Post by thatguy on Jul 22, 2015 15:16:17 GMT -5
Squillions of years ago, I joined this forum as TheDMan05. At the time I didn't even feel comfortable talking to my parents, let alone anyone else. I was a typical socially anxious guy really: didn't go out; didn't socialise; dreaded school, college (the British kind, not the American kind) and then, eventually, work; always dwelling on conversations; always staying quiet. Didn't think I'd ever get over it.
That was in 2005. A few years later I read a self-help book on social anxiety. It pointed out something that never even occurred to me. Other people aren't always thinking about me. They aren't always thinking about how I messed up, or how annoying I am. They had their own lives and worries that were much more important to them. It's obvious when you think about it. Other people make mistakes all the time. You might even notice them make a social mistake, but a minute later, you've already forgotten it because it just isn't important. Even when you do notice their mistakes, I'm guessing you don't think any less of them, just as most people don't think less of you (there will always be the exceptions, the people who have such pathetically small lives that they feel they have to make fun of other people. Personally, if someone tries to make fun of me, their opinion automatically becomes nothing to me. They're an irrelevance).
It was a revelation for me. With that I realised that I could stop thinking about my own mistakes (both imagined and real) and stop dwelling on things. It wasn't as simple as just turning it off, of course. It was like a compulsion, I felt I had to dwell. But everytime I started dwelling I would tell myself not to and I would remember that I was the only person thinking about that particular conversation. It became easier, over time, to let go of the thoughts, and eventually they stopped coming.
By 2012 I thought I was over my anxiety problems completely. I suppose I was. But I hadn't actually changed my behaviour. I still wasn't going out and meeting people. In 2010 I had quit my job to do a science degree. It was home study, so I hadn't really been out much for two years at that point. Then I started volunteering at a museum and I realised that although I was no longer afraid of meeting people, I was simply no good at sociallising. I couldn't hold a conversation, and that became a real problem for my self-esteem. I really felt I would never get better at them.
Luckily, the curator I was volunteering with encouraged to go out with the group to the pub one evening (it helped that I had a crush on her). I went, I talked a little bit and left early, but it helped me realise that socialising wasn't something I had to avoid. So afterwards, I joined a Meetup group for shy people, and started going out more. Before long I realised I actually enjoyed it and I became better at conversations.
These days I quite like meeting new people and getting to know them. I do occasionally have problems; I sometimes stumble over my words. But it isn't something that bothers me, and I certainly don't dwell on it.
It can get better. But you have to work at it.
That was in 2005. A few years later I read a self-help book on social anxiety. It pointed out something that never even occurred to me. Other people aren't always thinking about me. They aren't always thinking about how I messed up, or how annoying I am. They had their own lives and worries that were much more important to them. It's obvious when you think about it. Other people make mistakes all the time. You might even notice them make a social mistake, but a minute later, you've already forgotten it because it just isn't important. Even when you do notice their mistakes, I'm guessing you don't think any less of them, just as most people don't think less of you (there will always be the exceptions, the people who have such pathetically small lives that they feel they have to make fun of other people. Personally, if someone tries to make fun of me, their opinion automatically becomes nothing to me. They're an irrelevance).
It was a revelation for me. With that I realised that I could stop thinking about my own mistakes (both imagined and real) and stop dwelling on things. It wasn't as simple as just turning it off, of course. It was like a compulsion, I felt I had to dwell. But everytime I started dwelling I would tell myself not to and I would remember that I was the only person thinking about that particular conversation. It became easier, over time, to let go of the thoughts, and eventually they stopped coming.
By 2012 I thought I was over my anxiety problems completely. I suppose I was. But I hadn't actually changed my behaviour. I still wasn't going out and meeting people. In 2010 I had quit my job to do a science degree. It was home study, so I hadn't really been out much for two years at that point. Then I started volunteering at a museum and I realised that although I was no longer afraid of meeting people, I was simply no good at sociallising. I couldn't hold a conversation, and that became a real problem for my self-esteem. I really felt I would never get better at them.
Luckily, the curator I was volunteering with encouraged to go out with the group to the pub one evening (it helped that I had a crush on her). I went, I talked a little bit and left early, but it helped me realise that socialising wasn't something I had to avoid. So afterwards, I joined a Meetup group for shy people, and started going out more. Before long I realised I actually enjoyed it and I became better at conversations.
These days I quite like meeting new people and getting to know them. I do occasionally have problems; I sometimes stumble over my words. But it isn't something that bothers me, and I certainly don't dwell on it.
It can get better. But you have to work at it.
It's always great to hear how people are doing! And what has gotten people through.