I CLING TO MY BOYFRIEND B/C I DONT HAVE MY LIFE

[crystal2shy]

I HAVE BEEN WITH MY BOYFRIEND SINCE THE AGE 16 AND I AM NOW 22, WE HAVE LIVED TOGETHER FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS, IN HIGHSCHOOL I DEFINATELY WAS NOT CLINGY BECAUSE I HAD DANCE, CHEERLEADING, STEP TEAM, AND LOTS OF OTHER ACTIVITIES TO KEEP ME BUSY, AND HE HAD BASKETBALL, SO WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER WE REALLY VALUED OUR TIME AND DIDNT HAVE ALOT OF TIME FOR BULLSHIT, OR ARGUMENTS, AND WE MISSED EACH OTHER. I ALSO HAD MORE FRIENDS THEN BECAUSE OF MY ACTIVITIES, THAT WAS HOW I GOT TO BE APART OF A CLICK, IF I WAS GOOD ENOUGH TO MAKE AUDITIONS THEN I WAS IN AND MADE FRIENDS, IF I DIDNT DO THOSE THINGS I WONDER HOW LONELY I WOULD HAVE BEEN? NOW THAT SCHOOL IS WAY OVER AND I DONT KEEP IN TOUCH WITH THE FRIENDS I HAD FROM SCHOOL EXCEPT ONE WHO IS MY BEST FRIEND, I DONT HAVE ANY FRIENDS AT ALL, I HAVE NO ONE THAT I CAN CALL UP (IF MY FRIEND IS BUSY) AND TALK TO AND HANG OUT WITH, OR PEOPLE TO CALL ME AND SEE HOW I AM OR WHAT I WANT TO DO AND ITS LONELY, MY BOYFRIEND IS VERY SOCIAL AND STILL HAS ALOT OF HIS SAME FRIENDS, EVERYONE HE COMES AROUND LOVES HIM TO DEATH SO HE HAS NO PROBLEM COMMUNICATING, HE HAS PLACES TO GO VISIT AND HANG OUT, SO SINCE I DONT I GO WITH HIM, BUT ITS HIS FRIENDS NOT MINE. I USUALLY FEEL LIKE A TAG ALONG OR A CLINGY GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE PEOPLE SAY "Y'ALL ALWAYS TOGETHER" BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO JUST STAY HOME ALONE ALL THE TIME? I JUST KIND OF GOT USED TO US BEING TOGETHER, UNTIL RECENTLY ITS STARTING TO GET ON HIS NERVES BECAUSE WE NEED TIME APART TO BE ABLE TO APPRECIATE OUR TIME TOGETHER, I BELIEVE THIS IS TRUE AND HE HAS NO IDEA HOW BAD I WANT MY OWN LIFE, FRIENDS, AND AGENDA BUT I DONT WANT TO JUST BE FRIENDS WITH ANYONE, I WANT IT TO BE GENUINE AND FOR ME TO FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH THAT PERSON, NOT JUST HANGING WITH THEM BECAUSE I DONT HAVE FRIENDS, THATS SETTLING, ID RATHER BE ALONE, I LOVE MY BEST FRIEND TO DEATH, I AM SO COMFORTABLE AROUND HER AND CAN TELL HER ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING, SHE DOESNT JUDGE ME AND SHE TRULY UNDERSTANDS WHERE I COME FROM AND DOESNT MAKE ME FEEL BAD FOR FEELING A CERTAIN WAY, WE CANT HELP HOW WE FEEL, BUT SHE HAS HER OWN LIFE TOO AND SHE HAD MOVED TO MARYLAND RECENTLY SO WITH THE DISTANCE I BARELY SAW OR SPOKE TO HER OFTEN. BEFORE MY BOYFRIEND MOVED IN WITH ME I WAS AT THE CLUB EVERYSINGLE WEEKEND, WE WERE TOGETHER BUT WE DIDNT LIVE TOGETHER, THEN WHEN HE MOVED IN HE DOESNT WANT ME TO GO TO THE CLUBS NO MORE AND WOULD HAVE A BIG ATTITUDE OR ACT DIFFERENT TO ME WHEN I WOULD "ASK" DO HE MIND IF I WENT OUT. BUT HE WONT GO WITH ME BECAUSE HE DONT WANT TO SEE NO ONE ALL UP ON ME, I TELL HIM ITS NOT LIKE THAT WITH ME, I JUST LOVE TO DANCE, WHO CARES WHAT SOME ELSE'S MOTIVES MAY BE AT THE CLUB, NOTHING IS GOING TO GO DOWN IF I DONT LET IT, OF COURSE BOYS WILL TRY TO TALK TO YOU OR TAKE YOU HOME BUT I PUT THEM IN CHECK UP FRONT AND LET THEM ALL KNOW WHERE I STAND BEFORE THEY CAN EVEN GET THE WRONG IDEA. SO