make me dinner God thinking about it now, I will make something feather light outweigh a fucking mac truck...ugh. With my ex I knew it wasn't going anywhere but I convinced myself to find hope in the relationship because I was so blindly attached to him. I need to gain the ability to let go when I know I should.

Comfort has become my coping mechanism. As a child and long after that I would suck my thumb when experiencing anxiety. Instead of facing the situation I would shove my thumb in my mouth and ride it out until the anxiety would pass or I would just fall asleep, then just forget about it after. The same anxiety for the same reasons would show up the next time and the time after that. It feels like something as simple as thumb sucking has manifested into other comforts to shut up my nagging brain. Oversleeping, sex, food, drugs, and of course men. I avoid everything. I put little problems off until they become huge problems. Overwhelming problems. Then I go into a mode of crisis. I get into this mind set where I can't even think straight. I can't listen. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't move...

It's funny to think how angry I get at this quick fix society, when that is exactly how I've chosen to live my life. One of the things that I hope the next relationship will bring is that perhaps I can share some of their life, when I hardly have one of my own to share. When you take away all of the crazy in my head, what I really want out of a relationship is a mutual exchange. Give and take. I can't achieve that with where I'm at now. I've said this to myself a million times, but still I'll settle because it just temporarily makes things feel better. I'm not the type to settle. I want what I want and I can't change it. I'm too stubborn and I will never be happy unless I work on myself. I want to be happy and healthy above all else...relationships and all.

First thing I'm going to do as a focus on myself is to catch up on my bills. I just got a second job so hopefully (ahem and not so hopefully lol) I'll be working like 7 days a week. Not much time to focus on much else anyways now lol After that I'll figure out my next step. Seriously, someone hold me to the not dating thing!! I'm weak! lol

So these are the connections that I've made for tonight. I have a record so I remember and I have witness lol Any input is appreciated no matter what it is. It helps me figure out more to have another perspective

[gaia]

If you do one thing, you have to read Ann Wilson Schaef's book "Escape from Intimacy: Untangling the Love Addictions..". It talks about how people can become addicted to love/sex/romance (each being different addictions), and when I read it I had a massive breakthrough.
Normally I don't go for self-help books, but this really sorted me out.
It really explains a lot about how people become addicted to love, and in the process totally avoid dealing with themselves their own issues and insecurities. It explains how by falling into that trap, you're not really honouring yourself or the other person whom you're in a relationship with. Can't recommend it enough, seriously.

[Crashtastic]

Nov 12, 2012 20:36:30 GMT -5 gaia said:

If you do one thing, you have to read Ann Wilson Schaef's book "Escape from Intimacy: Untangling the Love Addictions..". It talks about how people can become addicted to love/sex/romance (each being different addictions), and when I read it I had a massive breakthrough.
Normally I don't go for self-help books, but this really sorted me out.
It really explains a lot about how people become addicted to love, and in the process totally avoid dealing with themselves their own issues and insecurities. It explains how by falling into that trap, you're not really honouring yourself or the other person whom you're in a relationship with. Can't recommend it enough, seriously.

Heya. Thanks I'll look into it. I haven't gotten through many self help books myself but it sounds pretty interesting. I'm always interested in relationship type things in general lol

I'm kind of at that point right now. I'm realizing it I guess. I don't like the relationships that I get into and I don't want it to keep happening that way. So I have to stop and figure things out. It's driving me a bit nuts though. I know in my head what the choices I should be making are, but then I get so anxious at the thought of being by myself. I just panic because I feel I need that feeling of closeness with someone. I guess my goal right now is to cut out sex. I don't want to cut it...but its just no good right now. I still talk to people with penises but I'm not getting involved with anyone. I'm debating whether or not cuddling is ok...probably not....maybe. There's no one around that I want to cuddle lol Anyways I've been making better decisions so far...ugh I need to keep making them. I just have to remember what a mess my other choices have made me.

[Crashtastic]

Oh also it's good to see you on here again. How have you been?

[Sweet Pea]

Nov 12, 2012 20:36:30 GMT -5 gaia said:

If you do one thing, you have to read Ann Wilson Schaef's book "Escape from Intimacy: Untangling the Love Addictions..". It talks about how people can become addicted to love/sex/romance (each being different addictions), and when I read it I had a massive breakthrough.
Normally I don't go for self-help books, but this really sorted me out.
It really explains a lot about how people become addicted to love, and in the process totally avoid dealing with themselves their own issues and insecurities. It explains how by falling into that trap, you're not really honouring yourself or the other person whom you're in a relationship with. Can't recommend it enough, seriously.

sounds sensible.

