uncomfortable situations - please read!

[trapped1984]

Hi there folks! I just thought i would write this post because at the moment i am facing an uncomfortabe situation at my new job.
I started this new job a few days ago and we are currently undergoing classroom based training. It shouldn't really be that much of an uncomfortable situation for me becuase there are only ten people in the class, it's just that over half the people there are quite loud and confident with themsleves and have started to form small groups and i just feel so uncomfortable when we are in class and people are having a discussion with eachother etc and speaking out, and i am just sat there like a lemon with nothing to say. At times i wish that the whole class were just mute and just got on with there work, but i know that is not the right way to grow, i just hate it and get jeleous i suppose when there are people more confident with bigger personalities then me, and it just makes me really uncomfortable. On my breaks i dont bother mixing i just go off by myself because i dont want to be put in a situation where i might make a fool of myself or come across as an awkward mess. The training is only a couple of weeks and then we will be working by ourselves so i should be able to see it through i guess. I have left so many jobs and other places because of me not fitting in because of my quietness, low confidence and dull personality and i am just really fed up of not fitting it and sick of running away each time, and i just keep thinking that people think im pathetic, unsociable and awkward because of my low self confidence, and feel that they would rather steer clear because of my awkwardness. I mean im just so so weak, even when bumping into old friends who i used to hang around with in school and know for years etc i just become awkward and dont know what to say!
Could someone please, please help me! has anyone got any suggestions for me in dealing with these situations and becoming less of a coward? I feel like im in a right rutt and am a mess!

[lightrider]

Hi Trapped.

I'm the same. You descrived EXACTLY how I would act in the same situation.

The fact is that you're brave because most of those people couldn't hack it for this long being alone like that.

I don't know if I have advice for you, but I don't think you should be the one to lose out here. Is it possible for you to not try and fit in? Maybe trying to be more comfortable going it alone?

I speak as a loner though, so you might not want to listen to my advice. Others here will definitely be more experienced. You're certainly not alone. Physically perhaps, but world ovr, there's simply thousands like you.

[KidCharlemagne]

lostmind05 said:

Hi there folks! I just thought i would write this post because at the moment i am facing an uncomfortabe situation at my new job.
I started this new job a few days ago and we are currently undergoing classroom based training. It shouldn't really be that much of an uncomfortable situation for me becuase there are only ten people in the class, it's just that over half the people there are quite loud and confident with themsleves and have started to form small groups and i just feel so uncomfortable when we are in class and people are having a discussion with eachother etc and speaking out, and i am just sat there like a lemon with nothing to say. At times i wish that the whole class were just mute and just got on with there work, but i know that is not the right way to grow, i just hate it and get jeleous i suppose when there are people more confident with bigger personalities then me, and it just makes me really uncomfortable. On my breaks i dont bother mixing i just go off by myself because i dont want to be put in a situation where i might make a fool of myself or come across as an awkward mess. The training is only a couple of weeks and then we will be working by ourselves so i should be able to see it through i guess. I have left so many jobs and other places because of me not fitting in because of my quietness, low confidence and dull personality and i am just really fed up of not fitting it and sick of running away each time, and i just keep thinking that people think im pathetic, unsociable and awkward because of my low self confidence, and feel that they would rather steer clear because of my awkwardness. I mean im just so so weak, even when bumping into old friends who i used to hang around with in school and know for years etc i just become awkward and dont know what to say!
Could someone please, please help me! has anyone got any suggestions for me in dealing with these situations and becoming less of a coward? I feel like im in a right rutt and am a mess!

You mention that over half are out-going and socially confident. Isn't there anyone more like you that you could talk to?

Also, i wouldn't worry about people thinking that you're pathetic or dull. In my experience, most people either assume that you're a little bit shy, or are less generous and put you down as a snob. Which you could view as being better or worse, i don't know. Still, no-one is going to make judgements about your life because you keep to yourself.

