Am I going about this the wrong way

[iroseiroared2]

Ok like my friend keeps on asking me to go to this bar/restaurant with her to see her sing karaoke. Of course people will be drinking there, and I absolutely DESPISE bar settings. EVerytime I go, I usually end up crying or walking out. People always comment that I'm quiet, I get looks, I feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable, and I want to leave. It's like the feeling you get sitting alone at the lunch table in school. She's like, "Oh but you won't even come see me sing." I feel bad but i can't do it.

It's said that exposure helps but for me in this kind of situation, it doesn't. Especially if you're not prepared and just go throw yourself into it, it makes it even worse. Last time I went to a bar with my friends, I ended up sitting outside inthe parking lot for about an hour by myself, and crying. I couldn't stand it. Another time I went, people made comments to my friend, like, "OH so you finally got her up to dance." Then when I WAS up there trying to dance, a lady was commenting, like trying to tell me to get more into it or something. It's like please be happy I fucking got up here.

So basically what I'm trying to say is that the way I go about things anymore is that I avoid what is uncomfortable. When I go away, I am a loner. I go hand out in the city by myself, I go to the concert and become a totally outgoing crazy happy person, one who fits in with the crowd for once! then when it's over I go back to my antisocial self. I know this probably makes no sense but the music can move me like no other, and I don't care who's watching because I'm going to dance to my heart's content. But otherwise, I can't do things that are social. Is it wrong for me to just go away by myself and avoid people and be afraid and not talk to them, and not experience anything except for what I'm comfortable with ? I feel like I should be doing more. And it makes me kinda feel lonely that I can't be into more things that these other people are.

[shyni]

I don't quite understand why you end up crying. Is it because bars really make you feel that unconfortable? I think that if you feel you don't belong there and you know that you are not going to have a good time you probably shouldn't go or you could go and see your sing and then leave...(it doesn't make a lot of sence but it could work). You could also go and promise yourself that this time things are going to be different and don't pay attention to other's comments.

[iroseiroared2]

I have tried a few times to go and try to enjoy but it always ends up badly.

I cry because i hate when people tell me I'm quiet, it makes me feel SO bad. Even the one place I went to, the pianist made fun of the way I was sitting there! I cry because I always feel like the out-of-place one, it just feels so rotten, and people almost always comment on it and that makes me feel really really horrible.

[shyni]

OH Gosh! I wish I could tell you to go and change your attitude and dress pretty and sexy so you would feel more confident (it works for me) but honestly if I were you I think I wouldn't go because you aren't going to have fun so it would be like torturing yourself. I also try to avoid situations that cause me great distress that's why I never go out. I think you sholdn't go and your friend should understand it.

[Tal]

If it makes you that upset, then you really shouldn't be going to these places. It's better to sit on your own than do that.

[Owen]

I wouldn't go, if it made you feel that uncomfortable then it’s clearly not worth doing. The next time your friend asks you to go explain why you don't want to, if she isn't ok with it then she’s clearly not friend material.

I spent the whole first year of university avoiding going any where near a club, simply because I knew how much I'd hate it. Eventually I caved because of a friends birthday (I felt guilty saying no), the moment I got there I knew it was all wrong for me, I couldn't breath and I started to feel sick. After an hour and a half it became just too much and I left.........alone.

Now there’s the other problem with doing things that make you feel so bad, you become extremely vulnerable, and being alone and vulnerable is not a good combination.

For example, I walked through Birmingham city centre alone that night, but because I wasn't thinking straight I ended up straying from the busy areas. Long and short of it I got mugged.

And trust me, the mental scars something like that leaves aren't worth anything. So if you are finding yourself alone in the car park for an hour when you go to these things, then to me, it’s clearly not worth it.

[gSteve]

If I hated it that much I probably wouldn't go, Is there anything else you can do with this friend that doesn't involve a bar?

[Twice-Shy]

If your friend understands how it really makes you feel... then she shouldn' t ask that of a friend. Plus, if she does... then you need to be as self - centered as the friend and think about yourself first. I could never ask someone to put themselves through such agony for me, or anyone else, for that matter.

[Samantha]

Exposure therapy only really works if you expose yourself consistently. Also the more you get up and dance it will become normal and so others won't comment on it etc.

Whether you should go depends on you. If you would like to go if it wasn't so traumatic then it may be worth sticking at it. Go reguarly and consistently, eventually it will become normal and who knows once past all the crap you will probably even start enjoying it.

If however you would have no desire to go even if it wasn't a problem then I personally wouldn't go.

As to whether good friends would understand well that's not so simple. There is truth and logic to it but I have been hassled to go out on many occasions and ended up having a great time. A great time which I wouldnt of had if they had just given up looked out for what I wanted.

Harrassment or encouragement? Selfish or supportive? I guess it depends on whether you end up having a good time or not. How much have some of us missed out on due to fear. Is it really a good friend who lets that continue?

[nameless]

i used to feel the same, im not suggesting anything but for me, i really didnt like the people that kept asking me, they always told me i was "letting the team down" etc. by not going.

i always got comments about me as well but the fact of the matter was that i didnt particularly want to be there!

[Reflection]

This probably isn't the best of ideas, but nothing helps my shyness more than alcohol. I am a social butterfly when I am under the influence. Then again, I have to be pretty trashed for it to take full effect. I wouldn't really recommend getting drunk unless you you've done it before and know how you'll react.

[k151]

owen said:

I wouldn't go, if it made you feel that uncomfortable then it’s clearly not worth doing. The next time your friend asks you to go explain why you don't want to, if she isn't ok with it then she’s clearly not friend material.

I spent the whole first year of university avoiding going any where near a club, simply because I knew how much I'd hate it. Eventually I caved because of a friends birthday (I felt guilty saying no), the moment I got there I knew it was all wrong for me, I couldn't breath and I started to feel sick. After an hour and a half it became just too much and I left.........alone.

Now there’s the other problem with doing things that make you feel so bad, you become extremely vulnerable, and being alone and vulnerable is not a good combination.

For example, I walked through Birmingham city centre alone that night, but because I wasn't thinking straight I ended up straying from the busy areas. Long and short of it I got mugged.

And trust me, the mental scars something like that leaves aren't worth anything. So if you are finding yourself alone in the car park for an hour when you go to these things, then to me, it’s clearly not worth it.

I was talking about how I avoid things with my parents (like, discussing the topic, with my parents, I don't avoid them lol).
My dad always says "you're only 17 once..." and blah blah, well, maybe I don't WANT to be 17 anymore. I'm tired of all the bullshit. People still act like morons, even I do sometimes. "You should be out having fun" well when I go out, it's rarely fun, unless it's just with my friends or if i'm good and drunk.
Legal drinking age here is 18 BTW, so i'm not far off.
My dad said he was sometimes like that and still is, he told me to always have a way out. Always have my car there, or make sure I could walk home. So if I didn't like it, I could just leave.

Thing about it is, I can't always leave even if the physical means is there. I was SO horrible at my girlfriend's house when her friends and my friends were there too. It felt stuffy and like someone else said, like I was sitting at the lunch table alone. But how could I leave? This was before we were actually going out and I really, really liked her, but I was SO nervous all the time. That was so hard, I liked her so much but almost passed out from how nervous I was. I was sitting on the couch nearly shaking, it was horrible.

If I was at a bar, I would make sure I could leave and if I had to, I would. I think my social skills are less adequate than I thought, they really are no good. If there isn't a solid topic that's already in motion, I can't get a good one going.
I don't think my parents realize how little I can actually socialize with people. How can I ever be successful when i'm like this? I have to talk to them again.