ANYWAY I STOPPED GOING OUT TO THE CLUB FOR A LONG ASS TIME, THIS PUT STRAIN ON ME AND MY BESTFRIENDS RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE NOW SHE HAD TO GO ALONE, AND FELT AS THOUGH I WAS PUTTING HIM FIRST. I RESPECTED HIM BECAUSE I KNOW THAT LIVING TOGETHER WILL CHANGE THINGS, BUT I FELT SO TRAPPED BECAUSE I REALLY WANTED TO GO OUT EVERY TIME MY FRIEND WOULD ASK BUT I WOULD SAY NO BECAUSE IF I KNEW HE WAS GOING TO HAVE AN ATTITUDE WITH ME THEN HOW CAN I HAVE FUN THINKING ABOUT HOW HE FEELS SO I WOULD JUST STAY HOME, THEN MY FRIEND STARTED TO MEET NEW FRIENDS SINCE I STOPPED GOING OUT AND I GOT REALLY JEALOUS BUT HOW CAN I BLAME HER, WHAT WAS SHE SUPPOSED TO DO? STAY HOME AND BE BORED BECAUSE MY BOYFRIEND DONT LIKE CLUBS. AFTER WORKING 40HRS AND GOING TO SCHOOL ALL WEEK THE CLUB WAS A NICE GET AWAY FOR A FEW HOURS FOR ONE NIGHT TO JUST GET OUT, HAVE A DRINK, DANCE AND SOCIALIZE. SINCE TIFFANY IS MY ONLY FRIEND AND SHE WAS STILL CLUBBING EVRY WEEKEND, WHO ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO CHILL WITH? I CHILLED WITH MY MAN SINCE HE WAS THE ONE WHO TOOK MY FRIEND AND SOCIAL LIFE AWAY.
SO THATS HOW IT STARTED WITH ME CHILLING WITH HIM AND HIS CREW ALL THE TIME, MOST OF THE TIME WITH OTHER COUPLES TOO, SO I JUST GOT USED TO IT. NOW RECENTLY HE WANTS TO DO 'GUY THINGS" AND WANTS ME TO DO STUFF ON MYOWN, BUT I CANT JUST ALL OF A SUDDEN GET A SOCIAL LIFE. I HAVE BEEN TO THE CLUB A FEW TIMES RECENTLY LIKE TWICE IN THREE MONTHS AND HIS ATTITUDE IS BETTER NOW IF I GO OUT. I JUST FEEL LIKE I HAD A LIFE UNTIL HE HAD A PROBLEM WITH IT, HE SAYS THERE ARE OTHER THINGS TO DO OTHER THAN CLUB BUT IF THATS WHAT EVERYONE IS DOING AND THATS WHAT THEY WANT TO DO AT THE END OF THE WEEK WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO DO OTHER STUFF WITH? I NEED MORE THAN ONE FRIEND, I CANT LET MY SCHEDULE DEPEND ON WHAT TIFFANY IS DOING, I NEED BACK UP IN CASE SHE IS BUSY OR I DONT WANT TO DO WHAT SHE IS DOING AND I DONT AND ITS LONELY, NOW I FEEL LIKE IM BORING TO MY BOYFRIEND, OR A TAG ALONG, AND I CANT JUST JUMP BACK INTO TIFFANYS LIFE FULL FORCE AFTER BEING ANTISOCIAL FOR SO LONG, HIS FRIENDS HAVE GIRLFRIENDS THAT HE TRIES TO GET ME TO CHILL WITH BUT GIRLS JUST CANT BE FRIENDS WITH ANYONE LIKE BOYS CAN, WE HAVE TO VIBE, AND CLICK AND BE ON THE SAME PAGE, I DONT CLICK WITH THOSE GIRLS, ONE GIRL IS WHITE, WHO CARES BUT SHE HAS KIDS, AND SHE DOESNT KNOW HOW TO DANCE AND DOESNT WANT TO DO ANYTHING, THE OTHER ONE IS A LITTLE TOO LOUD FOR ME, FAKE, AND HER CHOICE OF DRUG IS NOT THE SAME AND I DONT WANT TO GET DOWN WITH THAT, AND I DONT FEEL COMFORTABLE WITHTHEM AS FAR AS TALKING ABOUT PERSONAL STUFF AND FEELINGS SO WHATS THE POINT. THEY ARE COOL TO HANG WITH WHEN WE GO VISIT, BUT AS FOR HANGING OUT AND TALKING ON THE PHONE, THERE IS NO VIBE, SO I WANT TO FIND AT LEAST ONE OR TWO MORE GIRLS THAT I CAN VIBE WITH AND BE COMFORTABLE AND SLOWLY GET MY OWN LIFE. I AM SO SHY BUT YOU WOULDNT THINK SO WHEN TIFFANY IS AROUND, THATS HOW GOOD WE VIBE, IM THE TOTAL OPPOSITE OF SHY AROUND HER AND I WANT TO BE COMFORTABLE AROUND OTHERS THIS WAY TOO BUT IM TOO SCARED AND SELF CONSCOUS. PLEASE HELP ME