[itouchmyself]

YOU ARE TOTALLY THE SAME AS ME!!

i behave the same way every day at university

as for what people are thinking about u being dull......i was the same in school, just had a couple of friends........anyway i got closer 2 someone in 1 of my classes and when we were really good friends they told me that people had no idea i was shy just mean

they thought me and my friends thought we were better than everyone else

so.......people do want to engage with us shy folk but because of the signals we give out they tend to stick with their confident friends and we feel ignored

being shy sucks but try chatting to someone when theyre on thier own and they might start to include you?

kind of worked for me

hope that helped........or at least made sense

xxx

[patm3300]

shyness

[pnoopiepnats]

I learned something from a design class at uni where for the entire semester I sorta watched the class extrovert, studying what they did.

I also watched a couple people that looked extremely shy. The reason not many tried to talk to the very shy person is because their body language looked so closed off and hostile.

The outgoing person just started talking to whomever was sitting next to him. bla bla bla He didn't think about what he was saying. He wasn't saying anything important.

One time I was in the puter lab and he comes in there and he just starts going up to people he didn't know who was working and asked them stuff.

I don't say hardly anything in class but people do seem to try to talk to me. I will laugh at the profs jokes and sit up with a more open friendlier body language.

[ronw]

Greetings Trapped,
In my early days, I wondered what the hell was wrong with me that I couldn't mingle with ease like the rest of the world. Each time I'd try, frustration would happen and my self esteem would drop like a brick.

Accepting the fact I was a loner became something I had to do to survive. And that ability to accept has taken a long and winding path. The world is hard on people like us, and that is why I tend to ignore the world and focus on the part of the world I do have influence in. (But that statement is neither here nor there regarding what you want to know, but it gives you a little history on who I am.)

More to the point, your post. I relate to you very much - and here are a couple 'tales from the darkside' from my trial and error lifestyle. Hope something triggers some insight.

Present Job: Since 1990, I've been a head custodian in a public elementary school building. And while I am in a supervisory role, the 'professional' staff' has a tendency to look down on support staff, especially the custodial. And even in my position, there are times, usually when these people are irritated that things aren't entirely comfortable for them - the word 'janitor' tends to pop up. (and I correct them each time because thats not what I am.)

OK - advice: The first thing I will say, is that I am not 'cured' of the feelings that are generated when people try and put me down. I do feel bad - but I keep it inside hidden. Outside, I learn to shrug off alot of things - mainly because if I didn't, I would be a real angry person all the time. So I cannot tell you that the words and actions of other people aren't going to bother you. Each person is different, some things that bother me, you wouldn't even notice if you were in the same situation - and vise versa.

I focus totally on work, while at work. Heat problems, broken pencil sharpeners, installing cork board, snow removal, work orders, repairs repairs repairs, oh, and cleaning cleaning cleaning. Basically, I shut up and work, and ignore what isn't important.

Luckily in my environment, the silver lining is the children. They tend to be the one thing that can make it all worth while. Like this little girl with some sort of adhd related behavior problem who came up to me one day and blah blah blahed a bunch of words to me. I listened carefully all the same, and from the jumble was able to pick out a couple phrases talking about broken glasses. So I smiled and asked her, 'do you need me to try and fix your glasses?" The little girl (1st grade) nodded and handed them to me. (Needed a couple screws tightened, thats all - but to her I had 'fixed' them lol)

OK, back to the topic at hand.

How this relates to you: Ignore the problem people - even if that means the entire class, except the instructor. Ask questions as if you are the only person in the room. As for the rest of the loud mouth cliquaholics, don't let them waste your time. Take a long walk during your break by yourself. After awhile, someone might connect with you. If not, at least you didn't frustrate yourself trying to break into their established orders. The big picture here is that you are in a new job and the training is far more important than these jerks trying to remake the Jr. High pecking order. Let them do it on their own time.

Focus on the learning.

RW

[pansy]

ronw said:

Since 1990, I've been a head custodian in a public elementary school building. And while I am in a supervisory role, the 'professional' staff' has a tendency to look down on support staff, especially the custodial.

i so hate the way people are disrespected simply because of the kind of work they do. that is so wrong. such an elitist attitude. work is work. all work has dignity. and all people should be treated with dignity. i guess all you can do when you get in these situations is know this and try not to let people get to you. it sucks though.

