Post by Audio the obscure on May 28, 2013 0:04:08 GMT -5
....or something like that.
I've actually been quite depressed for the last year or so. The reason I didn't put it in my intro post back on here was when I said I was feeling better, I meant feeling better from something else of a mental nature other than depression. It's just difficult to put these feelings into the right words.
What clinched it for me tonight was, I was looking on soundcloud just before making this post as I saw some entries in the creative thread which had their source as soundcloud; and anyway, I went in there, browsing all around, and reading about sharing the music and all that. And then I thought: no thanks. Now that is something different for me as for years I've been wanting to do more with my music (songs, guitar, singing, etc.). If I had had the technology we have now when I was in my 20s, even early 30s, I'd be hopping with ambition to get it all recorded and distributed, and so on.
Another thing that's bothering me is, I realize I cannot really be as open on here as I'd like to be, for fear I might offend someone or maybe even more than one. It's a big worry I have, among all the other worries. Plus I find I just don't have the knack of expressing myself the way I feel on here. Some posters, one who left a few months ago, I find are or were very good at expressing their innermost feelings on here which I find very remarkable and my hat's off to them for being able to do just that.
I am still feeling very much alone and it's not getting any better. I am still living at the same place I was living when I was on here a few years ago, adn the trouble with noise still exists. Plus I have a new irritation: the others will not help out with some of the household chores, namely garbage removal, that are to be shared among all of us. It gets left up to me, and I don't always feel well physically. My family is continuing to be the same way toward me: namely that aunt I mentioned when I was in here before. We have not spoken or seen each other for going on 4 years now. I have made overture after overture in snail mail letters (she does not have internet) and in telephone calls on my part, with her not writing nor phoning me back in response. To my knowledge I have done nothing bad to her nor to her family to warrant the way she is treating me. I am tired. I also wish I did not exist (I will probably get my wish at some point, even not by my own hand). My whole life has been one big failure for the most part (except that I did do well in grade and high school, and in college). I know one poster says life is how you see it. I'm one who would like to "make things happen", but just do not have the strength nor the wherewithall to motivate myself to "make life happen". Throughout my life, I have occasionally gone after whatever it was I wanted. Sometimes I got it. Sometimes I wish I hadn't "gotten it". Now I'm just tired. I told "someone" I wish things had stayed the same with me in the 80s, instead of the change in move that I'd made to the city I (still) reside in. I apologize for the vagueness of my post. It illustrates what I said earlier about not being good at opening up on here, saying my innermost feelings, something like that. My doctor is no help at all. Anything I tell her just falls on deaf ears, not literally of course. She just wants to put me on medication. I myself am stubborn about that. It's not that I hate pills. I just hate pills for ME,, that's all. I am what the medical community would call a bad patient, noncompliant, I think that is the word. I dislike very much asking people for favours, so I am very much alone. I came back on here because I miss people on here and I need a little emotional (or whatever) support myself. I read a lot of people's posts since I came back in here and I can relate to so many of them, especially in the rant thread here. If/when I misspell anything it will more than likely be because of my bad eyesight and/or this computer I have (another laptop) adding letters, etc. Here it is almost 2 am my time, and I still can't get sleepy enough to fall asleep. And last night my sleep was so fitful I kept waking up every few hours. When I wake up in the middle of the night or the wee hours of the morning, I feel nervous and apprehensive or worried. It's an awful feeling that I'd give anything not to have. I wish I could go to sleep peacefully and contentedly; and wake up 6 or 7 hours later at peace and not feeling afraid, dread, worried about my lack of postive accomplishment in my life. I sure hope I didn't bore you guys with this post. I hope I haven't ranted too soon for my recent return to su. The feeling of utter hopelessness I've been feeling for the past year is the worst feeling I've ever had in my entire life. I did have a similar experience winter 92/93,, but came out of it in April that year. This one however, being somewhat less intense in physical manifestations (fast heartbeat, no appetite) than at that time, but it is of longer duration, unfortunately. I'd give anything if I could feel hope and happiness and peace again. Thx for reading.
