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Post by Crashtastic on Jan 27, 2013 21:13:56 GMT -5
You are absolutely right! I'm back to focusing on myself. It's hard to do. I know it's the right thing, but I stray from it so easily. It's scary for some reason. I guess I feel like I spent so much time being by myself, I'm afraid I'll stay that way. I've never spent much of my adult life with that focus. That's were it counts. It's just been proved to me again that in order to have the life that I want I have to address the things that need to be done for myself. I'm getting there slowly.  I have to remember that I can't skip ahead! It may be lonely but I'd rather be alone than with someone in a bad relationship. My daughter ran off with some guy she dated in high school. I tried to get her to wait 6 months and get to know him again. She hadn't been around him in 10 years. She didn't listen and snuck off and married him 10 days later. She quickly got pregnant on purpose. It's been over a year later and she found out her "soulmate" was a deadbeat who won't work a steady job, has a serious drug addiction (bath salts) and has his mother pay his way in life including his child support for the 2 other kids. Now she feels trapped and stuck with him as she has a little baby to take care of. It breaks my heart to see her wasting her life on these pathetic bums who aren't good enough to sniff her farts. You can never go wrong by keeping your standards high. When you put it that way, I guess I'm kinda fortunate that some of my relationships didn't work out. Last long term relationship was with a guy who smoked pot every friggen day. He had a job and everything but of course that was something that worried the crap out of me. Soo much of his money went into weed. All of it is so obvious it fascinates me. If I was someone else in some of the relationships I've been in I'd be like run! Its so different when its me, I'm get blind. Sorry for anyone who reads my post and goes god is this all she talks about! lol I need a record somewhere that I can look back I guess and I don't know I like that there is someone somewhere that knows |
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Post by Crashtastic on Jan 28, 2013 1:11:53 GMT -5
So for the record, I'm going to talk about what happened to motorcycle dude. Like I said in another post, he dumped me by not talking to me for a week. I texted him mid week with trivial small talk, to which i got very brief answers. I did a little detective work...well I went on the dating site that I met him and saw that he had completely updated his info, so yeah obviously looking to date other people. He said nothing to me. I had some things that I wanted back at his house, so yesterday I texted him asking for them not saying a word about anything else...he acknowledged nothing. Just told me he wouldn't be home and he would leave them at the end of the walkway in a bag. You've got to be thinking I must have done something to have him go about it this way, right? I would rub his back for literally close to an hour all the time, I made him cookies lol (they were awesome too, I bought him a rug mat because I nearly killed myself on his rug lol, I considered him, I cared for him, not out of desperation or anything like that but because I enjoy doing these things for someone. That's the kind of person I am and always have been. He did things for me too, I don't want to go into them because well it kinda hurts still. I never treated him badly...not once. His own mother, whom I really liked...I really like both of his parents, came out to say goodbye to me. She told me how she and her husband really liked me and they were sorry that it didn't work out between us. She said she thought I would have been really good for him. Very sweet woman. My shame is that this isn't the first time he tried to break it off without saying anything to me. I made the mistake of seeking out an explanation on two other occasions. I would then take him back when he came around again. Funny thing is it had come up in conversation early on about how my friend was upset because this guy just stopped talking to her after they went out a few times. I asked him light heartily if that is something he would do to me. He said no he would never do that! Liar. A few paragraphs makes it all sound simple but a lot happened between us in the two months we saw each other. I know the reasons why he wanted to move on. He wanted what he wanted when he wanted it. Thats what he was used to. He would feel like getting a new bike and then go get one the next day. I mean, there was more to him than that of course but thats what it comes down to for this. I just don't understand why he wouldn't actually say something to break up with me! I am not the type of person to freak out over a break up. I showed that with both the times he went to break up with me before! He came back! I didn't guilt him or anything, he did it all on his own! He was just immature, I guess. I don't regret the time I spent with him. I just deserved to