[shytothebone]

Do they really think your pathetic and awkward? How do you know if you don't ask? You just assume this and that is where most people defeat themselves time and time again. You think about it to much instead of having focus on one or more things than just your socialness.

When they look at you they might see someone who is very focused and knowledgeable, someone that is task oriented. Could this be possible also? The reason why you think they think your pathetic and awkward is because you see yourself that way. People cant read your mind can they? By the way why should you give a shit how they think of you? They don't know what your capable of, how smart you are or what kind of person you are unless they get to know you, right?

[shypsychologyguy]

I can relate here alot. First I worked for a year with only girls (they were straight out of highschool like me). I was a loner at work and the other workers did not like me and started making fun of me. I hated time before work started when there was nothing to do but sit and talk. Since then I was transferred and I love it now and have great coworkers.

I would like to get a job over the summer but its the socializing with coworkers aspect that I am worried about cause I had such a bad experience in the past with coworkers who were selfish and took advantage of me because they new I was quiet and easygoing.

[wagnerr]

I hear you Trapped. I went through something very similar to this too in my present job, the classroom training. And yes, i know what you mean about their little social groups forming up. At the store i work in, little groups form up too. Mostly these people are bored with their work, and like to chat amonst themselves.

Ron is right; focus on your work, or something at work you can relate to more. You have to do the work, and i'm not saying don't focus on it. But everyone stops working several times in the day for a few minutes to screw around a little, for tension and stress release.

Where i work, social groups form spontaneously, and i've noticed that the people i work with in my dept do this a lot. And i don't mix with them well at all. Partly i think upbringing and attitude has a lot to do with this. They look at the small picture around them; when they're gonna get off work, and then screw around for the rest of the day and sometimes all night. Myself, i identify more with the management and the dept heads of the store; they focus on a larger picture, and think about how to do things differently. This is what i can relate to, because the social scene is not something i naturally relate to.

So i'd suggest you seek out those who would be more like yourself in your work environment, and socialize with them a little. Interesting work can be a good distraction, and this will make you feel more comfortable about the work environment you're in.

[trapped1984]

Thank you all very much for your responses. I can't express how comforting and reasurring it is to see that i am not alone with this dilema and that others also are facing or have faced the same difficuilties.
I think like you said, i should try and focus on the work instead of worrying about things etc, its just i get so uncomfortable in the class, especially when people start to talk to eachother about stuff, and at times i notice that nearly everyone is engaged in some sort of conversation and it seems im the only one who is not participating and just sat there twiddling his thumbs.
Today for example didn't start off well at all. First off all I had a really rough nights sleep ( about 3 - 4 hours tossing and turning ) and i find it extremely difficuilt to focus and communicate etc if i havn't slept well, so that didn't set me off for a good day. I then arrived at work and found that one of the quieter boys who sat next to me, who i thought i could try and make an effort and make conversation with, couldnt make it in to class that day, so he now has to start his training again in a different class. Now there are i would say only two people, including myself, who are quiet and not as confident as the others. Plus, the other person is an older man around 40 years of age, i am 21 years old and i just now especially feel like such an outsider as the others in the class are all around about my age, and mixing with eachother, and i just really can't express how down and weak the whole situation makes me feel. When they are having a discussion i am just clicking my mouse pretending to be doing something and searching the database we are supposed to be learning, but really im not focusing on the work, im just in my own world of thoughts crumbling apart and in a cloud of negativity. When the trainer was speaking today also i could not focus at all i was just in a world of my own and just felt at times like leaving the classroom and not coming back. Its funny because the first day in training i was actually speaking out and asking questions and actually being the first to try and make conversation with one or two people. The next day though i seem to have fallen into a cloud of negativity and weakness which i dont feel i can get myself out of. I mean today i might aswel have been a corpse on a stretcher in class. I tell you what i was a complete zombie. Mummified and paralyzed. To be honest i dont know if i will be going back into class tomorrow. I just think physically and mentally i cannot do it. I don't know whether i will ever get out of this whole. It's a deep one! Do you think maybe i should try to work somewhere else maybe, with abit less pressure? I did work in a small petrol station once and found that quite peaceful and unstressful. Oh, i dont know. What can i do with myself, eh! maybe throw myself over a bridge. I just hope that in the future i can get a higher self esteem and gain alot more confidence within myself! Sorry for the moan and groan folks. Just had to get it off my chest. Thanks!