[Crashtastic]

I've always done what I've needed to do, so why do I have such little faith in myself. I always think I'm going mess something up. It's not a very rational thought. Of course, if I expect to fail I'm going to...because I've given up. So yeah, I should remember to not doom myself which such expectations.

[Crashtastic]

I think I'm going to have to move back home at my Dad's. This is pretty depressing. I don't have the fondest memories there. I'm going to have to sleep in the living room, with my brother's in all the bedrooms. I'm kinda scared. It's likely this is going to be a nightmare. I just need somewhere I can live without having to pay rent so I can actually catch up on my bills and save something. It's just getting too hard living like this. It's just one thing after the next and I'm so overwhelmed. Everything in my life seems to be crashing. My username has never been so fitting as it is now. I'm too stubborn and I have to just give in. I can't fix my situation like this. I just want to be on even ground again. How could I have let my life get this messed up? I feel so pathetic. I get depressed and then I shut down. shit...make a plan elyse...

Today I will...

1. clean this friggen room. it's so simple to do. I clean all day elsewhere so why am i living in a mess here?!
2. Polish my damn resume and cover letter. It will take 15 friggen minutes.
3. Send it to that job posting. Do not put it off until it's too late!

Future life revamping plans...

1. Move home. I will be strong and gracious and I will not engage pointless fights.
2. Catch up on these car payments....and just work on paying off the thing. If I have no rent then that is what I'm going to put my money towards.
3. Go to school. I'm smart and I work very hard so I have the capacity to do something I'm proud of and do it well. <-- that one makes me cry a little. There are ways to do it, so figure it out.

[Sweet Pea]

Dec 1, 2012 18:06:36 GMT -5 Crashtastic said:

I think I'm going to have to move back home at my Dad's. This is pretty depressing. I don't have the fondest memories there. I'm going to have to sleep in the living room, with my brother's in all the bedrooms. I'm kinda scared. It's likely this is going to be a nightmare. I just need somewhere I can live without having to pay rent so I can actually catch up on my bills and save something. It's just getting too hard living like this. It's just one thing after the next and I'm so overwhelmed. Everything in my life seems to be crashing. My username has never been so fitting as it is now. I'm too stubborn and I have to just give in. I can't fix my situation like this. I just want to be on even ground again. How could I have let my life get this messed up? I feel so pathetic. I get depressed and then I shut down. shit...make a plan elyse...

Today I will...

1. clean this friggen room. it's so simple to do. I clean all day elsewhere so why am i living in a mess here?!
2. Polish my damn resume and cover letter. It will take 15 friggen minutes.
3. Send it to that job posting. Do not put it off until it's too late!

Future life revamping plans...

1. Move home. I will be strong and gracious and I will not engage pointless fights.
2. Catch up on these car payments....and just work on paying off the thing. If I have no rent then that is what I'm going to put my money towards.
3. Go to school. I'm smart and I work very hard so I have the capacity to do something I'm proud of and do it well. <-- that one makes me cry a little. There are ways to do it, so figure it out.

do eeeet! ;D

[Crashtastic]

Moving home in a week and for the first time in more than a year I feel relief. I'm finally going to get a little bit of a break. Bad part is that it really is not an ideal living space. Everything is dirty A house with all messy boys is gross.

This is bad, but I can never seem to help myself...I met someone and they already want to move in together and I find myself considering it. I mean he seems like a good guy but I don't know him well at all. He rides race bikes and travels...and he wants me to go with him. I wanna ride on a bike!

How the hell do you find the strength to resist this stuff? Am I even supposed to. I mean, maybe I should just go with the flow and do it. You only get one life. But it also feels like it would be a bad choice...I mean not good to just rush into.

If there could be something there, rushing into it can ruin it. He doesn't seem all that mature in some relationship ways and honestly I don't think I am either. I mean I can write down the ways that I think are the right ways to go about it, but when I'm in it everything changes. I'll be making the bad choices knowing in the back of my mind the result and still make those decisions. It's so bizarre that I am a shy person, but I'm so prone to taking these risks. I can be so fricken impulsive. I'm stuck in this place where I want to make better decisions, but then I go back to just wanting to do what I want in the moment. I'm getting too old for this. Even, if I were to move in with him, it wouldn't be for at least a few months and I could always leave my stuff at my dad's so that I'd have there to go back to if things don't work out. I don't know what I want. Well, I know that I think I'd like some stability, but my actions always say otherwise. Maybe I actually like the risk

No no no...I'm going to take time. It can wait. If it's worth it, he will wait for me to be ready. If not, then too fucking bad. It's not as much of a risk anymore though. I keep thinking about this in a survival sense. I have a fall back. Things wont crash if it doesn't work out. I can just go back home. Ugh I will get to the boring responsible stage of my life eventually...but I'm not ready yet

I don't know if anyone else has this back and forth thought process, but this is how my brain works on a daily basis lol Blah. I make this stuff too big of a deal. I'll just see what happens and deal with it as it comes.