[Alecto]

I'm pretty much going through the same thing. I've been with my boyfriend since age 16 also. During school my social life wasn't that bad, but since graduating I have lost contact with all my friends. There is only one friend I still hang out with, and we never even went to school together.

Anyway, most of the group activities we do involves his friends. I really don't have any friend's of my own to go and hangout with. Don't get me wrong, his friends are nice people and I enjoy their company once in a while but they are still his friends. Plus I feel like a 5th wheel most of the time

He's also to the point now,where he wants to do more guy stuff over the weekends. Which is the only time we have a chance to be together, as he lives 40 miles away and we both work during the week.

Hope you can work things out and deal with this, I'm trying to

[CaryGrant]

Hi Crystal - Ok, you have to turn the caps lock off - it's too hard to read otherwise.

Shy people often look for the type of connection they had with friends in high school, but it doesn't always work that way with adult friends. It also takes time to build close friendships, and some trial and error, meaning you might go out with people who you ultimately do not really click with, or only up to a point. But along the way you might meet some people who are fun to go dancing with, even if you don't not intimately close with.

For example, I know people I go to vegetarian potlucks with, golf with, work with, canoe with, etc. Some of these people I'm getting close with, others I'm not, but it's not black and white (ha ha!). Meaning, some I will dislike, some I will really like, and the rest will be in between. But I won't only associate with people I really like.

A second thing that shy people expect is instant chemistry - we want to 'feel' accepted and loved the moment we meet someone. This isn't realistic; it takes time to get to know someone. Don't know if you're doing this - I know I have.

[loner]

Shy people often look for the type of connection they had with friends in high school, but it doesn't always work that way with adult friends.

That's one thing I worry about. I haven't had any friendships since mid-late high school, and as a senior in college now, I have no idea how to be friends with anyone at this age and beyond, as embarrasing as that is to say.

[CaryGrant]

I'm in the same boat, loner. I've had to learn what friendship is. As as adult, it's more about choice than connection. That is, in school, you 'felt' you shared a connection with someone, so you stuck with them no matter what. As an adult, you choose to be friends with someone whose values you respect and with whom you share some common interests.

You can still end up having a deep connection with an adult friend, but it's based more on starting with some chemistry and choosing to build a deeper relationship.

[Alecto]

I have trouble with making friends also. I only have 1 friend that I keep in touch with.

My boyfriend tells me I need to go out and make some friends, but since I'm not in school, and hate the clubbing/bar scene, I'm really not sure where to look for some friends.

[l0ner]

Alecto said:

I have trouble with making friends also. I only have 1 friend that I keep in touch with.

My boyfriend tells me I need to go out and make some friends, but since I'm not in school, and hate the clubbing/bar scene, I'm really not sure where to look for some friends.

Is there a club you could join? Do some volunteer work? Something like that?

[Alecto]

possibly, but that would involve driving some where, and I hate drivnig.

[Jarous]

Alecto said:

possibly, but that would involve driving some where, and I hate drivnig.

Alecto, such a lame excuse Are there realy no entertainment facilies nearby? If not you can use a bike, mass transport or have your friend drive...

[Alecto]

But I really do hate it

I don't like bikes, or public transportation either. The thought of riding a bus or cab just freaks me out.

I have been considering either kung fu or violin lessons. Of course I would need a violin first. But I can't afford lessons, or a class for anything at the moment.

[Alecto]

But I really do hate it

I don't like bikes, or public transportation either. The thought of riding a bus or cab just freaks me out.

I have been considering either kung fu or violin lessons. Of course I would need a violin first. But I can't afford lessons, or a class for anything at the moment.

[Jarous]

What is it that you hate about public transport? The sheer number of people involved, hurry and lack of privacy with about 40 other commuters in the same vehicle can make it intimidating but understand that it's pretty uncomfortable for all and noone is 'looking' just at you all the time. All of this can be avoided by using bikes but you might be dealing with distancies making them not feasible... Do not let mere transportation hold you back from what you want in life.

I've heard violin lessons can do wonders for lungs and breathing problems. You should give it a try (if you like the music).
Kung fu, wow. I am always surprised when I hear about women doing martial arts - one of the stereotypes I cannot get rid of. Sure, that's cool, though. I am thinking it might be a nice thing to your confidence and self-respect.

[Alecto]

The Problem with public transportation is that I really don't feel safe riding on buses or in taxis.

I have never heard about playing the violin helping with lung problems, might be something to look into.

Oh, kung fu is just something I've wanted to learn for a while. Of course the closest school is like 40 miles away. So, it'll be awhile before I can get into that.

[Jarous]

Alecto said:

The Problem with public transportation is that I really don't feel safe riding on buses or in taxis.

But why exactly? Is it the fear of the people around you or don't you trust the safety of travelling (after I've seen the driving skills of some of my friends I won't be surprised by this).

I have never heard about playing the violin helping with lung problems, might be something to look into.

*ashamed beyond description* Think first then talk lest foolish be thy word...
I am sure you're having a good laugh over this. Sure, stringed instruments don't usually help with your breathing. I'll have some serious English study to do tonight...

Of course the closest school is like 40 miles away. So, it'll be awhile before I can get into that.

I see. Cycling 40 miles is not something to sneeze at. Doubly so when it would be followed by some serious martial practice.

[Alecto]

hahaha ;D

I just had a feeling violins and breathing couldn't go together. But then I thought, well its possible.

Yes, 40 miles is way too far to ride a bicycle