[pansy]

hey, i would have been the same way if i had to do it with almost no sleep. whatever little social ability i have totally crumbles when i'm sleep deprived. but i wouldn't give up yet. i would try to get a good night's sleep and give it another try. what helps you sleep? are you avoiding caffeine in the evening? if you're feeling anxious about going in to work again, i think the best thing to do is distract yourself between now and then so you don't dwell on it. do something fun. especially if it makes you laugh. laughter reduces anxiety. ;D

[nameless]

i had nearly 2 years of that at college! i only had a few things in common with a few people but they had problems showing up at lessons!

its always difficult i find being around loud people and those that love to be the centre of attention, i just end up fading into the background!

[ASolitarySoul]

ronw said:

Greetings Trapped,
In my early days, I wondered what the hell was wrong with me that I couldn't mingle with ease like the rest of the world. Each time I'd try, frustration would happen and my self esteem would drop like a brick.

Accepting the fact I was a loner became something I had to do to survive. And that ability to accept has taken a long and winding path. The world is hard on people like us, and that is why I tend to ignore the world and focus on the part of the world I do have influence in. (But that statement is neither here nor there regarding what you want to know, but it gives you a little history on who I am.)

This particular point is MUCH more relevant than Ron seems to suggest.

Being able to “mingle with ease” is a talent that not all of us possesses
- nor is it something that can be acquired without much effort
- and perhaps impossible for an unfortunate few.

We are NOT all born equal, and there are those that seem to have a great
deal of innate social proficiency - for whom social interaction comes
quite naturally. Write it off to genetics, upbringing, or phases of
the moon - whatever the cause, it’s the effects that have the most relevance.

This is a fundamental point that I’ve been trying to make in this group
for a long time now - along with being able to accept the reality of
your own limitations.

More to the point, your post. I relate to you very much - and here are a couple 'tales from the darkside' from my trial and error lifestyle. Hope something triggers some insight.

Present Job: Since 1990, I've been a head custodian in a public elementary school building. And while I am in a supervisory role, the 'professional' staff' has a tendency to look down on support staff, especially the custodial. And even in my position, there are times, usually when these people are irritated that things aren't entirely comfortable for them - the word 'janitor' tends to pop up. (and I correct them each time because thats not what I am.)

OK - advice: The first thing I will say, is that I am not 'cured' of the feelings that are generated when people try and put me down. I do feel bad - but I keep it inside hidden. Outside, I learn to shrug off alot of things - mainly because if I didn't, I would be a real angry person all the time. So I cannot tell you that the words and actions of other people aren't going to bother you. Each person is different, some things that bother me, you wouldn't even notice if you were in the same situation - and vise versa.

I focus totally on work, while at work. Heat problems, broken pencil sharpeners, installing cork board, snow removal, work orders, repairs repairs repairs, oh, and cleaning cleaning cleaning. Basically, I shut up and work, and ignore what isn't important.

Luckily in my environment, the silver lining is the children. They tend to be the one thing that can make it all worth while. Like this little girl with some sort of adhd related behavior problem who came up to me one day and blah blah blahed a bunch of words to me. I listened carefully all the same, and from the jumble was able to pick out a couple phrases talking about broken glasses. So I smiled and asked her, 'do you need me to try and fix your glasses?" The little girl (1st grade) nodded and handed them to me. (Needed a couple screws tightened, thats all - but to her I had 'fixed' them lol)

This is also consistent with my advocacy of evaluating every situation
in terms of costs, risks, and benefits - there are pros and cons to everything - take nothing for granted.

Solitary Soul
Image Gallery -> www.silentshadowsrise.com/
All about me -> users3.ev1.net/~solitarysoul/
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