Why I'll never find a boyfriend

[iroseiroared2]

No, not because I'm shy or anything like that. I guess I just have to master the art of self-pleasuring better, because it's going to be years before I find anyone who suits me.

I met a guy online; I thought he was perfect. I would always say about guys that I met, well they're good for this way and that but there's that one thing that makes me know they're not going to be with me forever. But he was perfect.

That is, until I called him up. I don't understand how someone can write and speak so differently . His writing was so beautiful, intelligent, and emotional. But when he spoke, I hate saying this but he sounded like an idiot. He couldn't even pronounce some of his words properly, and he didn't seem much responsive to what I said, just like a "Yeah," and then there would be silences and I'd have to start up the conversation again.

So anyway, I started being what I always am when I first talk to a guy I like- a bitch. But there was a reason why. I felt I had to defend myself because in my last email, he barely responded to what I said and it made me feel like he didn't care. He explained it was because he doesn't have his own computer and he had to hurry before the computer shut off at the cafe he was at to write . But he couldn't even get the band straight that I was going to see. I figured if he cared he would have gotten it right. He said he was just joking.. but then he goes, "So who are you going to see again?" whatever. He seemed a little snappy too.. he wants kids, soon, and I don't want any for a long time.. just a bunch of different things. He said we had a bad night and should start over again but I don't know; there were just so many red flags there.

But I thought he was like me.. and I thought he liked me a lot. I felt like we were falling in love with each other over the computer. God what a dreamer I am. I told my friends about him and my family. How embarrassed I was to have it end that way. He's just trying different girls out to see who's right for him.. I don't do that . I find one guy and shut everyone out and try that one out. I know that's probably wrong but tha'ts how I work.

The reason I'll never find anyone is because I'm just so unrealistic. I want a fantasy that will come true. I want someone who will drop whatever they're doing and come run off with me, and we can create a magical world together. Create art, love, everything and anything together. Go be crazy and carefree just like little children, but with each other. But no one's like that. People want rich men. People want families. Someone stable. Someone kind and faithful. I want more. I want the most amazing passionate intense insane thing you could dream of, and beyond. Something the world will envy. And I won't settle for less than that.

But besides that, there are things about me that a guy won't accept. This is personal and I probably shouldn't even be saying it here in a public forum, but I really would rather not have sex until I'm ready for children. I won't take birth control pills and I don't trust condoms 100%. And I'm not ready for children anytime soon. Obviously with this guy sex was important. That was a big thing. I need a guy who doesn't want sex. . I mean other forms of sex are fine, but intercourse.. I can't do it. I KNOW I will be the one who gets pregnant, because I don't want kids. It always happens that way. The only person I can probably find like that is a Christian guy or something who wants to wait to have sex till marriage.. and he most likely will not be my type.

So tell me, am I a bitch, am I asking for too much? Am I not being open-minded enough? It's a horrible thought that it probably will be 10 years till I find someone, but I probably won't find anyone till I'm ready to have children and that's not fair that there can't be anyone out there who will accept me. But I feel I'd rather seek out my dream and wait for it than settle for something less. I just don't know if I'm being too nuts here in believing there is something like that out there for me.

[Tal]

Some people are different online than on the phone or in real life. Was he shy and didn't know what to say on the phone, perhaps? If he is just messing around with you and uninterested then it's best to accept he wasn't the one and move on. You can but learn from failed relationships.

Finding one person and shutting others out is the generally accepted way of doing things and probably the best way. I don't find it that easy though, and I expect plenty of other people don't either. You're not doing anything wrong though.

Unrealistic...yeah I have unrealistic expectations, but I bet a lot of people do...well the ones who have expectations anyway. People without expectations are rather boring IMO. However I guess one has to give up some of their dreams and ideals if they want to get things in the 'real world'.

Not wanting sex until you have children is fine, but if you choose to stick to it, then you have to accept you're going to find fewer men willing to get into a relationship with you. IMO it is asking a lot of someone to wait an indefinite period of time for sex, especially in this day and age.

You have to ask yourself if sticking to this belief or ideal of yours is worth the extra effort and perhaps years of loneliness that might be required before you find someone. It's a simple cost/benefit analysis. Do you really gain that much in the end and is it something you'll look back on with regret?

[lily]

Sounds like you guys met with your defenses fully deployed and engaged. Probably due to some fear and anxiety from the sound of things. Anyway, I don't think internet dating works very well in most cases. That laundry list approach to finding Mr. or Ms. Right just doesn't seem to be the right way to go about it. I've met plenty of people on and offline who have every item I might think of to put on the list, but there's still no chemistry and no desire to get closer.

