|
|
Post by Outcast on Mar 12, 2008 3:39:34 GMT -5
How do you keep things friendly with a girl?
Sorry if it seems like a stupid question. But i feel i'm really inexperienced when it comes to dealing with people in general.
Well, here are some examples/situations, so you may get an idea.
1. Ok , you've met this nice girl. She wants to be friends with you. But at the same time, you are attracted to her as well. As time passes, you gather enough courage to say that you like her. She is flattered, but unfortunately, she only wants to be friends for the moment. How do i go about it? If i do want to remain friends with her. But i want to be careful and not overdo things that may seem beyond friendship. Would a simple email once a month or once a week suffice? I don't want to appear too distant either.
2. Or it could be the other way around. You've met this girl. She is very friendly towards you. And she would often invite you out for snacks or movies. It seems she likes you a lot. But you don't want to lead her on. You are contented to be just friends with her. How should i handle this kind of situation?
3. Similar to #2 but slightly different. A friend tries to play matchmaker and introduces you to a girl. You like to be friends with her, but your friend suggests you try going out with the girl. If you went out with her, would this already suggest that you are courting her already?Or something like that?
I guess i'm just too conservative, so i'm not sure on how to handle situations like this.
|
|
|
|
Post by airburst on Mar 12, 2008 18:48:13 GMT -5
How do you keep things friendly with a girl? Just treat her like one of your guy friends. 1. Ok , you've met this nice girl. She wants to be friends with you. But at the same time, you are attracted to her as well. As time passes, you gather enough courage to say that you like her. She is flattered, but unfortunately, she only wants to be friends for the moment. How do i go about it? If i do want to remain friends with her. But i want to be careful and not overdo things that may seem beyond friendship. Would a simple email once a month or once a week suffice? I don't want to appear too distant either. IMO, just coming out and telling a girl you like her is a bad idea. The best way to show her that you like her is to ask her out. However, if you do want to stay friends with her then I think your idea of e-mailing her once a month (or maybe even less) is the way to go. 2. Or it could be the other way around. You've met this girl. She is very friendly towards you. And she would often invite you out for snacks or movies. It seems she likes you a lot. But you don't want to lead her on. You are contented to be just friends with her. How should i handle this kind of situation? Just hang out with like you always do, but if she does ask you out or makes a move on you, just be honest with her and tell her you only want to be friends. 3. Similar to #2 but slightly different. A friend tries to play matchmaker and introduces you to a girl. You like to be friends with her, but your friend suggests you try going out with the girl. If you went out with her, would this already suggest that you are courting her already?Or something like that? Going out with her once doesn't mean you're courting her, it just means that you guys went on one date. If you go on several dates after that, then yes it means you're courting her. Outcast, is there a girl you want to be more than just friends with? |
|
|
|
Post by annaa on Mar 13, 2008 7:03:07 GMT -5
The whole "just friends with the opposite sex" thing is difficult because different people have different opinions.
Some people think that there will always be the idea in your mind that one day you'll be a couple, while others think that it's ridiculous to even suggest that - of course you can just be friends. I think older people are more likely to think the latter.
Air Burst's advice was pretty good - but I will add one thing..
In your second scenario, you might want to be prepared for the woman to shun you after that...
Women (when I say women i'm kind of thinking girls around my age or a bit older) particularly have a bit of an "all or nothing" mentality with guys.
Personally I know that if I told a guy friend I liked him, and he told me he didn't feel the same, I wouldn't want to hang out with him so much after that... because it's embarassing, and also because I might be reading signs from him (body language, or what not) that he's changed his mind and he does like me after all...
