|
|
Post by Twice-Shy on Feb 11, 2006 3:18:42 GMT -5
How would you guys/gals handle a situation where a family member is trying to act like they care/or love ya, but the entire time they are playing two ends against the middle to cause you problems? Making false accusations, etc? What I am asking is: how do I deal with someone like that? Don't talk to them at all? Play their game (I am not fond of those kind of games)?, etc.  |
|
ronw
Full Member
Posts: 172
|
Post by ronw on Feb 11, 2006 5:52:33 GMT -5
Dealing with undermining people can be tricky. Trickier when that person is family - you have to tread carefully because even if you decide you no longer value that person, other family members do. With that in mind, 'playing the game' is a responsible thing to do sometimes. The key is learning to play...since I don't have an actual situation to advise you on, I'll just be generic.
First thing to remember is not to be defensive. Defensiveness puts you in a terrible position and gives this underminer all the power. The thing to do is not worry about the backstabbing that you can't do anything about anyway. Since your family knows you, they will know whats true and whats not true. And the things that they hear that bother them, well those caring individuals will probably give you a call, or pull you aside and ask you about what's being said. At that point, simply give them the truth - which is, 'so and so' isn't being truthful, and then give your side of the story.
Usually, undermining people don't just behave like this with one person - you are on a rotating 'list' of theirs and I'd be confident in believing they have undermined and lied about others - so this person has their history which others are aware of. You've heard the phrase 'consider the source'? Most people when receiving information from liars, will take the info with a grain of salt.
In the event of a blatant false accusation - especially in front of others, well, you have all the power then. I teach my son that when in the situation where a person is accusing you falsely - stick to the truth 100% even if you only remember 10% of what happened. That truthful 10% will unravel a lie single handedly. Once you add misinformation, to that 10%, you will have lost.
I'd be curious to hear more on this.
RW
|
|
|
|
Post by pnoopiepnats on Feb 12, 2006 1:44:12 GMT -5
I have dealt with this situation with family members and I found that I just had to stop sharing any personal information about what I was doing with them.
It seemed like anytime I would share what was going on in my life it became family gossip and then sometimes they would try to undermine things I was trying to do.
It took many years to get it in my head they weren't to be trusted but having done this has made my life a lot easier.
|
|
|
|
Post by iroseiroared3 on Feb 12, 2006 2:10:02 GMT -5
I think I would say I'd try to not play the game.. and I know I always say this and I shouldn't but.. don't take it personally. They probably are doing this not because they don't love you, but because they're trying to make everyone like them and not end up hating them. They're playing both sides of the fence.. that's what you mean, right? I think a lot of people have a tendency to do this (myself included), just to make themselves look good. I would stay out of it and tell them you're not going to be sociable with them and you don't want to be bothered with any part of their life until they are done with all childish games.. until they can get out all the crap they have to and work through it and become a more mature person who treats you better.. you have to show them what they're doing wrong so they realize how much they're hurting you. I hope I got what you're saying right.. good luck.  |
|
|
|
Post by wagnerr on Feb 12, 2006 22:31:22 GMT -5
i also want to apologise to all my friends here for my weird behavior for the last several months. especially the friends who i cut off without notice. i know it probably didn't make alot of sense sometimes, but i think i finally found out who my 'stalker' is, and it turned out to be the last person i suspected, the person i trusted to confess my secrets too, the 'friend' who turned out to be no friend at all. anyway, i've decided to come back to be with my SU friends and let the chips fall where they may.  No problem at all, Pea. I'm just happy to see that you're back and posting like crazy again!!! Well, i haven't been in this kind of situation before Mary, so i'm not sure what to say reall.  But if it were me, i wouldn't play their games either. I really dislike it when people try to decieve me, and i take it rather personally when people lie to me too.  But i would think the best thing to do is just to roll with their punches, while not believing what they say. |
|
|
|
Post by saphron on Feb 13, 2006 0:19:29 GMT -5
I have alot of realitives that do that. The sad thing is that I don't think of them as family at all. All I can really do is try to avoid them as much as I can and spend time with family members that really care about me.
|
|