[k151]

Don't ever, ever base how well you know someone by how they talk on the internet. I made that mistake with my ex-girlfriend. Our relationship was based mostly on internet conversations, we were both very different on the internet. I was so shy that, in real life, I was quiet, "boring" and probably looked like an idiot too. I haven't made the mistake again, when I talk to a girl online, I know the conversations won't get "interesting" because there is no such thing as an online relationship, it's bullshit.
My opinion anyway, after being burned bad by the internet.
A piece of advice, the person you spend your life with will NOT be perfect. To look for such perfection is to find someone identical to you. You should know, that will not happen. Just be honest when it comes to that, and you will be fine. And like I said, avoid using the internet at all costs.

[Deleted]

On the Internet you can be whoever you want to be,, its too easy. While I don't think its bad to meet up with people you've met online but you should have rules,, mine as this,, if I meet someone and find out early that we both like each other, then talk on phone as soon as possible.. and meet ASAP too.

Internet chat, email and such doesn't convey emotion/feelings well, like little smilies and such. When you here a voice its different, you can pick up how someone is by their voice.

As for your beliefs on what you want in a man,, I always say,, don't settle,, but sometimes you have to compromise, both sides do.

[Tal]

I dn't think the Net's inferior as a dating tool, but it works differently. You still have to be as cautious as you would in real life. It is an incredible tool for meeting likeminded people though, which IMO is very difficult in 'real life'. Real life dates/relationships can go wrong, but that doesn't stop you trying again, why should internet ones be any different.

[adamuk]

It does sound like defences. Im going through a similar thing myself and i found out recently that expressing myself on the phone to a girl i like just does'nt work! my mind goes blank, i get nervous and defensive.

assuming it was defences..

maybe all he needs is someone to show some understanding and acceptance then he will be able to open up more. Have you talked to him about the phone chat.. like why he thinks he was quiet? ask him how he felt while on the phone if you have'nt already and see if you can get him to open up.

[gSteve]

I think the internet is a good place to meet people, thousands of people start relationships through the internet, there obviously are plenty that don't work out but there are plenty that do just like offline relationships.

People may appear different on the internet but the point is to meet in person plus I think the vast majority of people are who they say they are. I think im pretty similar online to real life though I may say more on the internet, I think the internet is the best chance at the moment that I have of getting a relationship.

[Owen]

Wish I had some advice to give you on the matter, but sadly I don't. I've just had a very similar experience myself and I'm still trying to figure out what to learn from it all at the moment. But maybe you'll feel a tiny bit better hearing my tale of woe, perhaps knowing you're not the only one who's had this experience lately will help.

I met a girl through a forum back in January of this year. I can't quite remember the conversation that started it all, but I remember it was to do with something completely random like pockets or something. Anyway, we started talking through email, eventually getting to the point of sending 10 in one day! It turned out that she lived all of about 2 miles from me, we liked all the same films/books/music/games/TV programs, we had gone to the same college, I drove past the place she worked twice a day on my way to and back from work................. So we moved on to MSN and it just became more intense, we were talking for like 8 hours a day. Now at this point even I knew there was something more going on, even with my lack of experience, it just seemed so perfect. Two months had passed and with like 150 emails and god knows how many hours on MSN I decided to say something to try and move the relationship past the point it was currently at. What a mistake that turned out to be!

So I told her how I felt, that I wanted to see if there was anything there in real life. This was the first time in my life that I had actually had the courage to kick my shyness in the crotch and let the real me out. She told me she was interested, but that she needed to think about it. Looking back I should have heard the alarm bells ringing at this point and gone running for the hills, I didn't however, there’s lack of experience for you.

Over the next two months I got strung along, whenever I mentioned it she would promise me an answer soon, but never yet. The conversations started to wind down at this point too, she stopped logging into MSN and quite often she didn't even reply to my emails. Until one day she decided to give me my answer, she told me I was one of her best friends and that she wanted to keep it that way, apparently she didn't have time for anything else. It was horrible, I'd spent so long waiting to find someone so perfect, and then when I finally thought I had, all she did was slap me in the face.

It really was the last thing I needed too, I was already bitter and twisted enough about that side of my life. I didn't think my self esteem could go any lower, how wrong I was.


As far as whether or not you’re wrong to have such high standards for you ideal partner, I’d say no. If a person is right for you, then they are right for you, if they are wrong, they’re wrong. There’s no middle ground for me, I don’t want to just settle for less than the person who is right for me. However I would say that it’s worth thinking about your dream image of the person you are looking for carefully, quite often its pretty easy to add things to it that aren’t really that important in the grand scheme of things.