have something said to me. He could have told me that he thought I was stupid, ugly, and smelled funny. That would have been better than just completely ignoring me. Ive thought of writing him final words several times but I think that would make it worse for me. I just want him out of my head and be done with it. I always feel weird for saying things like this but...he really didn't deserve me and it was his lose. I'm awesome...or so I've been told by the people who do love and appreciate me. They matter, not him. I'm just going to take that attitute to get over it. I'm trying my hardest not to get back on the rebound train. It's been going for quite a while and I really need to break this pattern. I get way to attatched to men way to too soon. The most frustrating part is that I keep getting away from myself. I say this now but then I get lonley and starts all over. I wish my mother was around more consistently. I really could have used her over the years. I mean she is there when I really need help, but not for any of the inbetween. This morning, I saw her when I dropped off my car to get inspected. She's helping with that and she is letting me use her older car to get to work. I talked to her a bit about it because well I was very upset. I never cry but I couldn't help it. It hurt. She lays it out so well. She just gives it to me completely straight and that is what I needed. I can think it all I want but its so different when someone just puts it out there for you to hear. Sometimes I feel like I go through this life blind. I mean I'm pretty smart...no genius but I can figure things out. Its just really hard to do on your own all the time. A little more guidence would have taken me a long way, I think. but things are kinda different now so maybe instead of focusing all my engery on relationships with guys I could attempt to put a little focus into my relationship with my mom. Hell, thats probably where a lot of my issues come from anyways...well and dad, but he's hopeless. |
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Post by Crashtastic on Jan 28, 2013 1:39:10 GMT -5
If there could be something there, rushing into it can ruin it. He doesn't seem all that mature in some relationship ways and honestly I don't think I am either. Yeah...duh elyse. I really friggen said that...CONTROL YOURSELF! lol |
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Post by Crashtastic on Feb 25, 2013 16:07:09 GMT -5
It amazes me how they always try to come back. I really don't get it. So, what is different between now and a month ago? You didn't find someone better than me? Big surprise, you're an asshole. Sorry, William...it's too late.
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Post by Crashtastic on Feb 25, 2013 19:45:10 GMT -5
I hate it. Now, I have to let go all over again. I will not and cannot accept someone back that treated me that way, but it still brings back all the emotions. I heard his voice and I wanted him. I feel sick.
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Post by Crashtastic on Apr 2, 2013 21:48:55 GMT -5
So another relationship down haha Damn I can go through em. I'm dissapointed but at the same time, I'm not. I started seeing this guy right after the last. But he broke up with me...because he wasnt feeling a connection. Neither was I. I mean he was a nice guy but just as boring as I am. lol I don't know, I did kinda like him though. I was starting to at least. Blah, I was just thinking last week that I couldn't see myself ever falling in love with him.
It's getting easier. Breakups. And its getting easier to think of spending time by myself. I can't say if I'm there yet. I want to be but I've said it so many times before. I'm just so attatched to the idea of having someone be there for me. I get so lonely and when you are with someone you know you have someone who youre going to have to go to...its a comfort. I'm so miserable all the time and that is the only remedy I've ever found, at least while its good. I mean i know where all this comes from. I have such abandonment issues, I sometimes feel desperate for someone who wont leave and with men....they can come and go. It's not going to help, it just hurts. It makes it harder to trust. I want to be hands free happy! I'm so scared I'll never be.
I'm going to have to figure out how to be happy on my own because I can't help but feel its how I belong. There is something with me that is wrong. Something missing maybe. I have good qualities, so why doesn't it ever seem to work out with anyone. I can barely make it past a year in relationship and there was only what 2 of those? I probably haven't found the right person blah blah but I don't think the right person exists. Internet dating sucks and I can't date anyone in everyday life. If I like them at all I avoid them lol I'm so frustrated. All I want is a friggen partner whom I can have a life with. I don't want to do this alone! I'm not the type of person who does well on their own. I'm just not. What the fuck is wrong with me and how do I fix it....can I fix it?