So yes, after something like that has been said - there's a chance things might change between the two of you, not necessarily for the better.
|
|
|
|
Post by Outcast on Mar 13, 2008 9:44:02 GMT -5
Outcast, is there a girl you want to be more than just friends with? I have to admit, i have several crushes. But i know those kind of feelings are often mistaken as feelings of love. So, i am not sure what kind of feeling to look for anymore. I am not sure if am able to recognize real feelings of love compared to just simple crushes, to make me want to be more than just friends with girls. I am just confused to what true love is. I don't want to hurt the girl, if my feelings for her is not the real thing. So, i am little hesitant and unsure of where to start really. Weird right? I know. But that's seems to be how i feel at the moment. Thanks for the advices Air Burst. I think i can apply your advice in the first situation. Seems easy enough. On the third situation, the girl and i already went out for lunch. It was more like a blind date of course since we got to know each other only thru our cellphones. Maybe that's why i feel like i'm courting her if we went out again. The whole "just friends with the opposite sex" thing is difficult because different people have different opinions. Some people think that there will always be the idea in your mind that one day you'll be a couple, while others think that it's ridiculous to even suggest that - of course you can just be friends. I think older people are more likely to think the latter. Air Burst's advice was pretty good - but I will add one thing.. In your second scenario, you might want to be prepared for the woman to shun you after that... Women (when I say women i'm kind of thinking girls around my age or a bit older) particularly have a bit of an "all or nothing" mentality with guys. Personally I know that if I told a guy friend I liked him, and he told me he didn't feel the same, I wouldn't want to hang out with him so much after that... because it's embarassing, and also because I might be reading signs from him (body language, or what not) that he's changed his mind and he does like me after all... So yes, after something like that has been said - there's a chance things might change between the two of you, not necessarily for the better. Yeah, i know how the embarassing the feeling is, Anna. Confessing how you like somebody only to find out the feeling is not mutual. I think i have at least 1 experience to know, that it would change what could have been a good friendship to an akward kind of friendship. Anyways, she hasn't said anything like that yet. So i am not sure, maybe i'm just jumping to conclusions, maybe not. Right now, i guess i'm just trying to be careful not to send the wrong kind of signs or messages to her. |
|
|
|
Post by MrNice on Mar 13, 2008 10:57:03 GMT -5
you don't want to wait until some unknown green light of 'true love' before wanting to be 'more than friends' with a girl
people fall in love with each other over a period of time - however during that period of time they both know that they like each other and their feelings get stronger until at some point it feels like 'love'
in other words if a girl even seems mildly attractive to you go for it
both of you take the risk that things will not work out
there is never a guarantee of how it will end up
people have relationships of various length and break up
or they date for a while only to figure out they are not right for each other for the long term
however during that time, they have mutual attraction for each other
you should not wait until you have some sort of feeling of true love for a girl that barely has a clue about you and then all of a sudden dump your feelings onto her
you will just push her away
well what happened during lunch? did she give you any signals that she likes you? do you like her? forget true love, are you attracted to her in that sort of way at all? if yes then you do want to send that signal - that you enjoyed her company and that you would like to see her again.
usually this kind of friendship does not work out
but seriously, do you have to be friends with her?
the best thing is to move on
if you move on, you can still become friends with her in the usual manner that you become friends with people
communicating with her will be as awkward as how strong your romantic feelings are for her
if you let your feelings go, then it will not be awkward at all
|
|
|
|
Post by rubytuesday on Mar 13, 2008 19:47:09 GMT -5
My "closest friend: and only real freind - an older guy - just dumped me after 5 years. Cos he wanted more - said he loved me and and couln't handle it (being around me without touching, and inimacy etc. Now I'm alone and feeling really resentful towards this person. The signs were there and I was becoming more and more uncomfortable with this person because of it. Always telling me how to "be" so - it seemed I was bette for him - but at the same time telling me to just relax and be myself! Friendships with the opposite sex can be great - if they are gay. That has been my personal experience. Sexuality always gets in the way.
