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Post by nicole567 on Nov 12, 2012 21:32:36 GMT -5
I'm 20 years old and I've never had a boyfriend or even been on a date! I'm sure you already know this but I'm really shy. I'm more comfortable being alone or with the few people I'm close to.... but I really want to try dating and hopefully find someone special.
I'm in college and lately I've been going to the cafeteria and hope that I will met someone there. I've also been going to the gym they have there. (places where guys are) So, far I've had no luck and I know that I should start conversations-but of course that's extremely difficult for me.
So, I was hoping you all could give me some advice. Do you have any tips on how to start talking to guys?
I feel like asking a question is the easiest thing for me to do-- especially questions that aren't too personal. Like asking the what time it is or something. Any ideas?
Also, how did you meet you significant other?
Thanks!
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gaia
New Member
Posts: 9
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Post by gaia on Nov 14, 2012 14:16:50 GMT -5
Hi Nicole. I turned 23 10 days ago and have never had a 'proper relationship'. I've had other experiences of "seeing" men for a few weeks, but that's not a set-up that's worth getting into if you can help it! My advise to you would be not to worry too much. It can be a bit alarming when you look on facebook and see that the girl from primary school who wasn't so popular is having her second baby.. It can be easy to compare yourself to others, can't it? It's great that you want a relationship now. Start looking in places where you would like to find a man. I've chatted to men in nightclubs, even got approached in a supermarket by a guy and went out on a date with him. While i'm not knocking bars/shops for meeting people, it's not really a place where i'd necessarily meet someone with the same interests as me. Go to a place where there is already going to be a mutual interest (concert, dance class, poetry reading etc.) Questions are good. I know it's a bit corny, but the "do you come here often" isn't so bad if you say it in your own way. So if you're waiting to see a band, ask if they've seen them before. Ask them if they live locally to wherever you are. If there is someone at college, ask them what they're studying. Don't be intimidated by the fact that they're male. Just act like you're chatting to one of your normal female friends and it'll flow much easier. The thing is, you can't rush these things. I've really found that men have only come to me when i've been ready to deal with them! And I don't want to judge you by my own standards, but whatever you do, don't be tempted to just go along with people who aren't suitable just because you want to make up for lost time. I've made some really big mistakes that way, and ended up getting really hurt by men who I didn't really find attractive at all (physically or mentally).
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Post by Karen on Nov 15, 2012 15:54:16 GMT -5
I agree with everything Gaia said. It's really good advice. Since you're in college, maybe you could try joining a group of some sort, that way, there is already something to talk about with the people there. Good luck! And welcome to SU!
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Post by putter65 on Nov 16, 2012 15:33:50 GMT -5
Hi Karen !
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Post by Karen on Nov 16, 2012 16:09:47 GMT -5
Hey Putter Hope life has been treating you well lately!
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Post by putter65 on Nov 16, 2012 16:29:42 GMT -5
the last 3 months have been good thanks !
I went thru 3 really bad experiences in the space of 18 months. So I am taking a time out from the ladies.
Hope you are well !
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Post by Karen on Nov 16, 2012 17:18:33 GMT -5
Three bad experiences in 18 months had to be stressful, maybe taking a break is just what you need. Glad things are going good for you now though!
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Post by putter65 on Nov 17, 2012 16:04:24 GMT -5
yes it is just more peacefull now and I am sleeping better. Nothing on my mind apart from my golf game !
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Post by anticrank on Nov 29, 2012 11:43:45 GMT -5
To Nicole,
Let me reassure you that it's far from unusual to be 20 and never had a previous relationship before, though it can seem like you're the only one.
Anyway, talking to guys.
AS for me and talking to girls, the biggest problem I had was feeling the need to please, feeling pressure to say the 'right' things etc.
What is the hardest bit for you? Is it knowing what to say, worry about making the wrong impression? All these things can make it nigh-impossible to have a free-flowing convo.
As for starting conversations with strangers, I would say the best thing is making an interrogative, impersonal comment about the situation you're in. For instance, about how crowded it is 'not as busy in here as last week' or about the music (in a bar; 'I've not seen so-and-so band here before'), or about the price of the food. You get the gist? It could be anything based on observations about your immediate environment, people, the atmosphere, even the weather. This has the beauty of being relatively impersonal, non-threatening and low-pressure, low-risk, unlike direct questions. Keep it simple.
As for access to guys, do you know any friends that could introduce you to someone? For instance, have you suggested doing an activity such as bowling, or a night out. Why not bring so-and-so along, ask them to bring their friends? Is this an option for you? Do you have the kind of social circle that would do that. I personally think that this can be a good way. It's far lower pressure than meeting someone from cold because you have the mutual friend aspect. In fact, a lot of people do in fact meet their girlfriends/boyfriends like this.
What about dance classes? Could this be an option, would it appeal to you? I did salsa dancing for a while, it's great fun, and for me, it helped me feel a lot more confident around women.
One more thing, what sort of guys would you like to meet, what do you find attractive? What sort of personality traits are you drawn to?
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