I've actually been quite depressed for the last year or so. The reason I didn't put it in my intro post back on here was when I said I was feeling better, I meant feeling better from something else of a mental nature other than depression. It's just difficult to put these feelings into the right words.
What clinched it for me tonight was, I was looking on soundcloud just before making this post as I saw some entries in the creative thread which had their source as soundcloud; and anyway, I went in there, browsing all around, and reading about sharing the music and all that. And then I thought: no thanks. Now that is something different for me as for years I've been wanting to do more with my music (songs, guitar, singing, etc.). If I had had the technology we have now when I was in my 20s, even early 30s, I'd be hopping with ambition to get it all recorded and distributed, and so on.
Another thing that's bothering me is, I realize I cannot really be as open on here as I'd like to be, for fear I might offend someone or maybe even more than one. It's a big worry I have, among all the other worries. Plus I find I just don't have the knack of expressing myself the way I feel on here. Some posters, one who left a few months ago, I find are or were very good at expressing their innermost feelings on here which I find very remarkable and my hat's off to them for being able to do just that.
I am still feeling very much alone and it's not getting any better. I am still living at the same place I was living when I was on here a few years ago, adn the trouble with noise still exists. Plus I have a new irritation: the others will not help out with some of the household chores, namely garbage removal, that are to be shared among all of us. It gets left up to me, and I don't always feel well physically. My family is continuing to be the same way toward me: namely that aunt I mentioned when I was in here before. We have not spoken or seen each other for going on 4 years now. I have made overture after overture in snail mail letters (she does not have internet) and in telephone calls on my part, with her not writing nor phoning me back in response. To my knowledge I have done nothing bad to her nor to her family to warrant the way she is treating me. I am tired. I also wish I did not exist (I will probably get my wish at some point, even not by my own hand). My whole life has been one big failure for the most part (except that I did do well in grade and high school, and in college). I know one poster says life is how you see it. I'm one who would like to "make things happen", but just do not have the strength nor the wherewithall to motivate myself to "make life happen". Throughout my life, I have occasionally gone after whatever it was I wanted. Sometimes I got it. Sometimes I wish I hadn't "gotten it". Now I'm just tired. I told "someone" I wish things had stayed the same with me in the 80s, instead of the change in move that I'd made to the city I (still) reside in. I apologize for the vagueness of my post. It illustrates what I said earlier about not being good at opening up on here, saying my innermost feelings, something like that. My doctor is no help at all. Anything I tell her just falls on deaf ears, not literally of course. She just wants to put me on medication. I myself am stubborn about that. It's not that I hate pills. I just hate pills for ME,, that's all. I am what the medical community would call a bad patient, noncompliant, I think that is the word. I dislike very much asking people for favours, so I am very much alone. I came back on here because I miss people on here and I need a little emotional (or whatever) support myself. I read a lot of people's posts since I came back in here and I can relate to so many of them, especially in the rant thread here. If/when I misspell anything it will more than likely be because of my bad eyesight and/or this computer I have (another laptop) adding letters, etc. Here it is almost 2 am my time, and I still can't get sleepy enough to fall asleep. And last night my sleep was so fitful I kept waking up every few hours. When I wake up in the middle of the night or the wee hours of the morning, I feel nervous and apprehensive or worried. It's an awful feeling that I'd give anything not to have. I wish I could go to sleep peacefully and contentedly; and wake up 6 or 7 hours later at peace and not feeling afraid, dread, worried about my lack of postive accomplishment in my life. I sure hope I didn't bore you guys with this post. I hope I haven't ranted too soon for my recent return to su. The feeling of utter hopelessness I've been feeling for the past year is the worst feeling I've ever had in my entire life. I did have a similar experience winter 92/93,, but came out of it in April that year. This one however, being somewhat less intense in physical manifestations (fast heartbeat, no appetite) than at that time, but it is of longer duration, unfortunately. I'd give anything if I could feel hope and happiness and peace again. Thx for reading.