|
|
|
|
Post by Outcast on Mar 14, 2008 10:58:37 GMT -5
you don't want to wait until some unknown green light of 'true love' before wanting to be 'more than friends' with a girl people fall in love with each other over a period of time - however during that period of time they both know that they like each other and their feelings get stronger until at some point it feels like 'love' in other words if a girl even seems mildly attractive to you go for it both of you take the risk that things will not work out there is never a guarantee of how it will end up people have relationships of various length and break up or they date for a while only to figure out they are not right for each other for the long term however during that time, they have mutual attraction for each other I see. Thanks for explaining this to me, MrNice. So 'love' develops over time and starts with some form of attraction. Looking at the internet, i found this www.helium.com/items/164496-stages-develops-between-partners. But how can you tell if you are not right for each other? What kind of signs would those be? I mean it's hard to tell really because there is no perfect relationship right? Nobody is perfect and everyone has their own faults. you should not wait until you have some sort of feeling of true love for a girl that barely has a clue about you and then all of a sudden dump your feelings onto her you will just push her away Hehe. Your right.  well what happened during lunch? did she give you any signals that she likes you? do you like her? forget true love, are you attracted to her in that sort of way at all? if yes then you do want to send that signal - that you enjoyed her company and that you would like to see her again. Well, we just talked a little bit. I asked what's going on with her..etc etc. Nothing much. I didn't really notice any signals that she liked me .Similarly I like her only as a friend as well. Am i attracted to her? Physically? I didn't feel any. Emotionally? Neither of us have something in common like what was suggested in the site i found. So i guess there was no emotional attraction either. I would like to see her again though, as a friend. usually this kind of friendship does not work out but seriously, do you have to be friends with her? the best thing is to move on if you move on, you can still become friends with her in the usual manner that you become friends with people communicating with her will be as awkward as how strong your romantic feelings are for her if you let your feelings go, then it will not be awkward at all Yes. I have read some similar advices in books and other internet websites that this kind of friendship would not be beneficial to the one who seeks more than just friendship in a relationship. Because letting go of such strong feelings seemed impossible. There was always this hope/anticipation that things would change and so on. But i sometimes feel, that it is wrong to just abandon her like that. Just because the feeling wasn't mutual. It's not her fault. Everyone is attracted to different people. Why should i hold this against her? Yet, there is some truth in your advice. I sometimes can't help but feel that there is something lacking in the friendship. Now that she knows how i feel/felt about her. Well, i really can't blame her. Maybe she is also being careful not to give me mixed signals or false hope. In the end, i know the problem was with me because i'm was the one expecting a little bit more. I expected her to be more friendlier, etc etc. At present, i believe i have managed to let go of my feelings for her or at least kept it hidden so far away. The only problem now is that when i don't keep in touch with her as often as i did before, I feel guilty because it feels like i have let her down as a friend in some way. I don't know. My "closest friend: and only real freind - an older guy - just dumped me after 5 years. Cos he wanted more - said he loved me and and couln't handle it (being around me without touching, and inimacy etc. Now I'm alone and feeling really resentful towards this person. The signs were there and I was becoming more and more uncomfortable with this person because of it. Always telling me how to "be" so - it seemed I was bette for him - but at the same time telling me to just relax and be myself! I'm sorry to hear this rubytuesday. This is just the kind of situation i don't like to give to a friend. I believe what gets in the way in friendships with the opposite sex is when feelings of love arise. |
|
|
|
Post by Sweet Pea on Mar 14, 2008 11:29:47 GMT -5
if i dig someone and they're not into me, it doesn't change how i feel. if i think he's hot, i think he's hot...and that's all there is to it. i can still be friends, but i'd probably tease him alot. hug him, kiss him, tell him i think he's adorable. guys don't usually mind this much, i've found.  |
|
|
|
Post by pnoopiepnats on Mar 14, 2008 17:20:49 GMT -5
