"you're not trying hard enough"

[justagirl1985]

I hate it when my friends realize how shy I am and say that I'm not trying hard enough! What is that? Since when did they get they get the right to decide the amount of effort i put into being social? This one girl I'm friends with goes clubbing all the time..and when i say i dont want to go (or to a party or hang out with random people)she goes on and on about how i wont try anything and that i should stop being such a child. My mom does the same thing...she doesnt understand how great my insecurities are...She's like "why dont you go out to places and meet people? why dont you go up to some people and introduce yourself and start talking? I CANT DO THAT. And i DO try...but its still hard no matter what i do-i just usually cant fit into intense social scenes-only a few people at a time i can. She just doesnt get it. And she never will. And neither will any of my friends...only people that are going through the same thing like you guys. Its SO FRUSTRATING. Sorry, I kinda need to chill...


On a lighter note, I finally went to the caf and ate by myself today. Most of the time i went with my friend here...but since shes starting to reject me for girls that actually talk a lot now...shes done it a few times and i usually just skip dinner (its so intimidating to go by myself since the caf is huge and full of people-and theres only a TINY amount of people that sit alone that i cant seem to find unless i already have people to sit with..) or eat in my room. But dammit i was hungry so i planned it and went at the end of dinner when there were less people. I guess it wasnt that bad but i just felt like it was a big step for me-i almost backed away when i got into the building. Kinda sad but true...and i kept my head down the whole time while i was eating b/c i was afraid i was going to see people looking at me. Ugh i cant stand the way i am...

[spitzig]

"Trying hard" is not necessarily relevant when you don't know what to try. Also, shy people often percieve things differently. Like, everyone is watching you when no one noticed you out of the other 500 people. Or, that people are rejecting you when they don't indend to do so. Also, I recently realized I tend to not pay attention to compliments.

[EdgedInBlue]

I'd say your parents are lucky for having some kind of a tame creature in their house!

Seriously, I get that a lot from my dad too. I like to remind him that I could be attending some grand orgy with my Columbian cocaine addict boyfriend and coming home plastered on weeknights. Of course, it isn't that black and white, but it usually shuts him up quickly

[Smiley]

Hi,
I am new to this site. even i feel i am not trying hard enough to overcome my shyness. Is there a quick fix solution? something like a medicine... a tablet a day keeps shyness away.

[EdgedInBlue]

Unless you have a true anxiety disorder, you should never take an anti anxiety medication. First off, they have terrible side-effects (withdrawal pains, insomnia) and you shouldn't mess with your brain unless there's something seriously wrong with it.

Some others reccommended St. Johns Wort which is an herb so you might want to check into that

[Alecto]

I get the "you're not trying hard enough" thing from friends and family as well. I do try to go up and talk to people, but usually get the "why the hell are you talking to me?" reaction. So, I pretty much gave up on it.

I don't think medication would do any good, unless there was something wrong with my mentality. I am considering St Johns Wort, since its a herb.

[Nicole]

I'm probably the only one here that's going to give this suggestion, but I say to go clubbing with your friend.

I also have tremendous social anxiety. I can't even speak in class! A few years ago, I had a girlfriend that loved clubbing, and I absolutely detested it. However, after a few trips, I began to enjoy it. In fact, I would even say that it helped me to get over A LOT of my shyness. I still have problems speaking at school, but I am much better in general social situations.

There are two major advantages:

1.) It's dark. This is a huge plus for me because I blush constantly. As soon as someone starts talking to me, I blush. When it's dark, no one can see this. You'll find that many anxieties will disappear when people can barely see you.

2.) Just about everyone is either drunk or on some other mind-altering substance. Keep in mind I'm not saying YOU should do this. Using intoxicants to help get over your shyness could likely lead to addiction. But the fact that everyone else is acting like idiots also helps to lessen anxiety. Plus, if you do something stupid, they probably won't remember it the next morning.

I don't really have time for clubbing anymore, but I have many fond memories of it. I made a lot of good friends and I had a great time.

You might not want to do this specifically, and that's fine - clubbing is not for everyone. But if you're unhappy with the way you are, I do recommend taking small steps to change your behavior. It is difficult, but it gets much easier over time. Trust me - I've been there! :-)