[Crashtastic]

Excuse the above post...holy crap, I have moments of crazy...

[missklew]

Dec 12, 2012 21:14:11 GMT -5 Crashtastic said:

Moving home in a week and for the first time in more than a year I feel relief. I'm finally going to get a little bit of a break. Bad part is that it really is not an ideal living space. Everything is dirty A house with all messy boys is gross.

This is bad, but I can never seem to help myself...I met someone and they already want to move in together and I find myself considering it. I mean he seems like a good guy but I don't know him well at all. He rides race bikes and travels...and he wants me to go with him. I wanna ride on a bike!

How the hell do you find the strength to resist this stuff? Am I even supposed to. I mean, maybe I should just go with the flow and do it. You only get one life. But it also feels like it would be a bad choice...I mean not good to just rush into.

If there could be something there, rushing into it can ruin it. He doesn't seem all that mature in some relationship ways and honestly I don't think I am either. I mean I can write down the ways that I think are the right ways to go about it, but when I'm in it everything changes. I'll be making the bad choices knowing in the back of my mind the result and still make those decisions. It's so bizarre that I am a shy person, but I'm so prone to taking these risks. I can be so fricken impulsive. I'm stuck in this place where I want to make better decisions, but then I go back to just wanting to do what I want in the moment. I'm getting too old for this. Even, if I were to move in with him, it wouldn't be for at least a few months and I could always leave my stuff at my dad's so that I'd have there to go back to if things don't work out. I don't know what I want. Well, I know that I think I'd like some stability, but my actions always say otherwise. Maybe I actually like the risk

No no no...I'm going to take time. It can wait. If it's worth it, he will wait for me to be ready. If not, then too fucking bad. It's not as much of a risk anymore though. I keep thinking about this in a survival sense. I have a fall back. Things wont crash if it doesn't work out. I can just go back home. Ugh I will get to the boring responsible stage of my life eventually...but I'm not ready yet

I don't know if anyone else has this back and forth thought process, but this is how my brain works on a daily basis lol Blah. I make this stuff too big of a deal. I'll just see what happens and deal with it as it comes.

Back in the day I did quite a bit of impulsive things. I don't have any regrets. I think i would get to lknow a guy more before running away with him. romance that start quickly tend to end as quickly

[Knox]

Dec 14, 2012 16:10:47 GMT -5 Crashtastic said:

Excuse the above post...holy crap, I have moments of crazy...

Oh.. that's okay... If I said half of the thoughts that run through head out loud, I would have been locked up a long time ago! ;D

[Crashtastic]

Dec 15, 2012 9:53:07 GMT -5 missklew said:

Back in the day I did quite a bit of impulsive things. I don't have any regrets. I think i would get to lknow a guy more before running away with him. romance that start quickly tend to end as quickly

You are absolutely right! I'm back to focusing on myself. It's hard to do. I know it's the right thing, but I stray from it so easily. It's scary for some reason. I guess I feel like I spent so much time being by myself, I'm afraid I'll stay that way. I've never spent much of my adult life with that focus. That's were it counts. It's just been proved to me again that in order to have the life that I want I have to address the things that need to be done for myself. I'm getting there slowly.

I have to remember that I can't skip ahead!

[missklew]

Jan 12, 2013 21:06:23 GMT -5 Crashtastic said:

You are absolutely right! I'm back to focusing on myself. It's hard to do. I know it's the right thing, but I stray from it so easily. It's scary for some reason. I guess I feel like I spent so much time being by myself, I'm afraid I'll stay that way. I've never spent much of my adult life with that focus. That's were it counts. It's just been proved to me again that in order to have the life that I want I have to address the things that need to be done for myself. I'm getting there slowly.

I have to remember that I can't skip ahead!

It may be lonely but I'd rather be alone than with someone in a bad relationship.

My daughter ran off with some guy she dated in high school. I tried to get her to wait 6 months and get to know him again. She hadn't been around him in 10 years.

She didn't listen and snuck off and married him 10 days later. She quickly got pregnant on purpose.

It's been over a year later and she found out her "soulmate" was a deadbeat who won't work a steady job, has a serious drug addiction (bath salts) and has his mother pay his way in life including his child support for the 2 other kids. Now she feels trapped and stuck with him as she has a little baby to take care of.

It breaks my heart to see her wasting her life on these pathetic bums who aren't good enough to sniff her farts.

You can never go wrong by keeping your standards high.