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Post by Crashtastic on Apr 13, 2013 9:52:20 GMT -5
Welp its been 10 days and I haven't looked around for guys lol Do they have an AA equivalent for this stuff? Meh anyways, I don't really have the urge anymore. It's weird. Maybe, I've finally had enough. Well I mean I do have the urge but I let it pass and then I come to this place where I'm like, holy crap I can actually focus on other things....like myself. Its kinda scary, but also exciting...I guess lol I keep going back and forth. I finally started to eat healthier again! It's one of those things that I kept saying to myself, I've got to do that again!...but never do. Really does make you feel better physically. I wake up in the morning and maybe its in my head but I think I look at things a bit more positive. Ugh but I have nightmares at night now. I can't remember details but they are always like social interactions gone wrong lol Some guy at this new place I work said to me as I was walking by first thing in the morning, "Hey, you never talk and that's a bad thing." I just shrugged my shoulders and told him "Meh, it is what it is." I'm not ashamed of that. I can see where it has its disadvantages, but why is it a bad thing? lol I have been shutting people out since I started there in the way that I don't make eye contact and never smile. Someone will usually come up to you if you do those things at some point. So I started doing that, because I guess when he said it it made me realize that I was being a complete recluse and i made some conversations lol I wasn't going to talk to him though. He tried twice more and he got one word answers. Next time if you're trying to talk to me maybe start with hi, how are you? or ya know something not insulting part of my personality! I'll be far more likely to respond. The most exciting part about not being in a relationship is that my mind will finally be freed up to think about other things. I was/am obsessed. Maybe I'll become a real person Hot damn those are some rambles! ;D |
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Post by Crashtastic on Jul 17, 2013 22:54:54 GMT -5
I'm all registered to go back to school for next month! It's going to take me like four years for just an associates but what the hey lol I'm only going part time so I guess it's to be expected to take a while. I didn't do completely horrible in being placed for classes either. I'm at least on college level with reading and writing....not so much math...stupid math. Still did better than I thought I would though! Yay, my brain still works! lol Oh oh I've also gone nearly a month without smoking. Stopped that cold turkey like a boss. AND I've been going back to the gym every other day with my younger brother. I'm doing good, folks....I better keep this up! Ooo something random, be wary of aloe vera drinks. I like strange drinks. I bought a bunch of them the other week and all of a sudden I started getting these boils and lesions on my legs mostly. Looked it up and apparently they can indeed cause all that nonsense. I'm starting to heal but holy crap it's not comfortable and I'm mega pissed. Normally I would look something like this up to see if there are actual health benefits or if its just a bunch of hooey but the one time I didn't this happens! So yeah if you're attracted to strange health drinks like myself, be careful with those ones. OH and I'll be able to get a new computer with grant money for the schoolin....oh my goodness you have no idea how much this keyboard pisses me off. I have to press each key with force....so many words go without the proper letters....I will be a happy girl....exhaused from work and school....but happy? ...wishful thinking? Hot damn, I'm amped from gyming! wooo! lol Tomorrow morning will be rough... |
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Post by Crashtastic on Nov 22, 2013 22:25:19 GMT -5
Ugh, my luck. I've slowly been entering the dating world again. I dated a writer for a little while, but that fizzled. Now I've been talking to a guy for a few weeks and I just went out with him the other day. He seemed really nice and like a good guy. I met him on POF, but I just looked him up on okcupid (apparently same username)and you know how okcupid has all those questions that you answer...well they can be quite the useful screener. He's super conservative, very religious, hates gay people....doesn't believe in evolution.... So yeah that's the end of that. Writing this down, it really makes the problem seem like not one at all. I just hate dating. Of course you are going to find people that it won't work with, but do I really have to go through so many? It's stressful having to get to know person after person! lol You have to open up and tell them things about yourself....wonder if they will still be interested after you've been exposed. Then, the potential of actually being rejected for being yourself. I'm too sensitive for this stuff! haha Some people get lucky finding a good fit for them, but it is hard! I know what I need to do in order to find someone that I could be happy with. I need to finish school. This is no big shit because I'm just trying things out and if it doesn't work then I've still got me and I can still better myself. If I keep that up, then eventually I will find the person I've been looking for. Right? All I want out of this life is to be in a position to help other people, have one or two children, a nice relationship with one person to grow old with, and to not struggle financially. All of these goal are obtainable if I just prioritize, work hard, be patient...and DON'T GIVE UP, ELYSE! Right? |
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