[lily]

owen said:

So I told her how I felt, that I wanted to see if there was anything there in real life. This was the first time in my life that I had actually had the courage to kick my shyness in the crotch and let the real me out. She told me she was interested, but that she needed to think about it. Looking back I should have heard the alarm bells ringing at this point and gone running for the hills, I didn't however, there’s lack of experience for you.

Over the next two months I got strung along, whenever I mentioned it she would promise me an answer soon, but never yet. The conversations started to wind down at this point too, she stopped logging into MSN and quite often she didn't even reply to my emails. Until one day she decided to give me my answer, she told me I was one of her best friends and that she wanted to keep it that way, apparently she didn't have time for anything else. It was horrible, I'd spent so long waiting to find someone so perfect, and then when I finally thought I had, all she did was slap me in the face.

It really was the last thing I needed too, I was already bitter and twisted enough about that side of my life. I didn't think my self esteem could go any lower, how wrong I was.

Owen, I think it was possible that she was the one with the self-esteem problem. Sounds like she felt she had something to hide maybe. She may have been afraid of rejection herself. Also, once people share deep thoughts and feelings with someone anonymously online, they then have trouble facing that person in RL. So I agree with the poster who said don't wait too long before you talk to someone you meet online on the phone or in person. The feelings can get awkward otherwise, and it's better to see if there's any physical attraction early on before you become too attached.

[Bodhi]

Wow this thread is very enlightening because currently I've been talking to a girl online. I think I try to be myself online but realize I'll probally seem different in real life, mostly because of my shyness. I'll probally hold back more and be much more quiet. I wonder if a girl who liked me online would then find me boring in real life because of that? Also about meeting I had another thread about that and people were saying wait, but reading this it seems the sooner the better. I don't want to be strung along like Owen was and she never wants to see me, or we do finnaly meet monthes later and we have no chemistry in person. I think maybe a week or two more and then I will definetely ask to meet, that would make it about 3 or 4 weeks since we started talking. She only lives less then an hour away so meeting wouldn't be too hard. Does anyone else here think thats a good idea or do you think she'll be freaked out if I ask too soon?

[I am Jack's wasted life]

bodhi395 said:

Wow this thread is very enlightening because currently I've been talking to a girl online. I think I try to be myself online but realize I'll probally seem different in real life, mostly because of my shyness. I'll probally hold back more and be much more quiet. I wonder if a girl who liked me online would then find me boring in real life because of that? Also about meeting I had another thread about that and people were saying wait, but reading this it seems the sooner the better. I don't want to be strung along like Owen was and she never wants to see me, or we do finnaly meet monthes later and we have no chemistry in person. I think maybe a week or two more and then I will definetely ask to meet, that would make it about 3 or 4 weeks since we started talking. She only lives less then an hour away so meeting wouldn't be too hard. Does anyone else here think thats a good idea or do you think she'll be freaked out if I ask too soon?

Well, that all depends on the person I suppose. I hope she's not avoidant! But i think after 4 weeks is a perfectly good time to ask to meet.

[iroseiroared2]

To Bodhi, or anyone else,

I hope I didn't give you the wrong impression. Sure you may be more shy or different offline but the problem with my guy wasn't that he was just shy; he seemed like a different person. He wrote a lot more intelligently than he spoke, I know that's mean to say and I told him that too, that he wrote intelligently but spoke not as intelligently (evil I am, I know that). Then I told him he just didn't speak as emotionally.. but anyway, I wouldn't worry about the shyness thing ruining it, it wasn't that.. he just seemed like a different kind of person,and he snapped a little bit so that made me mad. You can be shy I think but still be the same person

[lily]

bodhi395 said:

I don't want to be strung along like Owen was and she never wants to see me, or we do finnaly meet monthes later and we have no chemistry in person. I think maybe a week or two more and then I will definetely ask to meet, that would make it about 3 or 4 weeks since we started talking. She only lives less then an hour away so meeting wouldn't be too hard. Does anyone else here think thats a good idea or do you think she'll be freaked out if I ask too soon?

I knew immediately upon meeting every guy I met online that I wasn't interested. I wouldn't talk to someone online for very long at all now without meeting him. And I wouldn't be interested in meeting him for more than something quick like coffee. That way if it's immediately apparent there's nothing there I can escape quickly. I've had such bad luck with meeting people online I don't plan to do it anymore. But I may not be a good example to go by as I've only met one man I have remained interested in during the last 4 years I've been single, and I met him in person.

[lily]

panda said:

I hope she's not avoidant!

Why so hard on your own kind? Avoidants need love too.