Post by shygirl on Jul 4, 2003 17:11:02 GMT -5
I had a really bad day today with my shyness. Do you find that if someone talks about you being shy it pushes your confidence down even more and makes you even more shy.
Two things happened today that made me feel more and more shy and more and more low.
I wrote this piece a while back, and it is inspired by something that I read somewhere. It doesnt convey everything that I feel, because my shyness seems to take so many forms, but I thought that I would leave it on here.
You see me walk swiftly past you, it seems as if I purposely dont want to look at you, as if I dont want to notice you. You think that it is because I am arrogant and conceited. You think that I dont want to know you, you hear me raise my voice when you come near me, you see me fiddling with something else whenever you pass. You think that I think I am superior to you, you think that I dont like you, that I shun you. Cant you see that I am just shy? Cant you see that more than anything I want to raise the courage to just say hello to you, to just smile at you. But I am fighting a loosing battle with terror, a terror of speaking, a fear of rejection and mocking. Each time you notice me and smile my confidence is raised, and I feel happier than you could ever imagine a smile could make someone feel. But each time you ridicule and mock me, each time I see you laugh and stare at me, my esteem drops, and tears well up behind my eyes. You dont realise how much you control my emotions, how I feel, you dont realise that everybody does.
In class I am quiet, nobody notices me. You think that I am clever, but why cant I just put my hand up and answer when I know the answer? Why do I blush and look at the floor when I am confronted by a teacher? And why, why does my mind spin and my face feel red whilst I can feel the tears building up, as if they are about to tumble down myself and reveal to all my weakness. You tell me that I am pretencious, that I think that I am so much better than everyone else, but with each jeer my smile falls further and further into oblivion, I cant stand this silence.
I wish that I could stand up for what I believe in. So often I want to shout, to tell people what I think, to tell people when I dont agree with what I say. But instead I sit back and watch in silence. You think that I dont have any opinions, maybe you are right, it doesnt matter if I do have opinions anyway, I never speak my mind. Every morning, I wrestle with my image in the mirror, I cant stand myself, I am so ugly. The person I see is not me. I wish I could be who I wanted to be, but I know that that will never happen, I will never have the guts. I am ugly both inside and outside. You watch me blush when you talk to me on my own, you watch me struggle to find the words, but then you watch me laugh and talk with my friends. You cant understand me, you think that I hate you, I just dont know what to say.
My loud remarks cover up my shyness, inside I know that I am boring. I watch everyone around me laughing and joking, easily getting along, and I feel more and more alone. Why cant I be like everyone else? Walking around, I believe more than ever in my smallness and insignificence, yet still I am so consious of myself, of how much I stand out. You think that you dont want to know me, that I dont want to know you, but thats wrong. I want to know you, to have lots of friends like everyone else, but nobody can struggle past the thick barrier that I keep around me, guarding me. Maybe I am just like you? Why cant you talk to me?
I cant take the things I say, i hate myself so much. Cant you help me? Cant you guide me and encourage me? Help me to be who I want to be. Please look at me, see who I am inside. I know that I appear to be high and mighty, but inside I am just shy and introverted, wishing for you to notice me.
Two things happened today that made me feel more and more shy and more and more low.
I wrote this piece a while back, and it is inspired by something that I read somewhere. It doesnt convey everything that I feel, because my shyness seems to take so many forms, but I thought that I would leave it on here.
You see me walk swiftly past you, it seems as if I purposely dont want to look at you, as if I dont want to notice you. You think that it is because I am arrogant and conceited. You think that I dont want to know you, you hear me raise my voice when you come near me, you see me fiddling with something else whenever you pass. You think that I think I am superior to you, you think that I dont like you, that I shun you. Cant you see that I am just shy? Cant you see that more than anything I want to raise the courage to just say hello to you, to just smile at you. But I am fighting a loosing battle with terror, a terror of speaking, a fear of rejection and mocking. Each time you notice me and smile my confidence is raised, and I feel happier than you could ever imagine a smile could make someone feel. But each time you ridicule and mock me, each time I see you laugh and stare at me, my esteem drops, and tears well up behind my eyes. You dont realise how much you control my emotions, how I feel, you dont realise that everybody does.
In class I am quiet, nobody notices me. You think that I am clever, but why cant I just put my hand up and answer when I know the answer? Why do I blush and look at the floor when I am confronted by a teacher? And why, why does my mind spin and my face feel red whilst I can feel the tears building up, as if they are about to tumble down myself and reveal to all my weakness. You tell me that I am pretencious, that I think that I am so much better than everyone else, but with each jeer my smile falls further and further into oblivion, I cant stand this silence.
I wish that I could stand up for what I believe in. So often I want to shout, to tell people what I think, to tell people when I dont agree with what I say. But instead I sit back and watch in silence. You think that I dont have any opinions, maybe you are right, it doesnt matter if I do have opinions anyway, I never speak my mind. Every morning, I wrestle with my image in the mirror, I cant stand myself, I am so ugly. The person I see is not me. I wish I could be who I wanted to be, but I know that that will never happen, I will never have the guts. I am ugly both inside and outside. You watch me blush when you talk to me on my own, you watch me struggle to find the words, but then you watch me laugh and talk with my friends. You cant understand me, you think that I hate you, I just dont know what to say.
My loud remarks cover up my shyness, inside I know that I am boring. I watch everyone around me laughing and joking, easily getting along, and I feel more and more alone. Why cant I be like everyone else? Walking around, I believe more than ever in my smallness and insignificence, yet still I am so consious of myself, of how much I stand out. You think that you dont want to know me, that I dont want to know you, but thats wrong. I want to know you, to have lots of friends like everyone else, but nobody can struggle past the thick barrier that I keep around me, guarding me. Maybe I am just like you? Why cant you talk to me?
I cant take the things I say, i hate myself so much. Cant you help me? Cant you guide me and encourage me? Help me to be who I want to be. Please look at me, see who I am inside. I know that I appear to be high and mighty, but inside I am just shy and introverted, wishing for you to notice me.
. People don't always can get a grip on me though..they seem a little confused about "defining" me in which category I fall. My colleague even said to me a few weeks ago "You are not as innocent as you look"... Looking innocent is good though, it's a advantage ;D