Yes. I have read some similar advices in books and other internet websites that this kind of friendship would not be beneficial to the one who seeks more than just friendship in a relationship. Because letting go of such strong feelings seemed impossible. There was always this hope/anticipation that things would change and so on. But i sometimes feel, that it is wrong to just abandon her like that. Just because the feeling wasn't mutual. It's not her fault. Everyone is attracted to different people. Why should i hold this against her? Yet, there is some truth in your advice. I sometimes can't help but feel that there is something lacking in the friendship. Now that she knows how i feel/felt about her. Well, i really can't blame her. Maybe she is also being careful not to give me mixed signals or false hope. In the end, i know the problem was with me because i'm was the one expecting a little bit more. I expected her to be more friendlier, etc etc. At present, i believe i have managed to let go of my feelings for her or at least kept it hidden so far away. The only problem now is that when i don't keep in touch with her as often as i did before, I feel guilty because it feels like i have let her down as a friend in some way. I don't know. This is why I tend to reject almost all friendships with males. You guys tend to be dishonest with your true motives and feelings cause you really aren't interested in being friends but think that is the way to get in through the back door and then when you find out she doesn't feel anything for you, then you disappear. So much for the "friendship" eh? |
|
|
|
Post by Outcast on Mar 14, 2008 20:08:53 GMT -5
This is why I tend to reject almost all friendships with males. You guys tend to be dishonest with your true motives and feelings cause you really aren't interested in being friends but think that is the way to get in through the back door and then when you find out she doesn't feel anything for you, then you disappear. So much for the "friendship" eh? Yet another reaction, i wouldn't like her to think. Well actually i think i didn't make friends with her because i had a motive. At the time, i knew i was just trying to meet new friends. And she was one of those people who approached me and wanted to be friends. It was only later that i found myself getting attracted to her. This feeling kept getting stronger. Eventually strong enough to want to tell her about it. When she told me, she just wanted to be friends at the moment. I accepted her decision and still continued trying to be friends with her. But then over time, i slightly noticed some changes that worried me. Before, she would email me frequently and i in return would email her just as frequently. I would sometimes send her messages to her cellphone and she would do the same. But i noticed these things changed, later on. Of course, this made me feel sad somehow. I thought, why am i always thinking negatively. In my quest to improve myself and to try to change my pessimistic ways, i tried to look for answers on how to change. I wanted to be more positive. I saw this book in a bookstore about being positive. In it i read, a similar advise given by MrNice. That this kind of friendship where one party wanted more wasn't advisable. It said that i would always hope things would change. It advised that i try to leave the relationship for my own good. I think this led only to more conflict on what to do in my part. Some part of me wanted to follow the advice. While another part didn't. But as time went by, and it seemed like i was the only one trying to keep in contact with her. I began having doubts. And thought, maybe the book was right. So, i tried not to keep in touch as frequently as i did before. I tried to suppress any feelings i have for her as more than a friend. I tried not doing things that seemed overly friendly.Eventually, i managed to do that. But sometimes i feel it's been so long since i last kept in touch that maybe she thinks i was dishonest . Because i changed. You know like less frequent emails and messages. When i think about it, i don't want to be that way to her. I'm thinking maybe i hurt her. But when i try to keep in touch with her to let her know i'm still here, i feel she isn't really interested. Yeah. Some part of me really feels i did something wrong. This is where everything started to crumble. My confidence in dealing with people. To make friends. And i became increasingly withdrawn. |
|
|
|
Post by lennythegiant on Mar 14, 2008 21:16:56 GMT -5
Let's see. To be "just friends", really, it's simple, just act like a friend and don't try to make any kind of move or anything. I've never tried anything else with a girl, so I know all about the "just friends" thing.
1)I've never tried it before. Really I'm not sure when is a good time, because as someone who has never had a large amount of female friends at any point I guess I do have a tendency to have crushes on a lot of them. I usually figure that if that's the case maybe I shouldn't make any attempts to hook up with any of them if those feelings are coming from some kind of desperation.
2)I don't know...I just know that I'd probably try to pursue the relationship, unless she was completely insane.
3)Unless she's in on their plan, probably not.
|
|
|
|
Post by ball4yourout on Mar 14, 2008 22:18:27 GMT -5
For me, personally, is just the difficulty in talking to girls or trying to engage in something as simple as a conversation with them. I feel like if I gave enough effort, I could do it. But I don't know, for some reason I just can't. I get so terrified at what may happen that I just can't bring myself to do it.
The whole "friends" thing is a big part of it. I know for a fact that the few girls I do speak with simply want to be friends with me. That's fine, I just want to be friends as well. But it still stinks that that's the extent of it.
|
|
|
|
Post by Sweet Pea on Mar 15, 2008 11:43:17 GMT -5
I get so terrified at what may happen that I just can't bring myself to do it. what might happen?  |
|
